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Original poster

Is this my life forever?

54 replies

PinkyParka · 27/01/2023 18:09

NC for this.

Looking for some advice please fellow Mumsnetters!

I'm worried there is something seriously wrong with me. Is being addicted to new relationships a thing?

I can't seem to get past the two year mark in any of my previous relationships. Even when things have been perfectly fine, once that honeymoon feeling tails off I find myself feeling differently about the person I'm with.

I absolutely crave those feelings you get when you start a new relationship. No matter what I've tried I can't seem to get it back with the person I'm with.

I'm in my mid 30s and feel like this is the cycle of my life over and over forever more.

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
KissTheRainAgain · 29/01/2023 09:26

PinkyParka · 29/01/2023 09:02

Mine was fairly standard I'd say. Not poor but not rich. A few siblings, normal state school. Parents were very unhappy and that was obvious for many years. They didn't split until I was in my 20s, both now in very long term relationships and are very happy, it's great to see. I wish they'd done it sooner! Maybe this has had an impact on me but I've also got aunts/uncles that have been long term single, long term relationships but not married and no children so I don't think I ever felt the pressure growing up for that to be normal. It's not until I've got older. Attending several weddings, babies everywhere etc.
I've never aspired to be married or have children. I've never had that 'fairytale dream'. I didn't even know what I wanted to do as a job until my late teens.
What about you Kiss?

Show quote history

I’m glad for you, that doesn’t sound too horrifically traumatic, which would have caused more severe long lasting damage. Although I do understand living with two unhappy parents would be quite injuring.

As to me, I am a poster child for casual neglect, abuse, abandonment, and hardships. Small wonder I have attachment issues. I’ve come a tremendously long way to heal myself, but there is still some work to be done. I’m getting to the really good parts that start to pay serious dividends now. Or maybe age and experience brings with it its own little enlightenments / lightbulb moments.

KissTheRainAgain · 29/01/2023 09:32

That2 · 29/01/2023 09:10

I’m the same to be honest. Once the honeymoon stage wore off, I got bored very quickly. In the end I have decided to stay single and just have very casual relationships where both parties know the score. I don’t want kids and I am not settling for a “oh great Silent Witness is on tonight” type relationship.

Apart from the television watching… what other things trigger the boredom?

For me, it’s never been boredom that has caused me to end it, it was always some kind of major incompatibility or I was emotionally harmed or injured in some way.

KissTheRainAgain · 29/01/2023 09:34

FellPuck · 29/01/2023 09:20

I really don't think there is anything wrong with you, nor that this is necesarily an 'addiction'. It's only a problem if you think it is.

People will tell you it's a red flag, that you should settle, etc. but that is only because they're very wedded (hehe) to the idea of long-term, monogamous, exclusive relationships that should feature marriage and last until death do you part.

Some people have drunk so much of the kool aid that they cannot look past this and imagine that other ways of having relationships actually exist, and if they can, then they automatically see them as inferior or purely 'training wheels' in prep for 'the one' who you'll marry and stay with forever. I don't think that arbitrary model of relationships actually works all that well for a huge chunk of people. And it is arbitrary; you can define success in relationships however you want to, success doesn't have to mean 'lasted for ages'. I think many relationships probably last far too long.

If you don't want to get married nor have children, then you're free of these two huge timeline pressures that often cause people to rush into substandard relationships and stay long after they should have left. I think that is an excellent thing, what freedom to instead pay attention to how you actually feel instead of how some societal narrative about relationships is telling you to feel.

Cool post.

Very curious how you have faired freeing yourself from societal norms?

FellPuck · 29/01/2023 17:10

KissTheRainAgain · 29/01/2023 09:34

Cool post.

Very curious how you have faired freeing yourself from societal norms?

Show quote history

I can't quite tell if you're being sarcastic or not! But in case you do actually want an answer, i'd honestly say it's going well. I love my life and sloughing off restrictive norms and ideas that don't suit has only made it feel that much better.

I think that untangling the societal norms in your mind is an ongoing process, really, I haven't "achieved" it as such, but I think the fact that I already knew that I didn't want certain things from a young age (marriage, kids, etc.) and learnt through later experiences with relationships that I didn't even want other associated things (merging and living with a partner, etc.) it seems that for whatever reason my default view of the world is different, and so it's not a huge effort to push back against this particular set of norms because they've long felt like a bad fit for me anyway.

Don't get me wrong, these relationships norms no doubt work well for some, but I don't think that they necessarily work well for 'most', yet they are taken to be a universal and a default.

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