DH constantly takes advantage of me

[Whathappensnowt]

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 DC aged 4 and 2.

I feel like he constantly takes advantage of me and I don’t know how to see past it now, I think I have ‘the ick’. I don’t want to get divorced if it can be avoided but I’m honestly just sick and tired of him at this stage. He takes the piss. I’m obviously not a perfect human, I acknowledge I make mistakes too and there are ways I could improve but I don’t think it’s comparable.

It’s the basic things I read about constantly on MN, I didn’t realise it was such a common thing until I read many threads on here. He doesn’t see mess, he walks past it and will only clean something up if I ask him to. Even then, he might ‘forget’ to do it. He ‘forgets’ to do lots of things all of the time, things that really piss me off. I might ask him to mention something at nursery when he drops DC off and he will forget unless I text him right before he goes in, even then he won’t always check his phone so will still forget. I’m constantly micromanaging him like he’s a third (very overgrown) child. If DC are sick and can’t go to nursery, it’s always me who stays home with them. The natural assumption is that I should always be the one to pick up the slack in life, very rarely him. Sometimes I leave earlier than he does so I ask him to make sure the house is tidy-ish before he leaves so it isn’t a total state when I get home. As you can probably guess, it’s almost always a total state when I return. When I confront him about it he always makes excuses like ‘DS did x, then other DS did Y’ as if I don’t deal with similar situations and also make sure the house isn’t a shithole.

I’m not saying he does nothing at all and is totally feckless but a lot of what he does do, he only does because I have asked him and sometimes asked numerous times. He does really annoying things like deciding it’s time to make a coffee or go for a shit when DC and I are all strapped in the car ready to go somewhere?? Why?! He’s also constantly late to things because he loves nothing more than procrastinating. It’s honestly driving me nuts.

Anyway, things came to ahead on NYE. For one reason or another, someone I went on one date with a few months before I met DH messaged me out of nowhere. No idea what made him think of me but I probably stupidly felt flattered by it and I messaged back. I did not say anything sinister at all, I wished him happy new year in return and said I hoped he was well. Ordinarily I would have rolled my eyes and ignored it but I was just feeling really down about the state of things with DH, it flattered me to be remembered so I replied. DH found out and went ballistic, honestly nuclear. He was furious I’d replied. I had a severe abscess on NYE so was in the worst agony ever with a massively swollen face for context and he was shouting at me for messaging happy new year to someone I went on one date with 8 years ago and only because he’d messaged me first.

Anyway, he actually started treating me well after this. It seemed to be a wake up call of sorts. He felt like there was a chance he could lose me and he didn’t like it enough to realise the error of his ways. I really liked him then, for all of ten days. He was helpful around the house finally and without prompt, it was amazing. He actually thought about doing simple things like running DC a bath, getting their pjs and toothbrushes set up at bedtime, putting dishes away without prompt. He lavished me with attention too for the first time in years. He wasn’t just talking about himself and his job endlessly, he seemed to actually take some interest in me.

I thought we’d turned a corner, then it all stopped. Granted, he had a deadline to meet so he was super stressed and was working right through the night to get it finished so I understand, he’s been busy and tired and hasn’t had as much opportunity to help out. Things have just completely returned to how they were before though. Asked him on Tuesday to mention something at nursery, then again on Thursday and he forgot both days so in the end I asked yesterday. Everything is back to being all about him. This morning I asked if he would get up with DS at 5 and he refused saying he was still tired from staying up most of the night.. on Wednesday night. So up I got, I sorted DS, cleaned, sorted DC1 when he woke up and have been up for 3 hours already. He’s still in bed. I just don’t know if there’s a way past this, is there?

What are his parents like; look at them. Does his mother run seemingly ragged around both her husband and son?.

He regards the household mental load, chores and childcare as your job. Not his.

Do not further do your bit here to in turn teach your sons that women do everything within the home whilst the men swan about. Your life will become "easier" if you get him out of your day to day lives.

The things you describe don't sound that bad to me, just the general irritations of living with someone else. But my bar for this kind of stuff is quite low, it doesn't bother me that much. For example, if I was ready to go out and DH decided to take a shit, I'd just play on my phone for a bit or get a cup of tea. If DH needed to tell nursery something and I thought he might forget, I'd put a reminder on his phone for him or email nursery myself. Sometimes it's just about finding workarounds and working to each other's strengths and weaknesses.

But if it bothers you to the point of considering divorce - then you either have to develop a greater tolerance for it or give him an ultimatum to change or you will leave but then of course you have to mean it.

I think sometimes relationships are about focusing on someone's good points rather than their bad and not constantly trying to improve someone and getting worked up because someone isn't doing what you think they should.

What are your DH's strengths?

Honestly, so what if he does have ADHD?

