I need someone to know I am going to have the Divorce talk with DH tonight

[RosieMolloy]

I have no idea how he is going to take it.
I think it’s best I don’t portion any blame. I walk on egg shells all of the time and he can’t hide how unhappy he is

im hoping he will be relieved and I’ve found a flat for me - only if we can afford me taking my salary out of the family pot. It’s close to home and I’m hoping we can be amicable as I can’t take our dog with me.

I sound fantastical, don’t I?

I have no one in RL to talk to or let know I’m ok
he isn’t physical so I’m not fearful of that but he is nasty and emotionally neglectful.

I'd give some for big decisions. He probably didn't expect this conversation. Let him digest it and think on it.

What's your long term plan with the house? Is it rented or mortgaged? Are you looking for the equity from your marital home, to be able to move on, so selling the house. Does your DC even though they are older, know there is no room for them or the dog, in your current plan of a share house, or one bedroom flat? Any chance you could start to save, and get a deposit, and actually get access to your bank account again? I'd say that would have to be a priority so that you can properly work out finances?

I have no plans. I’m so desperate to get away.

I probably shouldn’t have posted, I never feel good when I do, another lesson I haven’t learnt. It’s so much more deeper than money and houses.

I’m on the brink of being sectioned with a really horrible feeling that I am;

A, mentally unwell and keep following all the crisis advice and engaging with the appointments and medication
B, not mentally unwell, it’s emotion abuse, listen to that nagging feeling that it’s not me, I need out to try and work out me for myself and I don’t believe another hospital stay is the right place, I dream of being free from here and him.

It honestly doesn't sound like it's you.

Well done for at least starting the discussion.

Well done for being brave and starting your path to freedom. It's not you - it's him being abusive. He's threatening you with his talk of the house and dog etc - trying to bully you to stay.

I’m Honestly being painted as the mental health patient.

I’m following all advice and accepting any support offered inc a huge medication change. All whilst I can’t help thinking it’s not me, it’s him, it’s been him for a very, very long time

I’ll be accused of paranoia if I say anything. I’d bet my last rolo that’s what he tries next

Then don't even discuss that with him. Just keep reiterating that you're leaving. If he mentions selling the house and rehoming the dog, call his bluff and say you agree that is the only way forward (and if it is, I think you need to prepare yourself for that). You need to find a way to be independent of him, whatever the cost. I bet your bottom dollar that your mental health is just fine once you're out of there.

I completely agree with you about my mental health and I just want the chance to get some space from him to prove it to myself

I appreciate he is in shock and needs time to think, and separate rooms with silent treatment is common on and off for at the very least 2 years.
it doesn’t feel weird to me because I can’t remember the last time it wasn’t this shit.

I'm so mentally exhausted and on strong, new medication - it’s helped clear a heavy mental fog - this should have happened years ago and as scared as I am right now, I’m relieved it’s been said
I gave him the opportunity to say no, please stay but he didn’t and he is not happy

i think I’m going to have to make contact with crisis support people before he does
im under no illusions and have been told to stay at home safe otherwise my at home therapy patient level with the local mental health hospital will be reviewed
he could call them and get me sectioned because I will not agree to go

Sorry, I rambled and forgot to say what I quoted you for in the first place.

we have been so withdrawn for such a long time we stopped telling things to each other a long time ago.
he never asks anything about me and I’m his wife who was picked up and physically restrained from ending my own life. He honestly does not care and wouldn’t be brave enough to do it so I did.

I’m happy with the silent treatment and separate rooms, I can only do one day at a time right now

and as for the house and my ddog? Sell it, that’s far too far away for me to worry about as I’m only doing daily right now.
I’ll agree about ddog and he won’t know that I’ve already contacted a few people and we are looking into fostering her whilst I find my feet and the Gingerbread single parent website apparently has a foster page, not looked yet

Slight sidetrack-
Have you been sectioned before and is there any current talk about you being assessed under the mental health act?

Do you have a CPN or care coordinator in mental health services?

You need to speak to someone about 'displacing him as your nearest relative under the MHA' (use these words) as he currently gets a say in whether you are sectioned or not and that is inappropriate under the circumstances.

