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Original poster

Would you leave a good relationship if they don’t want kids?

73 replies

Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 16:08

Hi!
So in a nutshell, I started seeing a guy back in August and we’ve been an official couple for the last couple of months - I’m 28 and he’s 32. This guy is an absolute gem and I feel so blessed to be with him. He can’t do enough me, he is so loving and supportive and got me through a really hard time recently, he is so kind and so thoughtful, we get on amazingly and he makes me laugh, he is also absolutely gorgeous which is always a bonus! I’m so happy with him, and I’ve really fallen hard for him.

Anyway, when we first began seeing each other kids came up in conversation and he said he doesn’t want kids. I asked why, and he said that he just has never seen himself as a father, and doesn’t want to bring kids into this world with the way it is going. I ignored this, as we were only a couple of weeks into seeing each other (maybe I shouldn’t have ignored it).

Having children is something that is huge for me, and is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Realistically, so long as I was with the right person then I would want to be getting pregnant in the next couple of years.

Earlier in the week, we had a night away and were having a great time, he then asked me where I see myself in 10 years. I told him I would like to be married and have 2 or 3 kids by then. He then said to me ‘but you know I don’t want to get married or have kids don’t you?’. We had a little conversation about it and he was genuinely upset about it, because this means we might not have a future. I changed the subject as I wanted to continue having a good night. Later on, we were a little drunk and I asked him in a joking way if he loves me yet, and he told me that he wants to say it but he can’t, because of the having kids and getting married thing. Again, he seemed upset.

Anyway, my question is, would you leave a relationship due to this? I would be absolutely heartbroken to end things with him, and I don’t think I would find anyone like him again. But ultimately we will be doomed if he is never going to change his mind? What would you do? I am feeling really upset right now 😔

OP posts:
Warspite · 29/01/2023 17:13

If you stay with him thinking it might work out, you are on a hiding to nothing. At least he’s being totally honest.

If you stay with him and you get broody, believe me that’s a very hard emotion to deal with. You simply can’t ignore or subjugate broodiness and you will hate him if he doesn’t change his mind.

Go now whilst you are young enough to move on with a potential father for the children you want. They are such a blessing.

Mom2K · 29/01/2023 17:16

Anyway, when we first began seeing each other kids came up in conversation and he said he doesn’t want kids. I asked why, and he said that he just has never seen himself as a father, and doesn’t want to bring kids into this world with the way it is going. I ignored this, as we were only a couple of weeks into seeing each other (maybe I shouldn’t have ignored it).

Just curious, when this conversation came up and he was honest with you about not wanting kids - were you honest with him about the fact that you DO want marriage and kids? Or did you just skip past that and change the subject? If you didn't share your goals with him in this conversation then it was very dishonest of you as he probably thought you were on the same page if you didn't clarify. So while your feelings of wanting marriage and children are valid, he has more grounds for being upset since you ignored a very important part of this conversation you had early into the relationship and decisions about progressing the relationship could have been determined back then rather than now, when it is much harder because stronger feelings are involved.

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do - if you stay together one of you will have to compromise, which will probably cause resentment and is not a great foundation for your relationship.

Dery · 29/01/2023 17:18

“Time to leave. Some people just don’t want kids and that’s fine - but you’ll miss out on it if you stay with him.

You’ll feel a hundred times worse if you stay with him, break up in 15 years and you’ve missed the boat for having kids completely.”

This with absolute bells on. And it’s not unknown in such circumstances for the man to settle down with a younger partner and have the children he didn’t want to have with his previous partner, though this particular guy does sound unlikely to change his mind.

No-one’s wrong here but you are fundamentally incompatible and that is, I think, the way to put it to him when you speak. Good luck with your conversation, OP.

strawberry2017 · 29/01/2023 17:22

Absolutely 100%!
You just need to be honest with him, you both want different things and children is not something you are prepared to compromise on. Better to go separate ways

Pinkbonbon · 29/01/2023 17:22

I would just say something along the lines of 'so ive been thinking and I think we both know that we're not conpatabke in the long-term. You don't want kids and I do. You don't want marriage and I do. Unfortunately I think it's time we go our separate ways'.

That being said, just a thought but, as a childfree woman I've had conversations with people who just assumed they wanted kids because they never really gave it much thought. It just seemed like 'the done thing'. And some were regretful.

...if you've met someone you love, who loves you and treats you right and makes you happy, that's such a rare thing! There's no guarantee you will find it again with someone who wants kids. Who, are also hypothetical people that don't currently exist. So it's like gambling one great thing for the possibility of another.

I mean, I'd still argue to leave. But just be sure to consider things.

Original poster
Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 17:28

@Mom2K no I didn’t mention it in that particular conversation. But he has always been well aware that I want children and that I’m a very family orientated person. I’m a social worker as well and he knows that my life revolves around children and I do want my own. I’m always saying things like ‘when I have a baby’ etc etc, so it won’t have been a shock to him that I want children in the future

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 29/01/2023 17:28

Sounds like you aren't compatible. You want completely different things and it will only create trouble down the line. It's sad but there's no point in delaying three inevitable.

JustDrama · 29/01/2023 17:30

Yes I would leave and that's what I did after 5 years. I have to say when I ended it he "changed" his mind to keep me but it was too late. I now have DC with another partner.

YoBeaches · 29/01/2023 17:30

I would just say it as it is. Based on the conversations, you want different things in your lives, it's important that's recognised so it will be better for both of you to end it now.

