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Original poster

Is my setup odd?

64 replies

starwars14 · 22/01/2023 12:53

I have been on MN for a while and noticed recently threads about finances in relationships and it has dawned upon me how strange my situation is and I wanted to get a general consensus on what I should do from here.

I have been with my DH for the last 10 years and married for the last 4 years. We have a 3 year old DD. I have always worked full time and my DH has always been self employed. I have realised that I have no idea what he earns whereas he knows what I earn as it is very simple.

My dilemma is that now with the cost of living going up, I want to be clear on what our incomings and outgoings are so I can plan for our future and more importantly our DDs future. He always says not to worry, we have lots of money/savings but I have asked him what he actually earns. He has started making excuses and keeps saying he has no idea what he earns... Is this normal for someone self employed? He has an accountant so surely someone must know what he earns. When I pushed him over the weekend, he asked why I really needed to know and if I planned on divorcing him 😯

I am not really sure what to make of the situation. I feel like he is hiding something and cannot understand why he wont share this info with me. Another reason I am keen to understand is because he wants us to have one more child and I am worried about being pressured to going back to work ASAP like last time. I only got 8 weeks off on maternity leave before I had to go back to work due to finances.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 14:23

Another reason I am keen to understand is because he wants us to have one more child and I am worried about being pressured to going back to work ASAP like last time. I only got 8 weeks off on maternity leave before I had to go back to work due to finances.

JFC. If he is actually hiding his income from you because it's more than you earn, or more than you imagined he did, he is one tight bastard.

Do NOT have another child with him unless he is prepared to be transparent. There is no reason for him not to be - you are. Why does he get to play double standards?

ChampagneCommunist · 22/01/2023 14:42

It can be true, sort of.

I am self employed and I know how much I take out of the business every month, as it is a set sum.

But, because you don't pay tax under PAYE and the accounts aren't done until after the end of the businesses financial year, I won't actually know what I earned in that year until about 6 months after the year has ended.

But, as I say, I do know what I take out each month

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 14:46

he asked why I really needed to know and if I planned on divorcing him

That's where his mind went so that's where his thinking is. He's not telling you so you can't. And 8 weeks is very very short. A bit more planning, with the right information, would help.

Are the savings in joint names in accessible accounts?

Joey69 · 22/01/2023 16:55

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 14:12

This is cagey as fuck. Either he earns far more than anything you can imagine, or there’s spending he’s trying to hide. I don’t know how you’ve got this far without having a clue what he earns.

Sorry buts that’s not true at all, many people who are self employed will not have a full idea of their yearly income until their full accounts have been completed, lots will take an amount out their company, but it’s really different to being employed

ElvisCymraeg · 22/01/2023 17:01

It's true that you don't always know your earnings until a few months after the end of the tax year, but then surely the previous year's earnings would be the DH's answer to any question? I'm self employed and if I was in his position I'd say, "Well I earned x amount in the last tax year, I'm not sure about this year but I'm expecting it may be a bit more/less/the same." The caginess is weird.

AhNowTed · 22/01/2023 17:04

Of course you need to know!

How could be possibly think you don't.

I'd be holding off having another baby with him until he's prepared to be honest and transparent.

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 17:15

ElvisCymraeg · 22/01/2023 17:01

It's true that you don't always know your earnings until a few months after the end of the tax year, but then surely the previous year's earnings would be the DH's answer to any question? I'm self employed and if I was in his position I'd say, "Well I earned x amount in the last tax year, I'm not sure about this year but I'm expecting it may be a bit more/less/the same." The caginess is weird.

Sorry but no one’s that thick. They’ve been together for years and years. He knows what he earned last year, and the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that. He knows what’s in his banking accounts and savings accounts right now. If he wasn’t trying to be sketchy and honestly didn’t have the slightest clue of his income, then the normal response would be ‘I don’t know, let’s look into it and find out’. Not ‘omg why are you even asking me, are you planning on divorcing me’? 🙄

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 17:15

Was meant to quote @Joey69 sorry

Joey69 · 22/01/2023 17:26

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 17:15

Was meant to quote @Joey69 sorry

Again that depends on what he actually does, I’ve worked with loads of IT contractors,over 20 + years some on rolling contracts, some on short term, rates vary , length of time not working can vary, just because someone charged £100k last year, it simply not true to suggest they are going charge the same this year

JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 17:28

He sounds really tight. I hate how cagey he was with you about his earnings particularly when you only could take 8 weeks off. I accept that as a self employed person your money varies but surely you have an idea! And he could tell you past year or past month it was this or if I work x many hours I should get this amount.
I wouldn't say your set up is odd because depressingly, many wives are in your situation i.e. money kept hush hush and separately, however I would say it's not a positive set up. He doesn't trust you enough to share this information. He isn't sharing his life and money equally. He doesn't you as his equal life partner. His priority is number one (himself). I wouldn't be attracted to a man like this.

