Why do people get offended?

[SpinningFloppa]

Why do people get offended because someone wouldn’t date them? I’m a single mum but would prefer to date a man without children ( I have my reasons for this) anyway it came up on another site and I commented saying this and along came the single dads getting offended by it! As a single mum I am fully aware loads of men won’t want to date me because of this and that’s ok, I wouldn’t get upset because a man didn’t want to date me! I get why it would put someone off.

I am happy to stay single as it’s something I don’t want to compromise on so I’m happy to stay alone if I can’t meet someone that doesn’t have children. No other situation would people be expected to only date people “the same” as them so why is having children different and you are only expected to date another parent? It’s as if people can’t have a preference as I’ve also seen people getting offended when someone says they would date a short man etc, why are people not allowed a preference without upsetting others 🤦🏻 Most mums would rather date another parent anyway so they are not exactly short on attention!

Some men don't like to be told no and some have deeply unpleasant views about single mums where the single mums must be so down on themselves and have such poor boundaries that they're obviously up for any old Tom, Dick and Harry getting his feet under the table.

For the men who have an unpleasant view of single mums it must feel like a kick to the balls when they encounter women who are quite happy to set a decent bar for their romantic partners.

I think it's because they don't believe the woman expressing preferences which often preclude them because they see the woman as not worthy enough of having such preferences particularly ones that they cannot meet. They see that they have to compromise on having the childless, 23 year old insta model and they cannot understand why the world is ok with you having preferences for a childless man or a tall man or a well paid man but he gets attacked for wanting a hot young woman. He thinks it's double standards you're the one entitled and that feminism is inflating your ego. They often say 'but you're fat and you want a tall guy', or 'but you have kids and you want a child free man; or 'but you're short and you want a tall man' yet when a short jobless man wants a tall hot model he gets told he's shallow and should be realistic about what he's bringing to the table.
It's very toxic, this is a common incel and PUA thought process.

I think it's a pot kettle and finding it ironic that you're excluding people for probably similar reasons that men might exclude you for.

My stance is you can hold up for any type of man you like and you don't have to date anyone but the more your wish list is unrealistic for your circumstances (it could location, age group, wealth status anything) the rarer it is to come true. I dont think your particular criteria of a childless man is that rare but it will limit your pool particularly the older you get... actually even younger men probably want to play around or start a fresh life with a childless woman but it's fine to wait until you find someone on your own terms. it's your life to spend how you wish with whom you like.

You can do whatever you want when you’re dating. That’s the point of the thread.

*Why do people get offended because someone wouldn’t date them? I’m a
single mum but would prefer to date a man without children ( I have my
reasons for this) *

I think its obvious to others what your resaons are, you wish full attention to be on you, your children and your family unit. Which makes you appear uncompromising and selfish, not saying that's not within your rights, it is totally your right. You don't wish any previous baggage to be attended to, or to recieve any attention. (ie: children)

Yet in the same vein maybe it is unreasonable not to understand that other people may judge you for those reasons, which is entirely their right.

So not only will the single dad's judge you but also the single men without children who may think you are going to be an unfair person in a relationship.
Still not a problem, your choice but your choices will limit your dating pool and so long as you are happy with that smaller option available to you, all is good.

Where it can impact you however is in your actual relationship, for a man without children probably not understanding the complex nature of a parent and child relationship until he has been with you for some time, they can be immature whereas a single father has more insight, you are expecting an unknown to learn along the way and that can backfire, no matter what your stipulations are in the beggining. For what you lack in compromise is the very thing that could cause lack of understanding and immaturity in the relationship.

Sometimes our choices which appear clear cut are not so advantageous once put into practice.

OP I'm also a single mum and I don't date dads. I did it once, never again. I'm having great fun dating childless men in their 30s (I'm also in my 30s).

Some men get offended by this. Incel type. These are the types that would make step parenting hell in the first place.

Step parenting is harder for women, step mums get more depression then step dads and other health related issues. It's not just a case of liking the dc and getting on with it. You're doing the right thing.

@HateandLove I don't agree with that at all. Most women don't want to split their families up. They do it when dc are young because of issues usually relating to - the mans immaturity/mental load/shit parenting/pub life/easier to do it on their own. Women file for divorce more than men do so.

Imagine having small kids and not being with their dad is the better option.. and then those same men expecting women who already have dc to be with them and all the step pareting stress that is involved with that! Fuck that shit!

Imagine having small kids and not being with their dad is the better
option.. and then those same men expecting women who already have dc to
be with them and all the step pareting stress that is involved with
that! Fuck that shit!

I understand, the feckless single dad's who may be availble maybe shit but at the same time you have to be aware that not many single men have the maturity to be merged into a ready made family unit.

Most single men I've known also want the mother of their first child to experience this together as first time parents, for a woman to not understand this shows a level of entitlement.

I think there is a difference between having personal preferences and broadcasting an opinion that you think certain people are undateable. Online dating seems to have blurred that (as well as social media like MN) and whilst I totally get that you need to have pretty clear boundaries on those sites having a shopping list of reasons why you won't date someone proudly displayed in public is going to create some kind of response from people who feel judged by that. I'm honestly surprised that people are so surprised by that - not everyone is going to agree with you and you can't go through life expecting no-one to disagree with anything you say. You can have a blanket ban on short men, but don't expect short men to be happy about it!

