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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

40 years together

72 replies

DebbieJays · 21/01/2023 11:37

Oh boy! I have been with my husband for over 40 years, 5 grown up children, 9 grandchildren. Found out in Oct 21 that when him and his mates went to Portugal on golf trips, they were all regularly using prostitutes. I found out because of a WhatsApp msg husband sent to one of his golf mates. (Wasn't snooping, was a genuine stumble over) Anyway, he admitted it - has been going on since 2016. I have been trying to work through it and stay together, but I keep finding out little extra snippets, that he had withheld from me, when I had asked if there was anything else. Other than the actual betrayal, he has since lied to me on at least another 4 occasions about facts that I had asked and he denied. I am fed up with this - should I say enough is enough and divorce him? I always trusted him implicitly and I have been 100% faithful. We met when I was 13 years old and married when I was 18. I am absolutely devastated, he is all I have ever known and I am petrified of starting out on my own, but he does not deserve me. Second to this, do I tell the other wives? So far I have kept quiet, I do have proof btw. Opinions welcome.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/01/2023 11:42

I would leave him and when someone asks, tell them the truth. What a sleazy bastard he is.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/01/2023 11:43

I think you will find that you just want to divorce him and it will become less of a decision to make - you will just go that way. Multiple prostitutes? That is gross. I am sure you don't want to go near him now.

You have a large family and hopefully friends to support you during the upheaval. You are presumably only 58, young enough to have the energy to make a new start, or just a different start 😊.

What were the four other things he lied about?😒

SirWalterElliot · 21/01/2023 11:44

If I've worked this out right, you're mid 50s. You probably have around 30 more years left - do you want to spend them with this man? Only you know the answer to this. I think if it was me I'd certainly get all the paperwork together and see a solicitor to get a picture of how things might look for me if I got divorced - knowledge is power. (My personal opinion is LTB but obviously that's going on very little info)

As for telling the other wives... Very difficult. I'd want to know, but I guess some people wouldn't. How well do you know them?

I'm sorry he's put you through this 💐

SirWalterElliot · 21/01/2023 11:45

I meant 30 more years left together!

IsThePopeCatholic · 21/01/2023 11:49

I would leave. Take charge of your own destiny and don’t wait for this sleazebag to decide to tell you the full story. He’s obviously totally lacking in respect for you - and women in general, by the sounds of it. You’ve got your kids and grandchildren; you don’t need him. Enjoy the future!

Dodecaheidyin · 21/01/2023 11:57

Take your time to think about it. See a solicitor, find out what your share will be. Start picturing your own place, how you'll have it, the food you like to eat, the places you'd like to go, the people you'd like to spend time with.

Having come out of a 30 year relationship (albeit abusive), I can tell you there is a very good life without a man in it. Especially one you will never trust again (mine too was a cheat).

With regards to telling the other wives, when I was 99% sure my then husband was cheating I would have been extremely grateful to have someone tell me, because it was never going to come from him. You have the evidence, give them the information, it's up to them what they do with it.

Flowers
Want2beme · 21/01/2023 12:00

I think you'll want to divorce. He has been lying to you and you've found out. He hasn't actually admitted it, has he.

When the other wives ask what happened between you, you could tell them and they can decide what they want to do with that info.

So sorryFlowers

KnickerlessParsons · 21/01/2023 12:03

Leave. And tell the other wives why before they ask. "Hey, thought I'd let you know that I've decided to leave DH because I found out he's been using prostitutes on the golf trips for the last 8 years".

purpledalmation · 21/01/2023 12:07

I would get a test for STDs and HPV and split with him. I couldn't bear to be with someone who did this.

Freeme31 · 21/01/2023 12:10

If i was the other wife id want to know - they/you could have an STD (life threatening if left unchecked) You deserve better & will never look at him the same - Get rid of the entitled asshole!

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/01/2023 12:14

Oh op, I’m so sorry. What a shit the man is. I would see a lawyer and divorce him - the disrespect and lying would kill it for me, never mind the actual cheating. I would consider telling the other wives, yes, if it was me I would want to know (well, a few years ago it was me, and I wish I had been told).

growgrowinggrown · 21/01/2023 12:15

You've essentially let him know you can turn a blind eye to using prostitutes. If you can't then you need to leave as he won't stop, he'll just get better at hiding it.

Do you have daughters? Granddaughters? I wonder how he would feel at someone buying their consent?

