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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner threatening to end relationship

56 replies

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:25

This might be a long post but I need some perspective.
We have been together for 12 years and have a 3 yo DD. We are both in very stressful jobs and have moved house a year ago and have a big mortgage.
My OH is a strong willed, very independent man who likes to do things his way and also likes to hold a grudge.
I have a history of anxiety and depression and have been quite clingy in the past.
We have very different upbringing and are culturally quite different. I am eastern European. Family is everything and emotions are big. He is very, very British and his parents are divorced. His mother is a difficult person. Controlling and manipulative.
So. She invited him to her holiday home in a far away country. He said to her that I will probably not want to be left here with dd and she agreed ro pay for her flight as well. I was never asked whether I want to join etc....so I was not particularly happy about this. I can't afford the flight and also can't take 2 weeks off.
I donhowever have a week off during the time they are away, so I looked into options. I found d some cheap flights and a bu ch if friends to go away with for a week in the sun.
I would arrive back a day after him. Although I agreed initially to pick him up, now plans have changed. So I told him and he was raging. I understand he is not happy so I said I'd try to find someone to pick him up as he refuses to take public transport home after a king flight with toddler.
Now we argued, he says he hates me. I am controlling and selfish and he wants to end the relationship.

I feel a bit lost and shocked.
Am I selfish? Should I change my plans and leave early to get him From the airport. I obviously can't put 12 years of relationship into this post....
So ask away.
I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:27

This is not the first time he has threatened to leave me.
I always apologise and give in as I am tired if arguing.
I feel however that I am losing myself. I need time to myself too. I was so excited to go away but now he made me feel guilty.

OP posts:
Patanat · 20/01/2023 14:31

No, based on what’s written here the selfishness is all on his side. He wants you to go without your own trip or compromise it in some way so that he isn’t inconvenienced. And not being picked up from the airport really is a minor inconvenience at most. The controlling - and manipulative - one is him.

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 14:32

You need to leave him!

KnittingDiva · 20/01/2023 14:32

He can't get from the airport with one child on his own so wants you to cancel your holiday or he will leave you?
I cannot think of how you could be better off with someone this selfish and useless.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:32

I can't just leave him.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 20/01/2023 14:34

He sounds selfish and controlling. Let him leave.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:35

He doesn't want to leave me because if the holiday pick up thing.
He always brings up old stuff and that I am making him unhappy.
He then mentions stressed I was when I got back from a flight with dd and that I would never let him get away with not picking me up.
I understand him being upset but I just don't understand the escalation.
He is very stressed and has exams coming up .... but I also have an interview next week and am meant to work nights this weekend, including tonight.
Throwing this into my gave now is just a dick move.
Now I am crying in bed and not sleeping or studying

OP posts:
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:37

I have tried so hard to make this work.
I paid for psychotherapy.
I got better.
It's just never good enough.

OP posts:
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:38

If I left him I would want to go back to my country in the long run. He wouldn't let me take dd.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 20/01/2023 14:39

why live like this, every time he wants his own way he threatens to leave you and you just give in

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:39

I have no family here, no support. I work for the NHS and shifts are brutal. I wouldn't be able to do it all alone.
I am essentially stuck.

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 20/01/2023 14:40

Tell him to book a taxi or pay for airport parking and drive himself home. Then tell him he is welcome to leave as making your life easier and happier is not a threat, it's a relief.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:43

He also wants to cancel dds birthday tomorrow.
I spent 5h on a cake....but also, it is her birthday! Ffs
I will need to sleep after night shift but will probably get up early to facilitate....which in itself is then a patient risk whe they have a tired doctor.... just because he is emotionally hurt

OP posts:
ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 20/01/2023 14:47

He knows you feel stuck - that’s why he feels able to make these demands of you and threaten to leave you. He’s a selfish bastard and I guarantee your anxiety would be much improved without him around.

You only get one life and nobody deserves to spend it living like this.

Is it true that you’d expect him to cut short his holiday to collect you from the airport too? If so you need to address that. If not, he’s just projecting his own feelings onto you and that’s not ok.

SpentDandelion · 20/01/2023 14:47

Play him at his own game, say "fine, yes l agree, we need to separate as l can't go I living with a selfish pig like you anymore. "
Game over, he's lost his power over you.
You would be able to manage on your own, l had no support or money, you just find a way.
This is not a healthy relationship, your lives sound incredibly stressful, don't back down, go on that holiday, don't let him call the shots.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:48

I just feel sad about our daughter.

OP posts:
ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 20/01/2023 14:48

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:43

He also wants to cancel dds birthday tomorrow.
I spent 5h on a cake....but also, it is her birthday! Ffs
I will need to sleep after night shift but will probably get up early to facilitate....which in itself is then a patient risk whe they have a tired doctor.... just because he is emotionally hurt

He’s an abusive arsehole. Who cancels their child’s birthday because they’re upset by something their partner said?! Honestly the more you say the worse he sounds. He’s ramping up the emotional abuse and bringing your child into it now too.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:49

@ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg in the past, yes. I would have asked him that. But now I would want to discuss it. Yes, I wouldn't be pleased but I would go down the "I leave you" route

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/01/2023 14:49

Op this is so sad. 💐
You are not selfish for spending a week alone in a nice way.
It would be selfish for him to expect you to be at home alone for a week to ensure he got a lift home from the airport! Friends, taxis are also options.
How is it controlling to let him go on his hols with your DD without you as he wishes. You haven't objected to that!

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:50

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose I have objected initially. Not that he wants to go away but that I was not invited.
I felt excluded.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/01/2023 14:53

That's reasonable. That's not controlling. You were excluded.

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:53

He also says that I am not taking pride in our nice house...me being the one doing all the cleaning etc.
Yes, he did the homework automation and does the money stuff because he is good at it...
It is a shared household and I am not his maid
There are lots of things wrong ....oh dear

OP posts:
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:55

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose I agree....of course. But he twists it and makes me the controlling, jealous one.
I am not jealous. I just like to be part of a family

OP posts:
orangegato · 20/01/2023 14:56

Giving me Peter Chilvers vibes. He’s a cunt and will make sure you don’t win.

Bestcatmum · 20/01/2023 14:56

Go on your holiday, don't arrange a pick up for him and tell him to get stuffed. I'll bet he won't leave you.