Is this my life forever?

[PinkyParka]

NC for this.

Looking for some advice please fellow Mumsnetters!

I'm worried there is something seriously wrong with me. Is being addicted to new relationships a thing?

I can't seem to get past the two year mark in any of my previous relationships. Even when things have been perfectly fine, once that honeymoon feeling tails off I find myself feeling differently about the person I'm with.

I absolutely crave those feelings you get when you start a new relationship. No matter what I've tried I can't seem to get it back with the person I'm with.

I'm in my mid 30s and feel like this is the cycle of my life over and over forever more.

Is there anything I can do?

Maybe you just aren’t compatible with those people? Plus decent men are almost impossible to find.

Maybe you just have high standards?

Are you wanting to get married or have children?
If not just keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy your life 😂

This is why I'm starting to wonder if it's compatibility or just me!

I don't think I have particularly high standards either. I've been with people from all walks of life and it makes no difference once that phase of the relationship is over.

Thankfully I'm independent with a professional job. I've never wanted to get married or have children so that isn't a concern. I've been with people who have had children, and who haven't. I've been with people where we've spent a lot of time together, and people that it's been less regular and it always eventually reaches the question of where it can go next.

I don't have issue with it I don't think. It's the stigma from others. It's a joke in the family I've had many boyfriends but I don't necessarily think it's hurting anyone.

I've remained friends with some of my exes, they aren't people I necessarily want out of my life for good and done are quite good friends.

Serial monogamy is definitely a thing, so much so that it has its own term.
Plenty of stuff when Google it.

Maybe the fact that you don't want to get married and have kids is contributing in some way, as in you don't have to settle for anyone and have the freedom to move on without thinking that you could be missing out on that opportunity. Are you concerned about this cycle?

Sorry, just reread and seen you're not concerned so ignore the family comments. Those initial feelings are intoxicating! Have you ever felt they have been replaced by a deeper feeling of love?

Yes and the intoxicating part is so addictive it's ridiculous. I love the buzz it gives me.

I think as that initial period wears off I get a sense of feeling something deeper where I feel like life is blissful and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But as the months go by I just find the spark going, and although I don't wish them any ill I start getting the ick about things and start craving that I initial feeling again.

I think it would be helpful if you had a course of therapy so you can understand your feelings a bit better.

Once you understand why you crave that buzz and why once it's gone you are left with the ick, then you can make a choice whether you want to repeat the cycle you are in or make changes.

Since you don't want children, reframe this.

You are living the dream.

Yes, the best bit is the first few years, it's so so much fun.

And you get to have it over and over again! Lucky you.

Everyone I know in real life long term relationships (15plus year) don't like their husbands, most just can't leave cos of logistics/kids. It would be so much better if it was just normal to leave once you don't enjoy each others company any more.
For most is isn't realistic to still enjoy each others company for decades. It's great that you've realised this.

That’s just life. We’re all chasing that buzz - it’s one reason abusive relationships can go on for so long, because each time the cycle starts again you get that “new” buzz again and it’s addictive.

If you meet the right person maybe you’ll gradually lose the buzz but enjoy what’s left? If not, just keep moving on. If it doesn’t bother you don’t worry what anyone else thinks.

Once you get the ick it’s hard to come back from so you may as well cut your losses.

Huh. I get what others are saying about you living your best life and all but I can only talk from my own experiences.

After nearly 20 years In the same relationship I can honestly say it's just getting better for me. I adore having someone that has shared so much of my life with me. We have a deeper connection than anyone else I've ever had in my life. It's different to family members and nobody knows me better. Sure, we've had bad times and tough times and it's different in that we had children together but I would trade that initial buzz for the deep feelings you grow over time any day. It's all a bit shallow otherwise from my perspective

But that’s because you met the right person snowdrops. If OP meets someone who makes her feel like that then she can stay.

I had those feelings for 10 years with my ex. But he was emotionally abusive and every time I decided to finish things he ramped up the niceness and I got the buzz back. Longevity isn’t necessarily the goal here, a happy relationship is. So if that fades after a couple of years, there’s no point in flogging it.

If you were a man this would be considered a huge red flag! It's not really clear exactly what you want though as on the one hand you say you don't have a problem with it, but in your first post you ask if there's anything you can do to change. Maybe though that is just because societal expectations are weighing heavy on you?
I think you need to decide what you want, then you can decide if your behaviour is a problem for you. If you just want serial monogamy then just be honest with people so you're not wasting their time.

