DH constantly takes advantage of me

[Whathappensnowt]

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 DC aged 4 and 2.

I feel like he constantly takes advantage of me and I don’t know how to see past it now, I think I have ‘the ick’. I don’t want to get divorced if it can be avoided but I’m honestly just sick and tired of him at this stage. He takes the piss. I’m obviously not a perfect human, I acknowledge I make mistakes too and there are ways I could improve but I don’t think it’s comparable.

It’s the basic things I read about constantly on MN, I didn’t realise it was such a common thing until I read many threads on here. He doesn’t see mess, he walks past it and will only clean something up if I ask him to. Even then, he might ‘forget’ to do it. He ‘forgets’ to do lots of things all of the time, things that really piss me off. I might ask him to mention something at nursery when he drops DC off and he will forget unless I text him right before he goes in, even then he won’t always check his phone so will still forget. I’m constantly micromanaging him like he’s a third (very overgrown) child. If DC are sick and can’t go to nursery, it’s always me who stays home with them. The natural assumption is that I should always be the one to pick up the slack in life, very rarely him. Sometimes I leave earlier than he does so I ask him to make sure the house is tidy-ish before he leaves so it isn’t a total state when I get home. As you can probably guess, it’s almost always a total state when I return. When I confront him about it he always makes excuses like ‘DS did x, then other DS did Y’ as if I don’t deal with similar situations and also make sure the house isn’t a shithole.

I’m not saying he does nothing at all and is totally feckless but a lot of what he does do, he only does because I have asked him and sometimes asked numerous times. He does really annoying things like deciding it’s time to make a coffee or go for a shit when DC and I are all strapped in the car ready to go somewhere?? Why?! He’s also constantly late to things because he loves nothing more than procrastinating. It’s honestly driving me nuts.

Anyway, things came to ahead on NYE. For one reason or another, someone I went on one date with a few months before I met DH messaged me out of nowhere. No idea what made him think of me but I probably stupidly felt flattered by it and I messaged back. I did not say anything sinister at all, I wished him happy new year in return and said I hoped he was well. Ordinarily I would have rolled my eyes and ignored it but I was just feeling really down about the state of things with DH, it flattered me to be remembered so I replied. DH found out and went ballistic, honestly nuclear. He was furious I’d replied. I had a severe abscess on NYE so was in the worst agony ever with a massively swollen face for context and he was shouting at me for messaging happy new year to someone I went on one date with 8 years ago and only because he’d messaged me first.

Anyway, he actually started treating me well after this. It seemed to be a wake up call of sorts. He felt like there was a chance he could lose me and he didn’t like it enough to realise the error of his ways. I really liked him then, for all of ten days. He was helpful around the house finally and without prompt, it was amazing. He actually thought about doing simple things like running DC a bath, getting their pjs and toothbrushes set up at bedtime, putting dishes away without prompt. He lavished me with attention too for the first time in years. He wasn’t just talking about himself and his job endlessly, he seemed to actually take some interest in me.

I thought we’d turned a corner, then it all stopped. Granted, he had a deadline to meet so he was super stressed and was working right through the night to get it finished so I understand, he’s been busy and tired and hasn’t had as much opportunity to help out. Things have just completely returned to how they were before though. Asked him on Tuesday to mention something at nursery, then again on Thursday and he forgot both days so in the end I asked yesterday. Everything is back to being all about him. This morning I asked if he would get up with DS at 5 and he refused saying he was still tired from staying up most of the night.. on Wednesday night. So up I got, I sorted DS, cleaned, sorted DC1 when he woke up and have been up for 3 hours already. He’s still in bed. I just don’t know if there’s a way past this, is there?

"I’m not saying he does nothing at all and is totally feckless but a lot of what he does do, he only does because I have asked him and sometimes asked numerous times. He does really annoying things like deciding it’s time to make a coffee or go for a shit when DC and I are all strapped in the car ready to go somewhere?? Why?!"

Because he can and he's learnt that this works for him.

"He’s also constantly late to things because he loves nothing more than procrastinating".

I would think its the occasions you've planned he's always late for; never anything he has planned.

He also regards the childcare and household mental load as YOUR job, not his because he is too important in his head to be bothered about any of this.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Is this man really a good role model for them to potentially emulate as adults; no he is not.
And now with you, he has reverted to type i.e how he's always been after a week and a half. You will merely be in for more of the same shit from him if you choose to remain with him so do not. Plan your exit from this with due care and attention.

He's actively choosing to be this way. By being a hands on and seemingly caring partner at the beginning of January he has actually demonstrated that he's fully capable, and OPTS to treat you this way. His attempt to placate you had actually backfired and highlighted his true colours.

Why would you want to stay married to someone with such contempt and lack of respect for you? Why would you want to model this dynamic to your kids as normal?

He's stealing your time, your life, your energy, your physical and emotional health. He's making you and the kids late for things, he's not actively parenting, he's not actively having caring conversations with you, he's treating you like a skivvy, and underling that waits on him and for him.

