Is this my life forever?

[PinkyParka]

NC for this.

Looking for some advice please fellow Mumsnetters!

I'm worried there is something seriously wrong with me. Is being addicted to new relationships a thing?

I can't seem to get past the two year mark in any of my previous relationships. Even when things have been perfectly fine, once that honeymoon feeling tails off I find myself feeling differently about the person I'm with.

I absolutely crave those feelings you get when you start a new relationship. No matter what I've tried I can't seem to get it back with the person I'm with.

I'm in my mid 30s and feel like this is the cycle of my life over and over forever more.

Is there anything I can do?

Glad you understand Kiss. I get the psychological aspect. I find myself in that limbo where I think if this is as good as it's gonna get then I'm done, but I know in doing so it is an upheaval.

Definitely societal norms that is causing me the issue.

Maybe they get too comfortable around me and then I start seeing them warts and all and it starts giving me the ick. I always like to make an effort with my appearance and my environment, and they on the other hand start to show their dirty habits that drive me insane.

I think I'd find it very difficult to live with someone else. In my experience they get lazy and start to think they can rely on me more. Maybe I just haven't found my one. I understand Its a needle in a haystack situation!

Rather have lots of friends and my own company at home than put up with a man who I just settle for.

I don't feel like that about relationships- I do in all honesty feel that way about sex though which isn't helpful - I wish I didn't

The different tidiness and cleanliness standards around the home became such an issue for me that I decided I would never ever live with anyone again. It’s such a mind numbing drudgery to have to discuss or think about these things at any length.

I completely understand about the “relaxing” in my company after a bit of time… I actually felt like they became spoiled somehow… I don’t think my expectation are even that high… maybe put some fresh bedsheets on the bed if you know I’m coming over, or run a brush around the loo, or God forbid open some windows and let some fresh air into the place? These are surely basics and not too much to expect!

There is no romance or sparkle in that… we’re NOT an old married couple after 3 months, and I do not want to be the one changing your sheets or cleaning your toilet so I can tolerate using them. This is where the becoming “spoilt” came in… that and suggesting Netflix and chill evenings on the weekend… we don’t have to do anything fancy, but surely life is about more than sitting in front of a screen together.

Now, I’ve decided I’m going to stop staying over at a partners home so frequently, it’s not worth the hassle. I want to be comfortable and have things the way I like them. If they want stay overs, they can come to mine most of the time. And if they want that to change, my expectations will be clear.

The rules are mine to make and I’m sick of adjusting them to my detriment.

@PPinkyParka why is this bad?

If you don't want marriage and children you are, as a PP said, living the dream

Your romantic feelings for a man wear off and you move on

That's fine isn't it?

Breakups can chip away at your mental health, you feel down for a while and then you have to put massive energy into picking yourself up and feeling positive again… compared to someone who’s been married for 20 years, if you’ve been through a dozen breakups, that may have a cumulative effect.

In that time, you bearing the burdens of the up and downs of relationships AND the stresses of single people… there are studies that show single people living alone have much higher stress levels because they have to handle everything themselves with little support or comfort / soothing a partnered person may have.

So many breakups have the risk of making you disillusioned or battle hardened in some way… you necessarily develop appropriate armour for being out in the elements. You need to become a bit more streetwise or even suspicious. You are more on alert and vigilance and thinking and planning and adjusting more… often you are having to work a lot harder than the average person.

It is however, very exciting to experience whirlwind romances so many times. And to meet people from all sorts of differing backgrounds and to learn from them and how they do things…
I have learned and developed in multiple ways, incomparably more than if I had remained with one partner or been continuously single.
I can view the world and how to do things from a number of different angles now that would not have occurred to me. That part is quite satisfying and sort of balances out the rest for me.

There is a risk of this turning into quite a superficial narcissistic lifestyle though. How can you establish something huge and meaningful, a legacy, with such short relationships?

I was just watching a tiktok where an (older) lady said (relating to romantic relationships)

'I have requirements, not expectations' ....and she listed a few

I can relate to this. When I was younger I had expectations and was almost always disappointed but I felt a need to be in a romantic relationship to make me whole

Now I am older i have requirements and I choose to not be in a romantic relationship because ime men will not fulfill those requirements

I'm happy

I'm hurting no one

Win win

@PinkyParka, what was your family of origin like? Married parents that stayed together? Other siblings? Any major trials or hardships growing up? What did you dream your life as an adult was going to be like, when you were a child?

@KKissTheRainAgain are you suggesting that we can only develop something huge and meaningful - a legacy - in a long term romantic relationship?

Very curious to hear what your requirements are that men in general have failed to meet so abysmally that it’s caused you to throw in the towel for good!

Not at all… it’s a question that has been weighing on me recently… in which ways can I make my life meaningful since I have opted out of marriage and raising the next generation… I have already put in place spiritual practices, mentoring others, charitable efforts…

I was curious to hear how others who live similarly have approached it…

I wouldn’t naturally assume everyone is searching for meaning or a legacy though… sometimes it’s hard enough just to survive this mortal coil with a good nature still in tact, that’s a massive achievement and legacy by itself!

@KissTheRainAgain so many 🤣🤣

Seriously - the main two in the last 10 years are that I dont want to marry again nor do I want to live with a man again

The men I have dated have been appalled by these two requirements

It became easier not to bother dating any more and then I discovered what a relief that choice was and how happy I am 😃

Ah I see. It seems to me that you are already doing loads to help others.

Once I'm retired I'm going back to volunteering for the Samaritans.

And I 'mentor' / help 3 younger people now.

