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Original poster

Why do people get offended?

106 replies

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 01:17

Why do people get offended because someone wouldn’t date them? I’m a single mum but would prefer to date a man without children ( I have my reasons for this) anyway it came up on another site and I commented saying this and along came the single dads getting offended by it! As a single mum I am fully aware loads of men won’t want to date me because of this and that’s ok, I wouldn’t get upset because a man didn’t want to date me! I get why it would put someone off.

I am happy to stay single as it’s something I don’t want to compromise on so I’m happy to stay alone if I can’t meet someone that doesn’t have children. No other situation would people be expected to only date people “the same” as them so why is having children different and you are only expected to date another parent? It’s as if people can’t have a preference as I’ve also seen people getting offended when someone says they would date a short man etc, why are people not allowed a preference without upsetting others 🤦🏻 Most mums would rather date another parent anyway so they are not exactly short on attention!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 01/02/2023 14:54

January17 · 01/02/2023 14:49

What if you date a man and then he wants to have children? I think it's selfish when people with children deny the partner that chance. You need to be clear about it up front.

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They’re not denying their partner the chance, though. They’re choosing not to have kids themselves. Their partner isn’t imprisoned in the relationship, if it’s that important to them, they can end it and try for kids with someone else.

January17 · 01/02/2023 14:59

PousseyNotMoira · 01/02/2023 14:54

They’re not denying their partner the chance, though. They’re choosing not to have kids themselves. Their partner isn’t imprisoned in the relationship, if it’s that important to them, they can end it and try for kids with someone else.

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I'm saying the parent should be clear they don't want anymore children up front, early on. Otherwise it wastes the other person's time if they do.

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 15:01

I get what you’re saying I’ve had it in the other side where a guy I was initially chatting to didn’t want anything with serious with a woman who had kids as he wanted kids of his own.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/02/2023 15:01

January17 · 01/02/2023 14:59

I'm saying the parent should be clear they don't want anymore children up front, early on. Otherwise it wastes the other person's time if they do.

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That’s fair.

Timaya · 01/02/2023 15:02

Imagine being a size 8 and having some gross overweight guy on top of you in bed, don’t think so

It happens

I do think it's funny though that it's ok to fall overweight men "gross" but there's usually some outrage the other way around

January17 · 01/02/2023 15:08

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 15:01

I get what you’re saying I’ve had it in the other side where a guy I was initially chatting to didn’t want anything with serious with a woman who had kids as he wanted kids of his own.

I mean I wanted to have a child with my ex. It was only after more than a year that he suddenly decided he couldn't cope with having more. By then I was already attached to him, but didn't want to miss out on being a parent.

It's pretty self absorbed to deny your partner the chance to have children (once they're attached) but still expect them to fit around your own.

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 15:09

This is something you discuss around the time things are starting getting serious, or before ideally

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 15:11

yep totally agree, I won’t even entertain a date with someone who wants kids as it just wouldn’t happen. I won’t have 2 kids by 2 different dads. I’m 40 this year so I’m getting too old anyway

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 15:13

Yeh I get what you’re saying but that’s when I suppose you end it and move on and find someone who does want a kid with you 🤷‍♀️. It’s not something I want to happen so I’ve never had to consider it

Yb23487643 · 01/02/2023 15:23

Agree.
people are mad

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 15:59

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 14:44

It doesn’t matter I can not want to date single dads for any reason and no I don’t like kids so don’t want to be around kids that aren’t my own

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Obv no one is obliged to date anyone ever. But you're asking about why people are offended.

So you don't date them cos you don't like kids. That isn't offensive. Not liking them because kids of single Dad's are always really naughty would be offensive because it's a generalisation about them and their situation.
You not liking kids isn't about anyone else so there's nothing to be offended by.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 16:05

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 14:44

Imagine being a size 8 and having some gross overweight guy on top of you in bed, don’t think so

So what size women should gross fat men be expected to date? What about attractive fat men or gross skinny men? Should fat women just take any man you feel isn't good enough for you?

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 16:11

Other equally sized women 🤷‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 16:14

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 16:11

Other equally sized women 🤷‍♀️

So sized 8 women can only date very skinny men?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 16:15

media.tenor.com/S5xC-M3GAjsAAAAM/thor-sin-camiseta.gif what size to date him? I mean his wife is very slim so he needs to dump her immediately. Fancy her, slim gorgeous woman thinking she should have to marry someone not super slim like her.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/02/2023 16:16

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 16:11

Other equally sized women 🤷‍♀️

Oooorrrr people can just date whoever they want, if said person is happy to date them. Which is how life actually works.

