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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child making me feel rubbish

77 replies

Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 22:33

So our child has through Working hard at school,achieving brilliant ALevel results and a first in their degree has now got a fabulous post grad job earning £40.000 at the grand age of 22. Child is definitely enjoying job and not having any problems.
Started job in September and we have provided full support and we are both very proud of achievement and very happy for child .
Unfortunately child has become very difficult and there is an arrogant change.
Coming across as entitled and bordering on rude towards us !
We are loving ,caring and supportive but we are not getting much back TBH!
We provide meals for when child is home and bend over backwards to accommodate if child is late home .
Child does commute which makes it a long day so am happy to do washing etc .
I just need advice on how to approach the poor attitude…unfortunately my husband is bloody spineless when being assertive is needed! Have asked him to intervene but am still waiting for this to happen !
Child is fundamentally a lovely person but think new job has gone to their head !

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 26/01/2023 23:42

Channel your inner Nessa. "Oy, DC, stop being such a twat"

Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 23:42

Patineur · 26/01/2023 23:38

I hope child is paying the full going rate for board and lodging, plus cleaning and laundry services?

Paying enough for us to ensure he appreciates the COL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 23:45

junebirthdaygirl · 26/01/2023 23:23

Probably tired and stressed when they get home which, of course, doesn't excuse rudeness but may explain change of mood. Maybe wait until the weekend when they are a bit more chilled and call them on the attitude and rudeness. It may be nothing to do with their fancy job but more to do with adjusting being back home after those exciting college years and all that freedom. Its an adjustment all round.
Sometimes just calling them on it is enough without making too big a fuss.

Thank you …hunk that will be the plan over weekend.

OP posts:
new2mn · 26/01/2023 23:45

By "that salary" I don't mean the full salary. I've stayed in very spacious beautiful flats all over London, in beautiful neighbourhoods. Usually around (a bit under or a bit over) 1k pp/month. With flatmates.

Even the cost of many solo studios (studio = luxury) in the City or Chelsea (2 of the most expensive areas) won't go above 2k.

When people talk about only shitty tips and tiny dumps being available in London, they usually mean at a much lower price point. There are some CF landlords wanting a high amount for a shit tip, but it's quite rare and you can filter it yourself.

I think your child is being deceptive. I appreciate though that they may not want to spend a chunk on their salary on rent. That's why increasingly young highly qualified people are leaving London. But that's a (wise) choice, not down to it being "impossible".

new2mn · 26/01/2023 23:47

If he's going to Canada soon, a short term let will be more expensive, but there will be many within their price range. Sorry I just think they're having you on

Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 26/01/2023 23:49

Clymene · 26/01/2023 23:00

Kick him out.

Definitely not . DC is far too lovely to be treated like that …am looking for helpful advice . DC is only pissing me off short term ..kicking out would be for massively serious behaviour !

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 26/01/2023 23:51

Can you give us examples of how he is rude to you? Also what exactly do you mean by you bend over backwards to accommodate if he is late home?

Quiltedandwilted88 · 26/01/2023 23:59

GriddleScone · 26/01/2023 22:50

Similar situation in my house OP. I also get the pointed questions about why we (the parents) were not such high achievers. Oh, and we are responsible for any hangups, metal health issues and imperfections in their lives. Can't wait until they have kids of their own.

I hear you Griddlescone ! And I hear you too op! Many of them go through this arrogant phase when they think they know it all. It's the arrogance of youth which I suppose must have served some sort of useful purpose back when we needed to defend our tribal communities. It's partly bluff and they don't act half so cocky in front of their friends.

The answer here is to step back, stop doing laundry or cooking. You are three adults living together now house sharing. Stop making their life so comfortable. And focus on your own life. Don't be so involved with, or interested in, their comings and goings and certainly don't house-keep for them and don't always be available if they need help with something until their attitude improves.

My DH can't handle confrontation either and over-indulges our adult DC so I know how maddening this is when you need them to be by your side. He needs to step up op!

Original poster
Cannottryasp00 · 27/01/2023 00:05

Quiltedandwilted88 · 26/01/2023 23:59

I hear you Griddlescone ! And I hear you too op! Many of them go through this arrogant phase when they think they know it all. It's the arrogance of youth which I suppose must have served some sort of useful purpose back when we needed to defend our tribal communities. It's partly bluff and they don't act half so cocky in front of their friends.

The answer here is to step back, stop doing laundry or cooking. You are three adults living together now house sharing. Stop making their life so comfortable. And focus on your own life. Don't be so involved with, or interested in, their comings and goings and certainly don't house-keep for them and don't always be available if they need help with something until their attitude improves.

My DH can't handle confrontation either and over-indulges our adult DC so I know how maddening this is when you need them to be by your side. He needs to step up op!

