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Original poster

Partner said he wouldn’t be heartbroken if we broke up

70 replies

Harpori29 · 27/01/2023 20:27

Hi all. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 kids together and have lived together for 4 years. We were young sweethearts and have gone through a lot together (practically everything together!).

he just told me that if we broke up he wouldn’t be heartbroken. He said he’s very heartless and doesn’t need anyone. Repeated that he doesn’t need anyone.

he didn’t have the best childhood, no stable family or anyone to show him real love or care and he lacks that compassion now as an adult. He was practically always on his own growing up and had to look after himself so I guess that’s partly why he says he doesn’t need anyone.

im obviously very upset because he’s been telling me he loves me etc and is in love but if that was true then surely he would be heartbroken to lose me? Equally, if he loves me why would he say he doesn’t need anyone / (me). ?

OP posts:
ALS94 · 27/01/2023 20:33

I understand somewhat from your husbands point of view, I am not so extreme but I am independent and even though I’m in a loving relationship, I don’t think I’d be as heartbroken as other people would be. The attachment friends talk about is far beyond the attachment I’ve felt to any of my partners but I love my current partner with my whole heart.

That being said, I would never say it that bluntly to anyone. That’s harsh and unnecessary and you’re very justified to have hurt feelings. Have you told him how hurt you are? What was his reaction?

ShirleyPhallus · 27/01/2023 20:35

Weirdly, I don’t think I’d be absolutely heartbroken if I broke up with my husband. I had a terrible break up when I was younger, and it made me realise that however upset I’d be, I’d always be ok. I think once you’ve had trauma / great upset / something awful happen or a bad break up then you can see how you can come out of the other side of stuff.

Maybe that’s what he means but is just wording it in a clumsy way.

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 20:38

It sounds like he is steeling himself against more trauma. I don't think it means in any way he doen't love you - you live with you and surely can see if there is love there.

Suzi888 · 27/01/2023 20:40

I’d be hurt too op. If there’s nothing to lose, why carry on. What’s the point.
I love deeply, but if it stops then that’s it.
All or nothing. Things change, people change, feelings change.

Suzi888 · 27/01/2023 20:41

Pressed too soon! He didn’t just blurt this out though surely?

page1of4 · 27/01/2023 20:42

Hmm, that sounds like a self defense mechanism. I don't need anyone, I'd be heartbroken to lose my bf but I'd be ok, I know that. He sounds like he's inarticulately trying to explain something similar

RDAnna · 27/01/2023 20:51

ShirleyPhallus · 27/01/2023 20:35

Weirdly, I don’t think I’d be absolutely heartbroken if I broke up with my husband. I had a terrible break up when I was younger, and it made me realise that however upset I’d be, I’d always be ok. I think once you’ve had trauma / great upset / something awful happen or a bad break up then you can see how you can come out of the other side of stuff.

Maybe that’s what he means but is just wording it in a clumsy way.

I get it too.

I'd miss my DH terribly if he left and I love him with all my heart. But I know I'd be okay.

Perhaps that's what he means?

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/01/2023 20:54

Sounds like he's emotionally immature (not unusual) and has a lot to learn.

It's not easy - life, bringing up kids, being a good parent and partner.

Hopefully you can open up to each other and communicate your fears and hopes for the future.

Creating and raising a family is a huge commitment.

Original poster
Harpori29 · 27/01/2023 22:56

Hi everyone. So we haven’t had the best day today, I’ve been upset over a different issue and that was just something he said to me amongst many other things.

I didn’t tell him how that made me feel yet but I did try and tell him how I feel about other ways that he treats me and just how I’m feeling very down in general. What upsets me the most is he never talks to me about my problems or tries to help me or listen to me. I’m constantly listening to him talk everyday repeating stories about his childhood, telling me about work every day, what’s happened at work, his clients, and just talk about HIMSELF constantly! It’s literally 24/7 he’s so self absorbed. It bothers me so much but I just accept it, do as he says, play the role of the perfect housewife etc but I knew it will boil up at some point and I’ll explode.

today was that day unfortunately. I’m human and I have emotions whereas he doesn’t ever show emotions (past trauma I guess) and therefore believes I shouldn’t get upset or have emotions either. I calmly just tried to explain to him that he’s my best / only friend and I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I really want to talk to him sometimes about how I feel and I want him to listen and help me. As I was talking he just continued to play his PlayStation and then got annoyed and said I’m stressing him out and to be quiet…

I find myself just going into my shell and never saying anything that bothers me anymore because it’s easier to live a simple happy life. The less I say and the more I pay attention to him and show him care then the more he ‘loves’ me. As soon as I ever get upset about anything he detaches from me and gets very annoyed which then causes a spiral of me getting more upset and frustrated and then him getting angry because he thinks I’m stressing him out.

there’s no way to win

OP posts:
Godislaughingatme · 27/01/2023 22:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 23:00

Would he go to therapy OP? He clearlyh needs to deal with this trauma in his life. You need to be able to talk and express emotion without it triggering him and stressing him out to the point that he shuts down.

JorisBonson · 27/01/2023 23:02

RDAnna · 27/01/2023 20:51

I get it too.

I'd miss my DH terribly if he left and I love him with all my heart. But I know I'd be okay.

Perhaps that's what he means?

Show quote history

Another one that gets it. Life would go on. I would be fucking sad, but I wouldn't die.

