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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I messaged my ex after 2 years ...do I look pathetic?

74 replies

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:04

Ridiculously I text my ex ..not just any ex but my narcissist ex who basically broke me.
Mental abuse,did and said some awful things to me then discarded me.
He thought highly of himself ,gaslighted me and nothing was ever his fault ...then called me the narcissist (I never used that word -so I'm assuming his ex's thought the same )
All his exes were "crazy "
Anyway he moved on (as they do ) and I've been okay -I've dated others etc
Yesterday in a moment of weakness I text
"Hi hope your well,I would really like us to be friends ,can I add you on Facebook ?-i have thought about you non stop for the last two years"
Anyway he read it and Didn't reply
Shocker

Have I made a total idiot of myself ?
Please be honest

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 19/01/2023 14:06

Yes.
You're an idiot.
You've just told him he's living rent free in your head 2 years down the line. Way to boost that ego of his!

Delete his number, and move on.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 19/01/2023 14:08

Yup. Total idiot. Run away.

mrstea301 · 19/01/2023 14:08

What made you want to text him? Do you want to get back together with him?

It might be worth blocking him and putting a bit of thought into why you approached him again when it sounds like he isn't very nice. Have you struggled to move on since you were with him, have you not met anyone else you like?

notacooldad · 19/01/2023 14:09

Yes.
It was weird to do that. Nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex if they are decent people and you broke because of wanting different things or feelings change but why would you want to be with friends with someone that, as you said, broke you. It doesn't make sense.

Even if this is made up I know a few people that have done this and always thought 'Why would you?'

Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:10

A memory popped up on my social media of us on a date night and I started thinking of him
I've dated a couple of people but nothing like him (the nice him )

OP posts:
Liveafr · 19/01/2023 14:10

Bad idea but we're all human and make mistakes.
From now on, block him, delete his phone number, email etc... and work on improving your current life. You deserve better than him.

Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:10

He has been in my head for the last two years.
I compare everyone to him at the beginning
The feeling I got around him
I've never felt like that

OP posts:
Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:11

I deleted his number years ago
I messaged him on FB

OP posts:
Forthelast · 19/01/2023 14:12

Well, it was a moment of weakness.

If he's truly abusive then he's done you a favour not replying. Remember how being abused felt. It's not something to return to.

You sound like you'd benefit from counselling.

BrookeD · 19/01/2023 14:12

You need to work on your self esteem. How can you recognise he 'broke you' but then still want any contact with him?!

SpinningFloppa · 19/01/2023 14:13

yes sorry but totally cringing for you 😬

NotAnotherTaco · 19/01/2023 14:13

Follow this lady on Instagram, she also has a book out. Her take on why we do this sort of thing, and how not to do it, is really valuable

instagram.com/lalalaletmeexplain?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:14

@BrookeD I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 19/01/2023 14:16

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:14

@BrookeD I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense

No it makes perfect sense, they have to give crumbs of kindness to keep you hanging on. That’s all it is, a manipulation tactic.

Jimboscott0115 · 19/01/2023 14:20

You've just made it onto his backup list for when his latest target gets boring to him or finds out what he's really like.

That's what's just happened OP. The foolishness isn't about looking pathetic, it's about putting yourself in a situation where he's going to do the same thing to you again when he's at a loose end.

whattodo1975 · 19/01/2023 14:24

Yeah you have had a shocker there.

He also knows what he is doing, not replying straight away, will let you stew on it a bit as knows he's in your head. My guess he'll reply on Friday night about 10.30pm

BrookeD · 19/01/2023 14:24

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:14

@BrookeD I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense

But it is him. It doesn't matter why, unless he's trying to fix that which it doesn't sound like he ever recognised he was in the wrong.

I'd recommend counselling.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/01/2023 14:29

Whilst
You've just told him he's living rent free in your head 2 years down the line. Way to boost that ego of his!

is harsh (!) there is some truth

however , to be human is to make mistakes

so you need to forgive yourself but also do
some work. . You never want to like a man like this again basically

you want to learn to spot them and avoid them

you need to be angry and want to avoid men like this

Puffin87 · 19/01/2023 14:29

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:14

@BrookeD I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense

Bipolar is nothing like narcissism. Stop diagnosing him.

Go see a therapist yourself and work on your own issues

Beautiful3 · 19/01/2023 14:42

Yes, sorry. You knew it was a bad idea. Keep away from him. There was a reason why you broke up, and he hasn't changed.

Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:43

Can I redeem myself now or not so I don't look as pathetic ?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 14:49

Block him

ReneBumsWombats · 19/01/2023 14:54

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:43

Can I redeem myself now or not so I don't look as pathetic ?

No. Just leave it. He'll only ignore you again. It's never too late to cut your losses.

I'd get counselling to try to understand why you're so hung up on him because you know he's an arsehole who doesn't make you happy, and you could let a truly wonderful love pass you by while you hang on to an old fantasy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2023 14:55

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:43

Can I redeem myself now or not so I don't look as pathetic ?

Yes. Never contact him again, live a great life, sort your shit out.

And remember that the only person's opinion on this that matters is yours. You don't need to redeem yourself with HIM. WTF cares what he thinks? It's SELF-respect you're earning.

daemonologie · 19/01/2023 14:58

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:11

I deleted his number years ago
I messaged him on FB

Block him so you can't see if he ever responds. This would have been doomed. Think you have had a lucky escape by him not replying