The question was asked so no I didn’t come out and broadcast it it was asked on another website and people answered according to what they prefer…

That’s absolutely not the reason but thanks, my main reason is I actually don’t like children, I am not maternal and I don’t like being around other people’s children, of course I love my own but children in general are a struggle for me and I don’t think that would be fair to date someone with kids when I feel that way, I just don’t have the headspace for any more kids in my life. I don’t mind staying single so if I can’t meet someone who doesn’t have kids then so be it, I’m not demanding anyone dates me. I also find and not sure if it’s just me that single dads seem to have a massive chip on their shoulders and actually seem to dislike single mums, they seem to think everything is a competition and get very defensive over things and from the ones I’ve spoken to I’ve actually felt they come across quite unpleasant.

It’s the nature of the internet. Everyone has an opinion and isn’t shy about expressing it from the safety of anonymity.

@SpinningFloppa

And that's fine, your choices completely.

Anyway good luck in finding someone if that's what you want.

Every single person that responded to that question on that website has broadcasted their opinion. That's how social media works.

I would be the same as you OP.

In no way would I date a man with children, unless he was a widower.

Even if he was a great guy, gorgeous, rich etc, it'd be a no from me.

Let them get offended. It'd be a red flag to me that they were taking the hump about it anyway.

Excellent post hit the nail on the head

I think sometimes people are complaining about not meeting someone but are ruling people out based on stupid stuff like height or dancing ability and stuff that really has no impact on how successful a relationship is or even how your own feelings will go if you let them. Allowing yourself to build pointless barriers to having something you want is not sensible.

However not wanting to date someone with kids doesn't fall into that category. And actually if you don't care whether or not you ever have sex again you can put any arbitrary condition you want on it can't you. It's nobody else's business.

So many posts on here, got together with someone who was going to be a problem for them, now they're unhappy. They want DC, he doesn't, he gambles, drinks too much, smokes weed, cheats and too often someone has turned a blind eye at the start and things have just got worse.
Surely it's better for the Op to know what she can't deal with and not start something that won't work out. Being a Stepmother can be fraught anyway but if the Op doesn't like kids much it would be a disaster

Actually I very much disagree that being a single dad means someone would “have more insight” into what it’s like being a RP parent, given that 90% of single mums are the RP I don’t think a NRP has any idea what it’s like being a RP so I don’t think I can relate to someone just because they have kids, single dads generally have it a lot more easier than single mums and I don’t find our situations comparable at all (someone only seeing the child eow wouldn’t have a clue) my ex is a father but he has no idea what it’s like to be a parent. Just because someone has kids doesn’t mean that they know what it’s like being a RP, far too many absent uninterested fathers out there who see their kids the absolute bare minimum.

Its nothing to do with wanting someone’s full attention, I have always struggled with children and honestly I’m not maternal in the slightest and don’t like being around children (apart from my own) I think it would be unfair to date someone knowing I feel this way. I also don’t want to blend families and all the stress that comes with that, and I don’t want to have to constantly deal with someone’s ex who will forever be in the picture. Like I said though I’m happy to stay alone, however I’ve heard stories of single mums meeting men without children so it does happen. I don’t see why I should only have to date single fathers because I have children, the same doesn’t seem to apply to single fathers and it’s perfectly fine for them to meet childless women it seems!

I agree with most posts but I did once meet a man on OLD who said he wanted to date a woman without kids. When asked why he said he wanted someone with 'no baggage'. The man had three kids himself!! I binned him straight away. He called himself an 'empath' too. Yuk!

Thank you. I see on the step parenting board people saying they can’t stand their step children, want them to go home, don’t want them visiting, I would hate to get with someone and feel that way, it’s not fair on the children and I know I would feel the same so I don’t want to get involved.

Well maybe I'm over sensitive but if someone said they wouldn't date me because of some aspect of my life that either I couldn't change or was really proud of I'd maybe be a bit taken aback and possibly a bit sad about it, depending on the circumstances. It's a judgement on you and your worth as a partner and someone declaring you're not 'good enough' for them. And it's a judgement made not on the person you are, but on some other aspect. Without even really knowing you, a judgement has been made about you.

Don't get me wrong, everyone has preferences, everyone should be free to date who they like. But not everyone is tough and can cope with being rejected. They will internalise it and it affects their self worth. It's just how some people are. I think you're being a bit harsh.

I think also, we all think of ourselves as individuals and we all like to think that we have attractive qualities. And we like to think that people will judge us as the individuals that we are. If we see our ‘category’ of person being dismissed on the basis of one thing, it’s often going to sting a little. I have red hair for example, and there are plenty of people out there who’d be quite happy to say they’d never consider dating a ‘ginger’, how unattractive we are, all the hilarious jokes about Harry and William, etc etc. That’s their choice of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t secretly think those people are somewhat tosser-like. Nobody likes being dismissed out of hand, surely. Of course we all have our lists of what we do and don’t find attractive, but maybe sharing that very personal list wasn’t the best idea - it was a goady question that was always going to cause upset.

Because people don't understand that the way people run their personal lives is not subject to equal opportunity laws lol.

And people are allergic to the idea of women having standards.

Ignore the triggered snowflakes and move on.

Yeah spudlet said it better but that's what I was getting at