DH constantly takes advantage of me

[Whathappensnowt]

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 DC aged 4 and 2.

I feel like he constantly takes advantage of me and I don’t know how to see past it now, I think I have ‘the ick’. I don’t want to get divorced if it can be avoided but I’m honestly just sick and tired of him at this stage. He takes the piss. I’m obviously not a perfect human, I acknowledge I make mistakes too and there are ways I could improve but I don’t think it’s comparable.

It’s the basic things I read about constantly on MN, I didn’t realise it was such a common thing until I read many threads on here. He doesn’t see mess, he walks past it and will only clean something up if I ask him to. Even then, he might ‘forget’ to do it. He ‘forgets’ to do lots of things all of the time, things that really piss me off. I might ask him to mention something at nursery when he drops DC off and he will forget unless I text him right before he goes in, even then he won’t always check his phone so will still forget. I’m constantly micromanaging him like he’s a third (very overgrown) child. If DC are sick and can’t go to nursery, it’s always me who stays home with them. The natural assumption is that I should always be the one to pick up the slack in life, very rarely him. Sometimes I leave earlier than he does so I ask him to make sure the house is tidy-ish before he leaves so it isn’t a total state when I get home. As you can probably guess, it’s almost always a total state when I return. When I confront him about it he always makes excuses like ‘DS did x, then other DS did Y’ as if I don’t deal with similar situations and also make sure the house isn’t a shithole.

I’m not saying he does nothing at all and is totally feckless but a lot of what he does do, he only does because I have asked him and sometimes asked numerous times. He does really annoying things like deciding it’s time to make a coffee or go for a shit when DC and I are all strapped in the car ready to go somewhere?? Why?! He’s also constantly late to things because he loves nothing more than procrastinating. It’s honestly driving me nuts.

Anyway, things came to ahead on NYE. For one reason or another, someone I went on one date with a few months before I met DH messaged me out of nowhere. No idea what made him think of me but I probably stupidly felt flattered by it and I messaged back. I did not say anything sinister at all, I wished him happy new year in return and said I hoped he was well. Ordinarily I would have rolled my eyes and ignored it but I was just feeling really down about the state of things with DH, it flattered me to be remembered so I replied. DH found out and went ballistic, honestly nuclear. He was furious I’d replied. I had a severe abscess on NYE so was in the worst agony ever with a massively swollen face for context and he was shouting at me for messaging happy new year to someone I went on one date with 8 years ago and only because he’d messaged me first.

Anyway, he actually started treating me well after this. It seemed to be a wake up call of sorts. He felt like there was a chance he could lose me and he didn’t like it enough to realise the error of his ways. I really liked him then, for all of ten days. He was helpful around the house finally and without prompt, it was amazing. He actually thought about doing simple things like running DC a bath, getting their pjs and toothbrushes set up at bedtime, putting dishes away without prompt. He lavished me with attention too for the first time in years. He wasn’t just talking about himself and his job endlessly, he seemed to actually take some interest in me.

I thought we’d turned a corner, then it all stopped. Granted, he had a deadline to meet so he was super stressed and was working right through the night to get it finished so I understand, he’s been busy and tired and hasn’t had as much opportunity to help out. Things have just completely returned to how they were before though. Asked him on Tuesday to mention something at nursery, then again on Thursday and he forgot both days so in the end I asked yesterday. Everything is back to being all about him. This morning I asked if he would get up with DS at 5 and he refused saying he was still tired from staying up most of the night.. on Wednesday night. So up I got, I sorted DS, cleaned, sorted DC1 when he woke up and have been up for 3 hours already. He’s still in bed. I just don’t know if there’s a way past this, is there?

Honestly, the times people start mentioning things like ADHD on threads like this is unbelievable. He doesn't have that.

The only condition he is suffering from is BILB.

Bone Idle Lazy Bastarditis.

I like the idea of taking turns to organise date night and if he fails his turn you go out, see a friend but I expect it will be a last minute 'failure' so be prepared with a book/phone and while away an hour or so in a cafe.

