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Original poster

Cocklodger or am I awful?

70 replies

siltinthewater · 23/01/2023 20:41

Reflecting here following a post that I read last night.
My ex partner and I met when he had his own rental and job. He moved for a different job but stayed with family as there was nowhere to rent. He is early 50's and divorced. One child for who he pays £70 per week maintenance. He earns £55k.

The rental market remained tight so he stayed with his family. They refused to take
Rent from him so he contributed to food and gifts.
He didn't make much of an effort trying to find somewhere. He was happy with his home comforts.
So he came to mine every weekend.
He paid for the off take away or lunch. Didn't contribute to any housework over the weekend , just looked after his own belongings and washes his cup in the sink.
Rarely brought anything to the house eg biscuits or beer for anyone but himself.

I rented a holiday home in the north over summer where he joined me. Rent was £ 500 for the week. He gave me £100 as a contribution. I bought all the food and drinks.
He went out for f work on stress leave and started to spend more time at mine. I felt for him. He was low and his brother, wife and kids had moved into his folks home while they waited to their new home.
This meant noise and an expectation to help with kids and domestic work.

So he started to ask if he could stay longer at mine.
I didn't want that as I have kids and work full time so mon-Fri is crazy and they are not used to anyone else in their home and he is not very patient with kids.
Our relationship was our own thing at weekends when the kids were at their dads.
At one stage, he stayed for a week and I had enough, he stayed in bed for most of the day and again I arrived home daily to the dressing gown of doom.
He left at the end of that week after we all tiptoed around waking him so that was it for me.
When I broke up with him we chatted and I suggested that he get his own place and bring something to the table for the next woman. He was highly offended and said that at least his parents offered him somewhere to live ... alluding to the fact that I didn't.
I couldn't understand why on earth he would expect me to house him after two years together and told him so.
He was flabbergasted but so was I !
Part of me feels mean for getting rid when he was at his most vulnerable, the other part of me wonders if he was indeed edging towards a permanent move in.
He actually left some
Clothes and toiletries at mine towards the end, ' just so he wouldn't have to be bringing them in the future..'
Was I unreasonable.
PS I'm absolutely anti blending

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 23/01/2023 21:24

Good riddance to him!

MummyJ36 · 23/01/2023 21:25

If this guy was 18 I’d think he needs to grow up. The fact that he’s in his 50s with this attitude is astounding!!!

mumyes · 23/01/2023 21:26

Jeeesus, you had a lucky escape. What a total dick.

BeverlyHa · 23/01/2023 21:28

All of this foreign to me. A man for me should be man, free , hard working, never married , ready to be just with me, house me, protect me etc. Even if I was rich , my mentality wouldn't choose such types.

Original poster
siltinthewater · 23/01/2023 21:31

I have moment where I wonder if I was too harsh but always thought back to my kids that week and me telling them to be quiet in the mornings or only come in to use the shower ( en suite) at specific times or me
Keeping my mind gone in silent as they have a habit f texting during the night sometimes to remind me of any thing I need to know about before I go to work.
That wasn't what I signed up for and that wasnt what I wanted for my kids.
He probably was a low level depressive who would t help himself.
He would go straight to my room, into bed and watch tv while eating chocolate or whatever else was available to him.

When I think of myself running around cleaning and tidying before the king arrived and then having a lovely dinner for him , only for him to then lie on the bed or sofa watching shit tv for the night.😳
Few dates, few thoughtful gestures, just a taker.

To get rid of a man at his lowest ebb isn't something I have done before or was terribly comfortable with.
Needless to say, I am now the hurtful and cruel ex . There's a lot of self pity and victim nonsense going on right now.

He described me recently to a mutual friend as a good one and lovely woman as I looked after him through his stress leave . That was his description of me. A good one .
Enough 😨

OP posts:
Bluesandwhites · 23/01/2023 21:31

You are a caring person having a chat with him about his next relationship, and what he should bring to the table. He probably thinks he is a prize catch and that women will be lining up for him. Have you got his phone number? Grin

Plonkety · 23/01/2023 21:32

BeverlyHa · 23/01/2023 21:28

All of this foreign to me. A man for me should be man, free , hard working, never married , ready to be just with me, house me, protect me etc. Even if I was rich , my mentality wouldn't choose such types.

Eh?

Bluesandwhites · 23/01/2023 21:33

@BeverlyHa

Spot on ! no, I'm not a feminist either !

forrestgreen · 23/01/2023 21:35

It's a shame we can't do a tattoo on these men to warn those who come after

(Lighthearted..)

BunchHarman · 23/01/2023 21:39

Ugh. He sounds vile. You did the right thing.

The worst bit was being short-tempered with your children in their home. What a prick.

HandbagsnGladrags · 23/01/2023 21:48

forrestgreen · 23/01/2023 21:35

It's a shame we can't do a tattoo on these men to warn those who come after

(Lighthearted..)

Hell yes, I wanted to do this to my abusive ex when he met his new victim! But then he got her pregnant and it was sadly too late.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 21:56

BeverlyHa · 23/01/2023 21:28

All of this foreign to me. A man for me should be man, free , hard working, never married , ready to be just with me, house me, protect me etc. Even if I was rich , my mentality wouldn't choose such types.

