40 years together

[DebbieJays]

Oh boy! I have been with my husband for over 40 years, 5 grown up children, 9 grandchildren. Found out in Oct 21 that when him and his mates went to Portugal on golf trips, they were all regularly using prostitutes. I found out because of a WhatsApp msg husband sent to one of his golf mates. (Wasn't snooping, was a genuine stumble over) Anyway, he admitted it - has been going on since 2016. I have been trying to work through it and stay together, but I keep finding out little extra snippets, that he had withheld from me, when I had asked if there was anything else. Other than the actual betrayal, he has since lied to me on at least another 4 occasions about facts that I had asked and he denied. I am fed up with this - should I say enough is enough and divorce him? I always trusted him implicitly and I have been 100% faithful. We met when I was 13 years old and married when I was 18. I am absolutely devastated, he is all I have ever known and I am petrified of starting out on my own, but he does not deserve me. Second to this, do I tell the other wives? So far I have kept quiet, I do have proof btw. Opinions welcome.

Ew. Leave. You have a few decades left still. You don't want to spend them in the shadow of this selfish, sleazy, misogynist. Get a very very good lawyer who specialises in ensuring women get an excellent settlement. Not just any old high street lawyer. Shop around. He will turn nasty on you, so be prepared.

I would leave him as he won't change. Just focus on you.and for telling the other wives, I would tell them because it doesn't sit with my conscious and would love rock those bastards boat.

If you didn't have this knowledge would you want to leave him? I suppose that's the same as asking if you felt ready to leave before you found out.

If the answer is no, then I would think carefully about how far you can forgive him. Was it peer pressure, a deliberate intention, or what? I'm not saying that anything makes it excusable, but some things might bother you more than others. If you were already unhappy, this could well be the final straw - for many people this straw on its own would break the camel's back. OTOH, many couples live happily enough as housemates without being involved in one another's lives. If you've known for a couple of years and are still there, maybe the solution is to stay put, where you have your home and support networks in place) and do likewise. You could still eat together and so on, but not be a couple in a meaningful sense. Whether you want to agree to an open marriage is up to you - that side of things is obviously very personal and differs from person to person - but I feel that it should be you who calls the shots.

As for the other wives - are you friends with them? I'm normally a firm believer in staying out of other people's relationships, as you don't know what impact your revelations might have. In this case yes, STIs are a possibility, which muddies the waters, but I would tread carefully if you don't know the people concerned, and tentatively if you do.

Why did he continue to lie to you after you discovered the betrayal @DebbieJays ? Were those lies related to your discovery or was he lying about other things?

Definitely leave before you end up caring for him in his old age.

Tell everyone who asks why you LTB.

100% related to the discovery. Although the lies could be considered minor......example...(when did you last call Sonia (one of the prostitute)........2021.......turns out it was just a few days earlier!) Out of anger, I rang her (number on his old phone) she said what her name was (Fernanda) with her foreign accent I thought she said Amanda. So I asked him who is Amanda? He denied knowing any, but 'Amanda ' called me several times protesting she was not 'Sonia'. He then told me eventually Fernanda was Sonia real name, but because of all the lies, I think it may be a different prostitute that I didn't know about whereas I did know about Sonia. Yes I am sure they have aliases, but when I asked him who was Amanda, why has it taken him 3 weeks to come up with an explanation? I never used to be suspicious but now I doubt everything I am told. He thinks I should get over it by now, but it is the most devastating thing I have ever been through- worse than the death of my mum. I hate living like this, but I feel almost institutionalised by 40 years together. I feel if this was when I was in my 30's, it would have been easier to walk away.

You can't live like this OP, you will completely lose your self respect. How will you feel 10 years down the line, living with a man like this who obviously has no regard for your self worth?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine how awful it must feel after being with someone for so long. But you are worth so much more.

You can walk away, you have so much more power than you think 💪 You can do it. Show him how strong you are and make him regret losing you.

You've given it a shot, it didn't work. I think it would be reasonable to walk away. Do you want to spend another 4 years wondering ?
He'll probably want to make it work because it's going to cost him to split I.e sale of property / pension / other savings & assets.
Boo hoo.

It'll cost both parties to split though. If the OP is able to carve out a separate life without having to downsize massively and potentially split her own pension/savings she might be better off doing so. Walking away after 40 years is massively expensive and I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to look towards getting older in reduced circumstances.

Leave him you deserve so much better as someone who’s partner cheated regularly with prostitutes he got some sort of thrill out of it! Leave him I got a thrill of him seeing me walk and be happy

He thinks I should get over it by now

WTAF!!
He thinks it's no big deal. Well you'll never be able to reconcile because what this has done to you personally (the trauma!), your bond together, your trust... Can't be repaired if he's oblivious/ down-playing it/ doesn't care.

To him it was just part of a mates trip, golf, beers in the bar, room service, a shag, sea view... So what.
He thinks you should accept holiday sex as not being worth upsetting the apple cart over, just part of life.
Almost like he expects next time he goes you could add condoms to the shopping list alongside sun lotion and ear plugs. 😱
To you it's a betrayal of the deepest kind.

You can't square that circle and you'll go mad trying.
You could become house mates so you don't have to dismantle the lifestyle you've built together, but you've a long life ahead and that's a bit grim.
People are often economically trapped with the person they are with, I hope that's not you and you have options.

You could well end up being his full time carer if you remain with him.