In my experience, this makes you very very lucky and rare snowdrops. I am jealous! You are defo living the dream, but I don't think it's the norm. Unfortunately.

Do the men your with start to coast? I find after a while men stop trying and that for me becomes a turn off.

Bear in mind though, as you get older, the pool of men that you fancy and who are available is likely to dry up. Those who are available may come with quite a bit of baggage. What will you do then?

If you get old with someone, you may still fancy them, whereas if you met that person IRL at the age of, say, 50...... you might not... Just a thought.

I have no answers, I am in a similar predicament. I have however, found it very useful to read about love addiction. Learning about the possible causes, and tips regarding how to manage this were particularly helpful. There are lots of sites with a lot of info… here’s an introductory one:

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/love-addiction#takeaway

If you were a man this would be considered a huge red flag!

I don’t see how ending relationships is a red flag. I think it needs to be normalised!
The societal ideal seems to be meeting someone and staying with them until you die. But from my own life experience, divorce statistics plus the high percentage of people who cheat…….I don’t think that ideal is realistic.

I don't think this will be your life forever necessarily because at some point you will have less options because these guys will be going for someone younger or have someone and are settled. You are still young enough to keep window shopping for a forever man.

Yes exactly, op in her 30s now has a plethora of men to choose from but when you are mid 40s and over there won't be as many to choose from. She's probably still gets hit on a lot and enjoys flirting, still very attractive and youthful.. when you are older there is less available guys and the ones available will be going for the woman 10+ years younger. She can afford to cherry pick now but the balance will tip when she's older. She'll end up having to settle or single. That's why it's best to find and secure a good man when you are young and childfree. The best men tend to be snapped up in their twenties from uni. The grass is really not that green!

I think it’s normal (others will probably disagree!).

I think everyone has heard of the 7 year itch… I think we get itches at other points as well, 2-3 years tends to be when the lusty love is replaced by deeper ‘love’ (or at least attachment… based on this research psychology article I read). And I read an article saying the 7 year itch is more like a 12 year itch.

My theory is that our attachment changes at these points because life changes. At 2-3 years we’re normally at the ‘move in together’ and/or ‘have kids’ possibly planning a wedding. So if that stuff is happening we use the life relationship actions to move forward past the itch. If we don’t have the actions we get bored/move on, if we do maybe it triggers a ‘omg I do not want this’ (could be commitment issues, could be fear or change, could be loving life as is). Once past that itch we have a new life to sort out (kids, new home needing doing up etc). It’ll take us a few years to get settled and just as things settle (aka get boring!) the 12 years pops up!

I think it’s either you don’t want change (for whatever reason) or maybe you’re not getting it at the itchy points.

My problem over the last years has been getting over the 3 to 9 months hurdle. If it ended at 3 months, it meant that it should have ended at 3 months.

Now I end it as soon as we hit any issues I know will make me unhappy or struggle and are unlikely to change. For example quality time spent together, or differing sex drives.

It’s a pretty brutal psychological rollercoaster at times… breakups take their toll, they are a stress and an upheaval. Better than the alternative though, short term pain to save yourself from long term unhappiness.

I am able to play in a more even playing field being a woman dating women exclusively. Being passes over for a much younger woman isn’t as big a thing, and there is always opportunity to be the younger woman yourself!

*Correction.
That should have been “If it ended at 9 months, it should have ended at 3 months”

@arethereanyleftatall that's very kind of you to say. I am lucky but it isn't just luck at all. In fact I could tell a tale or two from our history that would have had MN screaming at me to LTB. But then so could he. What I was trying to convey was not a stealth boast but more that feelings evolve and develop and that initial 'buzz' is worth trading for more depth.

What others have pointed out is so true. As our looks fade and our bodies sag a little, it's not so easy to keep dating new people. Someone that reaches 45 and has never been able to hold a relationship past 2 years would be a huge flag for me and likely others. We're all different of course but I do not want to be alone into old age. I want to share my life with someone else.

Someone that reaches 45 and has never been able to hold a relationship past 2 years would be a huge flag for me and likely others

Sure, it would be a red flag for someone who wants marriage, a life-long commitment etc. But for a fellow serial monogamist, OP will be perfect. Women who are childfree by choice and don't want marriage or anything long term are like gold dust.