Don't want to help him

[Captainfairylights]

Advice please! Man I like moved into the area. We have mutual friends and are connected professionally (don't work together, just both in the same field) though we had never met. Both divorced. Anyway, we hit it off when we met. I was the only person he knew here, and he decided to stay more long term I think based on the fact that he had me here.

I definitely was interested in him romantically, but held off because I'm not ready for a relationship and we are so closely entwined with all the other things, it would be tricky. However to start with he wanted to see me all the time, we spent a lot of time texting when we didn't see each other. It was all a bit chaotic though, he would ring at the last minute, and I often said no even though I liked him. I found it quite overwhelming.

Fast forward a couple of months and he went unexpectedly silent after a night out. When I finally asked him if he was ok, there was an exchange where he said he'd been out on a date (on a night we'd had tentative plans to meet). I think he's been doing a fair bit of this. I was starting to think it all needed to be clarified as he was demanding so much of my time and attention but we weren't being romantic. I don't really have an interest in being his gal pal and if he is dating then I would have scaled back the time together, although not falling out because I like him, wish him well, and I'm not ready for a relationship anyway. I'm busy in my own life, and fine with just being not too close friends.

He is having a minor surgery in a couple of weeks. A few weeks ago, he asked if I would meet him after it. He must be met and someone be with him for 24 hours. I agreed, I was glad to at the time.

When it transpired he'd been on this date I was pissed off that he had not mentioned it. He was pissed off that I seemed to be expecting him to answer for himself. He said we were just friends. I said that friends would be clear about what was going on, and that I felt he had messed me about. We had spent so much time together that I did feel our friendship merited straight forwardness. We have gone quiet with each other, and I do not know when I will hear from him. I have no urge to get in touch with him.

Anyway, I definitely do not want to meet him and nurse him after his surgery. I feel this is the job of a girlfriend or a friend. I feel I am only 'company' or an acquaintance and it is a big ask to nurse/watch over a guy you don't know well. I want to get out of it with enough notice for him to sort out someone else. And I don't want to be rude or petty as we are still in all these circles. Ideally I would not get in touch with him at all, and just how it all pans out, but I don't think I can be silent about the surgery if I'm not going to do it.

Thank you for any advice...

I agree with the majority. Sounds like he was quite keen but you gave out a pretty clear message you weren’t interested in anything more with him. So you’ve effectively friend zoned him and he now sees you as a mate. No you don’t have to help him if you don’t want to, just turn down the request like you might if he was another friend.

OP, probably best to move on from the whole situation and learn that you can't just put people on the back burner and expect them to stay there. Find a way to gracefully bow out of the commitment.

It's pretty clear that he kept in contact as he was seeing if you would change your mind about the potential relationship, when it became clear that wasn't going to happen any time soon he obviously decided you were just friends and moved on to dating other people. His quietness was probably just the fact that he stopped chasing you.

I feel a bit sorry for the guy here - he liked you but you didn't want a relationship so I think it was fine for him to date others. I obviously have no idea, but in my imagination I picture him (I often picture people from threads) doing so like a sad puppy, because really he loves OP but she doesn't love him back.....

So yes I would still meet him after the surgery, because it may be too late for him to find anybody else too, and he hasn't done anything bad. If you really don't want to you could say, listen I won't be offended if you would rather ask the woman you are dating - float that option and see if he bites. But otherwise I think it is a commitment you probably do need to honour.

Thank you for all these messages, which are really surprising to me! I've maybe given the wrong impression. I believe it was me that was interested, but I held back because he was definitely not ready for anything romantic (all over the place emotionally, drinking too much etc) and I could not handle a relationship with someone in that state.

He told me about a woman that was interested in him earlier and I didn't know if he was trying to make me jealous or sending a signal that he wasn't interested in me. He then said he was going to cut that off, and we continued meeting, so I thought it would eventually progress but at a pace I could handle.

I took him asking me to help as a sign of a deepening friendship.

I think I was right to hold back, because my feelings were quite confused and I sensed he could really hurt me. It was absolutely obvious I liked him though. I said so. He's never given me a single compliment, except how well we got on.

So helping with the surgery now when the friendship was not deepening feels humiliating to me. I am hurt both by being friend zoned myself and by him him not talking to me honestly as a friend. I just can't do it feeling like this.

But I feel badly that I have probably achieved the one thing I didn't want -- awkwardness with a guy right in my neighbourhood and social circle.

that might be a middle way. Thank you.

I felt that he was using me for the hard part of looking after him, and saving his 'cured' self for whoever he was dating. That felt awful to me.

First post:
I definitely was interested in him romantically, but held off because I'm not ready for a relationship

Post just now:
I believe it was me that was interested, but I held back because he was definitely not ready for anything romantic
**
No offence OP, but which was it?

Your update post seems to be putting quite a different spin on things, suddenly making out that it was his issues that prevented to relationship, raising drinking and erratic behaviour that you didn't mention at first as a bit of a dripfeed.

