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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I messaged my ex after 2 years ...do I look pathetic?

74 replies

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:04

Ridiculously I text my ex ..not just any ex but my narcissist ex who basically broke me.
Mental abuse,did and said some awful things to me then discarded me.
He thought highly of himself ,gaslighted me and nothing was ever his fault ...then called me the narcissist (I never used that word -so I'm assuming his ex's thought the same )
All his exes were "crazy "
Anyway he moved on (as they do ) and I've been okay -I've dated others etc
Yesterday in a moment of weakness I text
"Hi hope your well,I would really like us to be friends ,can I add you on Facebook ?-i have thought about you non stop for the last two years"
Anyway he read it and Didn't reply
Shocker

Have I made a total idiot of myself ?
Please be honest

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 19/01/2023 15:00

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 14:14

@BrookeD I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense

www.google.com/amp/s/esteemology.com/the-effects-of-the-narcissists-disappearing-act-operant-conditioning-and-learned-helplessness/amp/

ClementWeatherToday · 19/01/2023 15:00

Have a read up on the cycle of abuse, and love bombing. He doesn't sound like he had bipolar disorder (my dad has it), he just sounds abusive. They're all nice at the beginning, if they were total shits all of the time no one would begin a relationship with them. Also do the Freedom Programme to educate yourself more on men like this.

Msgrieves · 19/01/2023 15:03

Don't kick yourself, I just did the same thing. Although I met him weekly for 3 months, then had wtf am I doing freak out haha.

MissMaple82 · 19/01/2023 15:03

Oh dear.... slightly cringey after 2 years. Delete his number, block him on social media and move on once and for all. Had he replied, would you be posting on here? It's quite obvious to me your hoping for more than friendship, not that you xan ever be friends with a narcissistic ex !

Blueflower1612 · 19/01/2023 15:05

I’m sorry but yes. What were you hoping to get out of this situation. He treated badly before and you have just basically admitted that you want him back otherwise you wouldn’t have messaged him.

ClementWeatherToday · 19/01/2023 15:16

I've dated a couple of people but nothing like him (the nice him )

I'd also observe that you seem to think "the nice him" is "the real him". It's not. The abusive man is who he really is. The nice behaviours are manipulations.

Elliania · 19/01/2023 15:21

OP the "nice" him wasn't him being nice because that's who he was. He was being "nice" because he was gaslighting you & making sure you felt loved enough so that the nice time he abused you, you'd overlook it or forgive him.

Delete all mention of him from your social media, block him on everything, never contact him again & consider therapy to understand why after 2 years you're still hung up on someone who treated you so badly.

I messaged my ex after 2 years ...do I look pathetic?
Xrays · 19/01/2023 15:25

What else is going on in your life at the moment? Doing stuff like this is a sign you need something new in your life. So you look forwards and not back.

Block him, for good.

sunseaandme · 19/01/2023 15:27

Too late for 'sorry wrong person!!' ?

Ember90 · 19/01/2023 15:28

Yes.

Original poster
ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 15:40

In a way I wish he had just blocked me on social media
I guess him not blocking me is so he still gets me begging for him and gets a ego boost

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/01/2023 15:43

I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does Of course it was him. It wasn't someone imaginary. It was real.

Can I redeem myself now or not so I don't look as pathetic ?
No, not initially. You have already contacted him. In the longer term you do as others have said, block him and work on your own self worth, whether it is taking advice from other posters or getting self help in real life you need to do something to stop this reoccurring.

Choconut · 19/01/2023 15:43

sunseaandme · 19/01/2023 15:27

Too late for 'sorry wrong person!!' ?

Haha yes I think that would really fuck with his head in the way he obviously liked to do to you. He'd then be wondering if you were seeing someone else at the same time as him.

Whatever you do though be sure to block him. Otherwise the next time he wants a booty call or is feeling bored or lonely he'll be telling you anything and everything that he thinks you want to hear.

notacooldad · 19/01/2023 15:44

I guess him not blocking me is so he still gets me begging for him and gets a ego boost
Or he probably couldn't be arsed deleting you and never gave you another thought until you got in touch.

Xrays · 19/01/2023 15:44

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 15:40

In a way I wish he had just blocked me on social media
I guess him not blocking me is so he still gets me begging for him and gets a ego boost

This may sound harsh but he may not have blocked you because he doesn’t even think about you. Just pure indifference.