And don't get caught into a FWB arrangement with him x

Original poster
Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 17:33

The other thing to mention is that his ex girlfriend did become pregnant accidentally (supposedly anyway), at the time she found out they were on the verge of breaking up and did end things when she was around 6 weeks pregnant. Even though my dp has never wanted children, he still wanted to be a father to this baby, and continued to support her until they went to a scan and found there was no heartbeat, sadly. It’s hard because as sad as this story is and it has absolutely no relevance to our relationship it does make me wonder if he will change his mind? But I know I can’t pin my future on that

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 29/01/2023 17:36

Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 17:33

The other thing to mention is that his ex girlfriend did become pregnant accidentally (supposedly anyway), at the time she found out they were on the verge of breaking up and did end things when she was around 6 weeks pregnant. Even though my dp has never wanted children, he still wanted to be a father to this baby, and continued to support her until they went to a scan and found there was no heartbeat, sadly. It’s hard because as sad as this story is and it has absolutely no relevance to our relationship it does make me wonder if he will change his mind? But I know I can’t pin my future on that

Don't expect him to change his mind. His choice is perfectly valid and it's not fair of you to expect him to change.

Pinkbonbon · 29/01/2023 17:36

He's not going to change his mind. Otherwise he would say he didn't know if he wanted them or not. But he has told you all the way through he didn't want them. Also, he has sat you down recently and told you again.

One of you has to stop assuming the other person's choices aren't valid and call it a day. It doesn't sound like he has the courage to do it.

butterfliedtwo · 29/01/2023 17:40

You want different things. He was honest from the start. Best for both of you that you find someone else who wants children.

category12 · 29/01/2023 17:42

One of you has to stop assuming the other person's choices aren't valid and call it a day. It doesn't sound like he has the courage to do it.

This.

Respect what he says about not wanting children, and sit down and have a conversation about how it is a dealbreaker for you. There can be no compromise and better you end it and go through the sadness of that now, than you continue for years hoping he'll change his mind, and potentially lose your window of fertility.

TedMullins · 29/01/2023 17:42

Why did you ignore it when he told you the first time he didn’t want kids? I’d be quite annoyed about that if I was him as it sounds like you assumed his feelings weren’t valid and would change. I don’t want kids and I tell people on the first date for a reason! If they then brought up kids further down the line and were upset I didn’t want them I’d be like… I literally told you this at the start!

yes, you have to leave. He won’t change his mind any more than you’ll change yours about having them.

MarshaBradyo · 29/01/2023 17:45

Yes leave

It’s sad but better than future pain which could be more

You want dc and he doesn’t

mozzyworries · 29/01/2023 17:46

I actually think you've been a little selfish here. He told you early on that he doesn't want children and you ignored it and continued to date him. I'm not surprised he's upset when you say that's how you see your future.

If you're both set in your position as it sounds like you are then it's not something which can be compromised on. If you did compromise I think you'd feel very resentful later in life.

CheekyHobson · 29/01/2023 17:46

You know it’s not going to work out because he has been upfront with you about not wanting kids (or marriage!). So it’s time to end it before you both become more invested and start getting resentful towards the other because they won’t change.

As a side note, you should probably reflect on why, when this guy gave you a clear and very important message about how the two of you were incompatible, you just glossed over it and kept going in the relationship. You need to understand why you did that. Did you not give him the respect of taking him seriously? Did you think/hope he would see you as so special he’d change his mind? Did you literally put it out of your head and just continue in a state of denial, as though he hadn’t said it? All of these are unhealthy responses and could be part of a pattern of behaviour that causes other problems for you in life.

BreviloquentBastard · 29/01/2023 17:46

Will you change your mind if he waits around long enough? If the answer is absolutely no and you expect him to respect that, how can you not do him the same courtesy?

There is no compromise, you can't have half a child. Hanging around expecting him to change his mind is both foolish and disrespectful. Sorry but you are just fundamentally incompatible. It happens. Time to let each other go, so you can find someone to have a family with and he can find someone who suits him too.

butterfliedtwo · 29/01/2023 17:48

As a side note, you should probably reflect on why, when this guy gave you a clear and very important message about how the two of you were incompatible, you just glossed over it and kept going in the relationship. You need to understand why you did that.

Good point.

LadyEloise1 · 29/01/2023 17:52

I know of two people whose relationships broke up because one of the couple wanted children and the other didn't.
One of the women went on to have 5 children in quick succession with her new partner- both are in great jobs.
I don't know what happened to her former partner.
The woman in the other couple didn't want children. Her partner did. I don't know if he had any.
She hasn't had any with her subsequent partner.

Lasereyes12 · 29/01/2023 17:52

I don’t think you’ve been dishonest OP as you haven’t been seeing each other long and sounds like you needed some time to get your feelings straight. But you should try to be honest with him now.

Badger1970 · 29/01/2023 17:53

I think you need to be honest with him, say that your last conversation won't leave your mind, and that you just don't think there is a future in this for either of you.

You can't waste your fertility waiting for him to change his mind and you'd be a fool to even consider it.

Dacadactyl · 29/01/2023 17:55

Yes, leave him.

Otherwise you will be posting on here in a decade's time, terrified that your window for having kids is running out, while he is still not committing to you.

The one good thing is you've found out very early on.

There is another man out there for you and you are still young enough to find him and have a future together, including children.

Good luck.

Ginger1982 · 29/01/2023 17:57

You need to blunt and honest with him. You love him, but you're on two completely different paths. One of you would end up compromising (likely you) and feeling resentful. Find someone who wants the same things you want.