Dh feeling unappreciated

[Newyearnochange88]

Dh is constantly saying he feels unappreciated, by that he means we don't have sex/are intimate as much he would like and I'm getting fed up with it.

For background, we both work full time. He works mainly night shifts and I work a hybrid office job so am in the office 1-2 days ans home 3-4 days. The majority of the childcare and housework falls to me as I have the job that fits round school and nursery timings better. Children are 5 and 18 months.

This week we have argued twice over it in the following situations where he has made me feel I am being a horrible person

I had a work trip which involved catching a 6am flight so I had to be up at 3am. He had also been away for a few days in the week on a course so got home the night before. When I had got the children to bed he expected sexy time while I wanted to go to bed and sleep as I had to be up in 6 hours time. He sulked and eventually we ended up doing something at 12am when youngest woke up

Today he is on nights so I have take the children out this morning. Got the youngest back home and asleep but the needed to unload the car so told dh I would maybe come back in a bit. Oldest the started asking for lunch (it was lunchtime) so I said I would make them lunch then see dh and he started sulking that he's bottom of the list

I'm not saying I think we do get enough tome together , we definitely don't compared to before we had children but we have 2 young children now and different priorities. Neither child really sleeps through and both have been ill this week while dh was away so I am exhausted and just not thinking about it!

If he has the energy for sex then surely he has the energy to help unload the car?
He sounds like a lazy selfish bastard to me who is treating you like a piece of meat

He sounds like a sex pest. And not a good father or husband.

Christ.

He needs to get a day job but unfortunately it sounds like he's too much of a disgusting misogynist for that to make a difference.

Has he always had a Neanderthal attitude to housework and childcare? How does his dad treat his mum, stone age there too?

Dh came in at 5am this morning, straight tk bed. I was up with youngest at 6. Dh had appeared once for some lunch and then gone back to bed probably until 8pm when he gets up and gets ready for work

So he took (bar a lunchbreak), 13 hours to himself? 13? So on a 13 hour window he had what? 8hrs sleep, 1hr lunch, 4 hrs just doing fuck all? Does he know he is a parent?

Gosh OP, he sounds awful!

None of what you're saying is acceptable in any way. Please don't feel you need to put up with it!

He slept from 5am to 8pm with a quick awake spell for lunch?? He is totally ripping the arse out of it OP. No help with childcare or chores and expects sex on tap, and hassles YOU for not making time... sounds like an arse.

Urgh.

in all honesty I don’t think I could bring myself to have sex with him ever again.
He is bordering on bloody creepy quite frankly. He is making you ‘perform’ by being moody and abusive if you don’t, so you feel obliged to comply for a quiet life
that’s coercive abuse, plain and simple

You are running yourself ragged trying to please a man who puts his needs first (do him first makes it sound as if sex is something that you do simply for him) and doesnt do anything for you

When OP mentions ‘doing something at 12.00am’ I doubt that more than one of them had an orgasm.

He's a disgrace to the human race. Next time he says he feels unappreciated, tell him he hasn't done anything to appreciate.
How have you let him get away with this? 15 hours in bed!!! He needs a serious talking to. I'm happy with 6 hours and my nights are 12.5 hours long! No way is he sleeping all that time. He'd rather laze about thinking of the sex he'd like, than look after his own children and do his own housework which would be more likely to inspire what he wants.
You are ment to be a partnership but somehow you have let him be the boss of you, that's wrong.
There is absolutely no reason on earth why he cannot sort the children out and take them to nursery when he gets in from work, in fact it sounds like perfect timing for it when he gets in. Totally unnecessary and out of order to go straight to bed. If people went to bed at 5pm as soon as they finished a working day - how ridiculous would that seem?
I think if you look back there were probably signs this would happen before you had DC. Has he ever done much housework?

He should be doing 50% of all childcare and housework as well as his job. How this hasn't made your blood boil I don't know - perhaps it is now.
Anyway, it's not down to you to run the house solo. So, start by cutting out any chore that is done for him. If he wants to eat, he'll have to sort it himself. If he wants clothes to wear, he will have to wash and iron and put away himself. Down tools on anything that is done for him. It's just a start, but why should you do anything for him when he does nothing for you or the DC.
He's clearly a lazy misogynist of the highest order, that's enough to put anyone off. I'm surprised you got as far as DC with him in the first place.

Oh @Newyearnochange88 he sounds just awful.

First of all - what specifically does he think you should appreciate more about him? Is it that he works FT hours? Oh no - so do you, so he's doing nothing special there. Is it all the housework and cooking he does? Oh no - you do most if not all of that. Is it the fact he's a brilliant Dad - Oh no he can't be bothered to look after his children can he? Is it the fact he provides you with great emotional support and spoils you every once in a while to acknowledge all you do for him? Oh no - he doesn't support you (in fact he sulks).

You do much more than him and yet he thinks you should appreciate him more?

Secondly, I'm worried that by 'appreciate' he means 'have sex with'. So he thinks that sex is something you should 'do' for someone else, not for yourself. ie his pleasure is more important than yours. And you should do it FOR him even if you don't want to / are tired / are working / looking after children etc? Chilling.

Why on earth would you appreciate a lazy, entitled, selfish, imature sulking manchild? He doesn't respect you. He certainly doesn't appreciate you. You deserve much more appreciation than him. And why would you respect or fancy a man who puts his own needs and wants first, over his wife and childrenm, every time? He isn't a loving husband. Far from appreciating him more, I think you should be leaving him. There is a much happier life out there for you.

I could have written this when my husband is home from Shift work and I'm Working from home. Sometimes I am quiet but generally busy - also if I do get a lunch break I take a nap to catch up on all the sleep missed the rest of the time

When we got married, I insisted that DH help with housework as we both worked full time and he did. Whenever we changed jobs then the workload shifted. When we worked with children, I told him that they came first. I was part-time (although almost full-time) but was local. I did a lot more around the house but, again, child care etc was worked out. We didn't have family locally so I child shared with their friends. I would have children after school and one mum would have until their child's bedtime. When they were a little older then sleepovers could be arranged. You have a 5 year old so can look to do something with that child's friends. It may also be worth looking for a childminder who will have your younger one for one evening a week. But, first and most importantly, get your lazy selfish husband to do more around the house and also find a cleaner to help.