Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age gap in relationship. Does it work

65 replies

littlerayofsunshine0 · 18/01/2023 11:16

Will an age gap with a woman who's just turning 24 and a man in his late 30s work?
Does an age gap cause issues within a relationship?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2023 11:18

It depends on the two people and what they both want. It’s a potential red flag when a man dates a woman that much younger; is he hoping to mould her or control her? Maybe. Without knowing the two people; we can’t decide though.

good96 · 18/01/2023 11:21

It depends on the individuals. I know people who are IAR or married and there is a 25 year age gap -
Obviously both at different stages of life - depends what they want out of life…
It would be odd though that the parents of the youngest in the relationship would probably be around the same age as partner!

Coffeellama · 18/01/2023 11:21

Depends on them and what they want out of life doesn’t it.

nutherwun · 18/01/2023 11:22

One drawback is there wouldn't be the same frame of reference for nostalgia. You wouldn't have experienced the same things in your formative years.
You might like different music/books?

Fundays12 · 18/01/2023 11:23

My husband is 9 years older than me and it’s worked fine. I was 28 when we got together and we have been together 14 years now

katseyes7 · 18/01/2023 11:24

It's entirely depended on the people involved, not the numbers.
I've been out with someone 12 years older than me, and someone 22 years younger. Both long term relationships.
It's about attitude and personality, not age.

Original poster
littlerayofsunshine0 · 18/01/2023 11:25

good96 · 18/01/2023 11:21

It depends on the individuals. I know people who are IAR or married and there is a 25 year age gap -
Obviously both at different stages of life - depends what they want out of life…
It would be odd though that the parents of the youngest in the relationship would probably be around the same age as partner!

Ok. Just for insight. The man was my partner of 20yrs. We have 2 small kids. The relationship broke down and he left in Sept. We were on track to working at things but he was seeing this 24 yr old about 2-3 weeks within leaving here. She fell pregnant in Oct! So there's no going back now. I suppose out of hurt I'm asking this question. It's all happened very quickly and I'm struggling to accept/deal with it all

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 18/01/2023 11:31

littlerayofsunshine0 · 18/01/2023 11:25

Ok. Just for insight. The man was my partner of 20yrs. We have 2 small kids. The relationship broke down and he left in Sept. We were on track to working at things but he was seeing this 24 yr old about 2-3 weeks within leaving here. She fell pregnant in Oct! So there's no going back now. I suppose out of hurt I'm asking this question. It's all happened very quickly and I'm struggling to accept/deal with it all

Show quote history

I would say that the age gap is now the least of your worries - the fact he is having a child with her, is now the issue.

Sorry OP - hope you're ok (silly question I know)

Amdone123 · 18/01/2023 11:35

Ahhh, I see.
I think your post should really be about how you can come to terms with your relationship breakdown, and not the age difference issue. Obviously, you're reeling, and no doubt feeling hurt. There will be lots of wise posters on here offering you advice, so sit tight.
Their relationship may work, it may not, but I don't think you can fixate on that. As you said, there's no going back, now a child is involved (and your 2, of course).
So long as he's paying cm and involved in their lives, I think it's best you try to move on.
Do you have support in rl ?

nutherwun · 18/01/2023 11:35

I would say that he's going to start missing his old life, especially when the honeymoon period wears off. Unless he's a complete moron, there will come a point where he'll want to talk about the old days, and he won't be able to do that with her.

potniatheron · 18/01/2023 11:38

Honestly depends where they are in their respective lives, there is a 12 year gap between my partner and me but we were both in mid life when we got together and had some very crucial and quite niche life experiences in common. Importantly we share a similar outlook on life and shared ambitions for the future.

I think there's a lot of difference in life experience between a person's late 30s and early 20s and could potentially lead to a power imbalance, but life experience and share outlook is more important than calendar years as I say.