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 15:48

Yes, but the issue really is that you still care if you look like an idiot to him, you want to redeem your self to him
and you’re talking about the nice him.

there is no nice him, it’s all him. Stop trying to get back to that nice home person, it doesn’t exist.
his opinion doesn’t matter.
what matters is figuring out why you care, why you still have feelings for him, and why you’re willing to ignore all the things he did.
If he replies do not under any circumstances start talking to him

ReneBumsWombats · 19/01/2023 15:50

ohpinkgorl · 19/01/2023 15:40

In a way I wish he had just blocked me on social media
I guess him not blocking me is so he still gets me begging for him and gets a ego boost

Stop, stop, stop.

If there's one thing men are good at, it's going after the things they want. If he wanted to contact you, he would. The fact that he hasn't actively made it impossible for you to do it doesn't mean anything. He may have not realised you deleted his number and thinks it's pointless.

Stop reading into his motives. He's thinking about something else. You made a mistake, we've all done stuff like that. Cut your losses and carry on.

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 15:53

He has been in my head for the last two years.
I compare everyone to him at the beginning
The feeling I got around him
I've never felt like that
has it occurred to you that could be a good thing.

I know it might sound stupid but I believe the person who broke me isn't him -I honestly think he's got some sort of undiagnosed bipolar which mixed with the narcissistic traits makes him behave as he does
He was so up and down
He could go from wanting nothing to do with me to sending me a picture of him in asda shopping
It made no sense
it was him.
your argument makes no sense, wouldn’t he have come back to you. Wouldn’t he have been deeply apologetic for any bad things he did to you. Wouldn’t he have cared about you. Wouldn’t he have cared about not hurting you.
he doesn’t. He didn’t. He won’t ever.
figure out why you want to be treated so badly. Is it for the high when you ‘earn’ the niceness?

Ofcourseshecan · 19/01/2023 15:55

No, you’re not pathetic, OP. You just made a mistake in a moment of weakness.

His opinion doesn’t matter, but yours does and you need to value yourself more highly. As PPs said, the ‘nice him’ is just the real nasty him manipulating you. Don’t give another moment of your time to him or anyone else who disrespects you.

DarceyG · 19/01/2023 16:13

It wasn’t real though, he love bombed you in the beginning and that is abuse. Normal, healthy people don’t do that. I had a baby with a narcissist took a long time to recover it’s very confusing the conflicting thoughts of the nice him and the real him!

you don’t even want to be Facebook friends with him, these people are mostly misogynist and vile to women but of course not in the beginning. Those feelings in the beginning were manufactured by him to set you up to abuse you. Don’t dwell on it forget it and move on who cares what a soulless oaf thinks anyways.

Verbena87 · 19/01/2023 16:43

You are so not pathetic, just very human. Forgive yourself.

And block/delete him everywhere. Yes he might well have undiagnosed mental health issues but in this case, so what? The important bit is

  • he’s abusive

  • he chose not to take any steps to improve his behaviour even when it was having a negative impact on you

*he’s choosing to ignore you now so he’s still at best uncaring and at worst manipulative

  • brilliantly, his mental health is not your problem and not your responsibility to fix. But your own well-being is your responsibility, and you have the power to safeguard it. So block/delete him everywhere, forgive yourself, and have a look at what unfulfilled need drove you to message him. How might you safely meet that need for yourself?
LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 16:45

Yes, i'm afraid you have. It is dangerous and pathetic.

Block him now and pretend it never happened. It's not too late.

good96 · 19/01/2023 16:52

I don’t know you but reading this post - I think you’re lost and you’re looking for happiness but going about it the wrong way. The past is the past… an ex is an ex…
Just move on with life now - counselling or therapy would be good for you. Find that someone who is right for you.

Isme1908 · 19/01/2023 16:53

Are you the same person who posted previously about messaging their narc ex 5ish months ago his wedding day? Hope not!! 🙈

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 17:26

Yes, I’m afraid that you have.

It’s wonderful that he didn’t reply. You clearly want him back despite him making you miserable. Maybe chat to a counsellor about why you’re self-sabotaging your love life instead of looking for a nice guy.

Don’t you think you deserve to be happy?