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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh feeling unappreciated

64 replies

Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 13:51

Dh is constantly saying he feels unappreciated, by that he means we don't have sex/are intimate as much he would like and I'm getting fed up with it.

For background, we both work full time. He works mainly night shifts and I work a hybrid office job so am in the office 1-2 days ans home 3-4 days. The majority of the childcare and housework falls to me as I have the job that fits round school and nursery timings better. Children are 5 and 18 months.

This week we have argued twice over it in the following situations where he has made me feel I am being a horrible person

I had a work trip which involved catching a 6am flight so I had to be up at 3am. He had also been away for a few days in the week on a course so got home the night before. When I had got the children to bed he expected sexy time while I wanted to go to bed and sleep as I had to be up in 6 hours time. He sulked and eventually we ended up doing something at 12am when youngest woke up

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning. Got the youngest back home and asleep but the needed to unload the car so told dh I would maybe come back in a bit. Oldest the started asking for lunch (it was lunchtime) so I said I would make them lunch then see dh and he started sulking that he's bottom of the list

I'm not saying I think we do get enough tome together , we definitely don't compared to before we had children but we have 2 young children now and different priorities. Neither child really sleeps through and both have been ill this week while dh was away so I am exhausted and just not thinking about it!

OP posts:
WeAreBorg · 22/01/2023 17:26

Others have said it better but he’s just awful isn’t he. I can’t bear a sulking man.
I have an ex who also said he felt unappreciated because I put my children and my job before him…er yes

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2023 17:29

Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 15:01

@Hoppinggreen yes. Quite often. If he is on nights and I am WFH he will often message when he wakes up and asks if I am busy and if anyone will miss me for a while. My answer is always yes I am busy and then he gets the hump that I prioritising my job over him. Which during my working day is not even a question.

I have thought about going into the office more but with the costs of fuel at the moment etc I have been putting it off but am considering it again.

I’m so sorry.
I am especially sorry that you feel you can’t WFH because you need to avoid this awful man.
Its not right OP

Original poster
Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 17:34

Thank you for all the responses

I do get that you need to make time for things in a relationship and I do try. But I'm generally running around or exhausted all the time.

Dh came in at 5am this morning, straight tk bed. I was up with youngest at 6. Dh had appeared once for some lunch and then gone back to bed probably until 8pm when he gets up and gets ready for work while I have had the day with the children and then when they go to bed I have to bags and lunches ready for tomorrow.

I had planned to do some bits while youngest napped today that I usually do in the evening, so that DH and I could have some time together tonight before he goes but apparently that's not good enough

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 22/01/2023 20:01

God, he sound vile. Argh!! He is not helping you at all and is pestering and sulking. Disgusting habits. Does he have any redeeming quality

category12 · 22/01/2023 20:05

What's he actually doing to make your life easier or happier?

You're running around like a servant, while he's the Big I Am - why is there this dynamic?

Why isn't he picking up his share of housework and childcare? Why is it your job to "find time" for sex as though it's a chore or duty - why isn't he making an effort?

knobheadinlaws · 22/01/2023 20:11

I'd suggest he get a day job and start helping you more so that you not only have the time for intimacy but actually want it with him.

Atm he's being a selfish twat and were this my DH, I'd be completely turned off.

Sarahcoggles · 22/01/2023 20:54

Hang on, is he saying he wanted you to leave your 2 young kids alone downstairs today and go up for a quickie with him?
Words fail me

ArcticSkewer · 22/01/2023 21:08

If you threw him out you would find you had less work to do. That's not a good sign!

TwilightSkies · 22/01/2023 21:13

Do YOU feel appreciated? I doubt it

Pr0fessionalLurker · 22/01/2023 21:14

So he has 15 hours between finishing work and going back to work (like most people working days) and he spends ALL of that time in bed, either sleeping or relaxing?

YouJustDoYou · 22/01/2023 21:20

"He doesn't want time with her, he wants sexual servicing. There's nothing 'nice' about it"

This.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/01/2023 21:23

How much housework does he do, and how much childcare, ie baths, does he do?

How much free time do you both have?