KillerSandy · 22/01/2023 17:30

How do you divide up the household costs?
You don't know how much savings you have as a couple?
This can't go on.

JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 17:30

He is either earning more than the impression he gives you but his money is going elsewhere. To whom and why I don't know. We can all speculate.

Or he is earning too little that if you knew you would be outraged and pressure him to work more or change career.

Either way it doesn't look good.

I can understand privacy and separation of finances if you're gf/bf but not when you are married or living together and have children together.

JuneOsborne · 22/01/2023 17:33

Oh come on. Of course it's weird to not know and it's even weirder for him to be cagey when you ask directly.

It's not just weird, it's off that you only had 8 weeks of maternity leave because of 'finances' but when you try and get some answers you're told there's plenty of money. Which is @starwars14dh?

curveballqueen · 22/01/2023 17:33

I'm employed and my husband is self employed (well, he's an employee of his own limited company which is basically the same thing). I know exactly how much he earns and we have completely joint finances. We didn't until I went on mat leave with baby 1, but it made sense then and we've never separated them.

Dogdogwoofwoof · 22/01/2023 17:36

Yes your set up is odd.
It is weird that you've spent ten years with someone and haven't got a clue about how much they earn.
It's off AF that your husband isn't telling you either. If he genuinely doesn't know a normal answer to your question would be something along the lines of "not sure but roughly around the region of..... or not sure it changes yearly, but last year I earned x"

SmileWithADimple · 22/01/2023 17:36

It may be true that he can't predict what he'll earn this year (or even this month) - is his business quite a volatile one with peaks and troughs? But he should definitely be able to tell you what he earned in the past and it would really bother me that he won't tell you.

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 17:38

He knows.

so there are two options. He’s really in the shit or he earns a lot more than he wishes to let you know as you’d be furious at having to go back to work so fast.

I suggest the latter, he’s taking the piss.

Original poster
starwars14 · 22/01/2023 17:41

Thank you for the responses. To answer some questions. He pays for most of the food shopping, most of the mortgage (75%) and holidays/things for our daughter. He also paid for our cars. I pay for our bills, childcare bills and food shops. We have always had separate bank accounts - we just never got round to opening a joint one.

In terms of maternity leave, I had my DD during the pandemic which we did not plan. My DH could not work during that time but got some government support as he was classed as a small business. I went back to work early because we needed the money and my company were pressuring me to come back otherwise I could have been made redundant - I realise now how wrong that was of them!

The thing that gets me is that he is a self employed architect and I know he could earn a good wage going back into full time employment and it would create stability for us. I get frustrated when he comes home from a "hard day" and it turns out he spent 2 hours in Starbucks catching up with a friend rather than working....I have a suspicion that he is not earning what he could and would rather I did not know.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 22/01/2023 17:51

I get frustrated when he comes home from a "hard day" and it turns out he spent 2 hours in Starbucks catching up with a friend rather than working

He's taking the piss.

Be very careful with this one, OP.

JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 17:53

So thats why. He is not telling you because he can sneak around and maintain his independence and freedom without having you ask him to help out with chores or errands. If you don't know how much he earned, you don't know how much he worked, therefore you can't make demands on his time AND if he wants to splurge or something or someone, you would be non the wiser.

nc1013 · 22/01/2023 17:54

He always says not to worry, we have lots of money/savings......
*
*
.....I only got 8 weeks off on maternity leave before I had to go back to work due to finances.

How did that work??

Whatifitallgoesright · 22/01/2023 17:54

You need to discuss finances re having a child. You tell him you require 1 year maternity and you shouldn't have to decimate any savings you have, it should be a shared cost for a shared child so can he afford it?

amiold · 22/01/2023 18:00

Surely he had to submit this info for mortgage renewals etc?

Suzi888 · 22/01/2023 18:01

Bittercup · 22/01/2023 13:23

Would you be able to look him up on Companies House?

I thought that.

Yes, it’s odd that he doesn’t want you to know. Is he planning on stitching you up if you do leave?

junebirthdaygirl · 22/01/2023 18:03

My dh was self employed. I was never sure exactly how much money he earned but knew how much he could afford to pay into household while keeping some to keep the business afloat. Sounds like he is contributing fairly to household expenses so maybe approach it from a different angle.
Maybe suggest ye both make a will before deciding on a second child and look into the following:

Has he a pension?
Has he critical illness cover?
Are his tax affairs up to date as you don't want any surprise hits?
Has he a savings account and is there enough in it if his work runs dry for a few months?
How are ye going to finance maternity leave allowing you to take the full extent of it seeing you will have two dc then.
So take the focus for the moment off the end earnings and make sure all good financial things are in place. Maybe suggest sitting down with an advisor to make sure ye are not forgetting anything.
Are you sure the cars are both paid for? Any other loans?
I wouldn't mind about the friends/ coffee as he is flexible and l presume works extra when he gets busy.