House you?

HOUSE you?

What - like a minor 18th century lordling, providing an apartment for his kept woman? 😂

Thoughtful2355 · 23/01/2023 22:12

He's a cocklodger and at 55k a year I'd want more than a shitty £70 a week!!! The government would pay me more in benefits for a child!!!

Bananalanacake · 23/01/2023 22:15

I refuse point blank to live with a man, even staying for a weekend is too stressful, I can't wait for them to fuck off, so I have my space to myself again.

ThisGirlNever · 23/01/2023 22:27

After paying the minimal child support, he's got around £2,800 per month of post tax income. That's a lot of money.

Why did he only pay £100 towards the holiday?

What did he spend all that money on?

Original poster
siltinthewater · 23/01/2023 22:31

I have absolutely no idea where his money has gone or is going. He used to lie a hit so always inconsistent about his savings.
He offered me money when I had an unexpected bill over a bank holiday weekend ... £200... I'm still shocked that he accepted it back when offered.
Here I was ... single parent, little disposable and yet I was paying the lions share ... Jesus !

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 23/01/2023 22:41

Oh OP you definitely did the right thing. That gave me the rage just reading it let alone living with it! Lazy, tight git.

You made me howl with " the dressing gown of doom" 😂

Rickiticki · 23/01/2023 22:45

He’s a user looking for perpetual parental indulgence, too lazy and mean to contribute to any element of life which is why he’s in the situation he’s in. He thought you’d pick up from his mother. Most likely his ex would tell you he has no appreciation of or respect for women.
Sod that. You judged this perfectly and should in no way feel guilty.
Next!

catandcoffee · 23/01/2023 22:48

Well done OP.
Keep this thread to look back on just in case you ever meet another one like him.

Don't ever doubt yourself again.

billy1966 · 23/01/2023 22:50

What an utter loser living off a single parent.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/01/2023 23:10

He was flabbergasted

I bet his was the entitled prick….cocklodger 110%

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/01/2023 23:43

Your "weekends only, no blending" sounds like my relationship but for one major difference. I go to DP's every other weekend and a couple of full weeks a year when our kids are away with their other parents. But.....when I get there I take the gas card and put gas on it because I am always cold and have the heating on higher and more often, so I pay for it. I always take food for one "good" meal. He tends to eat crap during the week as he works long hours and I like cooking so I will make say a beef casserole or a proper homemade pie or a roast of something and pay for the ingredients. We usually have this on the Saturday and eat leftovers on Sunday. He washes up though! We split the costs of eating out or going away straight down the middle unless its a treat for a birthday or something (he is taking me to Download as my 50th birthday gift for example but I will take my own spending money).

I would expect the same if he came here and he would do the same.

You dodged the cocklodget bullet, well done you!!

skippymcflippy · 23/01/2023 23:45

Absolutely classic hobosexual/cocklodger behaviour.
I always post on these threads so people can recognize these types (I had one living with me once... never again).
This usually starts with an "accommodation emergency" - that means something happens meaning that they need (or simply want) to move out. That can be an argument with a flatmate, family member gets pissed off with them and wants to kick them out, landlord wants to evict etc. In your case, the other family members moved in and it was too noisy for poor little hobosexual.

They then go whinging and whining to the girlfriend (either an established girlfriend as in your case, or if a relatively new relationship they then turn up the whole "I love you" bullshit, oh and by the way I've had an accommodation emergency.. can I just stay a few days).

The accommodation is often followed by an employment emergency - loses job, quits because something has happened he doesn't like, goes off with stress. In your case the accommodation and employment emergency pretty much occurred at the same time.

Once the employment emergency has occurred, out comes the dressing gown of doom and then you've got a full-on cocklodger roaming around the house, making no attempt to look for work (though usually making noises about doing so), probably gaming, eating pizza or chocolate in bed and watching Netflix (on your account of course). If you start to even look like you are going to suggest they make more of an effort to get work and start contributing they will squeal "depression" at the top of their voice. Will they go to the GP for help with the depression - will they fuck.
Nope, it's easier just to roll around in the dressing gown of doom, doing fuck all and scrounging off a woman with her own home.

My ex used to come out with the line "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment" in the whingiest voice you could imagine whenever he was asked to do something, such as wash up, hoover, look for work. And then he'd put on a pathetic face.
He also claimed depression. I don't believe he actually had depression - he certainly wasn't prepared to seek help for it. The reason I don't actually believe he had it was that it would only be mentioned when he was asked to do something.

Yeah, lucky escape OP.

HomeTheatreSystem · 24/01/2023 01:37

This kind of behaviour in a man of his age is deeply repellant. You did the right thing by you all, him included.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 24/01/2023 02:02

Absolutely shaking with silent laughter at 'dressing gown of doom', 'hobosexual' and 'I'm not feeling very happy at the moment' 🤣
How these pathetic excuses for men ever find anyone willing to have sex with them is beyond me. Well done on getting rid @siltinthewater @skippymcflippy 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