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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatening to end relationship

56 replies

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:25

This might be a long post but I need some perspective.
We have been together for 12 years and have a 3 yo DD. We are both in very stressful jobs and have moved house a year ago and have a big mortgage.
My OH is a strong willed, very independent man who likes to do things his way and also likes to hold a grudge.
I have a history of anxiety and depression and have been quite clingy in the past.
We have very different upbringing and are culturally quite different. I am eastern European. Family is everything and emotions are big. He is very, very British and his parents are divorced. His mother is a difficult person. Controlling and manipulative.
So. She invited him to her holiday home in a far away country. He said to her that I will probably not want to be left here with dd and she agreed ro pay for her flight as well. I was never asked whether I want to join etc....so I was not particularly happy about this. I can't afford the flight and also can't take 2 weeks off.
I donhowever have a week off during the time they are away, so I looked into options. I found d some cheap flights and a bu ch if friends to go away with for a week in the sun.
I would arrive back a day after him. Although I agreed initially to pick him up, now plans have changed. So I told him and he was raging. I understand he is not happy so I said I'd try to find someone to pick him up as he refuses to take public transport home after a king flight with toddler.
Now we argued, he says he hates me. I am controlling and selfish and he wants to end the relationship.

I feel a bit lost and shocked.
Am I selfish? Should I change my plans and leave early to get him From the airport. I obviously can't put 12 years of relationship into this post....
So ask away.
I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:57

@orangegato I don't know Peter chilvers...

OP posts:
orangegato · 20/01/2023 15:00

@Felinewoman google him, he was pilot with an Eastern European wife who he made sure had no way out…

Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:01

I just know that the next while will be hell with him being grumpy. just in time for my interview...that i will probably fuck up.
to be honest, I am too tired for a break up. I need stability.
I left my husband for him 12 years ago...I can't do this again. And now it is even more complicated with a child and a house and all

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:01

@orangegato doesn't sound like a fun read...

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:03

The funny thing is that he always preaches about equality in relationships (because he is the poor guy stuck.with evil me of course)

OP posts:
MintJulia · 20/01/2023 15:04

Don't you dare cancel your plans. He's behaving like a total knob. Why can't this Prince among men get a taxi or an Uber. Or public transport?

He won't leave, who would organise him? And if he did, would it be any loss? xx

Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:05

@MintJulia because a taxi costs money....
I know...

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:09

I tried to encourage him to seek help from a counsellor or a therapist. I even suggested an app because that's cheaper...but he isn't willing.
I guess because he thinks it's all my fault.
It is easy to blame. I am not perfect and I can be an asshole as well. But at least I am willing to work on it

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 20/01/2023 15:11

Sorry OP but you are with aan who is controlling, coercive and gas lighting you to boot. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking it's ok to be treated like this by a man? Would you want her to be treated like this? For her sake as well as your own, you need to call his bluff and say "fine then, we can split up". He's using it as an ultimatum because he knows he scares you. He is not a nice man. You will cope and find far more stability without him. Trust me. You will feel complete peace.

DelilahBucket · 20/01/2023 15:11

*a man

Mom2K · 20/01/2023 15:19

OP - stop making excuses. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you CAN leave (I appreciate that it would be difficult/inconvenient, but you could do it). Or you could call his bluff and say "fine then leave. There's the door." I'd be clear that he doesn't get to threaten to leave as a way to control me in the relationship and that you will not be tolerating it anymore. And if he's serious about it and really leaves then good riddance.

He has said that he hates you. It's clear by his actions that he does. It doesn't matter how convenient it is to stay with him because of your job or whatever, this relationship needs to end. And your DD will also be better off in the long run not witnessing her mother in a controlling/abusive relationship.

On another note - if he keeps threatening to leave, are you even comfortable letting him take your dd out of the country without you? You're confident he will bring her back? Only you know but just thought I'd put it out there...

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2023 15:20

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:05

@MintJulia because a taxi costs money....
I know...

How good can he be with the money stuff if you don't have enough for a flight for you to go with them and not enough for a taxi either?

You need to plan to leave. Which means looking for more flexible work, getting a handle on the family finances, accessing counselling to empower you not to make you compliant, and generally improving your work/life balance so the UK is more attractive.

And stop doing all the housework. Offer to share the money stuff, that should scare him.

Patineur · 20/01/2023 15:22

Let him go, and be grateful that the rubbish is taking itself out.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/01/2023 15:27

I am shocked you were not invited as if you are not a part of the family, this is just disgusting and he should have your back and tell his mum to stop this horrible behavior. Go and enjoy your holiday and let his mum get him home seeing as he cannot break the apron strings. Stand up for yourself and tell him to feck right off. I would be telling him to leave as you need time to think as you are not putting up with this behavior from him or his mum. Get a friend to come and stay with you for a few days. You will be amazed how clearly you will be able to think once he is gone.

Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:29

There is obviously more to our relationship than just the picture I painted here.
The past 3 years have just been incredibly hard.
He is a good dad and he is incredibly hard working. But he has a Peter pan complex and is a selfish prick.
I will not just leave him because I love him and I value our good times...and there is a lot of stuff that bonds us.
I do appreciate your advice though and you guys are right...
I might assert myself more though and show him that he can't treat me like this.
There is always time to leave.
Man I sound like a dependent woman....argh
Stockholm syndrome hello

OP posts:
CorpusCallosum · 20/01/2023 15:30

Threatening to leave is a method of control. That's not a healthy relationship. Call his bluff and leave him.

Original poster
Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 15:31

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants right! I was quite shocked when he told me about the whole holiday plan. This was also after I took time off during that time to do something together...but he said we don't have enough money for a holiday.
And conveniently mom pays for his trip haha

OP posts:
Ghostbuster2639 · 20/01/2023 15:40

He is a good dad

No he’s not. He wants to cancel your daughter’s birthday party because he’s sulking. He’s emotionally abusive to her.

been and done it. · 20/01/2023 15:56

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:32

I can't just leave him.

Just do your own thing then..order him a cab.

CombatBarbie · 20/01/2023 15:58

Felinewoman · 20/01/2023 14:37

I have tried so hard to make this work.
I paid for psychotherapy.
I got better.
It's just never good enough.

For him it's/you're not good enough. He is the problem, you need to start seeing this.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/01/2023 16:06

OP, why do you call him a "good dad? What does he do (not what does he say) that makes you describe him that way?

Sweetnsourtoday · 20/01/2023 16:09

Definitely get assertive.
If he says I'm going to end it I would laugh and say be my guest.
I can't stand people who belittle others (I'm not going to say it's men to women as it can be either).

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 20/01/2023 16:12

Just want to join the chorus of people saying he is a dick. You work for the NHS as a doctor, in my eyes and of all the reasonable people in this country you are very very valuable. Whether you get the job you are going for or not I think you are awesome. Please don't doubt yourself.
And let him leave and please stay in UK we need you. Without him hanging round your neck and mismanaging your money you will be able to visit your country of origin often and easily.
If you can't let him go yet, please plan, imagine, day dream what your life would be like without him. Then one day it will be. And thank you for working night shifts.

ChaToilLeam · 20/01/2023 16:17

He’s a horrible man, a shit husband, and not a good dad if he’s going to cancel your daughter’s birthday.

Do you want her to grow up thinking this is usual in relationships?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2023 16:18

he said we don't have enough money for a holiday

Do you have access to and oversight of all your accounts?

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