Not liking / wanting compliments that are not related to looks?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Already told my bf that I don’t really care ’compliments’ regarding my looks and if he wants to say nice things, something about my personality or just genuine positive affirmations would be much more useful.
But he hasn’t really taken it on, and now it’s making me sad.
And he says he can’t help it…

I don’t even know what I’m asking here really, am I the only one who doesn’t like it?

I tell my partner that he’s handsome as a way to express that when I look at him I feel happy and peaceful, not because of a hot-or-not judgment but nor is it because of some achievement or virtue of his, it’s just like a deep animal sense of love and connection that’s about his physical self. I value his achievements and personality too and tell him so, and do actually think he’s good looking, but if he became massively disfigured I’d still sometimes want to communicate that same thing to him, and I don’t think it’s shallow.

Would you prefer it if he didn't fancy you? Or didn't notice what you looked like?

Honestly, to me this isin’t that important.
I, at the beginning - shine is clearly wearing off, really just like who he seemed to be and felt comfortable spending time with him.
That’s what I value.

Can you give examples of things in your personal life? Are we talking you managed to overcome your fear of public speaking enough to give a speech at your friend’s wedding; or despite being quite forgetful you remembered to send your mum a birthday card this year? Are these things, things which the average person would recognise as being something to compliment on?

Yeah, this wouldn’t work for me. Maybe throw this one back. You can both find people to whom you are better suited.

I think I see where you're coming from. I would be sad if DH never acknowledged when I was clearly going out of my way to be thoughtful/kind toward him (or the kids, or my in-laws or something), or when I've worked really hard to get something done well (like overhauling our bedroom so it's a neat, relaxing place we both want to spend time in), I would think that he neither notices or appreciates me or those things. And if the compliments I got from him were only about my looks, I would assume that was the only reason he was with me and not actually interested in me. So I can see how it might trouble you, OP.

We just saw each other past weekend and it really got me down.
I’ve never had to break-up with someone, but I think I have to.

Is he not taking notice when you say you don't like his compliments and you'd prefer different ones?

Is he not taking notice when you say you don't like his compliments and you'd prefer different ones?

Pretty much this, he just made excuses…

What sort of excuses?

It doesn't sound like he's actually respecting what you're clearly telling him.

That he just forgets, can’t help himself around me, he just wants to be nice (I said to this that it’s great, please could he say kind things as who I am…) and that he wants to tell me that.

Stuff like this.

I understand this very much, but - I want to say this as gently as possible -
it’s not his to work on. It’s yours.
we can’t control other people.

if his compliments trigger you, a therapist can help. But lacking a therapist: separate what is inner story you’re creating from what is actual fact.
for example. Fact: he said “you look beautiful tonight.”

story: “that means all he cares about is looks / all men care about is looks” spiraling into “couldn’t get dates/ he wouldn’t have even glanced at me before I lost the weight.” etc.

these stories are going to make you feel so shitty - and they’re not true. They may have a basis in your past experience, but they’re stories now.

a therapist could dig down to what is hiding underneath all this - perhaps fear that you’re not loved for you.

truth is. Yes, looks attract someone at first, but that is not what keeps people together. That he still notices and compliments your beauty is wonderful - because often times people just get used to each other, and noticing when a partner looks good just falls by the wayside.

relationship is all the rest that connects you- the looks thing is just a bit of icing on top. Enjoy the icing , and I hope you heal enough to allow yourself to simply receive. Receive a compliment , take it in, you are worth kind words and you deserve them.

if you need to, translate them. Do your own mantras of “I am strong” - whatever words you need. Those things don’t need to come from someone else , you’ve got your own back and you always have done.

@barmycatmum

Asking someone not to do something because it doesn't feel nice for you isn't controlling them. It's requesting that they respect your boundaries. If OP doesn't like physical compliments, and her boyfriend places more importance on giving her physical compliments than on respecting her wishes, then he's disrespecting her. What you're essentially saying is that he can say whatever he likes, and that's fine. But it's also fine for OP to want whatever she likes, and if she doesn't want to hear it, then he has to either shut up or be without her.

The advice you gave is really harmful. Essentially 'OP, your boundaries are wrong and you need therapy to correct them'. OP can want what she wants, and why shouldn't she? Any respectful partner will endeavour to respect her wishes. She's not asking him to change his life for her. She's asking him to stop doing something that upsets her.

If seeing someone isn’t actively bringing you joy, then what’s the point? End it.

There are people out there who will actually listen to and respect your requests and who are genuinely interested in things you do and think, as opposed to your appearance. Stop wasting your time with him and go find one of them.

That he just forgets, can’t help himself around me, he just wants to be nice (I said to this that it’s great, please could he say kind things as who I am…) and that he wants to tell me that.

This man sounds incredibly annoying.

A preoccupation with looks doesn’t indicate a lot of depth.

Kindness however is more important than words and compliments of whatever kind.

Is be genuinely, kind, empathic, thoughtful, and helpful to you?

looks is very important i used to be fat aswell and you are right when i was fat i was zero relationship. Its normal. Most people like each other first based on the outside. But when you know the person you start love them from the inside and its just grow and grow and looks doesn’t matter anymore. Even me when i used to be fat teenage girl doesn’t interested in fat teenage boy. Its just the way it is. Its normal and dont think too much about it.

now i’m married for 9 years. My husband is 11 years older than me. He was good looking before now he is starting to get older. And my love is not changed. Its growing even bigger because i love his personality. Looks doesn’t matter much anymore. But when i first met him hell yeah i just only see his face and body 🤣 because i dont know him yet. Its just how human works we like beautiful things. But looks fades and personality grows. Your partner will love you the way you are not just because looks

I think that the area of giving and receiving compliments along with giving and receiving gifts can be a minefield.

On the surface, both acts are viewed as positive loving actions that we should be happy to receive.

So we often override our gut response to them. If somehow we feel uncomfortable then we dismiss our feelings as ‘wrong’

However, actions that seem loving on the surface but make the receiver feel ‘off’ can be a sign of manipulation.

There is a fine line between compliments and flattery where the giver is focused on getting something they want in return.

If the compliment genuinely comes from a place of really noticing and appreciating the full person, then the receiver should feel validated and understood.

Op, pay attention to your feelings and value them. If you don’t like the way this guy makes you feel and he doesn’t have the capacity to modify his manner, it not a great sign.

Essentially his need/desire to compliment you is more important than your reaction.

I understand what your's as I lost weight and found the appearance compliments hard to accept
I remember my boyfriend complimenting me about outgits etc, being a good looking woman(I'm.average) ande saying that I preferred compliments about me and my personality. I did grow to accept the compliments as they were genuine in his eyes. He started compliments about me too. Neither of us were used to giving and receiving compliments. It's hard but can yiu just say thank you after a compliment? I used to do thst and made him.do the same.