Show quote history

Yep thank you …agree. Need to pull up big girls pants as from tomorrow.X

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 27/01/2023 00:08

Your DC wants space and independence but it sounds like you aren't reading the signs. It's difficult to be appreciative of something you don't want. He's just biding his time until he leaves for Canada which is fair enough. Stop the cooking, laundry etc, it's too much.

justasking111 · 27/01/2023 00:18

After the excitement of the job wears off he may be lonely. University there's always someone around. Coming home they can be quite lost. Canada sounds great.

In the meantime he should be doing his own washing and ironing a bit of cooking to give you a break. My son makes amazing mexican food which I really enjoy. Does he have any old friends from school days to catch up with?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 00:20

stop doing his laundry. Stop leaving meals for when he’s home. He’s an adult now and it sounds like it’s in the phase where he needs to take more responsibility.

Is paying rent/contributing to chores etc.

manova366 · 27/01/2023 00:22

Fantastic that you've supported your child to be very successful domestically, but why are you "bending over backwards" for an adult? You need to stop washing and cooking (other than when they're home at mealtimes) for them. My 18 and 20 year old who both study and work part time have been doing their own laundry since they were 16, they kick in with household chores and cleaning, and if they're on an unpredictable schedule they know they need to sort out their own meals.
IMO when young adults live with us, part of our job is teaching them how to be considerate housemates/spouses/partners who can fend for themselves and pull their weight domestically.

manova366 · 27/01/2023 00:24

domestically professionally!!

Ghostbuster2639 · 27/01/2023 01:26

It’s nice you are supportive. However you should not be skivvying and doing his laundry. Unfortunately if you act like a skivvy he will treat you like one.

There is no need to bend over backwards if he’s late. He can reheat something or sort himself out.

Stop treating him like he’s all that and the problem will improve.

EconomyClassRockstar · 27/01/2023 01:33

They're not a child so you need to stop treating them as such. If they want clean clothes, they wash them themselves. If they want to eat, they cook it/buy it themselves. And, sorry, but at 22, it's time to gently push them out of the nest, especially if they're earning decent money. For both of your sakes.

EconomyClassRockstar · 27/01/2023 01:35

For reference, I had my kids doing their own laundry and helping with the family meals by 14/15. I will do my adult kids' laundry when they come home from uni but just because it's a nice way of loving them. In the summer when they're home for 3 months, I don't do any of it!

LittleLantern123 · 27/01/2023 06:18

Stop with the laundry and cooking.
Most adults, no matter how long their day has been have to feed themselves and ensure their clothes/environment is clean.
They are 22 and on £40K a year, I would also start discussing plans to move out. They probably feel stifled at home at that age and that is coming across in their attitude towards you.

CiderJolly · 27/01/2023 06:25

How have you dealt with it so far?

Cocochat · 27/01/2023 06:25

You’ll get through it.
My ds went through a phase of saying ‘and your point is?’
How I didn’t kill him some days is a miracle.

Hes 37 now with a dc of his own and I laugh when he tells me what’s my dgc has done (or not done.)

LoekMa · 27/01/2023 06:27

GriddleScone · 26/01/2023 22:50

Similar situation in my house OP. I also get the pointed questions about why we (the parents) were not such high achievers. Oh, and we are responsible for any hangups, metal health issues and imperfections in their lives. Can't wait until they have kids of their own.

Can't wait until they have kids of their own.

Sounds like a healthy dynamic.

You started pressuring them yet? So you can see them finally get their comeuppance?

Why even have kids 😂

YRGAM · 27/01/2023 07:52

Maybe ask their siblings to have a quiet word? My sisters always keep me in check if I've been an arrogant Berk

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 27/01/2023 08:38

@Cannottryasp00
As you earn £40k I think it would be a good idea to move out and stand on your own 2 feet and have some independence!!!!!!

And I certainly wouldn't be cooking, cleaning and washing there would be a rota

They need a reality check

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/01/2023 12:07

What's their plan once living in Canada? Have they ever lived alone, managed bills, done their own cooking, washing, ironing? I might, if I was being kind, ask them how they intend to maintain their life. Show them how to use the washing machine, if you've always done their washing and tell them it's up to them from now on. Same with ironing. Then create a meal rota where they have to buy the food and cook it. That's the easy part, in a way. If he speaks to you with an attitude, stop what you are doing and really look at him. If that doesn't work, add a "Excuse me" comment. Maybe "In this house everyone has different skills and talents. They are all welcome. " I have a rather entitled son who thought he was better than the rest of us. He grew out of it eventually.

Motnight · 27/01/2023 12:15

Finding accommodation in London is difficult but not impossible, Op. My dd, who earns far less than your child, is in a flatshare.

I would ask your child to leave, give them notice and explain why. It could be exactly what they need to become a reasonable person.