He’s jealous; angry; does nothing in the house

Don’t see any reasons to stay

Don’t underestimate the mental load with micro managing. It’s no way to live either.

He manages to do his job ok. He manages to go to work. That's because he actually cares about his job.

Bringing up your children is something he has delegated to you and he is choosing to be incompetent at it because he can't be arsed.

Same issues here with my exH. Nice bloke but lazy. Behaviour would change for a week, then back to normal. I felt so disrespected.
I’m sad it had to come to divorce but he just wouldn’t listen or try to change permanently. It was fanny shrivelling frankly. The weight of resentment lifted almost immediately after I moved out. Everyone is functioning better as a result.
And yes, he had a mother that did everything for him. I blame her entirely for raising such a lazy man.

@Naunet has nailed it:

"I’d tell him those 10 days were wonderful and you’ve realised that’s what you want from a partner, so either he puts that effort in all the time, or you’ll find someone else who will."

He is capable of being a proper partner to you, but he is CHOOSING not to be.

This has nothing to do with neurodiversity or any other excuse, it's an active choice he is making to be lazy with housework and parenting (& even paid work which then leads to him having to pull all-nighters which impact the whole family).

He can choose to be the man you want to be married to, or he can choose to be the type of man you want to leave and replace with a better man; it's his decision.

He won't change OP. Which means you need to manage your own expectations and reactions. Next question you need to ask yourself is this - can you live this life for the next five years reasonably happy or do you think the anger, frustration and resentment will be too much? Could you live like this for the next thirty years?

Get counselling, but also be prepared it might not work. Good luck.

@Whathappensnowt he sounds like he’d be an ideal ex husband and father to your children. He’s hard working and ambitious so he’ll be able to provide a home for himself as well as CM. He’s a good enough parent to look after the DC EOW or 50-50 so that you get a regular break. Best of all, you won’t have his mess, jealousy or lack of support to live with. Divorce wouldn’t be a bad option here!

There are two issues here. The laziness and leaving everything to you - and the deliberate being late when you're going somewhere you want to go. That seems calculated and passive-aggressive. The next time he does that, I'd leave without him.

The other stuff - I can totally see why it's annoying you so much. You want a partner, not an extra child. How very unattractive.

Maybe you should tell him that the way he's acting is making you want to leave him? That you're not happy because he's so selfish and puts himself before you all the time, and you are seriously reconsidering your relationship. So he knows there are consequences.

I thought the same.
You must be so tired OP.

Totally agree with @BeExcellent2EachOther !

I know right? Just reading the op made me wonder at what point women think having children with some idiot man-child is a great life choice… and as for the enabling… there is one clear solution here and that is to bin him off and teach the sons how to be respectful in a relationship.

These issues don’t tend to appear until after the children. After maternity leave where they’ve got used to having someone home and the children being default mothers responsibility

These issues don’t tend to appear until after the children. After maternity leave where they’ve got used to having someone home and the children being default mothers responsibility
This.
I think some men think that women play dolls all day on mat. leave and that it's a holiday.

I am not sure I believe that. I just think too many women (mothers first, then gfs/partners) turn a blind eye or facilitate their sense of entitlement. Those men learn from their families that men don't have to try as hard as women. The babies come along and bring the already over-loaded women to their knees, and thus create a crisis.

Leaving you sitting in the car while he makes coffee is much more than being lazy or disorganised. It's showing real contempt.

I think there is an element of what you say and it’s probably a mixture of both.
its fairly easy to keep a house and work full time when it’s just two of you, all he needs to do is cook the odd meal, put the Hoover round a bit and he looks like he’s doing his bit.
that little bit goes to pot on maternity leave as “well your home” and a bit of female guilt about not bringing in a full wage and bingo. It starts.

My sil kept leaving his clothes on the floor so dd bagged them up and binned them one day.
She knew it was extreme but it did the trick. Although he still occasionally leaves clothes on the floor if she asks him to tidy up he does, quickly.

@Whathappensnowt how’s it going op? Have you got a fully functioning partner, or are you still struggling along?