Age gap in relationship. Does it work

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Will an age gap with a woman who's just turning 24 and a man in his late 30s work?
Does an age gap cause issues within a relationship?

Do you feel the same about women who are older than their partners out of interest?

I posted above without reading the whole thread. Sorry.

Op - from my experience (exactly the same thing) in a few years time you will be absolutely laughing. Hang in there.

My ex is now trying to keep up with his 20 years younger partner, and he looks absolutely terrible. He just wants to be on the golf course or watching it now, and he has to entertain this vatuous woman 24-7. He made his bed, but goodness me I'm smug.

I know it is not actually helpful now, but in the future you will see that he wasn’t really planning reconciliation, he was pretending.

I think for now you have to take it day by day, baby steps. Surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy, treat yourself to something nice, be good to yourself. This will pass.

Their relationship may not last but for now it's more likely to be because they didn't spend enough time getting to know one another before the pregnancy. They're still pretty much in the honeymoon stage but that will wear off eventually. A new baby will also bring stresses to the relationship.

You will get through this OP. He's all you've ever known, but give yourself some time to come to terms with things. Then when you're ready, find ways to meet other people in a relaxed setting. Gradually it will get easier. You're still young, and there will be someone out there who values you and treats you how you deserve to be treated.

My DH is 15 years older than me. He's genuinely none of those things you mention. Everyone loves him, he'll go out of his way to help anyone.

Ooh from your update, they probably won't last anyway.
That's a story as old as time.
But your original question - I know someone with a 25 year age gap. All was said to be wonderful but now he is 65 and she is 40 it is not working at all. She is misserable and trapped.
The reality is we are probably better matched to someone of a similar age, life stage etc

Do you think she was already on the scene?

I doubt having a baby so quickly was in his plan.

I agree that in the future you will be the one chuckling - if they genuinely got together after you split what is the chance of them staying together. If he cheated then it’s about a 3% success rate of a happy marriage to the affair person. After 2 years when the infatuation hormones have settled and a year of sleepless nights have taken their toll cracks may form. This may be when he comes creeping back.

In the meantime fake it until you make it. Exercise every day without fail. Wear nice clothes. Do your hair and makeup (if you wear makeup) every day. Get a few books. Look after yourself. Be proud of you.

His actions are no reflection on you, they are a reflection of who he is and what he allowed himself to become.

Why is it always the man who is older?
Sorry OP I can understand your hurt, it's gross. Like you are replaceable when you get to a certain age.
Usually after having their children too. It's just grim.

In my family (mainly farmers) there are several happy marriages with around a 17 year age gap, all very happy. It might help that farmers seldom fully retire and stay active into advanced old age. One couple eloped to Scotland when she was 17 and he was 34- that would raise a few eyebrows now but they were very happy until he died aged 90, she carried on farming with her two sons after that.

Yes, I've help from my mum and dad just. But that's it and they aren't in fantastic health. Kids dad has them every other weekend but wants to have them a bit more mid week for activities. As a person who grew up not having their biological dad about I'm all for him seeing the kids etc... But its now getting close to him wanting to introduce the kids to her and play happy families which devastates me considering it took me 8 yrs to have the kids. It's frustrating me because he has been telling me of his regrets and if there was no baby on the way we would be working through our issues because his life was here in the home with me & the kids. Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere which really hurts because I did love him with all my heart. With 2 small kids and a long time together we were obviously no longer in the honeymoon period but I didn't think he would leave and I never expected this situation either! I'm absolutely gutted to say the least. Plus hearing him say these things about feeling lost and saying he needs to pick the easier option rather than work at his long term relationship with someone who has truly loved him and give him the kids we planned for is soul destroying.

.

It's not just men who do this - a friend of mine from college met a woman in her late 30s when he was 22.
She was financially abusive, took advantage of his family wealth and then when the guy was run dry, ditched him and tried to take him for all he's worth in court.

I can't stand when people generalise that it's always women who suffer with this kind of thing, 4 years after the divorce he's still struggling.

@littlerayofsunshine0 I am so sorry this happened to you and I understand how scared you will be feeling having to step out and do things all on your own. But I would bet that you will discover that you CAN cope on your own, scary as it feels at the moment

I am not going to answer your question though, because I suspect that you asked because you are hoping that your DH and his new GF will split up and he may come back to you? I may be wrong, of course, but that's how it reads to me.

My advice would be that even although it doesn't feel like it right now, you will be much better off without this low-life of a husband and don't even entertain the idea of taking him back in due course even if he comes back and begs you on bended knee. He is now going to be having another baby. Whatever happens between him and his new GF doesn't matter - for your own sake you need to move forward and rebuild your life for you.

It will take time, but you are still young and there will be someone else out there who will love you and value you for yourself. In the meantime find ways of making new friends and building a social life and you will eventually find you don't need your OH in your life and probably never did.

Take Care

It might, it might not.
You need to concentrate on rebuilding yourself and looking after yourself x

'Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have had to seek attention elsewhere'

No. No. No. No. No. this is not your fault op. This is classic script gaslighting from a selfish man who probably wasn't pulling his weight. Believe us, you are well rid.

This is a good post. No matter what happens in his life, please don't consider having him back after he's had a child with someone else.

in your last post you said "Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere...". This is just him trying to make himself feel a tiny bit less guilty by trying to pass some blame onto you. He's trying to say "see what you made me do", but of course you didn't make him do anything, he chose this himself. You were busy with life and kids and he found he wasn't the centre of attention any more so wanted his single life back.

