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Original poster

Dh feeling unappreciated

64 replies

Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 13:51

Dh is constantly saying he feels unappreciated, by that he means we don't have sex/are intimate as much he would like and I'm getting fed up with it.

For background, we both work full time. He works mainly night shifts and I work a hybrid office job so am in the office 1-2 days ans home 3-4 days. The majority of the childcare and housework falls to me as I have the job that fits round school and nursery timings better. Children are 5 and 18 months.

This week we have argued twice over it in the following situations where he has made me feel I am being a horrible person

I had a work trip which involved catching a 6am flight so I had to be up at 3am. He had also been away for a few days in the week on a course so got home the night before. When I had got the children to bed he expected sexy time while I wanted to go to bed and sleep as I had to be up in 6 hours time. He sulked and eventually we ended up doing something at 12am when youngest woke up

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning. Got the youngest back home and asleep but the needed to unload the car so told dh I would maybe come back in a bit. Oldest the started asking for lunch (it was lunchtime) so I said I would make them lunch then see dh and he started sulking that he's bottom of the list

I'm not saying I think we do get enough tome together , we definitely don't compared to before we had children but we have 2 young children now and different priorities. Neither child really sleeps through and both have been ill this week while dh was away so I am exhausted and just not thinking about it!

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 22/01/2023 14:05

In a way it’s nice that he wants time with you, given the number of dads that disengage after kids (although, as always : not a race to the bottom)

It’s hard with your schedules. Can you afford the odd babysitter / family member (I appreciate that this might be uncomfortable for you with the youngest only being 18 months), for a date night or even sleepover with a very trusted family member ?

Maybe it’s just a communication thing : as in just saying you find it hard too, but it will be easier when kids are a little older (instead of saying for ex you have different priorities now (which is true of course, your tiredness is completely legitimate), just to have him understand that you actually are on the same page, you miss him too, and also what practical suggestions does he actually have (in a non agressive way for the sake of it) himself, ex reliable member in his family for babysitting ?.

Sometimes it’s just formulating it that you are on the same page, and working together to make things work out ? If he’s just complaining and no suggestions… just give it a go at leaving that part aside and give him a chance at seeing it as teamwork and shared wishes (if you already have, then, yes I imagine it’s annoying to just have him whining)

Godlovesall26 · 22/01/2023 14:08

As for your example about unloading the car and lunch, well if you’d sorted out the car while he made lunch, there would I imagine have free time ?
You’re not superwoman and tbh he does sound a bit whiny, but maybe just give him a chance at teamwork for the sake of it ?

Original poster
Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 14:24

We have limited options for childcare outside of school and nursery. We have a few people we can ask but we also have a few childfree weddings coming up this year so we can't use them all the time.

He also thinks that when he is on nights and I'm wfh that I should be able to take several hours out of the day to spend with him and just answer the odd email when in reality I can easily work all day and not make a dent in my workload. I do take a lunch and sometimes we get some alone time but then he expects me to get housework done on my lunch as well - so there's no pleasing him.

@Godlovesall26 he was in bed as he is on night shift so wasn't planning on getting up to help. His answer was I should do him first them all the jobs, where as my mind can't relax until all the jobs are done which I told and he argued that was stupid!

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 22/01/2023 14:30

His answer was I should do him first them all the jobs, where as my mind can't relax until all the jobs are done which I told and he argued that was stupid!

He is a selfish pig and as ever when I read what some women are expected to put up with, I am giddy with relief to be single.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 14:31

He may feel unappreciated but it sounds like he doesn't appreciate you and the reality of your role with the dc and your workload despite wfh. He wants time with you including sex without appreciating your exhaustion and that he can't always be a priority.

Maybe better communication would help? Can you explain all this to him and show him that you want to find ways to be together but you have to work together on this and it's not going to be how it used to be before dc, at least for a while. His sulking won't help matters. I think he needs to take a more adult perspective of the situation.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 14:32

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Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2023 14:33

He thinks you should break off from your actual paid job to have sex with him?

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 14:34

His answer was I should do him first them all the jobs, where as my mind can't relax until all the jobs are done which I told and he argued that was stupid!

How angry does his transactional attitude to sex make you feel OP?
And how long do you think you can tolerate his "me first" attitude & his expectation that he can order you to do chores?

category12 · 22/01/2023 14:38

It sounds like he's treating your job as optional and not a real job, but I presume he likes the money that comes with it.