Bestcatmum · 21/01/2023 12:19

God that's just so hard OP, your lifelong memories are with this man. I divorced my husband after 20 years for a similar thing and that was awful. I thought he was the love of my life and all of my happy memories were with him and of him.
It was devastating to walk away because of that but I did because all of a sudden I didn't know who I was married to.
I think only you can decide whether you want to weather the storm and forgive or not.
But he has betrayed you and your entire family.

2bazookas · 21/01/2023 12:26

You need to get checked for sexually transmitted diseases ASAP . Even if you haven't noticed any symptoms (or misattributed little issues to menopause/middle age).

I'd then inform all
his mates wives and partners they need to do the same and why.

As he's a lying cheating selfish scumbag you can't trust any "promises" he always wore a condom. No doubt he's already trotted out the excuse he was drunk.

abigailsnan · 21/01/2023 12:28

I'm afraid I would show him the door quick smart,get all your paper work in order and book an appointment at a solicitor as soon as he is not trustworthy at all,what else has he hidden from you over the years ?
As to telling the other wives I would tell them if they asked the reason why,some of them may not indulged so be careful who you may upset.
I would be looking to a new future for the next 30+ yrs and show the bastard what he will be missing.
Get to an STI clinic and get checked out asap and keep away from him he could be carrying anything dormant that he has picked up over the years.
My heart goes out to you

Uppingham · 21/01/2023 12:31

I’m very sorry this has happened. It’s unbelievable. No one can tell you what to do. We don’t know your circumstances. I can only say that I would leave him if it were my husband. I would also be thinking it was an odd thing to do at this stage of life and would wonder if he had cheated/abused other women all through the marriage. His friends obviously have No morals either. The messenger often gets shot so I would go with the advice already given - tell the wives why you’ve left your husband. They’ll put two and two together if they want to but can also turn a blind eye if they can’t face it.

2bazookas · 21/01/2023 12:33

Second to this, do I tell the other wives? So far I have kept quiet, I do have proof btw

You must tell them because they need to get STD checks NOW and protect their health . Some of them may still be of childbearing age :-(

They need to know what their partners have been doing in case they are making wills. legal and retirement plans that need to be radically changed.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 21/01/2023 12:36

A short factual message to the other wives, such as:

"I wanted to let you know first that I'm divorcing H due to him using prostitutes on his golfing holidays with your H.
I have proof that it wasn't just him and you will want to get your sexual health checked out (if you don't know about this already).
I've no interest in whether anyone else from the group also separates or stays married; your relationship is yours to decide upon, however I knew you'd find out eventually the reason for our separation and didn't want you to potentially be angry with me in the future for not sharing this devastating betrayal of our marriages and our health.
I'm hear to talk if you need me. X"

You also will probably need to speak to your children about this as information like this won't stay quiet for long and it's better they hear it from you than a gossipy neighbour.

So sorry this has happened to you.

ArcticSkewer · 21/01/2023 12:37

That's very grim, I'm very sorry.

You actually will be fine, this is probably the worst part now, believe it or not!

You may never learn everything that he did but you know enough already to shatter your image of your life together, past and present. Don't allow this to tarnish all the wonderful memories you have of your family times, your children, your life. But start making changes so the next set of memories is just about the people around you that you can trust to have your back

Bestcatmum · 21/01/2023 12:47

I could forgive an affair more than this. It can be hard being monogamous for an entire lifetime, but prostitutes? I could never forgive that. It's repulsive.
The sad thing is you will mourn this marriage more than him.
The men in this situation usually get fixed up with someone new pretty much straight away and carry on where they left off with you. Leaving the ex wife to feel devastated.

Nelly10 · 21/01/2023 12:51

Leave divorce him.

And definitely tell the other wives.

Absolute scumbags.

Good luck op 💐

KangarooKenny · 21/01/2023 12:53

Yes, I’d tell the other wives as you all need STI tests.
And yes, end it.

absolutelyincandescentwithrage · 21/01/2023 13:00

Something similar happened to a good friend of mine at a similar age to you. They limped on for a year or so (I was surprised and appalled she took him back), but one morning she was walking the dogs on the beach and just had a lightbulb moment that she wanted rid of him straight away. Nearly ten years later she's thriving. And you will too.

nutherwun · 21/01/2023 13:28

Sad bastards.

It's not uncommon, unfortunately. The internet makes it way too easy for them. If they had to rely on phone numbers written in the men's toilets or printed in men's magazines I don't think many of them would meet prostitutes.

A resounding yes to telling all the other wives because this 'hobby' must be stopped from becoming normalised.

theseangeldelights · 21/01/2023 13:49

You need to divorce him because not only is he a sleaze, he is also monumentally stupid for typing anything on a message that could incriminate him. @DebbieJays

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