Godislaughingatme · 27/01/2023 23:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Harpori29 · 27/01/2023 23:16

He completely refuses to go to therapy. We are still quite young - late 20s.

the ‘switching off’ lack of emotions, lack of compassion, disrespect that all stems from how he’s been raised just bothers me so much. Fair enough things have improved alot over the past few months but that’s got a lot to do with the fact I have just accepted everything now and don’t question / pull him up on things. So even if he does get annoyed at me for something it usually only lasts a few minutes now whereas before he would easily detach for a week.

he’s started to show alot more love and kindness in the recent months but there’s still the element of disrespect. For example, he constantly flirts with other women, clients etc all with the plan that he makes money off them so he kind of leads them on. In this context he doesn’t have respect for females in my opinion, which also stems from not having a great mother and no father in his life. If I comment on the fact what he does upsets me or I’m not comfortable with it he will get annoyed and tell me I’m stressing him out. So I don’t bother getting upset anymore. Although today I just couldn’t hold it back. It upsets me he can message multiple females ALL day long, listen to them vent to him, talk about their days and what they’re going through etc all because he’s making money off them as they’re his clients. Yet he can’t listen to me once a month because I would be stressing him??

it’s like he doesn’t see real value in people and just uses them which is why he doesn’t genuinely care about their feelings.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/01/2023 00:19

OP - what you are describing is a dysfunctional relationship.
You found each other as somewhat damaged youth - at least he seemed to be. And maybe you felt you were saving him from his terrible life situation.
So now you have some sort of codependent relationship. He is used to your ‘saving’ him - that’s why there is only space for his emotions and issues.
You are still firmly in you ‘saviour’ mode - where your needs and wants are not met and neglected.
How long do you think will live like this before waking up to the fact that he is using you?

OldFan · 28/01/2023 00:52

I would assume he fancies someone else OP, that's why he's saying he wouldn't be gutted if you split up, because he can imagine life without you.

I don't get the impression that he solely meant it in a healthy way like some PP's above mean it if they were to say it.

Sounds like he's pretty awful in a lot of ways anyway.

You're still young, maybe time to start your own next stage of life free of this thoughtless oddball.

Hawkins002 · 28/01/2023 00:57

@Harpori29 what's his profession ?

OldFan · 28/01/2023 00:58

@Harpori29 Was he not willing to marry you?

Men who aren't good can use a past that wasn't ideal as a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card, saying they aren't capable of consistent decent behaviour and we shouldn't expect it of them.

LilLilLi · 28/01/2023 08:01

MMmomDD · 28/01/2023 00:19

OP - what you are describing is a dysfunctional relationship.
You found each other as somewhat damaged youth - at least he seemed to be. And maybe you felt you were saving him from his terrible life situation.
So now you have some sort of codependent relationship. He is used to your ‘saving’ him - that’s why there is only space for his emotions and issues.
You are still firmly in you ‘saviour’ mode - where your needs and wants are not met and neglected.
How long do you think will live like this before waking up to the fact that he is using you?

This is spot on, and I’ve been in a very similar position.

You won’t ever get what you need from him.

ArcticSkewer · 28/01/2023 08:08

Mr Emotionally Avoidant, meet Ms Anxiously Attached ....

A match made in heaven.

As others say, you are doing a great job as his Saviour, in Rescue Mode, making it all about him. The only person you can actually change is yourself, though. Maybe take another look at this relationship and how it benefits you

Beachsidesunset · 28/01/2023 08:09

It doesn't sound like a 'simple, happy life'. It sounds awful. You deserve someone better - less selfish, and more able to take responsibility for who he is now rather than constantly blaming his childhood. Is this the relationship you want to model to your children?

Saying he is your 'only' friend is worrying. Time to stretch your wings, sweetheart. A better life is waiting for you to step into it. Take that step.

OriGanOver · 28/01/2023 09:31

OP - he's a damaged man. You can't fix him, you aren't a rehab centre, you deserve to have a voice in your relationship and you deserve to keep your sense of self instead of playing the dutiful housewife.

I divorced my ex over similar issues. Everything was fine was I was happy and attentive. If I wasn't happy about something he did - not matter how many knots I tied myself into explaining it in a non confrontational way - he would blow up. I lost myself and felt very guilty for leaving.

I'm very happy now. The only way we could have been happy is if he had sorted his shit. I did everything in my power to help him and lost myself in the process. I don't feel guilty now, I feel sorry for him. I would have stayed if he was able to work on himself but he wasn't and I was not sacrificing myself for him.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2023 10:30

It sounds like there’s lots of issues with this relationship, are you sure you want to stay together?

perfectcolourfound · 28/01/2023 14:14

You deserve so much better than the dregs of a relationship this man is willing to give you @Harpori29

This isn't a good relationship. Relationships are meant to make life better - for both of you. You describe him as your only friend - why is that? You really need to widen your social circle and not rely on one person for everything. Especially as that one person is pretty useless and doesn't really care what you think or feel.

Think about the relationship this is modelling for your children. If one of your children was in your position, what would you advice them to do? I feel sure it wouldn't be 'stay with the man who makes you unhappy and doesn't value you'. You would tell them to leave, and to be happily single, and that would leave you available to find a better, proper, healthy relationship in the future.

I've been unhappily married, in the past. I left that marriage and was a single parent. Life was 1000 times better. I'm now very happily re-married. To someone who shares the load, shows me he loves me in a hundred ways, listens to me, is interested in me, wants to help if I'm worried about something. I'm not saying that to be smug. I'm saying that's how marriage should be, and he isn't willing or able to give that to you.

Bellalalala · 28/01/2023 14:18

Op it sounds miserable from how you describe the relationship.

Would you really be heart broken if you split up?