40 years together

[DebbieJays]

Oh boy! I have been with my husband for over 40 years, 5 grown up children, 9 grandchildren. Found out in Oct 21 that when him and his mates went to Portugal on golf trips, they were all regularly using prostitutes. I found out because of a WhatsApp msg husband sent to one of his golf mates. (Wasn't snooping, was a genuine stumble over) Anyway, he admitted it - has been going on since 2016. I have been trying to work through it and stay together, but I keep finding out little extra snippets, that he had withheld from me, when I had asked if there was anything else. Other than the actual betrayal, he has since lied to me on at least another 4 occasions about facts that I had asked and he denied. I am fed up with this - should I say enough is enough and divorce him? I always trusted him implicitly and I have been 100% faithful. We met when I was 13 years old and married when I was 18. I am absolutely devastated, he is all I have ever known and I am petrified of starting out on my own, but he does not deserve me. Second to this, do I tell the other wives? So far I have kept quiet, I do have proof btw. Opinions welcome.

OP - how has he behaved since it all came to light?
I don’t mean his coming up with details of what happens - on that I can understand people try to minimise and not talk too much about it.
I mean in general - has he been remorseful, apologised, tried to make you feel better, tried to do what you needed?

I do think it’s hard to untangle this long a marriage, especially of this was your only ever relationship. And it all involved kids and grandkids.

What is your financial situation - what would life look like if you divorce?

No one starts using prostitutes at 50.

Bide your time and take calm measured decisions at the right time for you.

Invest in a good therapist to support your MH through this and speak to a lawyer.

He's a sleazy git. Don't waste any more of your life on this man, get yourself out there and start a brand new life for yourself, one that doesn't involve a man who shags prostitutes and tells lies.

Just to reinforce what someone said upthread, if you are going to stay with him - and the ball is in your court - he needs to treat you like a goddess. If he thinks he's going to lose you then he might - just might - come to his senses and realise what he's got, and how he must behave in order to keep it. I know a couple who have moved on from him having an affair and now he appears to worship her, and I'm sure he'll never stray again. If he did she would take him for every penny. So it is possible to move on, but he has to be very, very sorry. Sounds like your DH isn't at that stage yet.

Please tell me you haven't had sex with this man since the prostitutes. Please OP go get an STD test. What a vile bastard.

You have been married a long time and are convinced you need him but you don't. It will be very hard to divorce him but staying is ridiculous he cannot have his cake then keep eating cake.

I'm so sorry you have found this out the way you have. You poor thing. I hope your kids can support you to get out.

My heart breaks for you @DebbieJays what an absolute scum bag.

If you are on Facebook have a look for groups in your area that are older women who are the victims of adultery/cheating. There are definitely groups out there that will tell you everything you need to know about divorcing after 40 years married, they will support you when you feel that you can't do it, they'll know exactly how hard it will be! They have meet ups and support groups your life has been turned upside down. it's not going to be easy and you will crave the comfort you have/had but please think of yourself and what you deserve.

What he did is inexcusable. Unforgivable. He would have gone to his grave with that if you hadn't of found out. He and all his scummy mates deserve their worlds turned upside down and forever as damaged as what he's done to you.

Dear OP, first of all I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be devastating, painful and confusing. Regarding your question, whether or not to leave him, I can only say, you are the only person who can answer it. I know many women who stayed with their partners, but know many who left too. If you are asking how we would feel and what we would do if we were in your shoes, this is my answer.

The moment I found out that he cheated would be when I would end it. I would not care about why, when, how many etc. I see that it hurts you that he continues to lie, but I do not understand why. He is a liar and a cheat, he betrayed your trust the first time he had sex or even thought about having sex with another women. I would never be able to trust that man again, I would not be able to live under the same roof and especially go to the same bed or god forbid, be intimate with that man.

I hope this helps some. Take care of yourself OP. Love yourself more then you love anyone else at this moment. You will get through this.💕

Thank you for your help. Sadly further information he has now owned up to first committing adult less than 3 years into our marriage. Plus other prostitutes for over 10 years. I can't do this any longer, my whole marriage was a lie. I am going to grieve its loss forever x

get an STD check

Speak to a solicitor first. Before you tell your husband you’re considering divorcing him.

rally around family and friends for support.

think carefully how things will pan out financially for you.
make an informed decision about how to move forward.

