Not liking / wanting compliments that are not related to looks?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 2023-01-18T21:44:26+00:00

Already told my bf that I don’t really care ’compliments’ regarding my looks and if he wants to say nice things, something about my personality or just genuine positive affirmations would be much more useful. But he hasn’t really taken it on, and now it’s making me sad. And he says he can’t help it… I don’t even know what I’m asking here really, am I the only one who doesn’t like it?

HarrysRedEars · 18/01/2023 21:48

I like both if I know they are genuine.

How long ago did you tell him this? How long is the relationship? Has he been super busy or stressed out?

RNLD1981 · 18/01/2023 21:49

Doesn't that spoil the spontaneity of a compliment?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/01/2023 21:49

I'd be pissed off if someone said that, tbh. He's immediately on the back foot.

BringItOn2023 · 18/01/2023 21:51

Are you worried he doesn't like your personality or do you feel self conscious/anxious about your looks?

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 21:52

Does he give you positive affirmations about your personality and achievements, as well? Of are his compliments solely looks based?

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 21:55

BringItOn2023 · 18/01/2023 21:51

Are you worried he doesn't like your personality or do you feel self conscious/anxious about your looks?

Not the OP, but I don’t like physical compliments for the opposite reason. I know what I look like, and it’s very nice. Hearing about it from someone else has never really interested me. It’s super boring. Also, my appearance isn’t exactly an achievement - it’s mostly down to genetics.

Compliments about something I’ve done or achieved are always super welcome, though.

5128gap · 18/01/2023 21:57

Well its reasonable to assume that as your sexual partner there are aspects of your physical appearance he finds attractive. No harm in him voicing that, surely?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 21:58

Has he stopped complimenting you at all or is he still complimenting your looks?

I wouldn’t like someone trying to police my words like this tbh, especially about something which is usually spontaneous and meant to be nice.

If he’s stopped saying anything complimentary it’s probably because he’d rather not be dictated to or thinks he’s going to get things wrong.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/01/2023 21:59

BringItOn2023 · 18/01/2023 21:51

Are you worried he doesn't like your personality or do you feel self conscious/anxious about your looks?

I think it’s mostly because I used to be fat.
And I was never asked on a date / never been an a date. Then I lost weight and all of the sudden I had men (okey, not that many, but popularity grew 1000%) asking me out.

So, yeah I do worry that this is all he (men) care about.

OP posts:

MadameDe · 18/01/2023 22:00

I hate it and I get where you're coming from. I've had a lifetime of people commenting on my body and have gone through a few unhealthy phases of my life - at one point being quite underweight, obsessed with exercise and weighing myself twice a day.

My partner kind of gets it. He helped me by taking my scales away and when I told him how I felt about it he stopped. Every now and again he'll say he loves how slim I am. I'd rather he didn't say anything.

I know people always talk about body positivity in relation to bigger people but I don't think it ever occurs to people that it's just a different side to the same coin.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/01/2023 22:03

Not the OP, but I don’t like physical compliments for the opposite reason. I know what I look like, and it’s very nice. Hearing about it from someone else has never really interested me. It’s super boring. Also, my appearance isn’t exactly an achievement - it’s mostly down to genetics.

Compliments about something I’ve done or achieved are always super welcome, though.

And this person also put it very well.
Other than loosing the weight, I’m low maintenance and don’t really do anything when it comes to my looks, so compliments doesn’t make much sense.

And yes, if I’ve done / achieved something, I’d love to know someone acknowledge them. That would mean a lot to me.

OP posts:

CPL593H · 18/01/2023 22:08

Been married to my husband for a good while. He is ill, bedbound and things are tough. He still says every day such things as "hello my beautiful girl" and "do you know how lovely you are?". I'm 60 in a few months and look about as lovely as Jabba the Hutt on a bad day, currently. He's always said this though, from the beginning and when I look at his face I believe he means it.

Context OP. You deserve nice things said if they are meant even if you don't think you do.

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 22:10

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/01/2023 22:03

Not the OP, but I don’t like physical compliments for the opposite reason. I know what I look like, and it’s very nice. Hearing about it from someone else has never really interested me. It’s super boring. Also, my appearance isn’t exactly an achievement - it’s mostly down to genetics.

Compliments about something I’ve done or achieved are always super welcome, though.

And this person also put it very well.
Other than loosing the weight, I’m low maintenance and don’t really do anything when it comes to my looks, so compliments doesn’t make much sense.

And yes, if I’ve done / achieved something, I’d love to know someone acknowledge them. That would mean a lot to me.

I’ve found that a lot of people REALLY don’t get this. Lots of people (men and women) have been conditioned to think compliments on women’s appearances are the ultimate accolade and some of them get super angry at the idea that a woman genuinely just couldn’t care less.

It’s interesting. Let’s see how this thread goes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 22:13

Other than loosing the weight, I’m low maintenance and don’t really do anything when it comes to my looks, so compliments doesn’t make much sense.

