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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

35 and no sex for 14 years

62 replies

Yorkshirelass1987 · 21/01/2023 22:38

Hi, hope someone can help. I just need to know whether I am totally alone or whether anyone else out there has experienced what I am going through. I’ve been with my (now) husband 16 years and had sex a few times in the early days. We last had intercourse in 2009 and do not so anything foreplay-wise either. I have tried a lot of times and different methods but he says that he is just not into sex. I don’t want to sound naive but I can be very certain he’s not getting it anywhere else.

The thing is,, we are the best of friends, we parent well together and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else….. but I just can’t get his complete lack of sexual desire out of my head. I wonder what I am missing out on and genuinely whether it is healthy to go this long without any hanky panks!!!!!!!

Can anyone else out there relate please? Xxx

OP posts:
Mirroredlove · 22/01/2023 05:23

You poor thing, that’s horrible. You need a converter with him to change it if you’re not happy, if you don’t want to leave each other maybe opening the relationship up will work for you both?

JustKittenAround · 22/01/2023 05:32

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GelPens1 · 22/01/2023 06:14

You’ve not had sex since you were 21? How old is he? It sounds like he wanted to marry his best friend to hide the fact he’s gay/asexual. I would’ve left after a few months, never mind 14 years! You’ve wasted your entire youth on him.

subtoprem · 22/01/2023 06:29

becksbee78 · 22/01/2023 00:23

I've been married for nearly 12 years..together over 20...haven't had sex or any naughtiness for 2 years in Dec just gone. We joke about it which makes it feel even less appealing....he's on meds that lower his libido but found out just this week that he has regular walks to keep his prostate healthy hmm

Is walking good for the prostate?

Angela59 · 22/01/2023 06:37

Ok it’s not normal, that said I did go without for five years so I can’t criticise. Most of what needs to be said has been said
I’d rather encourage you by saying good things are round the corner trust me on this and once you’ve had your eyes opened you’ll wonder why you didn’t start years ago.
There are two types of men, those that can and those that can’t x

BananaSpeel · 22/01/2023 06:39

Jealous tbh

Summerlark · 22/01/2023 06:39

I think she substituted an "l" for an "n". Otherwise, I'd be herding my husband who has had prostate cancer treatment out of the house right now for a bracing 5 mile walk!

Dom1990 · 22/01/2023 06:46

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LolaMoon · 22/01/2023 06:48

Partner has had life changing illness and can no longer do the deed. Does not invalidate our marriage. I assure you we are FAR FROM happy with it. THINK before you post

But her partner doesnt have a life changing illness so this is completely irrelevant to the discussion isnt it? The OP's partner doesnt WANT to have sex, its not that he cannot due to illness so these two situations are nowhere near the same at all.

I couldnt stay in a marriage where my partner never wanted sex with me- not only do I have a high sex drive but it would also make me feel incredibly unattractive and unloved. Dont get to old age and then regret the amazing relationship you could have had.

Bournetilly · 22/01/2023 07:35

How old are your children? Did you have them very soon after meeting?

DivorcingEU · 22/01/2023 07:36

I can relate. I have found it soul destroying - although mine didn't say he wasn't into it, he used to pin the blame for not being into it on me, saying he did actually want it, but I didn't make him "feel welcome" when he arrived home after work and a whole host of other BS that I believed for years.

It doesn't matter though if you are alone or not. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If yes, no problem. If no you are incompatible.

While forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to has (rightly) a name and a stigma and is recognised as damaging to the victim, preventing someone sexual from having a sex life for years is also hurtful and can destroy the person. It's can also be a deep form of control, with lines like "You're breaking the family up for sex" trotted out, as though sex is some optional extra that nobody needs. Actually some people need just sex, and some need the physical intimacy that comes with it.

You don't get this time back.

For me it's a non negotiable and I'd never have married him if I knew he was like this. Just as I wouldn't have married a man who was gay.

It's your life, think about what works for you. No options are off the table.

BunchHarman · 22/01/2023 08:13

This sounds unbelievably miserable and abnormal.

JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 08:16

I don't understand what you mean by is it healthy to go this long without sex, there are healthy people who never have sex. There are people who get so down without sex for a year. Everyone is different. You need to think about yourself and your family and what is the best for you.

JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 08:21

How can you be certain he's not getting it elsewhere? Are you with him 24/7?
How old is he? Is he on medication that lowers libido?