Millions of women also have ADHD and at least make the effort and put the work in to getting their children, and themselves, to where they need to be, with the right stuff they need when they get there.

I think he just believes his time and energy is more important than yours and therefore, why should he do any of the crappy jobs that you're there to do anyway?

I'd start building my life around him to be honest. He won't change and you'll just become a mother to 3 children. One who is already an adult.

He’ll not change. So basically you now need to decide whether you’ll be happy to do everything and be a lesser member of the household for the rest of your life or not. If you’re not happy with that then leave. If you are happy with it then try to bear it with no resentment. Same you have sons and not daughters. Unfortunately sons will likely follow him and see you as the household servant, whereas daughters could have been raised to learn to serve their father too, lightening the household burden on you.

And although there will be an outpouring of ‘maybe he has ADHD! Maybe he’s autistic!’ So? Being a slave to a man with ADHD is the same for you as being a slave to a man who is lazy and selfish.

This

He is choosing be like he is, knowing you pick up the slack.....so don't

Don't do anything for him

OP I have empathy as my husband can be a massive procrastinator, has poor time management and does some of the things you’ve described. It’s really draining at times.

🙄🙄 ADHD? He was the attentive good husband and father when he thought his wife’s head had been turned. He’s CHOOSING his behaviour!

OP leaving his dirty laundry in the heap he left it isn’t petty- you’re not his maid. Don’t enable him by cleaning up after him. I understand if you are a person who like things to be tidy it’s hard to ignore his mess but he will never step up if you are constantly picking up the slack.

You need to sit and have a frank discussion with him about how you are feeling. Agree upon a list of chores that you can share. Split doing bedtime routine- you could each do nights about while the other has a tidy up? If you can afford it would hiring a cleaning once a week be an option? I know that doesn’t get to the root of the problem but it would take some stress off you maybe? Make a rota for having lies in at the weekend too. Maybe organise a date night once a month or do something fun together as a couple? Also do fun things on your own or with a friend. I think the daily drudgery can really wear you down otherwise. Good luck x

How did he find out about you replying to the message? Did you tell him or has he been going through your phone?

Dysfunctional. They sent DH and SIL to boarding school and when they were home they both drank and fought a lot. MIL had an affair so they divorced when DH was 18.

MIL is scatty to say the least, she is also very messy and rubbish at timekeeping. Once asked if she could collect DC from nursery because we were both running late from work. She said she would, got a phone call from nursery asking where we were. She’d ‘forgotten’ to set off… No idea where DH gets it from, at all. Her house is a state. She just buys loads of shit she doesn’t need and hoards it. FIL is the opposite, he’s extremely tidy and organised.

I was going to suggest that you 'forget' to do things for him, such as dental appointments, washing, stuff work related, but whilst it might make you feel happy short term, all it does is create more stress for you.

As for lateness, if he's procrastinating give him a 5 minute warning, if he's not appeared after that just leave and he can catch up.

But I do think if he can put the effort in when he wants, he's more than capable and this is a 'choice' for him. I think you need to sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel, and if he doesn't change his ways the chances are it will lead to the end of the relationship

@Kanaloa There is a vast difference between a person with ADHD and a person who is just lazy and selfish. ADHD makes it incredibly difficult for someone to function 'normally'. This doesn't mean a partner needs to put it with if they don't want to, of course, and in this case, I don't even think OP's DH has ADHD, as I said above, but it is very relevant whether a partner is not pulling their weight because a) they're just a cunt, or b) they have an actual neurodevelopmental disorder hampering them

Yes, I don’t think he has ADHD at all because he can be organised when he chooses to be. If it’s something that directly affects him, I.e to do with work he will sort it. Might be last minute but he’ll make sure he does it. If it’s something in the house then he conveniently forgets.

It would create more stress for me if I didn’t remind him about things, that’s why I feel I have to keep on top of things really.

I said there is no difference FOR HER. Being a household slave for a man with possible ADHD is exhausting, unfair, and upsetting. Being a household slave for a man who is lazy, selfish, and sexist is exhausting, unfair, and upsetting. It doesn’t matter for OP why he is like this. She can’t and shouldn’t tolerate it. He can either pull his finger out, or, if he feels he is genuinely suffering a disability that means he isn’t able to do his laundry, seek medical attention as a matter of urgency so his needs are not unfairly impacting his family.

You need to sit and have a frank discussion with him about how you are feeling. Agree upon a list of chores that you can share. Split doing bedtime routine- you could each do nights about while the other has a tidy up? If you can afford it would hiring a cleaning once a week be an option? I know that doesn’t get to the root of the problem but it would take some stress off you maybe? Make a rota for having lies in at the weekend too. Maybe organise a date night once a month or do something fun together as a couple? Also do fun things on your own or with a friend. I think the daily drudgery can really wear you down otherwise. Good luck x

Thank you. I have suggested date nights before but as usual, it’s always me organising those so I can never be bothered on top of everything else. We went through a spell last year of going out monthly for a meal together but I always booked the table and sorted childcare, he wouldn’t think to. I have considered a cleaner before so will look into it. As I understand, they clean rather than tidy though and tidying is the biggest thing. He doesn’t pick things up, just leaves them and steps over them. That’s the sort of thing that drives me nuts.

