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Original poster

Would you leave a good relationship if they don’t want kids?

73 replies

Babeyoulooksocool · 29/01/2023 16:08

Hi!
So in a nutshell, I started seeing a guy back in August and we’ve been an official couple for the last couple of months - I’m 28 and he’s 32. This guy is an absolute gem and I feel so blessed to be with him. He can’t do enough me, he is so loving and supportive and got me through a really hard time recently, he is so kind and so thoughtful, we get on amazingly and he makes me laugh, he is also absolutely gorgeous which is always a bonus! I’m so happy with him, and I’ve really fallen hard for him.

Anyway, when we first began seeing each other kids came up in conversation and he said he doesn’t want kids. I asked why, and he said that he just has never seen himself as a father, and doesn’t want to bring kids into this world with the way it is going. I ignored this, as we were only a couple of weeks into seeing each other (maybe I shouldn’t have ignored it).

Having children is something that is huge for me, and is all I’ve ever wanted in life. Realistically, so long as I was with the right person then I would want to be getting pregnant in the next couple of years.

Earlier in the week, we had a night away and were having a great time, he then asked me where I see myself in 10 years. I told him I would like to be married and have 2 or 3 kids by then. He then said to me ‘but you know I don’t want to get married or have kids don’t you?’. We had a little conversation about it and he was genuinely upset about it, because this means we might not have a future. I changed the subject as I wanted to continue having a good night. Later on, we were a little drunk and I asked him in a joking way if he loves me yet, and he told me that he wants to say it but he can’t, because of the having kids and getting married thing. Again, he seemed upset.

Anyway, my question is, would you leave a relationship due to this? I would be absolutely heartbroken to end things with him, and I don’t think I would find anyone like him again. But ultimately we will be doomed if he is never going to change his mind? What would you do? I am feeling really upset right now 😔

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/01/2023 18:00

Of course if you want kids this relationship doesn't have a happy future.

Simonjt · 29/01/2023 18:17

Yes I would leave, and I do say that as someone who had to make that choice and leave a very very happy relationship. Its really hard when you do it, but in the long run it is the right decision.

iamenough2023 · 29/01/2023 18:36

Absolutely yes, you should leave him. If you want children, no man can fill that void for you. If you stay together, you would most definitely grow a resentment toward him and the relationship may not survive anyway. I met quite a number of women who did that and neither one of them were happy. A friend of mine got married but her husband left her for another women at some point, and had a child with her, while it was too late for my friend to have a child of her own at that point.

All I ever wanted was to have a bunch of kids and I have three. While parenthood is hard and they drive me crazy a lot of the time, I would not trade it for anything. If you ask me they are all I have and care about. I recently separated from their father, our relationship did not survive, as many do not, but I still have my kids. Good luck OP. I wish you with all my heart that you find someone to build a family with, a whole bunch of happy and healthy babies.💕

louderthan · 29/01/2023 20:17

You need to end it sadly. I'm the other way round: I don't want kids and I know I won't change my mind. I couldn't date someone who did, we'd be fundamentally incompatible.

Fuckstix · 29/01/2023 20:48

Unfortunately I think you should end this.

Let him know you need to talk about the relationship, that you appreciate his honesty but that a priority for you is children in due course so think if best to move on.

If you get in any deeper it will be harder. You're only 20-something now but it can take time to meet someone compatible who wants all the same things, who you genuinely get on with and feel on a wavelength with. Give yourself the best chance of this by starting early. It's a shame as this man was nearly it but unfortunately it's a big incompatibility even if you do get on brilliantly.

Don't hang onto the thing with his ex as 'well, if i do get pregnant then he will step up and everyone will be happy'. It just shows he accepts the risk of pregnancy involved with sex and was willing to do the right thing. The point is that he actively doesn't want children.

Wibblewibble1 · 29/01/2023 20:51

Surely he should keep an open mind? He is very young to make such life changing statements with no compromise. Tell him that unless he is willing to keep an open mind about it, it’s basically a non starter

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/01/2023 20:54

Wibblewibble1 · 29/01/2023 20:51

And why shouldn't the OP keep an open mind, in that case? presumably she's equally young to be making life changing statements with no compromise. Perhaps he should tell HER to keep an open mind about not* having children.

