Child making me feel rubbish

[Cannottryasp00]

So our child has through Working hard at school,achieving brilliant ALevel results and a first in their degree has now got a fabulous post grad job earning £40.000 at the grand age of 22. Child is definitely enjoying job and not having any problems.
Started job in September and we have provided full support and we are both very proud of achievement and very happy for child .
Unfortunately child has become very difficult and there is an arrogant change.
Coming across as entitled and bordering on rude towards us !
We are loving ,caring and supportive but we are not getting much back TBH!
We provide meals for when child is home and bend over backwards to accommodate if child is late home .
Child does commute which makes it a long day so am happy to do washing etc .
I just need advice on how to approach the poor attitude…unfortunately my husband is bloody spineless when being assertive is needed! Have asked him to intervene but am still waiting for this to happen !
Child is fundamentally a lovely person but think new job has gone to their head !

Sounds like there's a bit of showing off from them.

Millions of people commute and still cook etc when they get home!

Tell him/her that now they are an adult and working they can do their own chores.

You sound very loving and I'm sure it feels odd to think of not looking after your high achieving and lovely hardworking child. I think you're the easy target when work is stressful (because being at the bottom of a very good organisation, even on 40k a year, means you get the rubbish work and no respect), plus commuting is killing, plus it's no fun not being able to hang out in central London feeling like a grown-up. I would make a joke of it and put a star chart on the fridge. Every snarky remark gets a star on the chart. Every three stars is a load of laundry you won't do for him, or a meal where the ingredients are left out but you aren't cooking (if you really aren't okay with leaving him to fend for himself). You need him to realise he's behaving badly and the pattern of his behaviour and the best way to do that is to approach it with humour - but DO NOT BACK DOWN. As with toddlers, if you take this approach you have to stick to it! Hopefully you'll feel more empowered by it and there's plenty of time for him to course-correct before he leaves home, but you don't have to have confrontations that neither you nor your DH want.

Doing a fully grown adults washing is crazy.

Is the child by any chance in banking or even worse, a consulting role? Both breed arrogance.

Pay is high but many burn out. Living closer to work would help with that. Is there any chance they are arrogant because they are stressed/exhausted?

Just sit them down and spell it out. They are an adult. They need to be respectful. They can do their own washing/cleaning at weekends (like the rest of the adult world).

At that age, I rented in London and ran my whole life as an adult complete with washing, cleaning, dealing with bills and life admin.

I think you need to have a sit down chat. Headed with how proud you are of them and asking how they are finding everything. It may be they are a bit overwhelmed! After you’ve listened then it’s turn to say again how happy you are for them but you are sometimes hurt/upset/whatever about some of their behaviours, then make some suggestions for how to change things moving forward

I think if he is otherwise lovely, you should sit him down and say how do you think it feels for us having to live with you when you talk to us like that? Would you behave like that and speak like that to anyone else? Would you speak to your boss like that? Did you used to speak to your friends like that?

Then say nothing and just wait for him to apologise.

I'm aware this thread is a few days old and presumably you'll have had a chat with them by now.

Not making excuses for your child's behaviour, however they have achieved career success and a great wage at only 22 which (depending on the person of course) can be quite an immature age so they've let it go to their head a little and will soon calm down when real life hits them.

Have a good long chat with them and pull back a bit on things like doing their laundry, etc, good luck.

Sorry I haven’t been back . Thank you for all replies. Think I was despairing when I posted!
Good chat and air cleared so all is good .X

Hmmm being blamed for mental health issues means they have mental health issues. Are you being blamed or are they trying to talk to you about their childhood and how it affected them?

I'd be careful what you wish for on the kids front because having children only made me MORE acutely aware of how a lot of 80s parenting I experienced was extremely harmful and solidified the fact that I won't have any further contact with my surviving parent.

The tone of your comment suggests some self reflection might help everyone a bit but also I'd be surprised if you feel anything but self righteous and defensive about it.

Child Vs adult.

Children need to be taught some of those adult skills most of us take for granted.

Tell the well paid adult person it's time to get a place of their own, but meanwhile you expect adult courtesy and adult domestic co-operation.

Stop being such a pushover.

When adult children live with parent/s, I think it helps if both sides view it as a lodger situation (even if no rent is paid). Parent/s should try to treat AC as they would a lodger, i.e. not patronise or ‘tick them off’, ask what time they’ll be in or remind them how grateful they should be, nor do any chores for them, other than perhaps a meal. Adult child should speak to the parent/s as a lodger would, i.e. have respect for you and your home and do their own chores. The problem is when it descends into the parents still treating the AC like a child and/or the AC behaving like one.

Child can do own laundry and cook own meals.

Let them know how that their attitude isn’t pleasant.
Remind them how loved they are, but you are finding it hard with them behaving in this manner, especially if you have other dc witnessing this.

Are they living at home? Absolutely no need for them to be living at home on 40k. Give them a deadline to leave. They’ll hopefully grownup eventually.

Ask them why they are treating you badly. Stop enabling the behaviour. If it continues stop doing everything for them.

Ah I was like that once upon a time. Got a rude awakening when I did move out though and had to stand on my own two feet!

Stop treating child like a child and start treating adult daughter like an adult daughter 😁

Is it Bridget Jones talking? 'Have asked husband etc etc"

What?

Off they fucking pop to live their own life.
Some people do not respect things they get for free.

Is she paying you rent - I sincerely hope so. If not get her to start paying. I had to give my father half my wage!!!
Has she been on spare room - house share -
Stop pandering to them.
She can Do her own washing now.
Just stop doing it.
She may be finding it too comfortable at home.

Why on earth are they still living with you?

Direct conversation needed. If earning that type of money the chances are they will be exposed to a difficult conversation or two in work so they should be prepared ;)

In this case it's appropriate because OP is treating this entitled, arrogant adult exactly like a child by not making them responsible for anything!

This..... A reality check is needed. Being independent of your parents is a good way to learn what being an adult is all about. Help to fledge and see how the attitude changes.

TWENTY TWO?? Jesus Christ at that age I was self-aware enough to be embarrassed if I treated my parents like your son is treating you. Sounds like big fish small pond to me; short term lets are available. Off they pop.