Partner said he wouldn’t be heartbroken if we broke up

[Harpori29]

Hi all. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 kids together and have lived together for 4 years. We were young sweethearts and have gone through a lot together (practically everything together!).

he just told me that if we broke up he wouldn’t be heartbroken. He said he’s very heartless and doesn’t need anyone. Repeated that he doesn’t need anyone.

he didn’t have the best childhood, no stable family or anyone to show him real love or care and he lacks that compassion now as an adult. He was practically always on his own growing up and had to look after himself so I guess that’s partly why he says he doesn’t need anyone.

im obviously very upset because he’s been telling me he loves me etc and is in love but if that was true then surely he would be heartbroken to lose me? Equally, if he loves me why would he say he doesn’t need anyone / (me). ?

In purely practical terms, what can you do to leave your abuser?

Would your family help you?

So, when are you going to leave him?

This 'man's' issues need to be addressed by him. He will NEVER EVER do that. He sees the world as the issue, not him. For whatever reason, he is how he is, but he is abusing you, manipulating you and controlling you.

From what I can see you are in a very very very precarious position. You're not married, a sahm, he calls the shots over everything, it seems, and he doesn't care for, or about you, unless you toe his line, all day, every day. You may not feel you have the strength to do this now but you need to leave him and soon, otherwise you will end up a fractured shell of your former self, no pension, no 'rights' financially or legally and wholly dependent on an abuser, who, when, or if, he discards you because you haven't cooked his dinner or ironed his shirt properly literally dumps you once his use for you is done and you will have nothing. Speak to womens aid or someone please.

Get out as soon as you can, you are in an abusive relationship, you DO NOT DESERVE THIS and it is not not not your 'fault'.

I understand why it upset you, but it shouldn't in the context and with his background as he's explained it. My DH and his sisters are pretty 'hard' due to a terrible childhood. It's a bit like don't let yourself be vulnerable or you'll get hurt. I'm sure he meant it like this and doenst mean he doenst love you and your children.

Maybe try and read the rest of OPs posts before glorifying an abuser.

OP, this isn't going to get better. This man's a pig and he treats you like a slave. You need to urgently get some outside assistance to work on your self-esteem and ideally, work up to leaving him. How old are your kids, could you try to pick up some outside work? Although with such an abusive partner, chances are he'd react just as badly.

OP you might not be ready to leave and that is okay.

Please please try to carve a bit of life just for you. Gym/swim/friends/ even reading books. Carve happiness out that doesn't rely on him - ideally something like the gym that would make you feel mentally stronger as well as physically. Do classes, make friends.

You might find that you manage to build such a nice life without him that it won't be you who is heartbroken when the split happens - and you will split up, this is not a forever relationship and I think it will be him trying to get you back and being the heartbroken one when it does.

It sounds awful OP, sorry you are going through this. If you aren't ready to leave I would stop doing things for him and take the attitude of I don't give a damn about you for a while and take some time for myself. Even if you do deeply care just pretend you don't, it's usually a good shock to the system and causes a level of panic / surprise. At the moment he probably realises you are there no matter what. You sound like a lovely person.

This man does not respect women. Not his clients, and not you.

He sees you as a help human, there to service his needs. He has made it plain he does not care about yours.

His childhood trauma is not an excuse. How he treats you right now matters. You deserve to be well treated and this isn't it.

He will never change, I am sorry to say. It's too deep rooted.

Does he financially support you or are you totally reliant on him for money too? Does he control the finances ?

You need to get mad about being treated that way.

As pp have said really I think it's totally broken and you will need to leave, but in the interim, stand up for yourself. How would he respond if you behaved this way to him? This is very unequal and nasty.

I'm 61 - tons of experience with heartbreak, men, relationships. I'll pass on some key pieces of advice I really wish I'd known or been able to implement.

NUMBER 1: Take the person at face value. Act on that. Simple.
Do not try to second guess or understand the reasons why he behaves the way he does. Face value.

NUMBER 2: If the relationship hurts you on a regular basis, you are the only one who can stop the hurting. Not the other. Put yourself first. Self respect is action not a feeling. The feeling follows the action (in time).

He is literally showing you he doesn't care. I mean literally. You need to SEE it and rescue yourself and your children. It's painful to see this, but it is the first step to a better life.

He is literally showing you he doesn't care. I mean literally. You need to SEE it and rescue yourself and your children. It's painful to see this, but it is the first step to a better life.

Amen to that.

How are you today, @Harpori29 ?

I hope some of the responses in this thread are helpful to you. 💐

Thank you all for your responses! They have Definitley helped me a lot.

