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Original poster

Would you leave a good relationship if they don’t want kids?

73 replies

Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 16:08

Hi!
So in a nutshell, I started seeing a guy back in August and we’ve been an official couple for the last couple of months - I’m 28 and he’s 32. This guy is an absolute gem and I feel so blessed to be with him. He can’t do enough me, he is so loving and supportive and got me through a really hard time recently, he is so kind and so thoughtful, we get on amazingly and he makes me laugh, he is also absolutely gorgeous which is always a bonus! I’m so happy with him, and I’ve really fallen hard for him.

Anyway, when we first began seeing each other kids came up in conversation and he said he doesn’t want kids. I asked why, and he said that he just has never seen himself as a father, and doesn’t want to bring kids into this world with the way it is going. I ignored this, as we were only a couple of weeks into seeing each other (maybe I shouldn’t have ignored it).

Having children is something that is huge for me, and is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Realistically, so long as I was with the right person then I would want to be getting pregnant in the next couple of years.

Earlier in the week, we had a night away and were having a great time, he then asked me where I see myself in 10 years. I told him I would like to be married and have 2 or 3 kids by then. He then said to me ‘but you know I don’t want to get married or have kids don’t you?’. We had a little conversation about it and he was genuinely upset about it, because this means we might not have a future. I changed the subject as I wanted to continue having a good night. Later on, we were a little drunk and I asked him in a joking way if he loves me yet, and he told me that he wants to say it but he can’t, because of the having kids and getting married thing. Again, he seemed upset.

Anyway, my question is, would you leave a relationship due to this? I would be absolutely heartbroken to end things with him, and I don’t think I would find anyone like him again. But ultimately we will be doomed if he is never going to change his mind? What would you do? I am feeling really upset right now 😔

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 29/01/2023 16:13

Yes I would leave him. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, and at least he's been honest from the start rather than string you along for years.

He may be wonderful, but he isn't compatible with you on a very fundamental level. You've always wanted children. He knows he doesn't. One or other of you may change your mind in time, but you probably won't as it sounds as though you're both quite clear on your position.

If you stayed with this man, one of you would have to change their mind - and it would almost certainly be you, as it wouldn't be right to bring children in to the world when their father doesn't want them (even if he'd agree to it, which doesn't sound likely). That resentment you would feel would make him very very far from perfect.

Do you really want to give up something you've always wanted for someone you've only been serious about for a couple of months? I appreciate it's a big decision as it sounds like in pther respects you're really happy withi him. But I believe you'll save yourself from a lot of heartache later on. It will only get harder, the longer you leave it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2023 16:15

I would end the relationship as you ultimately want marriage and children whilst he does not. Do not waste time hoping or praying that he will change his mind.

And you have every right to be upset too, do not let his apparent upset deflect you from expressing or otherwise having your own very valid feelings here. There are men out there who want both marriage and children.

JorisBonson · 29/01/2023 16:17

He's always been upfront with his wishes. You stay and respect them or you leave.

Pinkbonbon · 29/01/2023 16:18

Send him my way, I don't want kids either.

Sorry you're going through this op.

But he shouldn't be dating women who want kids if he doesn't want them and you shouldn't date men who don't want kids if you want them.

Unless you can move forwards treating this relationship as just fun and company for the time being, then call it a day.

Thingsthatgo · 29/01/2023 16:18

Yes. I would leave.

thaegumathteth · 29/01/2023 16:20

Yes I would for both our sakes

GoodChat · 29/01/2023 16:20

You need to end the relationship unfortunately.

RocketIceLollie · 29/01/2023 16:20

Sounds as if you are different planes unfortunately. The regret of not having the kids you obviously want will eventually eat away at you and likely destroy the relationship. Sorry.

heldinadream · 29/01/2023 16:23

I'm afraid the only answer is to leave ASAP. Less painful all round and honest. So sorry.

2chocolateoranges · 29/01/2023 16:23

I would leave, I don’t see a future for you together, you both want different things in life.

GreenWheat · 29/01/2023 16:25

Yes, leave, your futures aren't compatible.

Lottapianos · 29/01/2023 16:30

Well, you have a decision to make. If you absolutely definitely want children, then he's not the man for you. It's a very tough situation for both of you, I'm sorry

There's nothing in your OP about trying to convince him or get him to change his mind, which is very sensible

quietnightmare · 29/01/2023 16:33

Yes

KItBattingGlove · 29/01/2023 16:34

I would leave, you want very different things and there is no compromise. You are 28. Plenty of time to meet someone else who does want marriage and children. You know you cannot stay in this relationship.

Deathbyfluffy · 29/01/2023 16:36

Time to leave. Some people just don’t want kids and that’s fine - but you’ll miss out on it if you stay with him.

You’ll feel a hundred times worse if you stay with him, break up in 15 years and you’ve missed the boat for having kids completely.

Lasereyes12 · 29/01/2023 16:38

How frustrating OP. If you are certain that marriage and children is what you want I can’t see that you have any other option but to end things. Otherwise you run the risk of wasting time waiting for him to change his mind which he may never do, especially as he seems sure of his decision.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else who will want the same things you do. You sound level headed and sensible to be thinking about this now which is a positive.

DaisyCornflowerBlue · 29/01/2023 16:45

Yes, for all the reasons above. You are not compatible.

Cutlerydraw · 29/01/2023 16:45

@Babeyoulooksocool I have been through this and I left. From my experience I would urge you to end it now. My relationship was more serious so it’s been very hard. In hindsight if I had left at 6 months before living together etc it would have been a lot easier. If he’s 100% no kids then don’t stay in the hope he will change his mind.

Original poster
Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 17:00

Thanks everyone for your advice. How would you now bring this up? Should I just ask him today if we can have a chat and see how it goes? I genuinely feel sick to my stomach about doing this 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 17:01

Can anyone let me know how they would start the conversation and what they would say? I know it needs to come from myself and my own thoughts, but just struggling with how to bring it up/initiate it

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 29/01/2023 17:02

Yes I would leave.

The best way to handle it is to be honest.

I want children and you don't and I don't want to waste either of our time.

Cutlerydraw · 29/01/2023 17:04

@Babeyoulooksocool I would just say that you think you both need to talk through whether to continue the relationship given that, at this moment in time, you both want different things for the future.

blisstwins · 29/01/2023 17:05

Sadly I think you have to end it. I have a friend who ended a marriage because of this. She met someone else and had two children. She thought she could get past not having kids, but she could not. Spare yourself the agony. He has been honest.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 29/01/2023 17:07

Cutlerydraw · 29/01/2023 17:04

@Babeyoulooksocool I would just say that you think you both need to talk through whether to continue the relationship given that, at this moment in time, you both want different things for the future.

This. You’ve both been very honest but it does sadly mean there is no long term future if you have such different goals. Better to end it now, as hard as that is.

tribpot · 29/01/2023 17:12

I think you've just got to say you've been thinking over the previous conversation and it isn't fair on either of you to continue the relationship, much as you would want to. Having kids is just one of those non-negotiable issues, he absolutely shouldn't have them if he doesn't want them, you absolutely should if you do.

I would be very wary if he says he would do it in order to keep you; he's told you his true feelings and it's nobody's fault that there's no middle ground.

So sorry, OP. Best to get this over with sooner rather than later.

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