Is adultery always wrong? Are there circumstances in which it can be justified, or at least excused?

[MrsPhilipGlenister]

Just wondered what people think, really. I suppose I've always been slightly surprised by the strength of feeling on mumsnet about it. It seems to me that - perhaps - there are circumstances in which it is at least understandable eg if someone's been in a very oppressive relationship for years, and they need a bit of a kickstart to get their mojo back and get out.

What do people think? Always to be stoned and condemned? Sometimes justifiable?

sometimes understandable. there are v. sexually frustrated and neglected people out there whose husbands and wives can't/won't fulfil them, but who love them too much to leave outright.

For me it is always the wrong option, although I can understand how it can happen given the right set of factors.
But I said, it is always an option, (I don't believe in inevitability in adultery) and IMO it always ends up being the wrong one, sooner or later.

For me it is ALWAYS wrong I'm afraid - the marriage vows are pretty clear and are as far as I'm concerned a contract. If you want to have an affair split up first and move on - don't have an affair while you're married to ME !! Or I will gturn into Mrs Bobbit and lob your bits off !

never justified, never excused but sometimes understandable, yes. Still the wrong thing to do though. But people don't always follow the logically right and proper path, and it's much easier to even SEE that path from outside than from inside.

It is very easy to condemn someone. No so easy to try to understand a problem.

I think if you're going to shag around you should leave the relationship. I don't think it's wrong to do it per se, but it does mean you are in the wrong relationship.

Agree that it is wrong but understandable in certain circumstances.

Often understandable, although doesn't make it right. But none of us are 'right' all the time, are we?

Agree with mrsm - nobody is perfick

Never justifiable.

If you have a problem sort it, if you can't separate.

But why lie?

I have no sex life, dh is too ill, but that doesn't give me the 'right' to shag around. I made a vow that I would stay married to him, for better for worse in sickness and in health. If you don't intend to mean the words, why say them.

and if you are that frustrated, you can always sort it out for yourself

interesting post - cos i have sometimes read the adultery threads and wondered at the fact that so many people clearly do have affairs, its hardly unusual, and yet (also understandably) the mumsnet reaction tends to be so strong, all 'other women' are necessarily bitches from hell etc, without any appreciation of the fact that clearly these things are never black and white. or rarely black and white. i'm not saying adultery is right or nice or fair, but its a fact of life, and you can't just make a blanket statement that anyone who does it is beneath contempt.

I agree LadySanders - the MN reaction is often very strange as if people have only just heard of this thing called adultery and can't imagine how anyone could do such a thing.

I agree with hecate.

It is easy in some situations to understand why and how it has happened, but that doesn't make it right.

It should never happen, I spent 6 years in a violent abusive relationship with a drug addict/alcoholic but I would never have strayed, even though I had guys I could have easily had affairs with.

It just isn't right. If you don't want to be with someone then end it, if you do, then why are you havign these feelings in the first place? Deal with them and sort your relationship out, or leave.

I can sometimes understand why it happens.

But I think yes, it is always to be condemned.

It is a conscious decision to have an affair, and the minute you realise that is what you want to do, you should leave your current relationship. No if or buts.

The heartache and devastation that is caused by affairs cannot be underestimated.

If the person you want to have the affair with actually turns out to be someone you go on to have an long lasting/fulfilling relationship with, then they won't mind waiting until you end your current one before they get you into bed!

i guess inevitably its such an emotive subject, and so many people have either been the cheater or the cheated on and its hard not to make immediate judgements based on your own personal situations. i'm sure there are some horrible serial adulterers out there, but i suspect 90% of people who have affairs are as nice and normal as the people who don't.

By adultery do you mean having sex with someone else without your partner's awareness or through dishonesty only?

If so I would say it's wrong, even if it may be justifiable and understandable in certain circumstances.

If a couple is in a situation where one or the other won't or can't please the other sexually and has given their blessing for them to find releif elsewhere then that's not wrong, but I guess that wouldn't be classed as adultery?

I dont think it ever 'just happens' tbh, there has to be a point where it can stop ebfore it goes too far.

It's selfish and shows lack of self-control.
Sure, you could be spending more and more time with a person, become closer, and then one day, you realise that you're physically very close and you were thinking of kissing them.

That's it.
Stop.
Now.

And as soona syou reach that point you need to make a decision, either stay the hell away from that person and deal with your relationship, or end your relationship.

Tearing each others clothes off and jumping into bed becomes seedy and distasteful when either person isn't single IMO, lust is only fun when no-one is going to get hurt.

Do people think undiscovered adultery damages marriages?

I don't think the general MN reaction is strange at all. (Feel strongly about this! ) People post on here when they have just found out possibly one of the most devastating things they will ever have to face in their whole lives!!!

They want support. To them it does feel like they are the first person to ever go through it. Your whole world has collapsed. The life you planned has been torn away from you through lies and deceit. You can't understand the pain unless you've been through it.

I was that person just 12 months ago!

And at that moment, you do not want to hear that your relationship must have had issues, it isn't all black and white, and the OW isn't the devil from hell.

You just want support and most of all, to know that the people on here aren't condoning what has been done to you in any way.

You work the rest out in time for yourself.

But as adults they should try to resolve the issue, not break their word.

And if you don't want to stay faithfull, why get married? Stay single and shag to your hearts content.

But if you promise something in front of friends and family surly it should mean something

Can understand that it does happen - but always wrong imo.

It is not the sex as such but all the lies that follow.

To justify it to oneself and not to your partner is surely not giving your partner the respect they deserve (however awful they are every human should at least have the facts if they are to make choices on them).

For society to justify it because 'it happens' so lets just accecpt it, is i believe wrong. After all teenage binge drinking (to be topical) happens but should we just accept that and turn a blind eye or should we try to understand and find a solution?

I know it happens and i can understand it can be very easy but it can be controlled.

I agree wholeheartedly MB, I also think that if your relationship means anything to you then something as meaningless as casual sex should never be a possibilty in your mind.

Baffy you misunderstand me. I understand how angry and distressed people are when they discover that they've been cheated on. What I don't understand is when people speak as if the temptation to adultery is inexplicable.