Partner said he wouldn’t be heartbroken if we broke up

[Harpori29]

Hi all. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. We have 2 kids together and have lived together for 4 years. We were young sweethearts and have gone through a lot together (practically everything together!).

he just told me that if we broke up he wouldn’t be heartbroken. He said he’s very heartless and doesn’t need anyone. Repeated that he doesn’t need anyone.

he didn’t have the best childhood, no stable family or anyone to show him real love or care and he lacks that compassion now as an adult. He was practically always on his own growing up and had to look after himself so I guess that’s partly why he says he doesn’t need anyone.

im obviously very upset because he’s been telling me he loves me etc and is in love but if that was true then surely he would be heartbroken to lose me? Equally, if he loves me why would he say he doesn’t need anyone / (me). ?

Admittedly I'm like this OP.

I love my husband but I don't need him. The only people I think my heart would break over is my kids.

I don't really need anyone, I always noticed when I was younger that I always had the upper hand (for want of a better description) in friendships and relationships and I realised its probably because I didn't depend on them the way they did me. It doesn't mean I don't care about people and love them. I'm just hyper independent.

I wouldn't tell DH that though.

Unfortunately I doubt there exists a person who will stop gaming to have a deep and meaningful, so I don't think your timing was at its best, doomed to fail you could say. Which begs the question really why you tried then? Maybe you expect to be ignored, so to prove to yourself that he does, you picked a moment where he was bound to ignore you.
Doesn't sound like he's much use except as a provider. If you are a SAHM you are in a vulnerable position not being married. Perhaps think about how you could change that, you are still young, so could retrain and have time to find a career. Maybe disengage as he does and carve your own path, while getting your ducks in a row if you want to aim for better?

Hi all! Update:

It’s now been 3 days and he’s still not speaking to me. Other than the necessary basics eg telling me to do things: cooking, washing etc.

after that night, the next morning I sent him a text saying ‘I’m sorry’. Even though I have reasons to be upset, I was sorry for the way I handled my emotions. He replied with ‘yew!’ (A little cute way of saying ahh you! Nothing bad) so assumed things would be fine and I even sent him a heart emoji.

when he returned from work that evening he didn’t speak to me… he went in the bedroom very early and ignored me all night. Yesterday same thing and today same thing. He’s getting ready to go off to work now and I tried talking to him and he completely refused to answer me at all. Until I tried to touch him with me foot (was lying down) and he told me don’t touch me and then proceeded to tell me what food to cook him and other household jobs to do while he’s at work.

now here I am regretting mentioning anything at all, regretting getting upset about anything. It is pointless, I can’t even have a nice conversation about what bothers me without it escalating to this. Now I just remember why I stay quiet because atleast that way there’s no argument and we’ll be ‘happy’

And how are you feeling about the rest of your life like that?

He’s putting it like that because he has a deep insecurity that the people he loves will leave him. It’s easier to act like you have the heart of a stone, easier to make it clear to the person you love that you don’t really care- because deep down you’re afraid that if they knew how much you do care, they’ll leave.

Honestly not great. What hurts the most is we finally got our relationship back 90% to what it was like before kids. We have been on an amazing streak for months, he’s been spending every single day with me, so living etc and now it’s gone to the next extreme. Not only does he not reply to me it’s like I’m not in the same room, like I’m invisible.

I think about my life and how it feels like I’m being ‘punished’ when he responds like this. His trauma response shouldn’t make me feel like I don’t exist.

What job does he do that he listens to women talk about their problems all day?

I thought from your op that maybe he was just communicating poorly

but actually you are too.
and you’re resentful.
and completely isolated (do you have your own trauma? Has he isolated you?)
he is self absorbed
doesn’t care about your emotions
hes seemingly in desperate need of therapy but has no interest in tackling his issues, even if it means they damage you and your relationship
he disrespects you
and he’s told you basically he’s not that attached to you.
now you know where you stand I guess.
hear what he’s telling you. He has verbalised what his actions have been telling you for years.

I don’t have my own trauma, I’ve always naturally been quite reserved and since I was a sahm for 4 years I don’t have any friends really only family that I see once a week

Hi all.
so I got a message from him while he was at work telling me to hang up his washed clothes - which I did.

I’ve also batch cooked 4 packs of roasted sweet potatoes, 30 pieces of bbq chicken drumsticks and a huge tub of mince soup - all what he told me to cook before he left for work. All done ready when he came home. (He only meal preps so I’m batch cooking this amount and sometimes more every day/every 2 days).

he’s come back and instantly started complaining. (Another issue I find with him that no matter what he only finds and points out negative things he never says anything positive). He complained about the amount of oil in the mince, too much salt on the chicken etc.

