Not liking / wanting compliments that are not related to looks?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Already told my bf that I don’t really care ’compliments’ regarding my looks and if he wants to say nice things, something about my personality or just genuine positive affirmations would be much more useful.
But he hasn’t really taken it on, and now it’s making me sad.
And he says he can’t help it…

I don’t even know what I’m asking here really, am I the only one who doesn’t like it?

you don’t believe/deserve compliments about your appearance because you don’t believe/can’t accept it’s true

No, I don’t have self-esteem problems.
This is about ’accepting’ or seeing my value, that’s actually the point, I know I’m worth more than whta I happen to look like.

And I disagree that asking other type of compliments is being controling.
Let’s not make light of a serious issue.

Where did you get that idea?
He surely could.
Are you just trolling?

I think that unless you don't want him to like the way you look, you're essentially trying to silence him when he wants to speak. If you don't want to hear what he wants to say, then that's a different relationship issue. Just like if you said to him 'I don't want you to keep talking to me about your bike, it's not interesting for me', and he kept doing it, that's basic disrespect on both parts. You're shutting him up, he's dismissing your feelings.

Whether you're right or wrong to not like compliments isn't the issue; there are no rules, after all. But partners are supposed to want to respect each other. Do you not want to hear what he has to say, whatever it is? Does he disregard your requests and feelings other than this?

The other thing is, does he pay you compliments other than physical? There's a world of difference between an occasional 'You've got such beautiful eyes, darling' between deeper compliments, versus constant 'Cor, you've got great tits, darlin'!' constantly, whilst disregarding your achievement of piano grade 8 having just run a marathon. It's hard to tell from your posts whereabouts on this spectrum he is, from your posts.

I like it when my bf says I look good 🤷‍♀️

I get it OP. I am so much more than physical attributes and want to be “seen” for the sum of my personality - not just “show us yer baps”.

Perhaps this man isn’t the one for you?

Dont listen to me though - I’m long-term single because I’m seeking an intellectual connection which seems terribly passé when others move straight to genitals. 😉

Did you have any advice for OP?

i’m not making light of it, I am serious. You are trying to control what your partner says he likes about you. It’s very controlling. It’s all a bit bizarre tbqh. You’ve insisted you’ve no self esteem problem but it really seems you have

It does seem like your partner can’t win tbh. Most people wouldn’t put up w this level of angst over a compliment. You have no major commitments to one another yet. This should be a really fun time. Instead every time the poor guy says you look lovely you are grimacing and having heavy conversations about why you want him to like you for something else. I don’t think you are that in to the guy.

This is about ’accepting’ or seeing my value, that’s actually the point, I know I’m worth more than whta I happen to look like

But that doesn't mean that you don't look like anything, or that you can't look nice. Looking nice doesn't detract from the other ways in which you have worth. It's as well, not instead. It's like taking at as an insult to your scrambled eggs if someone says 'these sausages are delicious!'

Okey, well I see cotroling other’s more as something that restrict them actually going or doing or being something, so we clearly have different standards.
I think your way is very crazy.
Nevermind other person calling him a ’poor guy’.

I do agree that this may not be a guy for me.
I want more substance, and he has started to seem really shallow.
It’s my first relationship, so I’m still learning and maybe I’m just seeing that this guy isin’t for me and I don’t want this kind of relationship.

Then just finish it. It’s not fair to keep him dangling like you are.

If you don't think that you connect on a meaningful level then you should end it. But he may be a decent guy who doesn't know the right things to say, and complimenting you on your looks isn't exactly a red flag.

I don’t think you answered this. Just repeating in case you missed it.

I absolutely get where you are coming from. My DP is always complimentry, which is nice. Always complimenting my looks, body. Calls be beautiful almost every day. and yes, its nice he thinks that. But its so much! Its almost like it feels like its become a habit.

I feel silly to be honest, when it gets to me, as hes being nice right? Hes telling me how beautiful I am (I'm average btw.), so I should be really happy with that. But I think its the fact that that is all he seems to compliment. Id love a compliment about me as a person, not just how I look. Or about things i've acheived, not just about my body.

He calls me gorgeous when I know I look like absolute shit. Which is what makes it sort of insincere. I know I look shit, he must know I look shit. maybe hes trying to make me feel good. But I too have said to him it means so much more when you say that stuff, when I actually do look good, not all the time. It feels more real. And I'd love compliments on stuff other than my looks. It does sometimes make me think, is he only with me because he likes my body and face? What if I gain 6 stone or get a huge scar on my face from an accident, would be love me then? I think the answer is no because he has put soooo much emphasis on how beautiful he finds me. Its purely about how I look physically. I want him to find me beautiful 'as me'. The real me, the inner me. which is probably totally unfair.

