I need someone to know I am going to have the Divorce talk with DH tonight

[RosieMolloy]

I have no idea how he is going to take it.
I think it’s best I don’t portion any blame. I walk on egg shells all of the time and he can’t hide how unhappy he is

im hoping he will be relieved and I’ve found a flat for me - only if we can afford me taking my salary out of the family pot. It’s close to home and I’m hoping we can be amicable as I can’t take our dog with me.

I sound fantastical, don’t I?

I have no one in RL to talk to or let know I’m ok
he isn’t physical so I’m not fearful of that but he is nasty and emotionally neglectful.

Is he a financial abuser? If so, talk to women's aid. Holding your hand from here.

It's concerning that you don't have access to money and I would not have the talk until you have your own account with money coming into it.

You don't need his support to untangle finances

HSBC do a bank account where you don't need photo ID to create one. It's for homeless/fleeing/care leavers go and get that sorted. You can get ypur wages paid in there.

You need advice before you talk to him. Get on to womens aid this week.

Don't tell him you want a divorce before legal advice.

Sending best wishes. Take this step and this will be the start of something positive for you. Agree would be great to get your wages paid into your own account ASAP.

thinking of you, let us know how it goes

You need your own bank account and your salary paid intoit before having the divorce talk. If you must just tell him tonight you are not happy and see how he reacts to that.

I would set up a bank account asap. Get your salary paid into it.

I wouldn't tell him until you've got the money side sorted.

Good luck.

I agree, set up a bank account before you tell him. Is your name on the existing account?

Is your marital home rented or on a mortgage?

How old is your daughter? Does she live at home? Does she work?

Takes 5 minutes to set up a TSB account online. X

its not financial abuse. My bank app locked me out so I can’t view it and I don’t have the details it wants to unlock it.
DD is 18, she has my bank card this evening and isn’t coming home and she works full time

I need deposit money on top of my own salary to pay rent and my bills. I don’t know if we have enough money for me to leave?

I don’t need women’s aid or anything like that. I’m stupid to not have savings
I’ve let things slip where he does all the finances inc my car which I will need

You can do this, Rosie.
After you have "the talk", There will be lots of change & you can make the after-marriage life successful (enough).
xxx

Sending good luck and positive vibes ❤

Is the account one only you have access to? Because having that is a priority, he could clean you out financially if he takes this badly. This is one of the ducks you need to have in a row before you have the talk.

Best of luck. Hopefully he'll recognise it's the best thing for you both x

OP - he won’t be understanding and supporting. Men in these situations rarely are. So - don’t count on best case - prepare for the worst case.
He will be shocked and hurt too - none of that helps with your need for him to cooperate and help you ‘untangle’ finances.

In your place - I’d try to see if I could borrow - either from a friend, or a bank. This way you can be sure your new place will actually happen. And you can tell him from a strong position.
Currently you are vulnerable and he is in the driving seat.

If he says no - and he most likely would - what then? It’ll become even harder at home. And will escalate.

Create a monzo account online - really simple xx

I hope it goes well and that you are soon living a much happier life

we’ve spoken
Apparently I don’t get a holiday home away from the house (the 1 bed flat) all he talked about was money, selling the house and getting rid of the dog.
I asked if I could keep her here, pop in at lunch and after work until I find somewhere that will let me have her but he said no, don’t blame him I suppose

and then it was all blame on me, how horrible I am and the conversation ended there

You need a solicitor. It’s not up to DH to decide what you can and can’t do.

As expected.
What are you going to do now?

Plan b then. What is plan b do you have one.

What do you need advice with we can all offer suggestions.

Well done op
It can't have been easy

Don't forget it's still legally (half) your house until it's not, so he can't decide when you come and go, he can't stop you

Plan b is bank account for my salary
See if I can get a credit card or loan
and continue looking for cheaper accommodation maybe a house share

I really think you need to see a solicitor OP