Insecurities about porn

[GougeAwayIfYouWantTo]

I know there is a big divide between people who feel absolutely fine with their partner watching porn, and those for whom it evokes feelings of body insecurity, and unfortunately I fit into the latter category (and obviously those who are rightly against it altogether for moral reasons).

I’ve never had an outright conversation with my DH (ignorance is bliss!), but I assume he does watch it and I know he definitely did before we got together.

I’d love to not have insecurities, but I just can’t fathom how that’s possible. The majority of female porn stars are beautiful, slim, pert (often large) breasts, implausibly great hair. How can I compete with that?? I’m a late 30s mum, who despite looking after myself, is clearly showing signs of wear and tear.

For those who feel secure, how do you manage it? Is my self esteem just in the toilet?? My husband loves to have sex with me, is hugely complimentary etc, but I just feel shit still.

You don't need to compete with them. Honestly. It's a different thing. I've never had an issue with porn and me and exdh used to watch it together and separately. It's hard to explain but my ex didn't look at the womens bodies and want to have sex with them, it was just quick and easy pleasure. With me it was the whole package- emotional and sexual attraction, intimacy etc. It was the same when I watched it. I wasn't comparing what I saw to my exdh, it was just about pleasure. Nothing compares to the real deal with a sexual partner. I think a lot of this is down to self eestem. I hate my face but my body is ok. I appreciate it might be harder to deal with if you dislike your body and thats something to maybe work on?

Thank you; I guess I’m struggling to make that distinction between a person getting a quick fix and assuming they must be comparing.

It’s not even that I dislike my body (I mean, there’s definitely room for improvement 🤦‍♀️😂), but even if I toned up that last little bit, my boobs still aren’t massive and pert…I’m not tanned year round…sometimes I look tired etc etc. These women always look immaculate.

These women look immaculate because it is their job to do so. Their career literally depends on them looking a certain way and like film stars, they have an entire team of people, doing lighting, makeup, hair, editing and goodness knows what else all trying to make them look perfect. If something isn't perfect, it will be by take 8 or 9.

But that's beside the point. You really shouldn't think you have to compete with them. Your husband loves you and I'll bet would far rather spend an hour in bed with you than any of the people in videos. Affection, respect, love and intimacy count for a lot more than (fake) large breasts.

I guess I’m struggling to make that distinction between a person getting a quick fix and assuming they must be comparing

I don't think you are. Because even if you knew they were comparing, you still would need the self confidence.

This is nothing to do with partners and porn: this is about how you see you. If you had more self confidence, you'd realise that it's perfectly viable to say to a partner 'You're watching porn? You're no longer in a relationship with me, then!'

What's your self esteem like generally?

Have you seen much porn? Most of them look a bit… well either grim or ordinary. The glamorous porn star is a thing of the past

how does your DH compare to the male porn stars? With the use of drugs they are expected to have an erection that lasts for ages. That’s not real.

This is what I was thinking.

Op, if you have nothing againt the porn industry (I won’t bore anyone how anti-women it is) then I’d suggest you watch some.
Honestly, most of them are average at best, granted many are young.
The more plastic/cosmetic surgery they have, the weirder they look (really shows surgery is not worth the money)
You see stomach rolls, saggy boobs, pimples on they butts, humongous areolas, strech marks, ugly tans, it’s all there.
And if they have no problems getting naked, in front of a camera no less, why should anyone else?

Can't believe that people are suggesting that OP continues to compare herself to porn, but change things by realising she compares better than she thinks she does.

Yay, OP wins! More sexy than a pornstar!

Not very healthy, is it.

On the basis that you don’t know that he actually watches porn or what he does watch if he does, it seems as though you’re building an issue which doesn’t really exist up in your head until it becomes a monster. You don’t need to compare yourself with anyone because as far as you’re aware, there’s nobody to compare yourself with. We’d all drive ourselves mad if we constantly speculated on what our partners might be doing or thinking about or who else they might fancy more than us.

Is there something more in particular which is driving this thinking? Getting to the point where you feel crap bout yourself over something when you’ve no indication whether it’s even happening or not is quite extreme.

I think I do suffer with low self esteem generally (if I were to psychoanalyse the situation, I would assume it stems from the way my dad treated me as a child…he left the country when I was 7 and started a new family; he frequently let me down when he was scheduled to visit me etc).

I haven’t watched any porn recently; saw lots at uni when people were mucking around playing it etc. I’ve seen stills of porn stars etc made into memes and things and they always look stunning.