@Kanaloa I know I understand your point exactly. The hard bit is, people with ADHD really aren't doing it deliberately, they are struggling too

He’s passionate about his job which I find attractive, he’s ambitious. He is a good Father too, he’s great with the DC in terms of playing with them, reading to them etc. Usually has more patience than me but I think that’s because he has less shit to deal with!

His faults are minor in comparison to some people. He doesn’t get angry and isn’t a shouty person. His reaction at NYE to the text was one of the only times I have ever seen him angry like that. I think he was afraid I was going to leave, he seemed scared above all else. As minor as they are, they do wind me up.

With the car situ, I will get DC ready to go usually alone and will strap them into the car. We will then all be waiting in the car for at least 5 mins for DH to shit or make a coffee, in which time DC will get tetchy because they want to go. He does it pretty much every time, even when we’re in a rush to get somewhere.

@THisbackwithavengeance talks a lot of sense

I didn’t tell him because I knew it would upset him. I was embarrassed I’d replied tbh so I deleted the message. Then the guy replied and DH saw it flash up on my watch so demanded to see my phone. He was furious that I’d deleted the previous message, I was just embarrassed I’d responded so I wanted to get rid of it. DH tied himself in knots convinced I had sent lots more messages and had sent sinister messages because I’d deleted them. He didn’t believe me to begin with and I’m not sure he does even now.

I went on my phone to add something to the food shop a couple of nights ago and he thought I was hiding my phone away because of the angle I was holding it at. Then he got in a mood and didn’t seem to believe I was just adding something to the grocery shop even after I showed him proof…

Christ, he sounds like my H and after 46 years of it he hasn’t changed one bit. I have changed, I do exactly what I like, when I like. The reason we haven’t divorced is simply because I’m damned if I will let him walk away with 50% of everything I have worked for and paid for.
please don’t be like me, it truly isn’t worth it.

You may call him a good father but reading to and or playing with his children are really the barest of bare minimal requirements here. People all over the world do that, not just to say you as well. When it comes to chores like reminding nursery about something re or for his children he ‘forgets’.

Would you call him a good husband?.

I think his actions are deliberate re the car as well. Its all about him and in his head he comes first.

A couple of things stand out to me.
First this idea he can turn being useful off and on, that seems more calculating than you’d really want.
Secondly the idea that he can clearly get it together for his job.
Then the idea you might leave (quite preposterous an assumption after two text messages), so he seems to understand exactly what a good thing he has going.
I don’t know the answer but you need more than this with two kids, and you need to demand more of him.

I feel for you. I'm in this situation now. My H isn't totally useless, but he's pretty bad. I find it really unattractive and I'm not sure if I will ever feel the same about him again. Just a few months after my DC was born, I suddenly understood why so many people divorce after children. It's as if he suddenly changed overnight.
I hope your H improves, I would suggest talking to him about this, afterall what do you have to lose? If it continues, I hope that you find the strength to leave.
Some people, myself included, think well it's not that bad, and there are some good things. You're not being abused, it could be worse etc. But it's your life, these things slowly chip away at you, and you only get one life.
Sending you positive vibes to get through this, whatever the final outcome

Could one of the terms of date nights be that you each take turns to organise the date and childcare arrangements?

When I feel disconnected from my husband I tend to get really annoyed by things he does and I feel like he’s just another task to manage whereas when we are connected, chatting, laughing, having fun etc I can overlook certain things that might otherwise bug me( if that makes sense?)

I would def recommend a cleaner, even knowing that someone will clean and hoover the floors once a week is a big weight off ( and your husband might start to pick up his crap if he knows a stranger will see it lying around!)

I think you should compromise by trying to agree a list of tasks with him. I know that as he's a grown up he should just think about what needs to be done, and then do it. But he doesn't have that mindset, at least at the moment, and it will make things easier for him and be a big step in the right direction if you sit down together, write down a long list of regular jobs, and share the list out. You then give him his half in writing, to serve as a reminder. You'll still be stuck with thinking about new things that come up, but it will be a big improvement on the current situation. On his list, include lots of things which will have an impact on him (not just the DCs) if he doesn't do them. Do not cover for him when he "forgets".

The jealousy thing is worrying. Do you think he's cheated on you?

I'd go without him.
He's taking the piss out of all of you; no respect, I'd be so angry each time he did that.