I'd be tempted to go into the office more if that's viable, because he's acting like WFH isn't really working. Treat your job with the respect it deserves yourself as well - it's your income, your career, don't let it get sidelined by everything else.

And if he turns sex into a chore for you, he can't really expect enthusiasm for it.

millerpie · 22/01/2023 14:41

Nothing sexier than a man child who sulks because he’s not getting any.

Nanny0gg · 22/01/2023 14:58

'Do him first'? Envy

What does he do to help run his home and family? What does he do to make you feel appreciated and loved? What does he do that isn't all about him?

mumofone2019 · 22/01/2023 15:00

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This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 15:01

@Hoppinggreen yes. Quite often. If he is on nights and I am WFH he will often message when he wakes up and asks if I am busy and if anyone will miss me for a while. My answer is always yes I am busy and then he gets the hump that I prioritising my job over him. Which during my working day is not even a question.

I have thought about going into the office more but with the costs of fuel at the moment etc I have been putting it off but am considering it again.

OP posts:
Xrays · 22/01/2023 15:06

I feel exhausted just reading your post. I definitely wouldn’t want sex in any of those squeezed in circumstances. Sod that. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of the donkey work in terms of sorting stuff / childcare etc, and he’s just sitting there waiting with his hand in his pants 🙄 Errr no thanks.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 15:07

Quite often. If he is on nights and I am WFH he will often message when he wakes up and asks if I am busy and if anyone will miss me for a while. My answer is always yes I am busy and then he gets the hump that I prioritising my job over him. Which during my working day is not even a question.

Oh OP. Flowers

He is an unmitigated sex pest & he has zero respect for your job.
It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you, or for all the housework & childcare you do either.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 15:13

If he can't hear what you're saying I wouldn't blame you for never wanting sex with him again. He's only thinking of himself and his needs and showing no empathy for you. I couldn't deal with that.

Shoxfordian · 22/01/2023 15:20

He sounds like a sex obsessed 14 year old: not a grown man supporting and loving his equal partner. Don’t put up with this nonsense

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 22/01/2023 15:20

Ugh he sounds vile and I’ll put money on the sex being crap for you as he’s only interested in pleasing himself.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

Swissmountains · 22/01/2023 15:51

Op, your dh has zero respect for you or your job or the exhaustion of balancing two young children.

The me first demands are shocking to read. Unbelievably selfish and self centred.

I would suggest you sit down and ask him if he is happy for you to stay at home with the children in nursery and you can provide more ‘secy time’ as what he seems to want is not conducive with a professional mother that works full time.
Maybe put in those terns he will see how unreasonable he is.
Sex pests and sulkers are not attractive to anyone - so may be remind him of that too.

Swissmountains · 22/01/2023 15:52

Sexy time 😂

LumpyandBumps · 22/01/2023 16:03

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning.

You HAVE to take the children out as he worked a night shift?

One thing he doesn’t seem to lack is appreciation for himself as he seems very happy to put his wishes first.

category12 · 22/01/2023 16:11

LumpyandBumps · 22/01/2023 16:03

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning.

You HAVE to take the children out as he worked a night shift?

One thing he doesn’t seem to lack is appreciation for himself as he seems very happy to put his wishes first.

Yes, funny how him being rested for work is important and the children & his wife should be inconvenienced to allow him to sleep.

But OP's supposed to stay up to have sex despite having an early morning flight.

Yet weirdly he's the one who is unappreciated and hard done by. 🙄

What a selfish git.

frozendaisy · 22/01/2023 17:01

We can all feel underappreciated but we are all grown ups and have to suck it up.

A grown man sulking is deeply unattractive I would tell him that and it's boring and draining.

Otherwise I would just leave him to it.

If he feels underappreciated even after you say his isn't then you might as well underappreciate him, might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb. You're getting the moody blame regardless.

Natty13 · 22/01/2023 17:09

Sounds like it is you who is bottom of the list actually.

Clymene · 22/01/2023 17:11

In a way it’s nice that he wants time with you, given the number of dads that disengage after kids (although, as always : not a race to the bottom)

He doesn't want time with her, he wants sexual servicing. There's nothing 'nice' about it.