OP, I'm so sorry. You should definitely leave and I don't blame you for being scared, but he is not worth staying for. I would normally say to leave it, but I do think the other wives deserve to know. I don't know why, but I feel the whole thing of going on trips and using prostitutes quite disgusting so I think they should know. It's a tough one as maybe some might not want to know. I guess you could tell the wives what has happened and leave it up to them to then enquire further. So sorry OP. You deserve much better than this

I just read your update, so sorry op. Have you told anyone in real life who can support you?

What a repulsive human he is. Fucking disgusting

For a relationship to really work and mend from infidelity there needs to be full and honest disclosure. Without this you will never be able to heal, you will doubt everything he says, and it will eat away and erode your relationship. I know this, I stayed for 3 years and it eroded not only the relationship, but also my self esteem. I was a very different person 3 years after my discovery, and not in a good way.

You have years in front of you, you can still build a different, happy life for yourself full off good genuine relationships and fulfilment.

As for telling the other wives, I didn't tell my ex ow husband, but I wish I had.

What a terrible shock, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. How old is he?

Gosh, I'm so so sorry. It must feel like your whole world has been completely blown apart. 💐

[Flowers]

Gather all evidence
Move half the savings in to your own account
Find all paperwork relating to pensions, bank accounts and the house
Go and see a solicitor
Sort out your finances
Then tell all the other wives

I know it's hard after all this time op but I would be finding a shit hot lawyer right now and get some advice. The betrayal and lying is just hideous and there's no coming back from it. He will be aware that now he has admitted it, you may be initiating divorce proceedings, so please get copies of all important financial documents such as mortgage, pension details, insurance, earnings, passport etc. And think about how you are going to present this to the family?Are you going to keep his secrets for him or not? Gather friends around you and get some rl support and do some research about a good divorce lawyer today. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you need to suspend emotion for the moment and act with a clear head. Good luck.

I am so sorry to hear this OP.

It may not feel like it now, but you will come out of this stronger and happier. He is not the man you thought he was.

I would find out absolutely everything about his and shared finances and I would take him to the cleaners. He would rue the day.

Oh @DebbieJays 💐

I'm very sorry that he has turned out not to be the man you thought all these years. This must feel worse than a death.

Please remember that this is his shame, not yours. Don't feel embarrassed. Lean on family and friends and tell them the truth. These aren't your secrets and you don't have any obligation whatsoever to keep them for him. He will make you feel like you are doing a terrible thing to him by telling other people; you are not. Making the decision not to conceal his actions (by being open with family and friends) is a neutral act. It was his choice to behave the way he has that will lead to whatever consequences he has to face; not your decision to not cover it up.

He will likely try and make you feel silly for blowing this all up out of proportion. You're not silly. You're not blowing it up out of proportion. That's called gaslighting.

I would tell the other wives. That doesn't mean you need to be an agony aunt to them. It's fine to message them all, with the proof, and then walk away.

Be warned that he has all the hallmarks of a man who is going to be an absolute bastard in a divorce. Get an extremely good solicitor who has a strong background in representing women and achieving excellent settlements. Get copies of everything (bank statements, pensions, assets, investments etc) and line up a solicitor before you tell him your intention to divorce. You need every advantage you can get so give yourself a head start.

I'm so, so sorry that he has done this to you. You said in your OP "he doesn't deserve me". No he does not. Never forget it. You have decades of life ahead of you to enjoy your children and grandchildren, to carve out a life that's built around your hobbies and doing things you value and love. You won't always feel the way you feel now.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jf2CC73eKqk

You will likely go through this devastating emotional process.

Please seek professional support as this will rock you for years to come.

You are not alone. There are many women who have found themselves in this exact situation.

Do not let shame or fear keep you isolated. Sunlight is the best disinfectant - tell your family and friends in your own time. Find a support group online for women who have been through this.

I’m so sorry @DebbieJays
I have to say I had been wondering if it was inky that recent seeing how easy it is fir him to lie. I’m really gutted fir you. I was hoping my gut feelings were all wrong 😢😢

I think you know which direction to go now but if you can, take your time and do things at your own speed. Go and see a solicitor etc…
But more importantly, remember that it’s ok to grieve. It’s not just your husband, a man you loved and trusted that you’ve lost. It’s also 40 years of living together, a life that you thought was good and has now been ripped apart by being different than you thought.

Btw I agree about telling people, starting with your dcs, family etc…
You dont have to tell the other wife but can certainly tell them your (ex?)DH cheated whilst away in golf hols. They can make their own conclusions.