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Original poster

Cocklodger or am I awful?

70 replies

siltinthewater · 23/01/2023 20:41

Reflecting here following a post that I read last night.
My ex partner and I met when he had his own rental and job. He moved for a different job but stayed with family as there was nowhere to rent. He is early 50's and divorced. One child for who he pays £70 per week maintenance. He earns £55k.

The rental market remained tight so he stayed with his family. They refused to take
Rent from him so he contributed to food and gifts.
He didn't make much of an effort trying to find somewhere. He was happy with his home comforts.
So he came to mine every weekend.
He paid for the off take away or lunch. Didn't contribute to any housework over the weekend , just looked after his own belongings and washes his cup in the sink.
Rarely brought anything to the house eg biscuits or beer for anyone but himself.

I rented a holiday home in the north over summer where he joined me. Rent was £ 500 for the week. He gave me £100 as a contribution. I bought all the food and drinks.
He went out for f work on stress leave and started to spend more time at mine. I felt for him. He was low and his brother, wife and kids had moved into his folks home while they waited to their new home.
This meant noise and an expectation to help with kids and domestic work.

So he started to ask if he could stay longer at mine.
I didn't want that as I have kids and work full time so mon-Fri is crazy and they are not used to anyone else in their home and he is not very patient with kids.
Our relationship was our own thing at weekends when the kids were at their dads.
At one stage, he stayed for a week and I had enough, he stayed in bed for most of the day and again I arrived home daily to the dressing gown of doom.
He left at the end of that week after we all tiptoed around waking him so that was it for me.
When I broke up with him we chatted and I suggested that he get his own place and bring something to the table for the next woman. He was highly offended and said that at least his parents offered him somewhere to live ... alluding to the fact that I didn't.
I couldn't understand why on earth he would expect me to house him after two years together and told him so.
He was flabbergasted but so was I !
Part of me feels mean for getting rid when he was at his most vulnerable, the other part of me wonders if he was indeed edging towards a permanent move in.
He actually left some
Clothes and toiletries at mine towards the end, ' just so he wouldn't have to be bringing them in the future..'
Was I unreasonable.
PS I'm absolutely anti blending

OP posts:
BamBamBilla · 23/01/2023 20:44

You dodged a bullet there.

Paq · 23/01/2023 20:46

Well done! You did the right thing.

Thepossibility · 23/01/2023 20:47

Definitely a cocklodger. Well done getting rid.

Justcallmebebes · 23/01/2023 20:48

No, you weren't unreasonable, you were extremely sensible. Nothing worse than a middle aged free loader

MyBadName · 23/01/2023 20:49

Lazy cocklodger!

MissMogwai · 23/01/2023 20:50

You definitely did the right thing.

Imagine if he had moved in and he was there doing your head right now. Ugh.

WelliesandWine88 · 23/01/2023 20:50

Lucky escape...in his 50s and expecting everyone around him to provide for him...and oblivious to why they shouldn't?

Also paying pittance in maintenance? Red flags everywhere

Warspite · 23/01/2023 20:51

Red flags all over it.
Don’t give him another thought.
You've done well to get out, had the courage of your convictions.
Brave & strong. Well done.

AntiHop · 23/01/2023 20:52

High level cocklogder and man child

larchforest · 23/01/2023 20:52

His parents offered him somewhere to live because... well... they are his parents!! That's what parents do when one of their adult dc has nowhere to go.

His big mistake was assuming that you should also offer him a roof over his head free of charge.

You're well rid.

Grandmasword · 23/01/2023 20:55

I feel for you and you dodged a bullet.

I had a man like that, and once I saw sense and asked him to contribute, he went mad, all sort of reasons why he could not and all sort of excuses. And I felt so rotten for telling him to go and we were over.

I swear these sort of men know a script where they seek women out who will fall for the script, take this sort of men on, then when we see sense we are the worst kind of humans.

Stick to your guns, he will be back, and you will be tempted to take him back due to whatever script he throws at you, whatever works for him and not you, so be open to the manipulation. He is not going to find his own place, he is not going to magically change. And if you stick to your guns these men replace you incredibly fast.

Apologies for the pessimistic view on this.

Zanatdy · 23/01/2023 20:55

What a knob. After 2yrs it is normal to consider moving in together but this generally means both parties bringing something to the table. The time he spent at yours sitting in his dressing gown all day doing fuck all to contribute to your home gave you a warning in what life living with him would be like. Well done for getting rid.

5thWisdom · 23/01/2023 20:56

"he is not very patient with kids.
Our relationship was our own thing at weekends when the kids were at their dads.
At one stage, he stayed for a week and I had enough, he stayed in bed for most of the day and again I arrived home daily to the dressing gown of doom.
He left at the end of that week after we all tiptoed around waking him so that was it for me."

