Cocklodger or am I awful?

[siltinthewater]

Reflecting here following a post that I read last night.
My ex partner and I met when he had his own rental and job. He moved for a different job but stayed with family as there was nowhere to rent. He is early 50's and divorced. One child for who he pays £70 per week maintenance. He earns £55k.

The rental market remained tight so he stayed with his family. They refused to take
Rent from him so he contributed to food and gifts.
He didn't make much of an effort trying to find somewhere. He was happy with his home comforts.
So he came to mine every weekend.
He paid for the off take away or lunch. Didn't contribute to any housework over the weekend , just looked after his own belongings and washes his cup in the sink.
Rarely brought anything to the house eg biscuits or beer for anyone but himself.

I rented a holiday home in the north over summer where he joined me. Rent was £ 500 for the week. He gave me £100 as a contribution. I bought all the food and drinks.
He went out for f work on stress leave and started to spend more time at mine. I felt for him. He was low and his brother, wife and kids had moved into his folks home while they waited to their new home.
This meant noise and an expectation to help with kids and domestic work.

So he started to ask if he could stay longer at mine.
I didn't want that as I have kids and work full time so mon-Fri is crazy and they are not used to anyone else in their home and he is not very patient with kids.
Our relationship was our own thing at weekends when the kids were at their dads.
At one stage, he stayed for a week and I had enough, he stayed in bed for most of the day and again I arrived home daily to the dressing gown of doom.
He left at the end of that week after we all tiptoed around waking him so that was it for me.
When I broke up with him we chatted and I suggested that he get his own place and bring something to the table for the next woman. He was highly offended and said that at least his parents offered him somewhere to live ... alluding to the fact that I didn't.
I couldn't understand why on earth he would expect me to house him after two years together and told him so.
He was flabbergasted but so was I !
Part of me feels mean for getting rid when he was at his most vulnerable, the other part of me wonders if he was indeed edging towards a permanent move in.
He actually left some
Clothes and toiletries at mine towards the end, ' just so he wouldn't have to be bringing them in the future..'
Was I unreasonable.
PS I'm absolutely anti blending

@skippymcflippy .... I'm roaring 🤣🤣🤣
What an utter bunch of losers we nearly allowed to destroy us.
I used to ask him how he was feeling and he'd drop his head , give me a solemn look and Pat me on the arm or leg whispering ..' I'm ok love ...I'll be ok ..... as he inhaled a six pack of crisps and a litre of coke while hysterically laughing at some comedy.
Yes, I will definitely save this thread.
I had zero respect left for him and was majorly turned off him a few months before the end.
He was never too sick, stressed or depressed enough to have sex, weirdly enough.

Thanks

Omg what vile behaviour. Well done for telling him to leave.

£55k? £70 a week CM? Can't get a place of his own? Wtf?

Echoing others: total cocklodger.

You put up with this man for TWO years?!

Why on earth didn't you challenge him when he contributed a measly £100 towards the holiday?

Or when not being kind and patient with the DC?

Or when not doing his share of the chores?

You have to wonder if the parents asked the brother to move in to try and shift the dressing gown of doom out of their house.

I challenged him on his impatience.
It was caused by stress by all accounts.
H that was the final straw for me when he was trying to exert his ideas of effective parenting on me eg kids should be seen and not heard and hated that I completely ignored him.
He was worried about money as he was on stress leave so didnt push the holiday home cost.

Was he not getting paid whilst off sick though?

He sounds awful. A proper mood hoover. Am so happy my husband doesn't have a dressing gown 😂

I challenged him on his impatience.
It was caused by stress by all accounts.

By his account, rather than by all accounts, I would suspect!

He was worried about money as he was on stress leave so didnt push the holiday home cost.
Weren't you worried about money too, single parent with little disposable income?

Anyway, I think @skippymcflippy has given you the all-important playbook on how to avoid attracting another one of these in the future. He exploited your good nature from the beginning by the sounds of it (and his parents' as well) so you'd definitely want to be more assertive next time.

I'm ok love ...I'll be ok ..... as he inhaled a six pack of crisps and a litre of coke while hysterically laughing at some comedy

Oh my!! That's hilarious. And after I read that I had to re-read the OP to check if he was also my ex who also had a coke habit (as in coca-cola).
But he's not my ex as yours is older and divorced and mine had never been married.

Once I kicked mine out he went and moved in with friends of his (a couple). He told them a sob story about how I'd kicked him out and he was living rough on the streets in a foreign country (I live abroad and still do). Total bullshit. I'd given him a month's notice to find somewhere - he hadn't, so I reminded him three days before that the time was up and had he found somewhere as he'd be leaving in three days no matter what. So he skyped these friends, told them a load of bullshit and they told him to pack his stuff get on a train and come to them. So off he went on a two-day train trip across Europe, rocked up at theirs and was there for at least 9 months as far as I know, not paying rent and not contributing.

The biggest laugh was when he sent an e-mail saying "It's great here. Jane's a much better housewife than you. When Graham and I want a cup of coffee or something to eat we either call through to Jane or text her and she brings us what we want so we don't even have to get up off the sofa. You never did that for me".
Jane and Graham being pseudonyms for the couple he moved in with. Graham was also a cocklodger in my opinion - he was always "between jobs" or "depressed" and spent his whole time gaming.

Jane and Graham kicked him out in the end and then he had to get an actual job and rent an actual flat and pay actual bills..... whereupon he messaged me saying he wished he was back in the country I live in because the bills were soooo expensive in the part of the UK he was living in.

So he basically moved from his parents (mum) to his ex wife's then back to parents (mum) and tried to move in with you

Therefore you have a man who's spent his entire life expecting the women to do his scut work for the house and cater to all the housework,childcare etc

And you now probably a big contributing factor to the breakdown of his previous relationship.

Also you mention he spent weekends with you,other family members living in his parents house so lack of space and a penchant for irritability and inpatient with children;I take it he didn't actually have contact with his own?

You've dodged a major bullet and he'll undoubtedly be on the prowl for another woman to house him and take care of him.This man is very entitled

Why did you allow this to continue for as long as it did? Your standards were rock bottom from the start.

Poor Jane, I feel we need to liberate her from these piss-takers. Bet she was working whilst also waiting on these tossers hand and foot?

You subsidised this waster ahead of your children, I genuinely find that extraordinary every time I read on here.

Paying to keep a salaried man and allowing him to use your home as a doss house.

Think about that money you have spent and how it might have helped your children, and what you have modelled to them for TWO years with this utter waster coming to your home🙄.

Your children deserve better than this from you.

Learn from this experience.

Losers and wasters are ten a penny out there.

He sounds a complete piss taker TBH! WTF .You are well rid of him! What is with these guys. you have dodged several bullets and Red flags here.55k and he is paying a pittance for his child .I pity his ex wife .Dont give him any more headspace

What a sh*t. Bet you wonder now what you got out of the relationship. Been there. As long as we don't repeat the mistakes,that's a valuable lesson learned.

Well done Op, a cocklodger if ever I heard about one

Well of course not, cocklodgers don’t seek out gold diggers, it would never work would it?

Is there a female equivalent of a 'cocklodger'?

Ps that's a genuine question

@Catlover100

Vaglodger.

Some people say mufflodger.