Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child making me feel rubbish

77 replies

Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 22:33

So our child has through Working hard at school,achieving brilliant ALevel results and a first in their degree has now got a fabulous post grad job earning £40.000 at the grand age of 22. Child is definitely enjoying job and not having any problems.
Started job in September and we have provided full support and we are both very proud of achievement and very happy for child .
Unfortunately child has become very difficult and there is an arrogant change.
Coming across as entitled and bordering on rude towards us !
We are loving ,caring and supportive but we are not getting much back TBH!
We provide meals for when child is home and bend over backwards to accommodate if child is late home .
Child does commute which makes it a long day so am happy to do washing etc .
I just need advice on how to approach the poor attitude…unfortunately my husband is bloody spineless when being assertive is needed! Have asked him to intervene but am still waiting for this to happen !
Child is fundamentally a lovely person but think new job has gone to their head !

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 26/01/2023 22:37

Child is actually an adult. Maybe start there?

breathcalmly · 26/01/2023 22:38

I guess the main point is that your child isn’t a child anymore. She’s done amazingly well but should be standing on her own two feet now. I had moved to London and renting my own flat, doing my own cooking and washing at that age even though I know my parents would have done this all for me as you sound as lovely as they are. Hopefully once the novelty of new job has worn off she will return to normal! But perhaps if not, she might want to move nearer the job and rent with friends or such like? Good luck

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 22:42

growinggreyer · 26/01/2023 22:37

Child is actually an adult. Maybe start there?

Isn't that kind of nitpicking? What's the difference compared to if they had said DC? Obviously both are for anonymity

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 22:47

Fwiw I wouldn't want to be cooking, washing and bending over backwards for someone who's rude, entitled and arrogant to me. Equally, your child may perceive something in your atittude to them or feel resentful and stifled.

I'm all for living at home to save money. But if relations aren't respectful on either or both sides, and if the adult child has the financial capability, it's neither a happy nor necessary living environment.

It really sounds like your child should move out. That way both parties can have a relationship on a more equal page.

CombatBarbie · 26/01/2023 22:49

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 22:42

Isn't that kind of nitpicking? What's the difference compared to if they had said DC? Obviously both are for anonymity

Show quote history

Presumably because the dd needs to be treated like an adult. Mum is still cooking, laundry etc but is being disrespected because the "child" now thinks she's better than the parent. Using child in this context gives an air of infantile dynamics which it's not.

A direct conversation is needed, play the game or move out.

GriddleScone · 26/01/2023 22:50

Similar situation in my house OP. I also get the pointed questions about why we (the parents) were not such high achievers. Oh, and we are responsible for any hangups, metal health issues and imperfections in their lives. Can't wait until they have kids of their own.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/01/2023 22:53

"Child, we are so proud of you. I guess you'll be wanting to find your own place soon, which is fantastic - all that freedom, you don't need us anymore. So the good news is we've let your bedroom to a Ukrainian family who've boxed up all your stuff for you! Just let us know where to send the Uber to. And your Uber account number. Love you."

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 22:54

CombatBarbie · 26/01/2023 22:49

Presumably because the dd needs to be treated like an adult. Mum is still cooking, laundry etc but is being disrespected because the "child" now thinks she's better than the parent. Using child in this context gives an air of infantile dynamics which it's not.

A direct conversation is needed, play the game or move out.

Show quote history

Yes, agreed, but not sure what she could've said - "my adult child"?

Anyway, you're right – she could ask to be spoken to in a nicer tone if she's to continue doing chores etc for the Adult Child. But that will increase Adult Child's resentment I feel. Maybe just leave Adult Child to do their own chores, cooking, etc, but I've been in really long commute arrangements like OP states and it's very impractical. Could let Adult Child try though, until they get fed up and decide to move out. I feel relations between parents and adult children often improve after moving out.

watcherintherye · 26/01/2023 22:56

I think your dc is taking you for granted and has probably outgrown living at home. If they are commuting, it would make more sense for them to use some of their not inconsiderable salary to rent a property nearer to work. Their attitude won’t change until they have to take responsibility for their own cooking/washing etc.

Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 22:57

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 22:42

Isn't that kind of nitpicking? What's the difference compared to if they had said DC? Obviously both are for anonymity

Show quote history

Thank you for pointing out the obvious! Why are people so bloody hellbent on being antagonistic ?

OP posts:
Clymene · 26/01/2023 23:00

Kick him out.

ricepuddin · 26/01/2023 23:02

Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 22:57

Thank you for pointing out the obvious! Why are people so bloody hellbent on being antagonistic ?

