Insecurities about porn

[GougeAwayIfYouWantTo]

I know there is a big divide between people who feel absolutely fine with their partner watching porn, and those for whom it evokes feelings of body insecurity, and unfortunately I fit into the latter category (and obviously those who are rightly against it altogether for moral reasons).

I’ve never had an outright conversation with my DH (ignorance is bliss!), but I assume he does watch it and I know he definitely did before we got together.

I’d love to not have insecurities, but I just can’t fathom how that’s possible. The majority of female porn stars are beautiful, slim, pert (often large) breasts, implausibly great hair. How can I compete with that?? I’m a late 30s mum, who despite looking after myself, is clearly showing signs of wear and tear.

For those who feel secure, how do you manage it? Is my self esteem just in the toilet?? My husband loves to have sex with me, is hugely complimentary etc, but I just feel shit still.

In your shoes, think I’d be far more upset about the prospect of my husband wanting to watch trafficked women being tortured and raped, than I would about whether they had bigger tits than me

It is possible to find porn where this is not the case... However, yes the industry is riddled with these issues and it's hard to know what is and isn't "ethical".

Though I believe there are ethical porn sites.

Sometimes the actors will have a chat to the camera before the scene

I always wondered who the hell watches those parts 😁!
I guess some people really do.

Lol, I'll be honest and say I fast forward them mostly, but have watched a few actors chatting about their scene out of curiosity.

They are generally quite bashful and jokey.

OP.. this suggestion might raise a lot of peoples hackles… but have you ever checked out an online porn site? Like porn hub? If you did, you might be surprised by the vast array of people performing. They are in all shapes, sizes, ages. Yes there are the professional productions with flawlessly beautiful people. But categories such as MILFS, real life amateur couples, BBW (larger ladies) get thousands of views. A lot of women on there just like you.

I honestly don't care about my partner's porn usage because

• it doesn't affect our sex life negatively

• I watch it too occasionally

• I'm secure in the relationship. I know he finds be attractive even though i'm not perfect

• i'm secure in myself. I know I don't have to look like an instagram model in order to be desirable

• it i were to worry about the women in porn, then it would be logical to worry about the attractive women he sees all around, at the market, at his hobby, etc. Ain't nobody got mental space for that.

OP, it bothers you. And its a totally normal response for it to bother you.

Lets say you found out he did watch it. How would you feel? Because you are well within your rights to feel angry/hurt/pissed off/insecure. And despite public opinion on mumsnet, not all men watch porn! If you told him how it made you feel, would be stop watching it? Thats important. If you think he would disregard your feelings over it, then thats the real issue, not the porn itself.

You do not need therapy, as someone suggested ffs, for feeling insecure about your partner watching porn.

I for one, could not be with a man who watched it. And i'm a pretty secure person. And I don't give a rats ass if someone called me insecure or whatever for being opposed to being with a man who watched it. My feelings about it are absolutely relevant to me, thats what you need to tell yourself.
And decide, if he does watch it and refuses to stop, how you would feel. Because it would be totally acceptable to say, then I can't be with you.

You do not need to go onto a porn site and see how 'normal' looking these porn stars are to make yourself feel better or less insecure. Thats ridiculous. I think you first need to know if he does actually watch it, and if he does you need to decide how acceptable that is to you and talk to him about it.

Remember that the way a porn star looks is part of her job.
The time I spend exercising is time taken from my leisure time.
The time a porn star spends in the gym is part of her work time.
You can't be expected to compete.

You've missed out the third category. Women who are sufficiently secure they're not so desperate to hang on to a man that they tolerate behaviour they find offensive or upsetting.
If porn upsets you for whatever reason, be that third type of woman.
Tell your partner he can either watch porn or have sex with you, a real life woman, but he can't have both. Porn can only make you feel insecure if you allow it a place in your life. You have every right to reject it as a condition of being in a relationship with you.

Tell your partner he can either watch porn or have sex with you, a real life woman, but he can't have both

This is a controlling way to phrase it. 'I won't have a sexual relationship with anybody who watches porn' is better. Nobody is 'telling' anyone how they need to behave, then.

Yeah sure, throw away a perfectly loving and decent husband you've built a life with over occasional porn use. That's smart. And reasonable, totally sane behaviour. And hope you can replace him with the elusive unicorn who has all those qualities AND doesn't watch it.

Top notch MN advice. Never ceases to amaze 🤯

Agreed. It amounts to the same, but your phrasing is better as it reduces the potential for accusations of control to be used as a diversionary tactic.

