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Original poster

How to end a 'FB' thing with my dignity intact?

116 replies

Kinelll · 31/01/2023 02:14

Bloke I met through work quite a while ago (but not a direct colleague).

We had a one night fling which we should have left at that, however I quite fancied him so I was glad when he said that he wanted to see me again.

We met up a week later for more of the same, arranged on the day itself at short notice. He was clear he wasn't looking for anything serious and I didn't think I was either but I felt like whatever it was could be fun.

Then silence for a month. Quick shag.

Three weeks then passed since we last spent the night together and I realised that I actually felt a bit down in the dumps, not invigorated or whatever else you're supposed to feel after no strings sex. I felt a bit used and disposable which I know is probably silly.. he made his intentions clear right?

So he got in contact with me today, with sex in mind, and as tempting as it is to see him again I just don't think I can be in an arrangement like this. A quick shag then radio silence for weeks/months. It doesn't make me feel good about myself.

I like the idea of something a bit more intimate. No commitment still, both free to see other people, just not so clinical and i dare say... cold? Maybe one or two texts over the course of the week, asking how my weekend has been or whatever. Maybe sharing a bottle of wine and taking that to bed. Who knows.. heaven forbid maybe.the odd takeaway?!

I made light of the 'ghosting' (if you can even call it that?) when he text me today and he said he wasn't trying to tie me down he just wanted to fuck me again.. Whatever happened to chivalry, atleast buy me a drink first 😂

Could you help me compile a pleasant message to him explaining that I don't want to see him in that way again as whilst I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now I think we are on completely different pages with what we want/expect from somebody we're sleeping with.

He wants a bootycall he can pick up at his convenience, I prefer any arrangements I have to feel mutually beneficial and I dare say a bit more respectful. I've had several before and they worked wonderfully. Those men were friends along with the benefits part.

I want to make it clear that I do not want a relationship with him, because I don't, and that's the last thing I want him to take away from it. That'll just make any future interactions awkward and make me look like a twat who got the feels.

I want to cull it and end on a positive note so that when our paths do cross, which they will, there's no awkwardness or weird feeling.

Just a line drawn under it and that's that.

OP posts:
Tellmeimcrazy · 31/01/2023 08:29

Why do you even feel the need to say anything? Just ignore him. You don't owe him anything. This guy has said he only wants to shag you. Why make it more than it needs to be. Leave it

fatherfintanstack · 31/01/2023 08:32

I wouldn't bother explaining your requirements to him proactively, I think he will read it as you being interested in a relationship etc with him. Does that really matter? Maybe not but im very proud like that, myself.

I would just politely, without much explanation, sign off. Maybe 'no thanks, it's been nice but I'm going to leave things here. Take care and see you around work'.

If he asks why, you could say 'you've been totally upfront, and I'm not looking for more from you but prefer more of a FWB with a friendly connection rather than simply a FB'.

Climber2 · 31/01/2023 08:32

"Actually this arrangement isn't working for me anymore so I'm going to end it now. All the best."

Led92 · 31/01/2023 08:32

There’s no need to go chapter and verse to a FB. He’ll think it strange.
some of the brief responses on here already are fine.
Go and find a nicer partner!

Climber2 · 31/01/2023 08:32

"Actually this arrangement isn't working for me anymore so I'm going to end it now. All the best."

middleager · 31/01/2023 08:33

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 07:26

Honestly, I wouldn't even respond.

This

Joey69 · 31/01/2023 08:35

AgentJohnson · 31/01/2023 07:11

Although he’s been rather blunt, I’d rather that then a bull shitter.

Expectations, expectations, expectations. The poster up thread who was accused of being semantic was correct, you want a FWB and he wants a FB. Your situation just goes to show, whatever the relationship: casual or committed, it’s best to be upfront about your expectations.

Thanks but no thanks is your response. You don’t have to explain or justify your actions to someone who saw you as a FB.

100% this,

MMmomDD · 31/01/2023 08:38

I’d just say - it was fun. But you are looking for more of a FWB arrangement. And this isn’t working for you.

Amadeaa · 31/01/2023 08:40

I wouldn’t reply with anything snappy, for me that implies that you’re upset. He might think that you’re overly invested, or wonder where this is coming from since it looked like it worked for you so far. there was a good suggestion early on in the thread, something like ‘It was fun but I’ve moved on now, see you around’. That’s what I’d say. No drama, no awkwardness.

trulyunruly01 · 31/01/2023 08:42

I think you've told us you wouldn't want him as anything more even if he were to up his game. So you don't need to leave any wriggle room for him to offer to up his game (which he might if his other booty calls are unanswered, and which would only last till the deeed was done probably). OTOH, there was no coercion involved and presumably a few pleasurable times have been had. So this is really just a 'thanks for the memories, no hard feelings, see ya around' job.

napody · 31/01/2023 08:43

fatherfintanstack · 31/01/2023 08:32

I wouldn't bother explaining your requirements to him proactively, I think he will read it as you being interested in a relationship etc with him. Does that really matter? Maybe not but im very proud like that, myself.

I would just politely, without much explanation, sign off. Maybe 'no thanks, it's been nice but I'm going to leave things here. Take care and see you around work'.