I would think its the occasions you've planned he's always late for; never anything he has planned.

Naturally. I’m not sure we’d leave the house if I left planning to him, I don’t think he’s ever planned to go anywhere.

I do worry about him being a crappy role model, particularly since we have sons. I don’t want them growing up thinking this is how men should act. I really don’t want to get divorced if it can be avoided though, I just don’t know how to get the DH of those ten days back .. for good? Perhaps I should message old flames more often.

re your comments in quote marks:
"I do worry about him being a crappy role model, particularly since we have sons. I don’t want them growing up thinking this is how men should act".

So you should be. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching your children here?. What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

Your DH of those 10 days only became "nice" when it was apparent even to him that he had gone too far, but it was and remains a mirage and or otherwise an act he could never hope to maintain. The man you're seeing now is who he really is.

"I really don’t want to get divorced if it can be avoided though"
This is the second time you've stated this. Are you on some level afraid of him and or his reactions if you did decide to call an end to this marriage?. To me your choices are stay or go; there is no happy medium here.

My exh was exactly like this. I did everything - he would undress and leave his clothes where he’d taken them off, he would never do things with the dc spontaneously - I airways had to arrange things, he never made me a cuppa because it’s a nice thing to do and if I asked for one it would take an hour or so before he’s get up and do it.
Rest assured that my two boys are so much more considerate, despite having a useless role model in their dad. We separated when the boys were 7 and 12.
if you love him and want to stay together then you need to decide how you’re going to make It work so you’re not back here in 6 months/a year with the same thread.
Counselling? It could be that him hearing your point of view from an outsider may maybe him realise you’re serious.
A chores list - tasks divided up like you would do for a teenager. If he doesn’t get the washing done then they’ll be no clean shirts for work will there?! (Make sure you and the boys have plenty of clean stuff!)
Also could you take yourself off for a weekend away - stay with friends or family or even a night or two in a hotel? It will give you some breathing space to think about what you really want and make him realise that the situation is serious and he needs to step up.
Also there will need to be some compromise on your part - if he’s making you Late then you may have to accept that that is his way and you can leave without him - he can follow in a taxi or not go at all. Sometimes you can’t change his behaviour but you can change your reaction to it.

You cant permanently make him like he was in those ten days trust me I have a DH who is very similar.
They do it because they think "shit she's going to leave me if I don't sort it out!" And when they see you aren't going to leave revert back to their normal selfish selfs.

LTB. He won't change. I'm sorry

When I read the first half of your post I was going to suggest maybe he has ADHD and some of it isn't deliberate- until you got to the part where he completely changed for 10 days.
Now I think he's just a cunt and you should ltb. Sorry.

Are your working hours similar? I think if he had an all nighter Wedge would still be catching up on sleep. Do you take it on turns to have a lie in?

I’d tell him those 10 days were wonderful and you’ve realised that’s what you want from a partner, so either he puts that effort in all the time, or you’ll find someone else who will.

Similar hours but I tend to leave earlier than he does and get home slightly earlier whereas his job is 9-5. He doesn’t often pull all-nighters but due to his procrastination, he left a deadline till the last minute so stupidly stayed up two days running drinking red bull and only had 1-2 hours sleep both nights. He did sleep 9-7 Thursday night and went to sleep at 11 last night, however so I’d say he’s had sufficient sleep since! Certainly enough to get up with DS this morning.

No, we don’t have lie-ins generally. Often we’ll both get up tbh, it just makes sense to but today he didn’t want to because he was still tired from earlier in the week.

Tbh when I read that he went nuclear over a text... I'd say that he's messaging someone. People see in others what they're doing themselves - if he thought you messaging a man happy new year was sinister, it's because he's messaging women in a non platonic way. Especially then when he made an effort afterwards - he's thinking he might get caught out so putting effort into you

Realise it sounds like a leap, but experience has shown me otherwise

I’ve considered a chores list but I feel like that’s more micromanagement and I shouldn’t have to manage him like a child, he should just think to do these basic tasks. He does the thing with his clothes too, his side of the bed is always filled with dirty laundry. I stopped picking it up for a while to make a point so it didn’t get washed and he only realised when he run out of dirty undies… He just kept climbing over the mountain to get into bed.

Counselling is probably a decent solution, I think we should try this before I jump into divorce.

He sounds shit but not unimprovably shit. Although I don’t like the sound of him going absolutely mental about the messaging. That’s not cool.

I think he actually sounds a bit like he has traits of ADHD: time-blindness, forgetting things if they’re not in front of him or promoted right at the time, intensive work to a deadline combined with procrastination, messy etc.

He might genuinely still be tired after staying up all night mid week, and that could also explain the very crap not remembering stuff at nursery Tues/Thurs if his brain was elsewhere. I occasionally do all-night stuff (see procrastination and needing a deadline) and it does wreck your ability to do simple stuff.