Watchkeys · 22/01/2023 08:27

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JosephJoseph · 22/01/2023 08:36

@TerrysNeapolitan sounds like this has touched a raw nerve for you and no doubt many readers. To be fair, @Luredbyapomegranate did say 'if you're both happy with it'
We have @BananaSpeel who says she (?) is jealous of no sex for 14 years so...!

Joey69 · 22/01/2023 08:36

Yorkshirelass1987 · 21/01/2023 22:38

Hi, hope someone can help. I just need to know whether I am totally alone or whether anyone else out there has experienced what I am going through. I’ve been with my (now) husband 16 years and had sex a few times in the early days. We last had intercourse in 2009 and do not so anything foreplay-wise either. I have tried a lot of times and different methods but he says that he is just not into sex. I don’t want to sound naive but I can be very certain he’s not getting it anywhere else.

The thing is,, we are the best of friends, we parent well together and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else….. but I just can’t get his complete lack of sexual desire out of my head. I wonder what I am missing out on and genuinely whether it is healthy to go this long without any hanky panks!!!!!!!

Can anyone else out there relate please? Xxx

It’s clearly normal for him, but certainly not normal for “most men”, ( how old is he , & ever had a testosterone level check?, might be worth it )

he could be gay, asexual or just see sex for reproduction not pleasure, after 14 years I don’t think this will change, you are probably looking at Divorce or open relationship if you want sex

UnfinishedBusiness · 22/01/2023 08:54

Is he asexual op? If so he was massively unfair to marry you without explaining that first. You should have been able to make the decision to marry and have children with him knowing all the facts. He’s a bit of a selfish shit if that’s the case, clearly not considering your needs and preferences at all.

It’s irrelevant really what other people’s marriages look like, it’s what you want and need that is the main thing here. The very fact you wrote this post suggests you aren’t happy with the situation. I think you need to decide if you can live this way forever. You’re young, and could find someone else who suits you better to meet all your needs if you can’t continue to live like this. Or discuss with him having a more open relationship, to allow you to see other people. Just because he’s not bothered doesn’t mean you have to go without.

LaPerduta · 22/01/2023 10:45

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Why do people write posts like this?

It's akin to someone on the Style and Beauty board saying, "How DARE people post about buying sandals? I lost all but one of my toes in a freak roller-skating accident in 1987. Idiots!"

Warrensrabbit · 22/01/2023 11:23

Yes. I can relate. I’ve just posted another thread to say I have finally decided to leave my partner of 8 years after 5 years of no intimacy. I am not talking low sex drive, but he hasn’t touched me in 5 years.

every time our circumstances changed I found myself making excuses for him- when he changed jobs he must be tired, then he moved in with me and was it affecting his self esteem, and then was Covid making him anxious…the list goes on.

a close friend (the only one who knows) recommended that I push him to go to the GP or couples councilling, but you know what? after 5 years of him allowing my self esteem to take a battering and him not taking any initiative I can’t take it anymore.

I am not prepared to spend the next decade celibate for him. I am not prepared to give up kissing, sex or intimacy for the prime of my life. I can’t do it.

It is so so tough OP. I think more of us go through it than you realise. But no one should put a requirement on you to be celibate. It’s not fair.

I would never cheat on my partner. I feel like he’s left me no choice.

becksbee78 · 22/01/2023 11:48

🤣🤣🤣

Probably the funniest typo

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 22/01/2023 13:04

If its an issue for you the only answer is to leave if your husband isn't interested. You're young. I'm in my 40s and both me and my now dp were single without sex for nearly a decade. We have health issues so sex is much harder than it was in our 30s for both of us. Personally I think life is too short to go without sex if you want sex. It tends to dwindle in later years but you don't want to regret the years you could have spent having decent sex.

parlourb · 22/01/2023 20:28

Judgyjudgy · 22/01/2023 00:40

Sorry to hear this OP, I had a friend like this. We were quite shocked when she told us and I think there was a point where she was thinking of leaving him. That long to me indicates a problem, and especially since they never really started. 10 years have passed since Ive worked with her, but we remain fb friends; she's still with him, I think they were good friends so I guess this is why they're still together. If you're unhappy you should leave, you're still young and life is short.

👋

parlourb · 26/01/2023 21:04

@Judgyjudgy just noticed the completely random wave emoji I quoted you with . Sorry !

jtaeapa · 26/01/2023 21:11

It sounds like a situation where it would be acceptable to have an affair. I don't say that lightly - it seems like OP has kids who presumably are happy with their mum and dad. An affair seems a better option than breaking up her kids home for the sole reason of sex.

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