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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my setup odd?

64 replies

starwars14 · 22/01/2023 12:53

I have been on MN for a while and noticed recently threads about finances in relationships and it has dawned upon me how strange my situation is and I wanted to get a general consensus on what I should do from here.

I have been with my DH for the last 10 years and married for the last 4 years. We have a 3 year old DD. I have always worked full time and my DH has always been self employed. I have realised that I have no idea what he earns whereas he knows what I earn as it is very simple.

My dilemma is that now with the cost of living going up, I want to be clear on what our incomings and outgoings are so I can plan for our future and more importantly our DDs future. He always says not to worry, we have lots of money/savings but I have asked him what he actually earns. He has started making excuses and keeps saying he has no idea what he earns... Is this normal for someone self employed? He has an accountant so surely someone must know what he earns. When I pushed him over the weekend, he asked why I really needed to know and if I planned on divorcing him 😯

I am not really sure what to make of the situation. I feel like he is hiding something and cannot understand why he wont share this info with me. Another reason I am keen to understand is because he wants us to have one more child and I am worried about being pressured to going back to work ASAP like last time. I only got 8 weeks off on maternity leave before I had to go back to work due to finances.

OP posts:

Joey69 · 22/01/2023 13:10

How does he work, does run his own company and take a dividend from that company, or his a contractor on a hourly rate / daily rate, or a subcontractor paid to do a certain job ?

but his accountant should have have some idea

BuffyTheCat · 22/01/2023 13:13

I would be extremely concerned if my husband were cagey about his financial position. I would certainly not consider having another child in these circumstances.

Why can’t he just be honest with you? What is he hiding? Gambling debts? Excessive spending? A failing business? I think you need answers, OP.

category12 · 22/01/2023 13:16

Yes, it's strange that he's not transparent about his income with you. You're supposed to be a team.

I would try again on the basis that financial planning for the future, your daughter and the household needs to be done in a joined up manner.

And of course he knows what his financial situation is. If he doesn't, it would be pretty terrifying. I would ask to meet with his accountant if he continues to fudge it.

perfectcolourfound · 22/01/2023 13:20

Yes that is strange. Have you asked him why he doesn't think his income is any of your business? If he won't tell you then he's hiding it for a reason - ask him what that reason is.

Could it be that he doesn't earn as much as he'd like and doesn't want you to know that? Is he living beyond his means and accruing debts? Is he spending money on things you don't know about and wants to keep from you (related to addiction or a secret child (to take it to its extreme I admit)? Does he spend more on 'luxuries' or hobbies than you can spend, and he doesn't want you to know? Is he planning on leaving you? Does he consider his earned money is his money (yet your money is both your money?)? Is he a sexist dinosaur who thinks money is the man's domain? Does he use money to control you in some way?

If he won't share the info, then you can reasonably assume one of the above is true.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2023 13:23

Have you told him it makes you feel insecure and that you can’t consider another child until there’s more transparency?

Bittercup · 22/01/2023 13:23

Would you be able to look him up on Companies House?

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 13:23

Whether he runs a Ltd company or is self employed he must prepare accounts and therefore he does know what he earns. I cannot imagine not knowing what DH earns and I am surprised you haven’t wondered before now to be honest.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2023 13:24

Have you also asked him why, if there are plenty of savings, that you had to go back to work 8 weeks after giving birth?

isthewashingdryyet · 22/01/2023 13:25

Ummm, you are married, it is your money that he earns as all assets are shared when you are married

PollyAmour · 22/01/2023 13:25

I would be asking myself why he is being so cagey about his income. What is he hiding?

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2023 13:26

When I pushed him over the weekend, he asked why I really needed to know and if I planned on divorcing him

What did you say to that? Has he been married & divorced before?

How do you pay for joint/family expenses at the moment?

CurlyGirlMumma · 22/01/2023 13:28

Very strange. My other half's self employed. He knows his last years books. Maybe not so much for this current year, he'd have a rough idea though.

JaninaDuszejko · 22/01/2023 13:31

It's January, he should have done his tax return for 21-22, ask what his taxable income was. That won't tell you how much he pays into his pension though but it's a start. Do you receive child benefit?

Dodecaheidyin · 22/01/2023 13:34

My ex knew exactly what money I had but I knew nothing about his. He was financially, as well as in other ways, abusive.

Listen to your instinct, OP.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 22/01/2023 13:36

Accountant here you might be surprised how many people don't know how much they earn or if they are in profit or loss. Companies House will give you a clue but you can have much accounts ( don't tell you anything) until you are turning over£846k even over that you don't yet have to publish your profit and loss account so turnover could be £5m and you wouldn't know if they made a profit or loss. If his accounts are audited for example he is a financial advisor regulated then that will give you a clue. If he is vat registered that will give you a clue.

You really are best asking him what the profit is as that is all that counts. Many business owners don't take a penny out of the business, its all spent on growth. Also make sure he is tax planning efficiently to ensure his tax bill is minimal.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 22/01/2023 13:36

Should say micro accounts not much accounts

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2023 13:38

It’s good you’re thinking about it and his response is very concerning. It’s tax return time, he knows exactly how much he’s earning and the tax he’s paying.

How do you split/share finances at the moment?

DH is employed and I have my own business, we both everything that’s coming in and out and given how expensive everything’s got we’re reviewing things more often than ever.

Don’t be put off by his caginess, you’re married, financially committed, and you need to get to the bottom of it.

NettleTea · 22/01/2023 13:56

how can you know if you are contributing proportionately to the household?
Your starting point may be 50-50, but if he outearns you by a significant factor - is that fair?

Somanysocks · 22/01/2023 14:08

I'm self employed and I don't know what I have earned this year without getting my paperwork out. Income varies each year.

Having said that, your dh should know roughly what he earns at this time of year.
He should also let you know what savings you have, that sounds suspicious. Demand to see all the accounts, what if something happens to him, you need to know?

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 14:12

This is cagey as fuck. Either he earns far more than anything you can imagine, or there’s spending he’s trying to hide. I don’t know how you’ve got this far without having a clue what he earns.

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 14:13

Can you ask him to show you his online banking?

Happygone · 22/01/2023 14:13

I would insist he told me.

Godlovesall26 · 22/01/2023 14:16

My mum knows by heart what she earns, or else how would she know where the business is at financially ? If he has an accountant (I noted a PP saying as an accountant some don’t, but the accountant would).

Of course you’re entitled to know

How do you spilt finances in general ?

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 14:20

He has started making excuses and keeps saying he has no idea what he earns...

What would happen if you said to him "that's an ... interesting response dear. Why are you bullshitting me?"

category12 · 22/01/2023 14:21

I'd also want to know what provisions he's making for retirement, whether he has life/critical illness insurance and how much for etc. Would it pay off the mortgage, would it give you an income etc.?

What happens to the business if he dies or suffers a life-changing injury/illness? A relative of mine used to have his own business: unfortunately much of the detail of the finances/running of it was inside his head. When he suffered a massive stroke from which he never recovered, it really left them both in a huge mess (apart from the immediate issue of how he nearly died and his ongoing disability). His wife had no idea what to do/where to even start with it all. The business pretty much collapsed so when it came to selling it, it wasn't as lucrative as it should have been.

It's not high on many people's lists to think about and prepare for, but the worst does happen.

You need to know this stuff.

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