I know its a sort of, he can't win for trying type of thing. But I genuinely want those sort of compliments when he actually means them. I compliment him on a range of things, its very balanced I think.

Its really hard to put into words as I feel ungrateful. I should love being told I'm gorgeous all the time (even though I know I am absolutely average). I have told him this and he has recently started to mix it up a bit, but I really don't think he gets it still. He did say the other day he loves how 'my mind works', so a definite improvement. But then unfortunately followed it up with 'and you're body is goddamn gorgeous'.

I've had boyfriends who would go on and on about my appearance, and if pushed for a comment about me other than what I look like would come out with some thing like 'you're a good cook' or 'you're a good swimmer'.

I can just about rustle up beans on toast and do a doggy paddle, and am sort of a scrape my hair back in a pony-tail, dab on enough make-up to not frighten any horses and wear jeans, t-shirt and trainers type.

You aren’t unreasonable, per se; but I imagine he’s struggling with the idea of what to actually say, tbh, rather than being shallow. What form does a compliment about your personality or an achievement take, in your eyes? If neither of you did anything very special today and it’s just been a lazy day with not much sparkling personality involved, how would you compliment him?

Additionally, I remember talking with several male friends and them all pointing out that men rarely get compliments on their appearance. And this is true: my female friends and I tell each other that we look great / totally hot in that outfit / have you been working out because your arms are looking fab all the time. Virtually every day in the office I’ll overhear or be part of an interaction where one woman tells another how nice she looks today or how pretty her dress is or her new hairstyle really suits her. Women will even tell another woman they’ve never met before that they like the way she’s dressed!

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of my male colleagues do the same to each other. Men very rarely compliment each other on their new hair or great shirt or for just generally looking really nice of attractive today (and nor do women tend to compliment men who aren’t their OH.) All of my male friends have said how much they like it on the rare occasions when it does happen. So perhaps men - who would like to hear more compliments and really enjoy hearing them when they do get them - don’t think of this as “shallow” or being all about focussing on appearances, but as genuinely appreciative and nice to hear?

Men see looks as something that is intrinsically worthy because it pleases them. That’s why good looking women statistically get promoted more and are deemed to have other desirable qualities when they don’t necessarily.

It’s ridiculous really when you consider that apart from superficial things like make up, hair and clothes we can’t actually control what our features and general physiology is like!

So yes, it’s not unreasonable to hate being complimented on looks because it’s objectifying and says that women are only worth something from the point of view of the male gaze. Women do not exist to look pretty for men.

If a woman compliments another woman (on physical looks) I think the same applies. Why is someone’s physical appearance, which they’ve had very little control over, deemed to be worthy?

My personal take on it is there are far too many men who think of women as objects, and a compliment on your looks or body is reinforcing that.

I think a compliment on your personality or accomplishment is far more valuable. We need to get away from the idea that’s womens value is all about how she looks.

All I can suggest is that you start ONLY complimenting him on his looks. You’ve got lovely hair/feet/hands. Maybe if he carries something heavy. You say, Don’t you have lovely big muscles, instead of thankyou for doing that/helping me.

Surely the point of a compliment is to make the 'object' of the compliment feel good about themselves. Giving an unwanted compliment shows a disconnect in the relationship. Why would someone want to give unwanted and unwelcome compliments that are given at the expense of the feelings of the person receiving the compliment?

@Bookworm20

He calls me gorgeous when I know I look like absolute shit. Which is what makes it sort of insincere

Or means he's actually not judging you just on your looks but on your inner beauty shining through, despite your dressing gown and bedsocks? Or that he thinks your level of ease with him is gorgeous, that you're happy to be so relaxed about how you look whilst he's around? Poor guy probably loves you through and through, and you think he's insincere.

I don’t think you can control how somebody compliments you.

If I said to dh "you look really nice in that jumper, it makes your eyes look so blue' and he got in a grump and said god can't you complement my ability to build a shed, I'd be quite pissed off and think he was weird.

He’d have a point though!

Would you prefer it if he didn't fancy you? Or didn't notice what you looked like? Because that just isn't realistic in a romantic relationship.

Or do you want him to find you attractive but never to mention it?

Or is it the absence of complements about your personality / achievements that bother you, rather than comments about how you look?

I totally understand that you wouldn't want to be with someone who only noticed how you looked - that would be very shallow beyond the first date. But it's entirely reasonable to fancy your OH and to say so. However, if those are the only things he notices about you, then I can see that would be irritating. I couldn't be offended by someone saying they find me attractive, so long as I know they also notice other, deeper traits as well.

No, he pretty much doesn’t.
If I tell him something I achieved, granted they been more about personal life stuff, he says okey and has a blank face.

And my cooking has received compliments.
That’s about it.