I used to stand up for myself a lot and now I find myself just accepting everything. Which is why things have been going so ‘well’ lately but I’m realising it can’t stay that way forever.

it upsets me how he’s been so loving recently, telling me he loves me multiple times a day etc and then today told me ‘you make me sick’. How can his feelings towards me change so quick? How can things be going the best they have been in years to suddenly back to this stage, over what? I guess that’s what bothers me too - the feeling that no matter how ‘well’ we can get along it can always change in a split second

You can probably word it better but your response to that should be something like:

'I don't think I have done anything to make you sick. You are being unreasonable, rude, and mean. Do you want to explain yourself or should we think about splitting up as this is clearly not making either of us happy at the moment?'

I would not be 100% surprised to find he has another woman and is trying to push you into being the one to leave.

But even if so, from what you are describing you would be well out of it.

He is just playing mind games with you.
Dont take his bait.
Focus on yourself and your children.
And plan your escape.💐

"it upsets me how he’s been so loving recently, telling me he loves me multiple times a day etc and then today told me ‘you make me sick’. How can his feelings towards me change so quick? How can things be going the best they have been in years to suddenly back to this stage, over what? I guess that’s what bothers me too - the feeling that no matter how ‘well’ we can get along it can always change in a split second"

Another absolute rule for dealing with relationships. Particularly for men/women who don't seem to make 'sense':

Judge them by what they do, not what they say. Ignore what you are hearing and look at their actions.

The reason why you may so attached to an unkind person is called "partial reinforcement theory". Look it up - an experiment was done on monkeys.
positivepsychology.com/harlow-experiment/

It means that the few nice bits keep you attached to someone who is basically unkind because you keep hoping the 'nice bits' are going to become the permanent state. They will not. If he was unkind all the time you would have left wouldn't you?

Lastly, are you really listening to your life?? Are you really seeing what is in front of you?? This can be painful, but nothing will change until you do.

I wish you luck.

Hi all! Back with an update.

so he snapped out of his ‘mood’ randomly one day. Started acting friendly and that night bought me icecream and watched a movie with me. Although I know this behaviour change is not normal I just was happy we were back on good terms…

since then things are back to being amazing. He’s been lovely to me 24/7 since. he keeps mentioning Valentine’s Day and how he really wants to do something special for me etc (he never makes effort so this is a big deal).

tonight he’s come home from work and told me that I’m not going to be happy with this plan but he’s going to buy a little valentines gift for all of his female clients…

I immediately told him that’s not ok and I’m not happy with that but he point blank told me he IS going to do it. No doubt about it. So my feelings or concerns were literally wiped out and unimportant on this subject.

his reason for this is he tries to build a strong relationship with his clients and make them feel special and cared for so he has this strong business and gets more custom (funny how he won’t be buying valentines gifts for the males though or making them feel special!).

when I showed that I wasn’t happy about this he then said the problem is we’ve become too much like best friends and he tells me everything. He said he shouldn’t tell me all these things and should just do it instead and I wouldn’t know. This bothered me more because he’s saying he shouldn’t tell me like best friends (when that’s exactly what you SHOULD do in a relationship) and saying he should’ve just not told me and done it (that’s what you should do if you were single!).

he then proceeded to ask me what I’d like to do for valentines, if I want to go for a meal etc etc. now I’m so p*ssed off! I snapped at first and now I’ve just kept very quiet as I cannot be bothered for another issue or week of him ignoring me. It’s just not right! Things are going so great but these moments of disrespect just don’t seem to be changing and he doesn’t care that it’s disrespectful to me.

I’m not sure how you can say “things are going great” when they’re so very clearly not. This guy is a weapons-grade arse. He’s treating you like shit and you’re allowing him to, to be blunt.

These damaged men who "don't need anyone" always latch onto a woman then disrupt her life with their bullshit, don't they? A bad childhood isn't an excuse to be shitty to your partner. He's taking the piss. You have children so he thinks he's got you where he wants you. & I'd say he fancies someone else hence his pig-ignorant speech about not being heartbroken if he broke up with you.

When a man shows and tells you who he is, believe him. There is zero point in analysing him, you know what's what. As for all the contact with other women, FGS he's not the boss of you. He's just a charmless abusive man who's messing with your head. You've had good advice from pp's anyway so I hope you take it and don't waste your 1 life on this man. You'll be on the floor after years and years of his nonsense

he told me don’t touch me and then proceeded to tell me what food to cook him and other household jobs to do while he’s at work.

This isn't a 'trauma response' @Harpori29 he's treating you like a domestic appliance.

I hate you so bad right now don’t talk to me for the whole week

Bloke's an abusive arsehole.