If he asks why, you could say 'you've been totally upfront, and I'm not looking for more from you but prefer more of a FWB with a friendly connection rather than simply a FB'.

I think this is good.

Well, second best to simply ghosting which I can see why you think would make it more awkward but if you're just smiley and breezy when you see him I don't think it necessarily would be!

Whichever words you use there is still a pretty high likelihood of him interpreting as ' typical woman.... cant do casual'.

xfan · 31/01/2023 08:52

Agree with previous posters, brief text back about the current situation not working for you. No need for more. You will sound overly invested (are you)?

Bankofrave · 31/01/2023 08:59

I get you.
And k also get that you want to say no without him thinking it’s because you are keener than you are

Definitely right to stop it though he sounds a bit grim- as you say it’s much better to be pleasant about a relaxed sex based set up and actually form a sort of connection even if it’s based on mutually wanting sex not love. This guy sounds like he wants a blow up doll that feels more human. Grim.

Id text- hope you are well. I’m going to call time on this thanks. C (or whatever your initial is!)

bjrce · 31/01/2023 09:00

I agree with La Bellina,

Why do girls always feel they have to be polite or "Cool" with shit behaviour from guys.

Don't say "No Thanks" don't say anything at all. You owe him nothing - you have nothing to save face over. If you see him again at work - just say "Hi" He is nothing to you.

Stop over thinking it. Its good that you realised his behaviour is not for you.

Have the confidence and assertiveness in yourself to just ignore "Ghost" him. He's irrelevant!.

DRS1970 · 31/01/2023 09:01

Just say you can't meet up as you have developed an STD. 😁

ManyNameChanges · 31/01/2023 09:01

3487642l · 31/01/2023 03:33

If you want to offer him some kind of explanation you have great wording in your post -

"X, I won't be looking to meet up with you again. Whilst I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now I think we are on completely different pages with what we want/expect from somebody we're sleeping with. All the best."

Thé issue with that is that he is likely to say ‘I could see that working too. I thought you just wanted a fuck buddy. Shall we ….’
and then carry in treating her the same way.

Not worth it. People who are disrespectful stay disrespectful.

ManyNameChanges · 31/01/2023 09:03

@AgentJohnson has it right Imo.

AmIreallyBeverly · 31/01/2023 09:03

Good for you for realising what you want.

Just be brief and say "Nice to hear from you. Unfortunately I'm busy but have a good day." even if he hasn't said a time. He'll get the message quick enough.

If that feels a bit rude say "Hi. Nice to hear from you. This arrangement isn't working for me anymore but I had fun and hope you did too! Look after yourself".

I don't think he'll give you the wine and dine experience beforehand that you need. If he doesn't put that effort in now, he isn't going to start and I don't think you could suggest that without sounding like you want more than sex.

Don't explain or justify yourself. You weren't in a relationship so don't need to give a reason or discuss it with him.

pizzaHeart · 31/01/2023 09:04

I wouldn't bother explaining your requirements to him proactively, I think he will read it as you being interested in a relationship etc with him.
This^ the shorter you txt the better. Something simple and without any slight emotions e.g sorry or thanks. And your txt should be direct response to his. So if he wrote that he’s just wanted to shag you and nothing more in these exact words I would response : Not up to it any more. Best.

FluffyBunni · 31/01/2023 09:13

"I'm going to pass on your invitation. It's been fun but I'm going to leave things here."

I understand why you don't want to ghost him OP, due to seeing him in your work arena. No reason why you can't keep it civilised but firm.

Good luck finding a respectful FWB.

OngoingCrisis · 31/01/2023 09:13

I had something similar except we were dating first. He "ended things" and although I was a bit upset, I thought that was that. A few weeks later he texted me because he wanted a shag, same as this guy, very "clinical", would only hear from him every couple of weeks. I kept texting back that I was busy until I got fed up and just blocked him. It felt shit that someone who'd just dumped me pretty much wanted to move on to a FB situation, I would have texted him before blocking but as others on this thread have said, it probably would have come across like I was asking for more

AmIreallyBeverly · 31/01/2023 09:15

And don't say anything about what you do want because it opens up a conversation and you won't come out the otherside feeling better for it. Just close it down and move on.

Definately don't ask him out to dinner!!! He literally told you in his text what HE wants which is fine if that is what YOU want but you don't. He's not offering what you want so don't ask him to.

Don't be upset if he doesn't reply to your "dumping" text but don't get into a discussion with him if he does. You could block him I guess.

plumduck · 31/01/2023 09:20

FluffyBunni · 31/01/2023 09:13

"I'm going to pass on your invitation. It's been fun but I'm going to leave things here."

I understand why you don't want to ghost him OP, due to seeing him in your work arena. No reason why you can't keep it civilised but firm.

Good luck finding a respectful FWB.

This is perfect. Don't go into the details

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 09:24

Op, just don't reply.

He won't have started a thread about it so I wouldn't give him one more second if your time.

I say this kindly, not condescending to you at all.

Scandicheek · 31/01/2023 10:05

Personally in this situation I’d keep it light. If he messaged to meet up same day I’d probably reply ‘hey mr lastminute.com’. If he persists I’d just say I don’t do last minute (true!). Then he can up his game or not. Not my problem.