Don't take any responsibility for his actions; only he is responsible for them. He has made a real mess of things. Instead of his single life, he is going back to the nappies and sleepless nights stage. He is probably kicking himself for making this mess, but you don't have to participate in it. I'd stop lending him a sympathetic ear since he is using this try to pass some blame onto you and just stick to handing the DC over at his times to have them and any conversations are information he needs to know about them. Shut down any attempts for other conversations as you are not his agony aunt and don't need to share in his self-created agony.

he has been telling me of his regrets and if there was no baby on the way we would be working through our issues because his life was here in the home with me & the kids. Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere which really hurts because I did love him with all my heart.

Plus hearing him say these things about feeling lost and saying he needs to pick the easier option rather than work at his long term relationship with someone who has truly loved him and give him the kids we planned for is soul destroying.

Sorry @littlerayofsunshine0 We were posting at the same time, so I've just seen the above. So now he's blaming you because he decided to behave like a complete A*se? Don't let it make you feel it is your fault and make you sad- get VERY angry instead. He has behaved badly and he's trying to turn it onto you? He's a complete and utter FB

I am sorry that you have been treated so poorly .He has played a typical Middle aged man crisis. When you are together very young it is very scary to be on your own .He may feel he is reliving his youth but I feel he has a shock coming with a baby on the way! Take time out ,maybe confide in your closest friends /families.You will come through this .Im sorry about your infertility issues but in the long run you have your DC now thats what matters .In time you will look back and see him for what he is ,just another middle age man with a "younger woman".Hardly Father Of The Year!You are young enough to find someone else(If you want to) or just be happy as a Single young Mum(Lots around!)

Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere which really hurts because I did love him with all my heart

So, not only has he knocked up a 24 year old inside a month of leaving you and two small children, he’s actually blaming you for his actions! Jesus fucking Christ.

He’s truly awful, @littlerayofsunshine0. Truly.

Yes I feel totally at fault. Telling myself if only I'd showed more interest or time to him. But I had my kids 12 months apart, I lost myself and after the birth of my second baby I took postnatal depression and was a shell of a person. Once I got the kids settled I took some time to sort myself out rather than intiaiting time for him I suppose. But it was never intended. He's making out that I neglected him, maybe I did, I'm unsure, I'm questioning everything right now & blaming myself for becoming a single mum. Not that there's anything wrong with that but it was my biggest fear seeing as I grew up without my own dad. So my own abandonment issues are coming to light now. To the people asking if I'm hoping they break up and he comes back, no thats not the case so much, I just can't understand how the whole world has came crashing down at my feet while he's left a home we created together yet gets to go create a new life elsewhere so bloody quickly while I'm left trying to pick myself up the floor. I've always been a big believer in karma and it just seems like he gets to move on so easily and quickly. Feel like I'm the one having bad karma. I just do not know how to turn the situation around to find some strength. Anger hasn't even kicked in, it's just pure pain and hurt from the moment I found our he was seeing someone else to finding out about the pregnancy in November he told me. Feel like I'm just dealing with kick after kick, especially now with having the kids being put into it all too. I've no idea how I'll switch off in front of them talking about how great daddy is and his new partner and the excitement of a baby that we had actually planned on doing together when the kids hit this point in life. They are only 4 & 5

I suppose the reason I ask about the age gap is because this person has to bring introduced to the kids. What if they don't work, how is that re explained to the children again if that happened? He's been with her 4 months and she's just over 3 months pregnant. We always agreed introducing any new partners after a yr of seeing how the relationship would turn out first. I just find this all so sudden compared to what we originally agreed.

I also live in a small town where I've to see or hear about everything going on. At this point I'm just telling people I don't want to know anything but I can't run away from it when it starts coming from the kids. And I'm the one in the kids eyes doing the routine and discipline etc all the boring stuff for them, he just happens to pop in for fun things with them like he's father of the yr... And I'm not saying he's a bad dad but it's unfair that he gets to create this thing of how good a dad he is, when he's walked out on a long term commitment and his kids and deciding to be a live in partner for this new baby! I just find the whole thing absolutely heart breaking. If it was a yr later or so maybe I feel a bit different. He left just over 16 odd weeks ago like.

You struggled for eight years to have your children.

You had them in quick succession.

You developed PND.

He left you and had impregnated a young woman in about three weeks time.

He’s now blaming you for this, saying you didn’t give him enough attention, while you were raising your very young children and struggling with PND.

He’s an utter, utter cunt. None of this is your fault. He should be so ashamed of himself.

You’ve not found your anger, so have some of mine. I hope he burns. And I’d be making sure everyone in your small town knows your version of events first.

"Says if he had felt more wanted here he wouldn't have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere which really hurts because I did love him with all my heart."

He's a prick. He just wanted to shag around with this younger women. The blame is on him and his actions. No doubt he was already seeing her many weeks/months before you eventually split up. He's trying to convince himself it was your fault the relationship broke down (it wasn't your fault).

He'll just repeat his past ... woman has baby, life isn't all about him, boohoo ...

Don't regret his loss. Stand tall and move on

The older you get the more the age gap becomes an issue. Being 60 and having a partner that is heading towards 80 is a huge burden.