You’re not thinking about him expressing what he sees. Your eyes still look the same as when you were bigger, can he say they’re pretty or beautiful and you’ll accept that’s what he thinks? Could he say your singing voice is great if it is? Those things are luck of the draw but worthy of kind comment. They’re not things you’ve earned or achieved.

Lots of things are beautiful or just visually pleasing - sun sets, spring bulbs, artwork, birds bathing in puddles, children playing - people comment on them without assigning a virtue to them, they’re lovely and life is nicer for looking at them. Maybe that’s how he feels about you.

HarrysRedEars · 18/01/2023 22:33

Losing or gaining a lot of weight can seriously alter a person's appearance. Now you've updated your thread it sounds like it's coming from:
Well if I lose weight will you still like me? Had you met me when I was fat would you have looked at me twice?
And you know what, for most men initial physical attraction plays a huge factor.
Even if he complimented your personality, you might be worrying about him not finding you attractive. Even if you didn't worry about this, and you ended up regaining weight, he might be no longer attracted.

I would just take the compliments. If it's a long term relation I'd say it's a given he likes your personality. If it's a new relationship then as long as he is trying to know you as a person and spend time listening to you and taking interest in your passions then it's all good and not just a shallow, looks based thing only.

The sad reality is that our looks are a huge factor in attraction. There are the rare people who are attracted by personality, most of which are women I'd wager, but for the majority your looks are a big part of it and body size and shape is a huge factor for men, as you have found by the increased attention. You're presumably older than when you were fatter, what's changed apart from the weight? There you go.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/01/2023 22:49

CPL593H · 18/01/2023 22:08

Been married to my husband for a good while. He is ill, bedbound and things are tough. He still says every day such things as "hello my beautiful girl" and "do you know how lovely you are?". I'm 60 in a few months and look about as lovely as Jabba the Hutt on a bad day, currently. He's always said this though, from the beginning and when I look at his face I believe he means it.

Context OP. You deserve nice things said if they are meant even if you don't think you do.

But to me, nice things would be somethings about me, not about what I might look like, those things just don’t mean anything to me…

And since he knows this, but still continues, is what’s really annoying me now.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 18/01/2023 22:55

you can’t force somebody to compliment you on your personality if they dont mean it. Compliments are supposed to be spontaneous

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 23:03

But they mean something to him. Which you’re completely ignoring.

PousseyNotMoira · 18/01/2023 23:03

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 23:03

But they mean something to him. Which you’re completely ignoring.

Much like he’s ignoring that they mean nothing to her. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Eyerollcentral · 18/01/2023 23:14

CantAskAnyoneElse · 18/01/2023 22:49

But to me, nice things would be somethings about me, not about what I might look like, those things just don’t mean anything to me…

And since he knows this, but still continues, is what’s really annoying me now.

Show quote history

I do get where you are coming from. However it sounds like you are still stuck in old ways of thinking about yourself - that you don’t believe/deserve compliments about your appearance because you don’t believe/can’t accept it’s true. I struggled for years to accept a compliment on my appearance from partners but that was because of my own self loathing, not being a d/head but reality was I was v slim and attractive. I’m not saying that’s you, but if you have a partner that thinks you are beautiful of course he wants to tell you. I think it would be really controlling if a partner told me you can’t compliment me on x, y or z. Again I’m not saying that’s you. Maybe this partner just cannot give you what you want or maybe you are self sabotaging but none of us can tell you that

YouTarzan · 18/01/2023 23:34

I’m getting, ‘If you wouldn’t compliment me when I was fat, you’re not allowed to compliment me now I’m thin’ vibes.

tappinginto2023 · 18/01/2023 23:55

I understand where you are coming from. When I was younger I got constant attention from men. But for me there was a massive disconnect from my outer appearance to my inner life. I was so uninterested in the shallow men who were over-interested in my look, I found them so self-absorbed (they wanted a trophy) and dull. I wanted geeky intellectual conversations with the geeks and the artists, and now I'm older that's the kind of guy I date, the ones that see me and what to hear what I have to say (and vice-versa).

Do you really want to be with him if he can't see your non-physical qualities? Is he lacking in depth? You sound young, lots of men out there, plus lots of happy single times, you shouldn't waste your time and effort with someone who's not that into you.

ItsGettingCold · 19/01/2023 00:01

So he can't win no matter what he says huh...

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 19/01/2023 00:08

I know what you mean too. I am above average in terms of looks and if a man says this to me, I think oh great that's all he cares about. Plus as PP says, I did nothing to achieve that. It's just a genetic fluke.

When someone has a compliment about my personality or achievements, it really means a lot to me. Those are the comments that I treasure.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/01/2023 00:42

I get it. My ex only complimented about sexual things, never about my looks or anything about me personally. It made feel as if he wasn’t really attracted to me except sexually.