So, if you can get past the (justifiable, not saying it’s not!) resentment over today’s crapness, then perhaps you can encourage a reset back to the better, improved him? Can you have a calm discussion about how much you’d appreciated everything earlier in Jan, and you know the last couple of weeks have been stressful but now his deadline’s over and he’s caught up on sleep, could we get
a routine going with him doing more for kids etc.

If that’s not met with useful reaction, then perhaps he is just selfish. Then you’ve got to consider your options.

If he refuses counselling (not an unlikely scenario) I would go on your own.

Another person thought of ADHD until they got to the part about how he completely changed for those 10 days. He is doing this because he can and feels entitled to do so.

I’ve considered a chores list but I feel like that’s more micromanagement and I shouldn’t have to manage him like a child, he should just think to do these basic tasks.

You shouldn’t have to, you’re right. But if he in fact does not genuinely ‘see’ these things (possible ADHD trait) then setting up a management system to deal with it (chore list, who does what when, agreed minimum standard) will improve things. And if it doesn’t, you know you tried it.

So many men like this, perfectly capable of stepping up and doing stuff like he proved those 10 days but just cba. It’s why I was single for 13yrs after splitting with my ex as I cannot be in another relationship with another man child, and there’s so many of them out there. I am dating someone now, last 2 months and he has full custody of his kids so actually does everything that I do with my kids. Men are perfectly capable of caring for kids but we (and I include myself in this with my ex) let them get away with it.

I’d sit him down and tell him you’re not happy and tell him what you’ve told us. It used to wind me up so much that my ex would choose when he would let me have a lie in and get up with kids yet then rest of the time I had no choice but to get up. Why when they are both our kids? Then he buggered off overseas for years leaving me to do everything. It’s what put me off men for so long and even now I’m cautious as I can’t be with someone who takes the piss out of me and expects me to pick up the majority of domestic chores / kids (if we had any joint kids which wouldn’t happen now). Act now, or you’ll be stuck in this rut forever and your boys will grow up seeing mum do everything and think that’s normal

You could try couple's counselling and a system to share out tasks (including mental load) fairly eg www.fairplaylife.com

I'm still not optimistic and frankly him going crazy about the messages and then improving for 10 days before going back to his usual ways would be the final straw for me. How can anyone find this attractive?! Marriage and parenting are hard enough without this level of selfishness.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

When he run out of clean undies, sorry.

I don’t think he’s messaging anyone else, well I have no reason to think that’s the case anyway. He went nuts because I’ve never done anything like that before and he knows I’m not the type to cheat or be disloyal in some way so it shocked him. He was cheated on a few times by his only previous serious girlfriend so she damaged his trust. He’s never been suspicious of me before this but I suppose he’s never had reason to be. Not that this was sinister either, I had no desire to meet up with this person or for it to go any further.

It sounds awful but I think I would make him feel less secure in the relationship. He is taking you for granted. I would stop reminding him about plans so that there are some unfortunate consequences. I'd make plans to go out alone and leave him with the kids. I'd have a big box that all his mess could be dumped in, including washing left on the floor. I'd put extra effort into my appearance when going out without him, maybe be slightly secretive around my phone. Make him wait for stuff he wants. Don't plan dinner - have a nice bath instead. If he asks what's going on with you, that would be the time to tell him you are reconsidering your marriage. Basically, start making your own life suit you, the way he does.

And if you go for marriage counselling, make sure the counsellor is female. The men often collude due to lack of awareness.

A "come to Jesus" conversation about how he is risking your marriage is in order.

And then a few weeks later, splitting up with him, because he's too fucking lazy and entitled to maintain a change in behaviour, and frankly the disrespect of behaving that way suggests contempt for you, not love.

I don’t think he has ADHD because like others have said, he can be helpful when he thinks our marriage is at stake. He looks past mess because it isn’t important to him, not like it is to me. I don’t expect the house to be pristine with two young DC by any means but the way he leaves it when he’s home alone with them, honestly it looks like a bomb has hit. I have no idea how it gets so bad, I think he just lets DC run riot and doesn’t clean up after them.

I have considered making him feel less secure on purpose to wake him up but I don’t like the thought of playing mind games. I just want an easy life, like anyone. I will resort to this if I have to though. I have done petty things before, like I said leaving his laundry mountain to pile next to his bed until he run out of undies. He genuinely isn’t arsed about mess like I am, he just steps around it.

Christ, the shit women put up with. These so-called men are barely functioning adults.

You've mentioned a couple of times you really don't want to get divorced and I wonder if this is clouding your judgment. Why don't you want to get divorced? What are your reasons? I clung on to my relationship far longer than I should have because I didn't want my friends/ society to think I was a failure and to think I was so stupid to marry someone who wasn't right for me. Very silly! After being incredibly miserable for a while I got to the point where I thought fuck it you're being stupid. No one will care and even if they do you'll be so much happier with him out of your life. So what are your reasons, and are they really so compelling that you should stay with someone who is making you feel like this? Be honest, would you be happier without him?