If he left, would you actually miss him or would your life be easier and less stressful?

I can guess the answers and I bet I would be spot on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 21:31

His attitude gives me the rage. So he is too tired from shifts to help with kids or house, but you're supposed to have enough energy to 'do him first' and then do sberytjings else?

Just grim

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 21:32

*everything

DeadbeatYoda · 23/01/2023 17:17

He needs to grow up. What a petulant twat. That is exactly the behaviour that puts me off sex with a person. Yuk.

Original poster
Newyearnochange88 · 23/01/2023 18:17

Today hasn't been any better. I had an unusual day in the office (not my normal day in) DH got home from work as i was getting up. Moaned that I should have stayed in bed with him for a while but he knows on days I am in the office I have to get up, get ready, get the kids ready and be out be out by a certain time and it's a push as it is

When I said OK I'll stay in bed if you help get the kids up after he said that wasn't the deal and I still needed to do everything

Haven't spoken to him all day since.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 23/01/2023 18:39

@Newyearnochange88

When I said OK I'll stay in bed if you help get the kids up after he said that wasn't the deal and I still needed to do everything

My word - what an unreconstructed twat he is. He really knows how to get you to change your mind, doesn't he?

Are you looking into the future and seeing what it would look like without him in your home? Would he even want to see his children then?? 🌹

dreamingbohemian · 23/01/2023 18:46

He's a twat and you're crazy to stay married to him

What were you even thinking yesterday??? He stayed in bed for 15 hours! While you ran around like a maniac so you'd be able to service him before work.

He's has gaslighted you to the point where you can't even see how horrible he is.

Undisclosedlocation · 23/01/2023 18:53

WTAF am I reading? What on earth makes you put up with such an awful man?

seriously, WHY are you with this appalling selfish excuse for a man?

Original poster
Newyearnochange88 · 23/01/2023 19:07

I guess I stay because after all this time I am made to feel like its my fault. Every little thing that goes wrong is my fault. It could be that we don't get enough time together, or that something isn't right in the house and it's my fault.

And after all the years we have been together I'm meant to accept its normal to spend 15 hours in bed and do nothing around the house when you work nights whereas I get by on about 6 hours of broken sleep just to get everything done

OP posts:
Franticbutterfly · 23/01/2023 19:12

Newyearnochange88 · 22/01/2023 17:34

Thank you for all the responses

I do get that you need to make time for things in a relationship and I do try. But I'm generally running around or exhausted all the time.

Dh came in at 5am this morning, straight tk bed. I was up with youngest at 6. Dh had appeared once for some lunch and then gone back to bed probably until 8pm when he gets up and gets ready for work while I have had the day with the children and then when they go to bed I have to bags and lunches ready for tomorrow.

I had planned to do some bits while youngest napped today that I usually do in the evening, so that DH and I could have some time together tonight before he goes but apparently that's not good enough

Surely he only needs 7/8 hours sleep?

category12 · 23/01/2023 19:14

Newyearnochange88 · 23/01/2023 19:07

I guess I stay because after all this time I am made to feel like its my fault. Every little thing that goes wrong is my fault. It could be that we don't get enough time together, or that something isn't right in the house and it's my fault.

And after all the years we have been together I'm meant to accept its normal to spend 15 hours in bed and do nothing around the house when you work nights whereas I get by on about 6 hours of broken sleep just to get everything done

Your life would be better and easier on your own.

Dump the fucker already.

Undisclosedlocation · 23/01/2023 19:18

You can’t be ‘made’ to feel anything unless you allow it. Just because he spouts absolute crap, it doesn’t make it true.

Time to ditch your user name…….this new year needs to be one of change. Leave the useless, parasitic scumbag

MissTrip82 · 23/01/2023 19:29

There are no women working night shifts with children sleeping those hours. None. Zero.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/01/2023 19:32

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning. Got the youngest back home and asleep but the needed to unload the car so told dh I would maybe come back in a bit. Oldest the started asking for lunch (it was lunchtime) so I said I would make them lunch then see dh and he started sulking that he's bottom of the list

What was he doing while you unloaded the car and made lunch? Just sat there doing fuck all?