Bitter, critical, insulting post, here. Anybody is allowed to leave any relationship for any reason. There's no need for this sort of bullying language.

If a partner acted in a way that made me upset, why on earth would I want to keep him? I've never needed to compromise my standards yet.

For me if my partner still actively wants sex with me then I've never found porn an issue personally. With all my previous partners I've been aware they've watched it alone, I've sometimes watched it alone, sometimes we'd watch it together.

The only time it became a problem for me was in one past relationship where my ex watched porn but ended up mostly turning me down. That's the only time I've felt insecure with it. Was just a sign that the relationship was down the drain though and ended shortly after.

Other than that I have no issues with partners watching porn. I'm not a hot supermodel either I'm pretty average looking but can compartmentalise its use in my head I guess because I've been a regular watcher too and understand the differences between watching porn to get off and actively wanting sex with someone else.

Because this is real life where a partner will never be 100% compatible with you and in the grand scheme of things, if everything is a fit, discarding someone over porn use alone (not addiction) is just silly. Plus, you shouldn't get to police your partner's masturbation habits. What each of you does/fantasises about by themselves is their own personal business.

I'm sure OP has habits that her partner finds difficult to live with. Should he not compromise on those either?

Plus, OP is not ideologically opposed to porn. She doesn't take issue with the human exploitation implications. She admits she is simply insecure. That's a her problem, not a him problem. Her insecurity if for her to work on...

You could also turn that around to 'throw away a decent and loving wife you've built a life with over your occasional porn use'
If its such an inconsequential thing, why would a man prioritise it over his wife's feelings? One person needs to give way here don't they? What has led you to believe that person should always be the woman?

Because OP has an insecurity problem. If he gave up porn, she'd eventually find something else to be insecure about. That's how it works. The onus is on the one with the issue to work on it, not on the other person to accommodate them indefinitely and indiscriminately.

I don't think your 'two camps' are correct.

Lots of women wouldn't want their partners watching porn not because of their own body insecurities, but because it is degrading to women, and much of it is violent, and is actually images of abuse that men are wanking to, and thereby wiring their brains to get off on, and minimise, the dehumanisation of women.

Suggest watching this as a primer

I’ve never had an outright conversation with my DH (ignorance is bliss!), but I assume he does watch it and I know he definitely did before we got together.
You're basing this entire thread on an assumption. And responders aren't reading the first post properly.

I'm not sure the insecurity here has anything to do with your husband, or porn. Have ever you spoken to anyone about your feelings and insecurities?

It doesn't bother me because it's just a video (my way of seeing it, but I understand if others view it differently). I wouldn't however like him looking at women IRL. DH watches it occasionally, but I know he still finds me attractive. Porn is purely sexual, whereas real life attraction requires a lot more.

Then that would be a different thread with different advice. If it escalated to OP feeling insecure about day to day interactions such as with attractive women at work, seeing them in the street, then yes, she would need to work on it, because it wouldn't be feasible to have any relationship where that didn't happen.
But we're not talking about that, we're talking about insecurity arising from (the possibility) of a man doing something inconsequential (in your view) and easily avoidable, and that there are multiple reasons not to do, quite outside of the OPs feelings.
Just because the OP doesn't have ethical concerns, doesn't mean there aren't any. It's a fairly mainstream view that there are serious issues with the industry, and there are decent men out there who understand that and don't need it to be part of their life.
There's no reason to write the OP off as only being able to have a relationship with a man who uses porn. Many women have managed to find a man who doesn't.

There is of course a third category of people who object to the exploitation that is part of the porn industry and would find it distressing to be married to someone who is prepared to support this trade for their own gratification.

@moofolk I did caveat my first paragraph by mentioning those who rightly object to porn on moral grounds. That is a separate issue that concerns me without doubt and I realise it’s somewhat vacuous to even concern myself with me vs a porn star when many of them have hellish lives. When I’m thinking rationally, I know I sound ridiculous.

You’re all absolutely correct that if it wasn’t porn, that it may well be a celeb etc that I would compare myself too.

I have never spoken to anyone about my insecurities and I think I’m worried as I just can’t imagine a life where I don’t feel inferior for some reason or other, which is a bloody miserable existence for sure.

For what it’s worth, I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been physically and the last couple of days, I’ve made a concerted effort to talk myself up and appreciate my body & appearance and I’ve actually felt SO much better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a very conscious choice, but it’s a good start.

Well done! Stick with it!