Show quote history

I also wonder why 😂 henceforth you will have to say "my adult offspring"

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/01/2023 23:06

I would stop all the bending over backwards, and pull them up on any rudeness. If that didn't help, it might be time for them to move out.

But I would also recognise that this bumptiousness is part of a phase in their life where they have stepped into their first real job and are earning real money at an age where they don't have the experience or maturity to truly feel secure in that role. I would guess they have to fake it to a certain extent, and maybe the behaviour you are seeing may be part of that?

AzureOrchid · 26/01/2023 23:09

You sound As if you are doing too much

Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 23:09

watcherintherye · 26/01/2023 22:56

I think your dc is taking you for granted and has probably outgrown living at home. If they are commuting, it would make more sense for them to use some of their not inconsiderable salary to rent a property nearer to work. Their attitude won’t change until they have to take responsibility for their own cooking/washing etc.

Thank you I think this is the problem…definitely outgrown living at home and has tried finding accommodation in London but virtually impossible!
Going to Canada in October with same company but just want Childs remaining time here as drama free as possible.
As a family we all get on well inc child’s siblings ,but as the siblings said child needs to appreciate the support that has been given to achieve…child is usually a lovely person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 23:12

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/01/2023 23:06

I would stop all the bending over backwards, and pull them up on any rudeness. If that didn't help, it might be time for them to move out.

But I would also recognise that this bumptiousness is part of a phase in their life where they have stepped into their first real job and are earning real money at an age where they don't have the experience or maturity to truly feel secure in that role. I would guess they have to fake it to a certain extent, and maybe the behaviour you are seeing may be part of that?

Thank you ..definitely think we maybe try too hard . Have asked husband to step up with being assertive 🙄🤔

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 26/01/2023 23:14

Child needs to move out and rent. He's earning £40k after all.

You're all get on better.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/01/2023 23:23

Probably tired and stressed when they get home which, of course, doesn't excuse rudeness but may explain change of mood. Maybe wait until the weekend when they are a bit more chilled and call them on the attitude and rudeness. It may be nothing to do with their fancy job but more to do with adjusting being back home after those exciting college years and all that freedom. Its an adjustment all round.
Sometimes just calling them on it is enough without making too big a fuss.

new2mn · 26/01/2023 23:26

I can appreciate it's impossible for others on less (like minimum wage), but it's most definitely not impossible on a 40k salary. For many reasons, London rents are falling across the board this month/year, and number of available lets spiking.

Your child will have to make compromises though. For example to stay in Central London near my workplace, like many of my colleagues, I rent in a tiny council flat but I love it, apart from very occasional night time disturbances, it's generally clean and safe and cosy! We work in a very prestigious white collar job for context, but are not above renting any sort of place. It's about 1k per month in the heart of Central London, in possibly the most expensive district – and not everyone will have to or want to stay so centrally.

Don't mean to sound like a boomer going "suck it up buttercup" but it sounds like they want independence - whether they think they're "above" living with you or are secretly ashamed/resentful.

You could stop the chores, or do it upon condition of being treated respectfully, but honestly I'm scratching my head at why they're (in their view) "slumming it" with mummy and daddy on a salary that could easily afford London rents.

new2mn · 26/01/2023 23:29

Just for added context. He/she doesn't have to stay in a council flat or anything. That salary will easily get a nice, spacious (for London), and well taken care of flat in any nice London neighbourhood eg NW, SW, with plenty left over to spare. Do need to put effort into looking though, and find flatmate(s). Studio is also very possible on that salary but it's probably wiser to save.

Cas112 · 26/01/2023 23:31

growinggreyer · 26/01/2023 22:37

Child is actually an adult. Maybe start there?

How else is OP meant to describe them? By saying 'my adult' doesn't make any sense, stop nit picking

catandcoffee · 26/01/2023 23:32

Maybe child needs to learn a few life skills for the move to a new country.

Doing own washing

Cooking for oneself.

Food shopping for oneself.

Or is child going to hire help in new country ?

Child could be in for a massive shock when mummy and daddy aren't around to do it all.

Patineur · 26/01/2023 23:38

I hope child is paying the full going rate for board and lodging, plus cleaning and laundry services?

BitchyBababra · 26/01/2023 23:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spudina · 26/01/2023 23:42

Why the heck are you doing laundry for a 22 year old?? They are using your house like a hotel (which I think is what happens when you live independently at university and then go home to Mum and Dad.)
Encourage some independence. And encourage them to move out. They have outgrown the family home.