He thinks you should be over this by now?!!!. What a guy!. He is showing no remorse whatsoever. You are indeed worth so much more.

Even now you have a choice to walk away if this is what you want to do and if you were my mother I'd be advising you to now find a lawyer.

Would you want your now adult children to remain in such a marriage regardless of how old they are?. No and they would advise you similarly if you were to tell them. I presume they do not know.

The further lying is him wrapping himself up in knots trying damage limitation. Hypothetically, supposing he said to you that he had visited four different prostitutes on four different occasions. You'll assume that is the truth. Why would he lie, right? Except the truth might be that he's met say ten different prostitutes on twenty occasions. That would mean he has re-visited at least one. This is a hypothetical - not suggesting he has - but in his mind there's some things he thinks you'd be more cross at so that is why he's lying about timings and names.

I would tell the other wives when or if they ask you about your reasons for leaving. I wouldn't go out of my way unless you know them really well and that they would want you to. I've seen so many threads on here where women are told to mind their own business and not tell other women that their partners/husbands are cheating. I would be wary of being the messenger.

You will still have your children and grandchildren. Also if you are doing all the cleaning, cooking and caring type jobs do you really want to do that for this man?

They are basically like little boys in the candy store. When they were little they couldn't just take what candy they wanted. They had to play by the rules and wait for Mummy to buy the candy for them. Then, one day, the candy store got a webpage and the boys realised that they didn't have to play by the rules any more as it was easy to secretly buy candy without Mummy knowing.
Golf trips and the like are when all the little boys get together and pretend to be men. I've been on corporate do's and it's easy to spot prostitutes in hotel bars once you know what you're looking for. And I'm saying that as a woman. I've also seen the behaviour of supposedly mature married business men when they have drinks in the bar of the hotel after conferences etc.
Going with a prostitute is never about sex. It is about power and it is about the little boy's (damaged) ego.
@DebbieJays he is doubtless not the same person you met when you were a teenager. He has probably changed over the years but you didn't notice. It is telling that you say you feel institutionalised. You were happily carrying on like nothing had changed yet he was secretly changing behind your back. If you want to stay in your marriage then he needs to show complete remorse and he needs to do everything in his power to make you happy. He needs to realise how much this has devastated you and that you won't ever be quite the same again.

He thinks I should get over it by now

If cheating with prostitution behind your back over such a long period is not reason enough to leave him this should be

How can he possibly expect you to be over it by now? The fact he's minimising and making you feel like you're in the wrong is a massive red flag. He should be full of regret, grovelling and making you all the promises in the world

IF you decide to stay with him, this is him setting precedent that he doesn't want it to be brought up again. You should suck it up and sweep it under the carpet like a good wee wife.

In reality if you were willing to work through it, he should be willing to spend the rest of his life giving you all the reassurance and love you need.

The reason he's continuing to be an absolute prick is that he knows you're not going anywhere. He needs a proper wake up call and needs to feel the fear of losing you and all his friends and family knowing exactly why

Your view on this is very balanced and sensible, I have alot to reflect on and thankyou for not being judgemental of either of us. I loved him so much but maybe not enough to be able to move on from this with him. I am devastated 😢

I am with my dh 41 years, so similar to you op. I would be kicking his disgusting arse out the door and letting the other wives know too, they can decide themselves what to do with the information.

Leave him and start a new life

The devastation must be huge op. 😢
I hope you have some real life support.

OP What do you want to do? I realise that finding this out must have been a Godalmighty shock.
Do you think you could continue to live with him in the same house but not together ?
Think of yourself here.. your comfort and your lifestyle which will almost certainly have to change if you split.
Perhaps see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand.
For the record if he knows the real name of the prostitute he has been seeing then she will be a regular and not a 'one off'
Good luck

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My Mum is in a very similar situation with my Dad, they've been together nearly 50 years. It's also completely turned her world upside down.

It's ruined their marriage and no amount of time will fix it. They're still together but it's not a happy environment, he's a very angry and bitter man. It all seems to be about him, his needs, his feelings and he refuses to take responsibility. I don't think she's actually had the chance to think and process her own feelings.

Being with somebody for such a long time makes everything more difficult, it's a complete mix of emotions, your lives are so intertwined and you expect to know them and be respected by them. I don't think my Mum quite knows what to do, or how to process it, it's almost like she's in shock. I also think the thought of separating, loosing her home and the uncertainty of it all, just seems too much and so unfair.

It's hard to watch and not get involved, I support her and I reassure her that she can take that step but ultimately it's her decision. I know she'd be happier without him.

Take time for yourself to process this, whatever you decide is up to you but don't blame yourself and don't settle, you deserve happiness!

If you tell the other wives what their husbands have been doing there's a chance you might at least find some real life support. Speaking from experience, when infidelity involves prostitutes, people just don't want to get involved. They don't want to know nor talk about it for various reasons I suppose. It's shameful, dirty, they don't know what to say, it rocks their idea of normality and respectability. The last thing on their minds is the horrific trauma the wife is experiencing. It's like they think it might be contagious.

Telling the other wives might not bring the satisfaction you think it will. You may be surprised to learn that some of them know about it and choose to turn a blind eye. Not all marriages are happy. I would hold that card back as insurance if he plays dirty (which he already has shown that he is fully capable of doing so)

OP he doesn't even sound remorseful. He sounds like he really doesn't care.