Is adultery always wrong? Are there circumstances in which it can be justified, or at least excused?

[MrsPhilipGlenister]

Just wondered what people think, really. I suppose I've always been slightly surprised by the strength of feeling on mumsnet about it. It seems to me that - perhaps - there are circumstances in which it is at least understandable eg if someone's been in a very oppressive relationship for years, and they need a bit of a kickstart to get their mojo back and get out.

What do people think? Always to be stoned and condemned? Sometimes justifiable?

baffy,

I don't think you should leave a relationship the moment you realise you WANT to have an affair with someone. That realisation can be a wake-up call that you have been neglecting your partner/been feeling neglected/allowed yourself to get distracted by a pretty stranger or whatever has been going on.

If you can take that realisation and instead of following through on your desires go back and start working on your relationship then things are definitely recoverable.

I think you only need to leave if you actually plan to follow through on your new desires. Then you should get out of your current relationship before you go any further.

Totally with you there baffy - i dont think the ractions are so strange - i think it is strange that we are not taught respect at a much earlier age. I think i was fairly grown up and knew what i wanted and how i would handle myself once i was married, i think too many people have not learnt about them selves before taking their vows. And before you say i cannot judge until i have been there - well i have i have got very close before but i backed off as i respected myself and my marriage more (still fantasise about it thought.)

Also is undiscovered adultry wrong? - well it depends on what the partners views are. If fedility is important then it is wrong.

I think hiding anything from your partner which may have a bearing on choices they make is wrong.

Of course the tempation arises - as it does with so many things that we accept as 'wrong'

I have on many occations been tempted to really really hit my children - but i have not done so.

Temptation is always there but it is how we handle ourselves that matters.

The ow is often hated because someone has acted as we would not have done, how can we respect someone with morals lower than ours?

I think as well too many people do not fully understand the fallout from their actions.

We are too often told today to 'just go for it' without thought to others. Lifes too short to not be happy, live for the moment......

I think we all know what the right choice would be but we need to justify it to ourselves in someway. And men well we all know that they are incapable of thinking with their heads when their nobs are getting some attention.

No that is not man bashing it is just for fun before you all beat me up for it.

I think the rage against the other woman is often because it feels safer than being angry with the husband. After all, many women stay with their husbands after discovery of an affair. It's easier to call the other woman lacking in morals than the man you've decided to stay with.

True Fio.

Something I also hate is the 'I couldnt not tell her/him, I love them and had to be honest' rubbish that adulterers spout about if they have decided to go home and fess up, the only person they are helping is themselves, by easing their guilt.

If someone has a one-night-stand and really truly honestly regrets it and will never do it again, nor will their partner ever likely find out, I dont think they should tell their partner. It should be a mistake that they learn from and they shouldnt hurt their partner to ease their mind.

We do all make mistakes - and i dont think it is just that wives deside to stay with their husbands - imo most husbands beg to come back and are truely sorry for the mistake they made.

I also think that staying after an affair is not the easy option at all - it is the start of a new phase in the relationship.

I also do not believe that affairs only happen in unhappy relationships i think they happen and it is only then that to justify their actions the faults of the marriage appear.

I don't believe in "just happen". I think people choose to have affairs. And the "just happened" is what they say when they're found out.

I don't think it's justifiable in many cases. Possibly some. Not in my ex partner's.

The affair, fine, but the lying, no bloody way.

it's not always a stoning issue, but it is always wrong. and probably a lot to do with either self esteem or cowardliness (in not leaving them) too.

agree nkf

It's curious, isn't it. Approximately 20% of men and 15% of women will be unfaithful at least once during their married lives, yet if you were to do a survey asking whether infidelity was acceptable, I suspect the numbers would be much much lower.

I think that often cestlavie, those people who are unfaithful, know what they are doing is wrong, and use excuses to justify it to themselves, which is why the figures wouldn't tally.

Very interesting debate. That is a fascinating statistic, cestlavie.

People don't think it's right. Or very few people think it's right. But people still do it.

It's obviously less than ideal. But people have less than ideal lives.

A friend of mine is going through the whole thing right now and so this is quite close to home. (She was the adulteress.)

I'm interested by the recurring theme - often seen on here - that it's the lying/deception rather than the affair itself which people object to more. Surely that raises some tricky questions?

Well, I agree, UQD. There can't be many of us who have - or would want - relationships that are open enough to permit adultery with the other partner's consent, are there?

Quite, Mrs PG - that's what I always wonder when people say this about the deception.

Is it really different elsewhere in Europe do you think? Aren't the French traditionally regarded as pretty tolerant of adultery?

Although I suppose you could look at it the other way and say the deception is at least half the fun.

I think that's the cliche about the French which may be true up to a point... where do all these mistresses come from?

But it's not just about lying and deception.

I mean, you're sharing intimacies that you share with your spouse with another person when you have sex with that other person - and possibly disease, fertilisation of eggs, etc.

Morally, it's a grey area, and I don't just say that as someone who did have an affair with a married man when I was 19 and he was 43 (and one of my lecturers, but that's another story).

There are some people out there I've known personally whose relationship is sexless, and not by their choice.

So what is that? Excusable or justified? Or merely understandable?

Depends whom you ask.

I don't buy that 'it just happened' for a second, either.

Taht's a crock!

Those are really good points, expat. The disease thing is horrible to think about.