I know it’s all ridiculous and pathetic, and I don’t even know if he’s definitely watching it, but his mates talk about it a fair amount.

I know it’s all ridiculous and pathetic

What, your feelings? That's where the disrespect is: you feel a thing, and then you call the feeling 'ridiculous' and 'pathetic'.

Wow. Imagine if you had a friend, and you told them how you felt about something. Something unrelated to this. Something that's not even close to your heart, like the increase in the price of milk. Imagine that friend telling you that what you thought was 'ridiculous and pathetic'. How would you feel?

My relationship is fairly new, but I knew he watched porn before I started going out with him (odd that he told me that before but it was kind of a joke in a conversation but I knew he meant it). I have never even thought about the porn stars being prettier, sexier etc as my bf tells me all the time how sexy and pretty he finds me, and I do believe him. We also have a pretty good and exciting sex life so I know he’s not watching it thinking he wishes he could be doing this in real life as he mainly is (I think). I’m not a very insecure or jealous person and I think that helps.

I think if your parent never compliments you or makes suggestions that these women are better or prettier then that’s different, but this isn’t the case with your partner. He’s also not making it obvious he’s watching it. I’d try and let it go as you don’t want this to become a sticking point in an otherwise good relationship. Many men watch porn, some more than others. My boyfriend is completely open about it and I’d rather that than wonder if he is etc. I wouldn’t object to watching some with him but it’s not happened yet, but probably will. It’s all made up bull shit anyway and most men know that in the real world sex isn’t the same as the porn world.

@Zanatdy

I’d try and let it go

Yup, that's right. OP should minimise her feelings, and carry on with something she's not happy with, but keep schtuck. Healthy way for a woman to have a relationship with a man.

Your self esteem is definitely (some) of the issue here - I say some because if you were just uncomfortable with porn ethically that'd also be understandable, although it doesn't seem like that's your main issue: more the comparison with yourself.

So I guess I'd think about porn as a form of entertainment. We don't watch comedians and feel insecure that we're not as funny as not making our partner laugh as much, or feel guilty that we can't cook like a celebrity chef. Or if you think about porn as a tool to achieve what amounts of a kind of self-care, we don't feel sad that we can't cut hair as well as our partner's barber or don't do massages as well as the physio.

What I mean is: assuming you can see masturbation as something quite seperate to our sex lives with another person (because it is: like getting a Greggs pasty alone is different to a dinner for two, like a 2 minute shower and shave is different to sharing a shower with your partner and taking time to enjoy it - something which seemingly has the same outcome but a very different purpose) then he is either using porn for entertainment or as a tool for something for himself. And you don't have to be like those people: it doesn't sound like he's asking you to, in the same way he wouldn't ask you to learn barbering or stand up comedy. Your worth to him is not in how well you perform that particular role because it's not your role to perform.

Aside from that: the comparison itself isn't healthy. There is no fixed, definite 'better looking'. Someone I think is a solid 10/10 you might not even turn your head at, and vice versa. So you're comparing yourself to an imaginary 'better' that you've invented and found yourself lacking, for a start. And then there's the fact that I can think Oscar Isaac is one of the most beautiful men alive and still think DH is the fittest thing since sliced bread, despite the fact that DH looks nothing like Oscar Isaac - i.e. we can be attracted to different things. Porn tends to lean towards quite a specific look - very thin, very toned, big fake boobs (although not always - lots of porn with entirely normal looking people out there - you might be comparing to something that your DH isn't even watching!). So just because your DH may be seeing one particular body type in porn doesn't mean he only likes that body type, prefers it to you, or even specifically seeks that body type - it's just that it's ubiquitous in porn, and people often search by category of sex act (as opposed to look). So if he's searching e.g. 'threesome', he's not specifically choosing those types of actor, they're just what's available.

Lots of stuff that may or may not help here but largely - be gentle with yourself OP. Aside from this issue, you deserve to like yourself and feel comfortable in how you look, and that's always, always worth working on if you can, for your own sake!

Ultimately OP I think the only way to stop feeling insecure, is to actively start feeling better about yourself. You say your OH regularly compliments you and tells you he finds you attractive, but you still don’t believe it, and are comparing yourself to porn, despite only assuming that he knows or cares about porn. Rather than comparing yourself to theoretical porn stars and finding yourself coming up short, work towards a point where your own appraisal of yourself is what matters.