And my children, of course 😍 who are wonderful humans 🥰

Ah. Children. Then you have already dipped your toe into one of the bigger purposes of life for many! I would imagine motherhood alone consumes a lot of your time, energy, thoughts, and habits.

Things are a bit different at the less conventional end of things. There is a lot more time that needs to be filled and a lot of time alone with your thoughts, and yes sometimes loneliness.

My children are adults who live away so although we are regularly in contact and they come back to see me a few times a year, I'm essentially alone

I never ever feel lonely (yet) but I do work full time, have an elderly mother who needs me and lots of friends/hobbies

There aren't enough hours in the week 🤪

What do you do when you feel lonely @KissTheRainAgain ?

When lonely, I would phone a friend, arrange to go out and do something.

Do chores, that always leaves me feeling satisfied.

Self care and pampering, always works well.

Go for a walk, felt some exercise. Light and fresh air and nature can be a terrific boost.

Bargain basement coping mechanisms would be surfing the web and wine!

I’m getting much better at choosing the healthier options and experience loneliness far less now than I used to… it’s a mindset.

You could say loneliness is an illusion and a trick the devil plays on you… you can opt out of it at any time (unless there are huge unavoidable life challenges that prevent this which I understand).

Kiss you were bang on the money with your first response back to my last message.

I don't think thats particularly high standards to have, it's important to make people feel welcome in your home and not like that can't relax. One of my exes house hygiene was so poor I stopped going too. I couldn't even use the toilet there.

Yes the first few times I gave advice that it's not really the standard I'd want to be around but then to make no effort and know full well I wont be able to use the toilet, or even drink out of a cup. I feel it should have been down to him to say I'm not changing this rather than keep implying he's trying to make an effort. In turn even when he visited me I was so put off it started affecting the relationship. I never had real doubt about his own personal hygiene. But one must question how clean you can be if you are showering in a bathroom that's already filthy!

I'm no clean queen, I haven't the time to keep my house spotless but I do have a line.

Yes of course it's fine. I do get concerned about what people may think of me at times. I mean my family known me well enough that they'd be surprised if I had a relationship past two years. But explaining to friends, colleagues, especially those married or in very LTR, I worry they think it's me that's the problem.

I don't think loneliness is a thing for me. Sometimes I feel more lonely with someone than without! Sure at times id feel it, over festive periods etc. I have a lot of interaction with people as part of my job and as much as I love it, people are tiring.

In relation to the legacy the thought has never crossed my mind that I would ever want or should have that attributed to a relationship.

If anything that would be my career and what I do to try and make a difference to peoples lives. That's my passion and what I'd love to be remembered by.

Mine was fairly standard I'd say. Not poor but not rich. A few siblings, normal state school. Parents were very unhappy and that was obvious for many years. They didn't split until I was in my 20s, both now in very long term relationships and are very happy, it's great to see. I wish they'd done it sooner! Maybe this has had an impact on me but I've also got aunts/uncles that have been long term single, long term relationships but not married and no children so I don't think I ever felt the pressure growing up for that to be normal. It's not until I've got older. Attending several weddings, babies everywhere etc.
I've never aspired to be married or have children. I've never had that 'fairytale dream'. I didn't even know what I wanted to do as a job until my late teens.
What about you Kiss?

@PPinkyParka so your only real concern is what others might think of you?

Please don't concern yourself with what others think. I have found , in my 60 years, that people will think what they like and if it's not about one thing its about another

You see (many) people need to justify their own life choices to themselves. So..... judging others helps them make that justification

I rather like the phrase 'what you think about me is none of my business'

I suppose you are honest with your lovers about your choices? (ie you tell them that youre not looking for a relationship for life?) You can do no more

💜

Beautifully put 💛

I’m the same to be honest. Once the honeymoon stage wore off, I got bored very quickly. In the end I have decided to stay single and just have very casual relationships where both parties know the score. I don’t want kids and I am not settling for a “oh great Silent Witness is on tonight” type relationship.

Whether straight or gay, I believe some women are born headstrong and naturally independent and don’t suffer fools gladly. It a real pair to put a stop to nonsense . Unfortunately they are not going to make the best long suffering homemakers and partners at times… unless they meet someone who actively gets off on this! 😂

I think there’s someone for everyone, whether that comes sooner or possibly much later.

My ideal is a long term relationship with a lot of autonomy and personal space for both partners. My list of requirements has become so long now. I think it might intimidate the hell out of someone if I voiced it from the get go. I don’t think any of them are precious or unreasonable though.

Very curious to compare our lists of requirements if anyone wants to join in… maybe we can inspire each other for the better.

Thank you, @Ladybug14, you are so lovely. Hug. 💐

I really don't think there is anything wrong with you, nor that this is necesarily an 'addiction'. It's only a problem if you think it is.

People will tell you it's a red flag, that you should settle, etc. but that is only because they're very wedded (hehe) to the idea of long-term, monogamous, exclusive relationships that should feature marriage and last until death do you part.

Some people have drunk so much of the kool aid that they cannot look past this and imagine that other ways of having relationships actually exist, and if they can, then they automatically see them as inferior or purely 'training wheels' in prep for 'the one' who you'll marry and stay with forever. I don't think that arbitrary model of relationships actually works all that well for a huge chunk of people. And it is arbitrary; you can define success in relationships however you want to, success doesn't have to mean 'lasted for ages'. I think many relationships probably last far too long.

If you don't want to get married nor have children, then you're free of these two huge timeline pressures that often cause people to rush into substandard relationships and stay long after they should have left. I think that is an excellent thing, what freedom to instead pay attention to how you actually feel instead of how some societal narrative about relationships is telling you to feel.