*I was 15 when I decided I didn't want children. Now 68 and have never changed my mid.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/01/2023 20:57

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/01/2023 20:54

*I was 15 when I decided I didn't want children. Now 68 and have never changed my mid.

Show quote history

WTF with the formatting.....

Pippa12 · 29/01/2023 21:54

If i was absolutely sure that having children was non negotiable I’d leave. Ultimately I imagine the relationship will break down in the future because of your maternal instinct, might aswel be now whilst you’re not intertwined.

MountainChalet · 29/01/2023 23:45

I've been in that situation and was also hoping he would change his mind. It never happened. Our relationship was on and off for about 6 years until I was strong enough to break up for good and move on. Then, I fell in love with someone else, got married and we've got 3dc.

Dullardmullard · 30/01/2023 00:15

I ended 2 relationships when they asked for a child

I already had kids and didn’t want anymore and stated this very early on and one tried to sabotage the birth control (condoms) he was rapidly dumped.

the other we chatted and decided to go our separate ways he went onto marry and divorce with 3 years as his wife lied to him about wanting to start a family He’s now with another lass and 2 kids of his own. We’re still friendly to this day.

he doesn’t want any but you do, and that’ll cause resentment time to leave, and don’t listen to him if he says let’s see for the future you have a time window he doesn’t.

JorisBonson · 30/01/2023 07:23

Wibblewibble1 · 29/01/2023 20:51

Why should he? He's made a very valid choice, regardless of his age.

Having a child would be a bigger life changer than choosing to remain child free.

XmasElf10 · 30/01/2023 07:37

You should have left him when he first said he didn’t want kids. I’d remember that next time. Now you need the BIG talk. No babies, no relationship and he sounds like he is already decided.

erehj · 30/01/2023 07:37

He's not going to change his mind.

Please don't waste anymore time with him. Your fertility has a deadline and you need time o build a new relationship.

Please don't give up the chance of having kids for a man.

There are so many threads from women who wasted their fertile years waiting around for a man to change his mind.

Also lots of threads from women whose partners "didn't want marriage or children" who find out too late that they just didn't want it with them. They are dumped for a younger woman who is married and pregnant within a year, and left childless themselves.

Also, when you meet someone else, don't get pregnant until after the wedding. Lots of threads of women with 3 kids and still waiting for a proposal "one day".

MintJulia · 30/01/2023 07:45

I broke off an engagement when my then dp announced he never wanted children. Cancelled a wedding and we separated. It was tough.

Now, 25 years later, I know it was the right thing to do. I haven't found anyone else but I have a wonderful teenage son and I wouldn't have missed that for anything.

quantumbutterfly · 18/09/2023 11:41

Is it a good relationship if you want different things from life?

lala66 · 18/09/2023 12:48

I’d leave. Not only has he said he doesn’t want kids, but he doesn’t want to get married either, like he doesn't want any any long term attachments to anyone? Also it’s very manipulative for him to say he’s not sure he loves you now because you want kids?!

BMrs · 18/09/2023 12:59

Yes! My mum has a friend who gave us having her own children because if her partner. Now smite far too late and she deeply regrets it despite them still being together

LovingMyLiver · 18/09/2023 13:11

This was January. I wonder if she is still with him

MargotBamborough · 18/09/2023 13:13

Yes, I would leave. You're not compatible.

Find another guy who wants the same kind of future you do.

Do not waste your childbearing years getting deeper and deeper into a relationship with someone who won't give you what you want, and, to his credit, has been entirely open with you about that.

Part as friends and move on.

Ramalangadingdong · 18/09/2023 13:16

If you want kids you have to leave him. He has told you what he wants and you have to believe him.

Clean3r · 18/09/2023 13:16

This thread is almost a year old! Op can you come back tell us what happened!!

LifeExperience · 18/09/2023 13:17

Just tell him that you want different things out of life, so this relationship will not work. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Please don't hang on thinking he'll change. Men almost never do.

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