Yes, I have a very long history of mental health, long before I met him and all the way through
I’m currently an in patient having my care met at home whilst I switch meds - I will call them tomorrow, they have been very supportive and I know I can be clear that my thoughts and memories are now rational

part of me wonders if he picked me because of it. It’s always been low level dysfunctional

The silent treatment and the threats are abusive. I’ve worked in domestic abuse for years, I have no doubt he was aware of your vulnerability and has used that as a way to control you.

I totally understand the need to get away as soon as possible, the best way to do that in your situation is to have a plan.

You will need your mental health team on board so talking to them is a good move. They will be concerned about you being alone in a strange flat, have a good think about the supports you have around you and have a plan you can talk to them about. For example, if your mental health takes a dip how will you know (what are the signs you recognise) and what will you do (eg using mental health team support, having someone stay with you, check in on you, presenting at hospital. What will you do if you feel suicidal? They have a safeguarding responsibility for you so they need to know you’re safe, and won’t necessarily agree that you’ll be much better away from him, especially if he’s been viewed as a protective factor until now.

Also plan to leave, look at where the money will come from for your flat. You don’t need his permission or agreement to leave, or to withdraw your money from the family “pot”, but you will need to be quite strong to follow that through given he is controlling - his controlling behaviour will likely ramp up as you try to leave.

Start getting together the things you need eg paperwork (birth certificates, mortgage statement if you have one, payslips, financial information) and keep them somewhere safe. Look at things that are precious to you, if you can start moving them to a friends house bit by bit. Assume you won’t get furniture etc so look at Facebook market place etc folk give all kinds of things away for free.

Can you afford the flat you’ve seen on your own salary? If not is there another option.

One option is to seek refuge at Womens Aid. That would mean you had day by day support (which might alleviate the concerns of the mental health team) and they can help you sort the practicalities of moving on. Please don’t think you don’t “deserve” their support, as a vulnerable adult in an abusive relationship your exactly the kind of person they’re set up to help.

I wish you the very best of luck, you’re so brave and have shown so much resilience- just a bit more and you’ll be free.

You need to speak to someone about 'displacing him as your nearest relative under the MHA' (use these words) as he currently gets a say in whether you are sectioned or not and that is inappropriate under the circumstances.

Absolutely this, is there someone else who can serve as your nearest relative?

Roughly where are you and what kind of dog?

I run a dog park in Cheshire.

Your trying to approach this as if you are equals. You are not equals because he sees you as inferior to him.

You are on the losing end because you did not get your ducks in a row first.

Now your in a position of damage control.

Open a new bank account and have your wages paid into it. He cannot prevent you from doing this.

Do not give your DD your bank cards! She is 18 she needs her own and a job.

Get a small loan so that you can rent a property where you can take your dog.

Pack a bag and leave whilst he is at work with all your documentation and any bank statements ect you can find.

Sort the rest once your separate.

@RosieMolloy look at the Openrent website its for owners who rent their property directly. Ive found properties on there twice and had 2 great landlords that were both fine with my dog, They are out there.

Thank you, lots to take on board and I will speak to the mental health team as soon as I can as well as collecting up some paperwork and keeping it safe.

a loan is worth looking in to for a deposit, I really would like to keep my DDog with me, she has been a life line these last couple of years.

I’ve had a look at his iPad, he has been gone for hours
he is looking at rented house shares in the local area for himself!

Yes, I have a 22yr old who has agreed
I’ve called and spoken to the out of hours and they are going to call me back so I can do the above

Well done for taking the plunge and getting the ball rolling with splitting up, OP.

A thread is a good idea because there are lots of wise mumsnetters who can provide advice and support as you navigate this.

Thank you. I’m going to sit tight here with Ddaughter (who is out and about) and DDog

he has a friend he could live with so I hope it’s as easy as him staying there for a few days at least
that will give me time to seek support and I need to see a solicitor

He is here
no idea or real thought of where he has been today albeit very, very out of character- I would wish him well but it’s still silent treatment
I’m happy

out of hours haven’t called back yet
i was going to put an email together to women’s aid but I don’t want to flood a service
ie I should stick with the hospital team for now

Hope you are ok OP. Didn't want to read and run.

Much love to you xx

This is my diary
its so very early although, we were always driven by routine, his routine
watching casualty is my thing
and our soaps

Sorry you are in such a shitty situation.

Cinnamon Trust should be able to help with fostering your DDog if you need it.

I expect the did pick you as someone he could bully and gaslight.