Tabitha1960 · 01/02/2023 16:16

You need to stop giving a flying f* about who you offend.

They ain't gonna die of being offended!

Pitch for what YOU want in life, and be happy!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 16:18

Saza123 · 01/02/2023 16:11

Other equally sized women 🤷‍♀️

Also what about hot fat women? Why are they dating gross men?? Who's dating the not gross, fat men?? If you're not gross can you date down a, size or two?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 16:28

That’s what I was getting at, where does it end?! We are only allowed to date people the same as us? Seems to only apply to single mums, or are fat people only suppose to date fat people? Short people only allowed to date short people? People only allowed to date someone a similar age? What if I had a disability or illness only allowed to date someone that also does? 🙄

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 16:45

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 16:28

That’s what I was getting at, where does it end?! We are only allowed to date people the same as us? Seems to only apply to single mums, or are fat people only suppose to date fat people? Short people only allowed to date short people? People only allowed to date someone a similar age? What if I had a disability or illness only allowed to date someone that also does? 🙄

Certainly applies to fat women too. Certainly been expressed previously that fat people have no right to not find fatness attractive.

By that logic, any man attracted to long hair and not a short crop or baldness should have to grow their hair long.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 01/02/2023 16:58

Observing mumsnet chats about single mum's and dads it does seem to me often that people tend to tar all single dads with one brush - 'loser' 'couldn't make it work' 'must have been his fault somehow'..even if he is the nicest guy ever and was cheated on. 'oh no, there MUST be another side to it!'

Whereas single mums are the perennial put upon saints, even if..they really aren't.. So yeah I can understand why saying that would jar for some people.

feellikeanalien · 01/02/2023 17:03

I think people get offended far too easily these days. Why should you have to compromise in what you are looking for in a partner just in case you hurt someone's feelings. Obviously it would be different if you are, for example, being nasty and saying you won't date women over 50 because they are old, worn out hags (and before anyone takes offence I am in that age group myself) rather than just saying you don't want to date someone over 50.

This is all part of the hypocritical "be kind" message which is usually shouted loudest by those who are anything but. It doesn't really mean be kind, it actually means let me do what I want, even if you are not comfortable with it.

We all like different types of people. Why should you be offended just because someone doesn't fancy you? Should I be offended if Brad Pitt didn't fancy me? If it bothers you so much then just get over it by thinking to yourself that they are losing out by not including you in their dating pool. There are a lot more important things in life to be offended by.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 17:03

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 01/02/2023 16:58

Observing mumsnet chats about single mum's and dads it does seem to me often that people tend to tar all single dads with one brush - 'loser' 'couldn't make it work' 'must have been his fault somehow'..even if he is the nicest guy ever and was cheated on. 'oh no, there MUST be another side to it!'

Whereas single mums are the perennial put upon saints, even if..they really aren't.. So yeah I can understand why saying that would jar for some people.

Really I’ve only ever seen the opposite (irl anyway) single dads are praised for looking after their own kids where as single mums are vilified and judged! Never noticed people saying single dads are losers they are usually held quite highly even if they do just the very basic of parenting like seeing their kids once a fortnight

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 17:09

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 01/02/2023 16:58

Observing mumsnet chats about single mum's and dads it does seem to me often that people tend to tar all single dads with one brush - 'loser' 'couldn't make it work' 'must have been his fault somehow'..even if he is the nicest guy ever and was cheated on. 'oh no, there MUST be another side to it!'

Whereas single mums are the perennial put upon saints, even if..they really aren't.. So yeah I can understand why saying that would jar for some people.

Yupm. At least two threads on the go atm, one had primary custody for a few years after the ex cheated in him. Posts are all about what did he do, he's obv making up the ex being controlling, ooh so he used to have full custody but now doesn't. I mean the guy is far from perfect but some posters can never believe that a man isn't always to blame.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 01/02/2023 17:22

@SpinningFloppa I'm sorry that's been your experience and yeah I agree that being a single mum is bloody hard and it is galling when people talking about dads looking after their own kids like it's an achievement/babysitting.

However, from my experience I do think that there are some genuinely great dads out there who do definitely get tarred with the same brush as the deadbeats and that there are many with an agenda on this site who twist every story to look for some underlying sin or motive which isn't always there.

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