I very rarely comment on threads but reading this, I couldn't ignore.

This resonates with me, painfully.

Run, run, run as far away as you can.

I actually have want to cry. Get this man as far away from your beloved children as you possibly can x

Blobbies · 23/01/2023 20:58

Yes a cocklodger bringing nothing to the table. Also providing very little to his own blood, his only child.

5thWisdom · 23/01/2023 20:58

Apologies, I typed so quickly that the Bold formatting failed and my post is full of grammatical errors but I sincerely hope you get the gist x

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 21:04

Just assume, always, that you're not awful.

Unless you've got people telling you that you're an awful person all the time, why would you consider it as a possibility?

Sunriseinwonderland · 23/01/2023 21:04

Well done for spelling it out to him.

Mum2jenny · 23/01/2023 21:06

Very lucky escape OP, keep running

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/01/2023 21:11

What the hell was he doing with his money? You are very well shot - I’m amazed at these 40/50 something men who expect women to fund their lifestyles, keep them and clean for them. Fuck that shit.

RagzRebooted · 23/01/2023 21:11

Well done! So good to see a thread where the OP has already got rid of the CF wannabe cocklodger before he got his feet under the table. Brava

Plonkety · 23/01/2023 21:11

I love you OP
I read so many posts from women where they're being told LTB! Red flags! Run for the hills! But they don't. They backtrack and make excuses and stay with the lazy, using, manipulative cocklodger.

But not you! You didn't need to be told by anyone else. You saw it. You didnt like it. You dealt with it. Job done ✔️

Don't feel bad. £55k a year but paying only £70 a week cm, living rent free with his parents for 2 yrs with no effort to move on, only giving you token contributions, staying in bed all day, can't be around kids because he has no patience with them, stays with you because he cant deal with expectations to help out around his parents home.... eurgh! 🤢

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 21:13

Part of me feels mean for getting rid when he was at his most vulnerable

In what way was he vulnerable?

He earns a damn good wage, has near-zero outgoings, & mummy takes care of all his home comforts when you weren't doing it.

Fruityfloral34 · 23/01/2023 21:17

Op he sounds like a depressive and that is why I think you thought he was vulnerable but his meanness to you / your kids and also his kid shows you how entitled he really is.

I have a family member who is like your ex. Took me a couple of years to realise he was a taker and wouldn't give. Have slowly backed away.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 21:22

He paid for the off take away or lunch. Didn't contribute to any housework over the weekend , just looked after his own belongings and washes his cup in the sink.
Rarely brought anything to the house eg biscuits or beer for anyone but himself.
Ugh.
He's like an ungrateful, oblivious teenager.

I rented a holiday home in the north over summer where he joined me. Rent was £ 500 for the week. He gave me £100 as a contribution. I bought all the food and drinks.
What?
How come he didn't offer half? Or pay for any food & drink?
How did you let this go unchallenged?

He went out for f work on stress leave and started to spend more time at mine. I felt for him. He was low and his brother, wife and kids had moved into his folks home while they waited to their new home.
This meant noise and an expectation to help with kids and domestic work.
What was he stressed about - not having his mummy all to himself?
He didn;t like being asked to do housework, so thought he;d move into yours, where you allow him to get away with doing fuck all round the house?

So he started to ask if he could stay longer at mine.
'It didn't occur to either of you that he could find & fund his own home?

At one stage, he stayed for a week and I had enough, he stayed in bed for most of the day and again I arrived home daily to the dressing gown of doom.
He left at the end of that week after we all tiptoed around waking him so that was it for me.
Why did you tiptoe, & worse - make your kids tiptoe - in your own home?
He was playing you like a fiddle.

When I broke up with him we chatted and I suggested that he get his own place and bring something to the table for the next woman. He was highly offended and said that at least his parents offered him somewhere to live ... alluding to the fact that I didn't.
What an entitled child.

I couldn't understand why on earth he would expect me to house him after two years together and told him so.
He was flabbergasted but so was I !
Have his parents ever said no to him? He sounds like he's been pandered to his whole life.

Part of me feels mean for getting rid when he was at his most vulnerable, the other part of me wonders if he was indeed edging towards a permanent move in.
Er - yeah! Moving in by stealth. That's why he was so gobsmacked when you refused to provide him with a free roof - in his mind, he already had his feet under your table, & a new mummy.

Well done for getting rid!

FrenchandSaunders · 23/01/2023 21:24

£70 a week CM 😳. He sounds awful.

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