I'm going to stop replying to this thread now as I personally don't have time for OPs that dripfeed loads of negative stuff about the person they are posting about after receiving a load of feedback that they themselves might be the problem. It suggests you aren't interested in taking onboard honest feedback.

You friendzoned him and he politely accepted it. I can't work out what you think he's done wrong.
Is he even still going out with this date he had? Does he have anyone who can look after him now that you have let him down at such short notice?

The drip feed was unintentional. Like I say, I gave the wrong impression. The replies have made me think about it, which is what I came for. Sorry it's annoyed you.

I don't see a difference between those two -- sorry!

I don't see a difference between those two -- sorry!
Ah, a joker. Have a fun-filled day :D

I haven't let him down yet!

He's made it very clear that we are just mates in his eyes. He's said so and not in a nice way particularly. Like he's put a boundary there. And that makes me feel like I don't want to help him with something that is not 'mates', it's a big ask to a friend or a girlfriend.

Sorry everyone, I seem to have got off on the wrong foot with this thread.

But thanks for your replies anyway.

I agree. He just needs someone there in case of emergencies, and to make a cup of tea. I’d do it, and maybe take the chance (if he’s not groggy from anaesthetic — some people are still a bit dozy the next day) to have a talk and clarify your relationship.

I'm coming round to thinking that I can give him an 'out' if he wants someone else, but that yes I will do it if he still wants me to. I don't have to see him otherwise, and it's an act of friendship towards him. I will relieve the awkwardness.

I don't want to muddle up being pissed off about him dating with doing a nice thing for someone I do actually like.

I'm trying to do the right thing. It's just my feelings not catching up.

I don't think your being fair. You don't want a relationship with him and you've made that clear. BUT when you discover he's dating others your angry at him..

You were perfectly happy to support him post surgery before. As his friend. Now that your pissed he's been seeing women, which he is allowed to do, your withdrawing this. This is so toxic on your behalf. Are you his friend or not?

Your essentially punishing and stonewalling him.

If you've decided you have feelings for him and want to pursue something romantically you need to be honest with him that this situation has made you realize it. And has caused feelings of jealousy etc. But you can't insist you don't want a relationship with him then act out when he pursues other women. That's controlling.

but you didn't want a relationship and you didn't want to be his gal pal?

This is all very confusing. As you said you were happy to do this until you found out he was dating. Sounds like you have got the hump with him. Better to distance yourself from him then.

You agreed to help after he asked you. I would have done the same for a neighbour or a casual friend if they had asked and I had time. Or I would have said no. What I would never do is say yes, and then change my mind for frankly rather trivial and confusing reasons.

It sounds like you wanted everything on your terms - have him hang around in case at some stage you might consider being romantically involved, and then you got pissed off that he went on a date. Make up your mind, it sounds like you've been unfair to him.

Even with your contradictory updates I still don’t think he’s done anything wrong. I can’t work out who told who they weren’t ready for a relationship/weren’t interested because that keeps changing with every post, but either way, you don’t need to be romantically involved with someone to help them after surgery. I’d do it for a vague acquaintance if they didn’t have anyone else! so yes, it would be petty for you not to do it.

It seems you have a notion that a “friendship deepening” means it would lead to romance? To me and to him and most other people, the two are separate, a friendship is a friendship and in this situation one or both of you had taken romance off the table. If you don’t actually want to be friends with him then fine, distance yourself, but own the fact that it’s you with the strange expectations here.

How can you possibly feel justified in being annoyed that he's dating???? The mind boggles at the sense of entitlement.
You spent lots of time with him, he asked you for a favour, you agreed - now just see it through.

You don't appear to be in any sort of relationship and hardly friends in the true sense. You want him you, don't want him. He's dangling then dating someone else and you don't like it. Noone seems to talk to the other about what they really want, it's hard work and life is too short for all this.
I'd tell him you can't help and let the situation go. He can meet someone who wants to be with him and in turn you can find someone when you are ready to do so.

You can't put someone on indefinite hold and expect him to wait until you are ready.

He has never given me the slightest indication that he wanted a relationship with me. Except inviting me out a lot and texting me a lot. Nothing was ever said, and I wasn't going to jump right in there when I hardly knew him. I would not have been able to cope with the rejection, and I was worried about the state he was in anyway. If he'd been upfront about wanting a relationship I'd have seen that as him being serious, and I'd have responded. As I say, he knew by all the normal means that I liked him, but that I couldn't keep up with his chaotic lifestyle.

But I can see why I am coming across as confusing to you and to him!

Food for thought. Thank you

Surely it’s OP who is being a head fuck? She doesn’t want a relationship with him (or didn’t) and is now getting funny with him for going in a date? If she wants to be with him then she should say so and if she doesn’t then she should back away.

Sorry, I don't understand this either. Being around for someone post-surgery is absolutely a "mates" thing. As PP have said it's not about being a nursemaid, it's just being around in case of emergencies and making someone cups of tea.

It's not something I'd want to ask someone I'd just started dating though - you tend not to want new dates to see you groggy or vulnerable.