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Original poster

35 and no sex for 14 years

62 replies

Yorkshirelass1987 · 21/01/2023 22:38

Hi, hope someone can help. I just need to know whether I am totally alone or whether anyone else out there has experienced what I am going through. I’ve been with my (now) husband 16 years and had sex a few times in the early days. We last had intercourse in 2009 and do not so anything foreplay-wise either. I have tried a lot of times and different methods but he says that he is just not into sex. I don’t want to sound naive but I can be very certain he’s not getting it anywhere else.

The thing is,, we are the best of friends, we parent well together and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else….. but I just can’t get his complete lack of sexual desire out of my head. I wonder what I am missing out on and genuinely whether it is healthy to go this long without any hanky panks!!!!!!!

Can anyone else out there relate please? Xxx

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/01/2023 22:42

You poor thing. Do you think you will stay together?

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 22:45

It doesn’t really seem like a relationship; its like you’re just friends- don’t waste your life

GoneToday · 21/01/2023 22:48

Ultimately, it’s your life and your decision but you are only 35 not 85 and you can have every reason to want a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse. If you want to split and get that sort of relationship, while still being friends and coparenting well with your H, then that is an option to you.

If you are both on the asexual spectrum and genuinely aren’t worried about sex and are happy with your life then that’s your call to continue as you are and make your peace with it.

Would he have medication or therapy to
increase his desires?

Or would you pursing an open sexual relationship outside of your marriage be an option for you ?

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/01/2023 22:50

A sexless marriage isn’t much of a marriage unless you are both happy with it. It isn’t normal and lots of people wouldn’t put up with it.

So it really comes down to how you feel about it.

SnowAndFrostOutside · 21/01/2023 22:53

it doesn’t matter what’s normal. Are you happy about the situation?

Watchkeys · 21/01/2023 23:23

genuinely whether it is healthy to go this long without any hanky panks

Why would it not be healthy?

If you're not happy, move on. It doesn't matter what other people are doing; you're not in their bedroom. You are in your bedroom, and if you have any self respect, ask him if he can provide what you'd like in your relationship, and if he won't/can't, then move on.

You need to take responsibility for your own situation, otherwise another 14 years will go by and you'll still be sat there wondering what next-door-but-one get up to after sundown.

LakeTiticaca · 21/01/2023 23:29

Is it possible he is gay? Or has ED and he's too embarrassed to say?
I think you need a long talk with him. I was single for 2 years in my early 30s and when I found myself a man I virtually ravaged him, so desperate was I for good rogering 😉😉

FlamingoElephant · 21/01/2023 23:36

Spike his drink with viagra?
I'm joking don't do that!
Must be really difficult though. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? I know you said it's not really into sex but maybe find a compromise and explain that you miss the intimacy with him.
I'm not much help but it sound's difficult so here's a hand hold.

TerrysNeapolitan · 21/01/2023 23:36

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SadButTheTruth · 21/01/2023 23:37

I don’t think it’s about whether it’s normal or if anyone else is going through, but whether you’re ok and happy with this. It sounds like you’re not, but you don’t say. Your DH has said he’s not bothered about it, but if you are, an honest conversation is the only way forward. Are you generally affectionate other than sex? Do you cuddle/hold hands/touch without being sexual? For some people this could be enough, but if it’s not for you, you’re going to have to say something before you get resentful of him. Good co-parenting is great but not the foundation for a strong marriage.

Comedycook · 21/01/2023 23:44

I'd have called it a day after a few months....why didn't you? It won't change. He won't change. It's up to you whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life...

IWineAndDontDine · 22/01/2023 00:04

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Well that's clearly a different situation. But you know that and wanted to have a pop for... what reason?

LadyLolaRuben · 22/01/2023 00:12

The best advice I ever got..."don't waste your moist years"

becksbee78 · 22/01/2023 00:23

I've been married for nearly 12 years..together over 20...haven't had sex or any naughtiness for 2 years in Dec just gone. We joke about it which makes it feel even less appealing....he's on meds that lower his libido but found out just this week that he has regular walks to keep his prostate healthy hmm

NocturnalClocks · 22/01/2023 00:25

OP this sounds quite odd, in that you've been together since you were 19, and the sex stopped only two years later yet you've tolerated this for 14 more years. How did this happen? Were you married very fast within two years of meeting then suddenly the sex stopped? If so, what changed at that time? Ir did you marry him after you'd already stopped having sex?

If you want advice on what could be going on here I think people will need more context as it seems very strange with the timeline, for it to suddenly stop so soon after you met.

If you just want to know what to do now then as people have said it depends if it bothers you. If you are a sexual person then you need to leave because this seems unlikely to change after so long. But then if it bothered you I don't think you'd have tolerated it for 14 years?

PeacefulPottering · 22/01/2023 00:28

Hanky Panks😱🤮I'm sorry, you lost me there.

goshdoyoumeantobsorude · 22/01/2023 00:29

I am 58 and DH 70 we have not had sex in about 4 years. Both quite happy with it to be honest. I sometimes wonder if we are missing out but not sure either of us want the courtship. We still m kiss and cuddle and love be each other.
I will self pleasure fairly frequently, I am happy with that.

Judgyjudgy · 22/01/2023 00:40

Sorry to hear this OP, I had a friend like this. We were quite shocked when she told us and I think there was a point where she was thinking of leaving him. That long to me indicates a problem, and especially since they never really started. 10 years have passed since Ive worked with her, but we remain fb friends; she's still with him, I think they were good friends so I guess this is why they're still together. If you're unhappy you should leave, you're still young and life is short.

altes · 22/01/2023 00:46

How old is he?
Would he like to be more interested?
Can you pinpoint when things changed?
Have you discussed your needs and how they might be met?
Have you made it clear that you would like an intimate relationship?

I'm sorry you are going through this, something needs to change so that you can both be happy. You have many years ahead of you together, it doesn't have to continue this way.

pigwood · 22/01/2023 00:54

I've no had sex since 2008 with my husband by his choice ( we have extremely stressful lives parenting a very severely medically and physically handicapped child ) I really struggled for a few years, feeling undesired and missing sex but I'm over it now. I wouldn't leave him over it as we are very happy together. It just depends if you are happy writing that part of your life off or not . Hard to walk away when the relationship works in every other way isn't it !

StarCourt · 22/01/2023 00:59

op what do you want?

butterfliedtwo · 22/01/2023 01:03

I couldn't do that barring some illness and certainly not at 35.

Underminer · 22/01/2023 01:11

I left a sexless marriage. It nearly broke me emotionally but it was the best thing to do. It suited him, it did not suit me. We are still friends because of our child, but I have remarried and have a much happier life.

Whadda · 22/01/2023 01:11

What age is/are your child/ren?

Zanatdy · 22/01/2023 05:20

I couldn’t be in a relationship / marriage without sex. Not because I couldn’t live without sex, I was single for 12yrs until recently when I’ve met someone and enjoying having a sexual relationship again. But because for me sex is what differentiates a relationship from a friendship. Of course excluding any illness meaning it’s not possible but even then you can still kiss / cuddle. I personally wouldn’t stay in the relationship as you can be happy on your own or with someone else. I mean you could try talking to him again about it but sounds like it won’t lead to any change