I told him that it would be nice if he could show some appreciation. I’ve just cooked all that for him he could say something positive, said that no one ever cooks for me yet he gets all this cooked for him everyday. He proceeded to tell me that I’m not cooking ‘for him’ it’s for the ‘home’… yes but it is mainly for him! Said that there is ‘no reason he would cook for me’.

he then got annoyed at me asking for appreciation and told me to F off. I’ve gone to my room and received a text from him pin pointing all of the issues wrong with how I’ve cooked …

the worst part about all of this is that because he’s not happy with me this is how he will continue to be. He will continue to LOOK for things to be rude to me about. Whereas if he was in a good mood with me and things were going well (like before) there are many things he wouldn’t even question or get annoyed about. He’s just picking on everything

He sounds like he thinks he's your boss. He's an abusive bully. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Hopefully you'll stay on this thread and gradually come to accept that this isn't normal. This is not how normal relationships work and you do have choices.

Jesus this is so sad
This man is emotionally abusing and using you.
You need to leave him.seriously.
Virtuall hugs to you((😟))

You are making interesting life choices - for that one and only life you have. You'll never get today back. It's another day ticked off in your self-imposed prison.

Does complaining about it on mumsnet make it bearable enough to stay?

Relationships that only work well when you’re quiet and don’t say anything don’t work op

Can you call women’s aid for some advice when he’s out today?

So what are you going to do about it?

You do know that it's not you right?

You are being lovely, helping him, doing things for him - and this is how he treats you.. you're not the problem. Please keep that in mind.

I say this to my OH all the time 😂

The whole 'I can't live without you' thing is bollocks IMO
Yes, I love him and I'm not planning on leaving but if we broke up I'd be fine. A bit sad for a while, but ultimately I'd be ok.

I'd say I used to be more into the notion of romance and finding that 'one true love' idea, but after my divorce realised that actually I only need myself to make me happy. Others can enhance that, of course, but you should never rely on them to be your source of happiness.

I think he sounds like he's secure in himself and that's ok, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Sorry just read your updates, just leave him OP. He's treating you like shit

Thank you all for your replies.

I know it’s not me, I know I’m doing good things for him - things I wish someone would do for me but as he never owns up to what he does wrong I guess the only person left to blame is me so I try to alter the way I behave to make things ‘work’.

he has told me multiple times recently how ‘good’ I am now and that I’ve changed. He doesn’t realise that I’ve just given up fighting for things and it’s not worth the hassle. He sees it in a positive way whereas I know it’s just me ‘settling’ for his behaviour.

last night when he got into bed he said to me ‘I hate you so bad right now don’t talk to me for the whole week’. This morning taking the kids to school he’s asked me where I’m going.. as if to say he wants me to be home and spend time with him like we usually do.

it’s all just mixed signals. It’s sad that all of this really started from something small that we could have spoken about in 2 minutes without a fight.

OP do you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship?

Oh lord. I’ve just read your updates @Harpori29. I thought it was just a sad man who came from a bad background. No, sorry, it’s a sad little man who gets off on bullying you to boost his own self-inflated ego. Seriously, why do you bother with his demanded batch cooking? Tell him to get lost. Don’t do anything for him- NOTHING. Remind him of your worth, you’re not a maid who exists to cater to his needs- regardless of ‘work’. This relationship sounds toxic and abusive towards you. You deserve better than this and you know it. Don’t give up the fight. Either leave him or keep putting your foot down- return the coldness right back to him. Don’t give him any control (and I only say this bc I know it’s hard to leave for various reasons- if you can leave then please, for yourself and your kids’ sake, do).

last night when he got into bed he said to me ‘I hate you so bad right now don’t talk to me for the whole week’. This morning taking the kids to school he’s asked me where I’m going.. as if to say he wants me to be home and spend time with him like we usually do. It’s all just mixed signals.

OP, the signals really are not mixed. He is abusing you. I’ve read all your updates and his behaviour is constantly disgusting. He makes the occasional pleasant remark just to confuse you. Nothing about this relationship is good.

He is absolutely disgusting and abusive.
you’re to do all the emotional labor, and all the household labor, and not have any needs at all, or he’ll stonewall and punish you by refusing to speak?

and the absolute crumbs he throws out, one-word texts that send you back into hoping things are okay again? Please NEVER apologize to this cretin again.

please get yourself free. You are worth so much more than this. He’s not even human

Christ. No marriage is perfect and I have quite a high tolerance for relational dysfunction especially from bad childhoods, I'm not one to go "LTB" at the drop of a hat – but your marriage truly sounds like hell OP. I can't imagine being used and treated like toilet paper (a disposable dumping ground), the way you describe. And if you'd feel heartbroken with it ending, then possibly your life (which should ideally encompass more than your marriage) is also hell. Sorry I don't mean this in an unkind way.

You are living with an abusive man.I would honestly try myself to make a plan to leave.
Even with a terrible childhood and trauma etc doesn’t give him the right to treat you like he is.