Zwicky · 18/01/2023 11:39

My parents had a similar gap and got together at a similar age. Issues started after many happy years. 25 and 40 - fine. 35 and 50 - nobody notices or cares. 55 and 70 - different life stages entirely. I have a work colleague who has been happily married to an older man for many years but is struggling with his retirement (he’s 68 - she’s 52). To be fair I don’t my parents would have separated. Never got to find out as a common feature of age gap relationships is early widowhood. They were just a normal couple though - no previous marriages or kids and no affair.

Original poster
littlerayofsunshine0 · 18/01/2023 11:45

Thanks everyone. Suppose I'm hurting and trying to make sense of it all & knowing how to turn my pain and fear into strength in this situation. Ive spent my life with this man from 17 and I know no other way of life. I'm very scared. I'm also petrified about moving on. I don't know where to start or how to process all these emotions with how quickly everything has took place especially when we were planning on reconciliation together. I'm scared about the future now. All hopes and plans I made with him are now gone. I suppose I became Co dependent on him too and now I've no idea how to find who I am or how to go about the situation in a healthy way

OP posts:
nutherwun · 18/01/2023 11:49

You're going to be grieving the loss of your hopes and plans. What has happened to you is devastating. Allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad. Don't feel like you have to overcome these feelings and become strong straight away. It may take a long time, but you will get there. Small steps.

daemonologie · 18/01/2023 11:49

Yes that gap is not much of a big deal. The harder thing for you is if and when this new woman is introduced to your children. I couldn't imagine having to do this. Or if I'm honest I'm not sure how I could allow this. Sound terrible but they're my kids and it's all going to fast if she's already having a baby. Not sure where the italics came from sorry

DanseAvecLesLoups · 18/01/2023 11:50

From my admittedly anecdotal observations there is usually a power imbalance with relationships with large age gaps. Typically the older party does not view the much younger person as an equal (something they will not publically admit).

Biscuits1011 · 18/01/2023 11:50

In my opinion no. If the man’s up to 10 years yes maybe, but not more than that.

Aprilx · 18/01/2023 11:53

With your updates, I guess the question isn’t really what you need to focus upon, but I will answer anyway. I started dating a man who was in his law 30s when I was 24, 14 year age gap. We were together on and off for about seven years. It was never a problem during that time, but now, now that I am 52, I am glad that I am not with somebody that is 66. That feels like another generation to me, I am happy with my 48 year old husband. 🙂

Chersfrozenface · 18/01/2023 11:56

So you're 37, roughly the same age as him.

He's traded you in for a younger model.

It's an old, old story, but one which is still awful for you, OP.

It's perfectly possible he will do the same to her. She's not going to stay 24 forever and she's already pregnant so he's got all that child-rearing stuff, again.

whattodo1975 · 18/01/2023 11:57

Expensive time coming up for him by the sound of it.

I imagine he is absolutely gutted, bet he thought he shag around for the next 20 years.

BunchHarman · 18/01/2023 11:57

He left his family with two small kids in September and by October he’d got a 25-year-old pregnant? Jesus Christ. What a cunt.

He’s a walking red flag, for both you and her. He’s made himself a very messy bed, let him rot in it.

Has he seen his children at all @littlerayofsunshine0?

I hope you find your strength and value soon.

keepareaclean · 18/01/2023 11:58

@nutherwun

You might like different music/books?

That's quite normal in a relationship anyway.

BunchHarman · 18/01/2023 11:58

24 year old, sorry.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2023 12:03

It's a massive red flag to me, because it says so much about the man's character and none of it is good. I would never date a man who had ever been out with anyone over ten years younger than him. Either arrogant, entitled, selfish, controlling or all of the above.

Wookiebowl · 18/01/2023 12:05

Sorry to hear this OP, must be really hard for you to adapt to a new path in life and then to learn he is expecting another child. I don't think there is anything wrong with the age gap unless there is a mismatch in what both want (which is a potential issue in any relationship). Truth is I think whoever she was it would be hard, easier said than done don't torture yourself asking why or how.

Please reach out to friends and family, be honest how you're feeling and do what you need to get through. It's scary and heartbreaking but cheesy as it sounds a new chapter is around the corner. Not quite the same but I went through similar (bar the age gap) and am now a few years down the line happier than ever.

Swipe left for the next trending thread