We all feel our best when we take care of ourselves and are happy in our own skin. I found that taking up running and weights helped me appreciate my body better. Not just the improved tone and posture aspect making it objectively better (which it has: I look fucking fantastic, and more importantly, I feel it); but really learning to recognise how important our fitness and wellbeing is, appreciate what a strong, healthy body can achieve, and taking pride in accomplishing things with it. You start to think in terms of your body as you; whereas when you dislike the way you look it’s often in a somewhat removed “this isn’t the real me” feeling, which leads to insecurity and unhappiness.

I don't like it but I can't stop him. Men are visual creatures they say and I'd rather DH do that than go cheat. He did look at porn when I was pregnant and I found out by turning TV on and seeing which channel he had on.
I told him on that occasion that it upset me and he apologized. From that angle I can see why someone might feel they are lesser than a random porn star. I felt like a whale and it hurt that he'd ignored me and banged one out over a model on a porn TV channel on the sly.
If he did that now I wouldn't care because I know I'm in good enough physical condition, my self esteem is in a good place (versus late pregnancy).
I can see where you are coming from OP. I just try not to over think it. I don't think it's harmful unless they are addicted and never initiate sex with you.

Men are visual creatures they say and I'd rather DH do that than go cheat

God, such a low bar. Accept something you don't like so that you don't have to accept something you'd like even less.

What about having your wants respected?

Well there’s no evidence he’s even watching any porn is there, so I do think she should let go of this insecurity which could end the relationship. If he was watching it daily against her wishes that’s different but she doesn’t even know if he is watching any porn. What’s your advice? End the relationship based on something that might not be happening anyway?

My advice is that OP looks to herself and her relationship to find the root of what's bothering her. Is it what her partner is doing, is it to do with her own view of her body, is it to do with how she sees the porn industry..? If it's to do with her view of her body, find out where that view comes from. If it's to do with comparing herself with other women, look into the provenance of that.

But perhaps you're right. Just try and let it go. Sounds wise and considered. Something bothering you? Just forget it. Easy!

Thank you, everyone. The issue is most definitely my own and my own insecurity and I am now planning on seeking counselling to work on this. My husband has not given me any reason to worry whatsoever, I just don’t want to be naive.

I really, really do appreciate the advise

Does he know how it's making you feel? Have you told him?

Sweetheart, you don’t even know that he still watches porn. And your husband compliments you and is attracted to you.

I don’t think this is really about porn. If you absolutely knew for sure your DH was not watching porn, would your anxieties go away? Or would you start worrying he was comparing you to women on TV, Instagram, younger women he sees at work?

It does seem more likely this is your own insecurity or anxiety talking. I’m guessing you are unhappy with your own appearance, possibly other aspects of your life too? Just not feeling very good about yourself? Do you have small kids as I think a lot of women feel this way at this stage.

You can try to get a man who doesn't watch porn .... Unfortunately they're in the minority.

And many might lie and do it anyway.

I watch it myself so I can't complain about my do watching it. He usually keeps it discrete and his use seems mi.imsl to moderate so ..... I leave it at that.

If I watch it, I use it as a visual aid to masturbation and to me it's about people having sex, scenarios etc. I'm aware they're actors, end of story. Sometimes the actors will have a chat to the camera before the scene, as themselves (though obviously a version of themselves) which I find very good. (Mainstream) porn actors, male & female do a job that require them to look attractive, be very groomed, and do sex acts they may not be particularly inclined to or enjoy (mostly the females in that case, although gay porn actors would experience similar drawbacks to female ones), the male actors often take Viagra. The male ones also generally have way above average sized dicks. They are actors and they do a job .... Non porn actors are not and do different jobs; they are extremely unlikely to look like porn actors. I don't expect them to. They are something completely different; a partner, whom you consider lots of varied things about - not just looks and sexual performance. Partners are about way more than that. Porn is a very narrow, limited, one dimensional (and ultimately fake) arena ..... Well adjusted people realise that.

Everyone potentially enjoys looking at good looking, attractive people getting naked and having sex ..... That doesn't mean (well adjusted) people compare them to their partner.

It sounds like yours doesn't ... You say you don't have complaints about your sex life (?)

In your shoes, think I’d be far more upset about the prospect of my husband wanting to watch trafficked women being tortured and raped, than I would about whether they had bigger tits than me!
As PPs have said, you need some therapy re your self esteem and issues from your childhood. Once you are more confident and self assured, you can decide whether porn use is a deal breaker for you.