He said he won't fight for me/us

[lanabye]

My boyfriend and I generally have a good relationship but my dd and he sometimes clash when it comes to bedtime (she's a terrible sleeper) and her typical 8 year old girl behaviour, e.g., answering back, pushing boundaries etc.

He's very firm with her and doesn't like her arguing, yet his way of dealing with her arguing is to argue back. This antagonises her and makes the situation a hell of a lot worse, when it could easily be nipped in the bud. I've learnt to pick my battles and not to sweat the smaller stuff but he can't do this. He has to have the final say.

I have EUPD which means that I find it really hard to regulate my emotions, and when I feel hurt, I really, really feel it. My boyfriend ruined my birthday by arguing with dd, and I was so upset that I told him that I couldn't carry on with the relationship. Ending the relationship is something I've tried to do previously, as it's my way of coping in that I'd rather just cut it off and try to save myself getting hurt any further.

Obviously he feels discarded and like he's not important, but I'm so fed up of not having my feelings validated, and him wanting to brush things under the carpet. When arguments happen, he says that I dwell on it and make them last for days, whereas he'd rather just pretend they never happened and move on immediately. I can't do this.

He's now saying that he won't fight for me any more, and that I've "won". I feel like shit, but I don't know what else I can do. His defences become so high after an argument and I can't get through to him - he becomes this cold, horrible stranger who I don't recognise. Hence why I end it.

What do I do? Do I fight even though I ended it?

This. All of this. No way should you ever be letting someone abusive around you child, who bullies and intimidates her.

This infuriates me to read, as someone who had a parent that put their love life ahead of her children, unsurprisingly I havent seen her in years!

Same.

After 3 years in a non living together relationship he has absolutely 100% no business trying to parent your DD. He should buy her a birthday present and a Xmas present, be kind to her, chat to her and that’s it. He is NOT her parent.

I’m curious about the dynamic here. I find it very difficult to be around friends who have poor boundaries with their kids and it is painful to watch someone being treated badly by a child. However, he shouldn’t be disciplining your daughter, you should be. If he has difficulties with how you parent he should leave.

Given the nature of your personality disorder, what techniques do you employ when parenting your child? Your parenting of child could be just as ineffectual as yours. It appears you’ve both withdrawn to the trenches and are blaming the other but if you can’t work together, then it’s an environment that your child doesn’t need to be in.

If he is NOT her parent why should he be buying presents, surely that is the role of the natural parents?

@Kenny69

If he is NOT her parent why should he be buying presents, surely that is the role of the natural parents?

Eh? You've never got a present for a friend's child, a niece or nephew? Really?

It's completely normal for a boyfriend of three years to buy a present for their girlfriend's child.

It's not normal, or acceptable, to discipline them especially by shouting at them.

The two choices aren't 'never buy them a present' and 'it's fine to shout at them'. There's a pretty massive middle ground he could have behaved within...

I really don't think it was just the mention of the BPD (though the devaluation/idealisation or romantic break up/come back to me cycle is the #1 example of BPD "splitting"). As someone familiar with drama-seeking, the language of the post with lots of mysterious "fighting" for the relationship on all sides – against each explicitly stated other's wishes – jumped out at me. With or without BPD the poster's mindset is just juvenile.

You are clearly not compatible and the dynamic he has with your daughter isn’t ok. That’s reason enough to break up. But, nobody deserves a partner who breaks up with them after every argument - it’s emotional blackmail designed to suppress the other person and I suggest you work on how to deal with conflict before you enter another relationship.

Ditch him
block him
concentrate on your daughter. She should be your absolute priority

Yoor poor child. And what a pathetic man he is, picking on an 8 year old. We're a blended family (of many years) and one 'rule' that stood firm when the children were younger was that we dealt with our own in terms of discipline. Never had to discuss it, it just happened. If he had bullied / shouted out my DC I would have walked away.

Regardless of the parenting issues, neither you nor DP seem well suited to carrying on an adult relationship. You would be best to let him flounce off and focus on your daughter, whose behaviour probably does need more effective management, but by you.

You know you have a personality disorder that is abusive to those around you. I think it’s unregulated emotional personality disorder which is very similar to borderline personality disorder which means you would be a nightmare to live with. Your boyfriend has had enough. You need to put your daughter first instead of revelling in the drama that is your sexually intimate relationship. Grow up. Stop using excuses for your behaviour.

She has unregulated emotional personality disorder which is basically borderline personality disorder. The symptoms are so close they are basically the same thing and mean she’s abusive to those around her. She’s actually not suited to be in a relationship with anyone.

She needs to be in some serious therapy and should not be in any relationship.

It’s your job as a parent to instil respect in your daughter. You need to adapt your parenting style to make sure she doesn’t end up a brat

Well, that’s not quite true. She clearly does need therapy and to rewire her thinking patterns but people with BPD/EUPD can and do recover and have successful relationships. They often act abusively because of deep seated trauma rather than malice. It’s an explanation but not an excuse of course - it is an individual’s personal responsibility to engage with help and manage their behaviour. But people with BPD are not ALL inherently abusive or social/romantic pariahs - it really depends how much insight and willingness to recover they have.

Walk away.

He's a piece of shit - he would ruin your relationship with your daughter forever and harm her in ways you barely seem to understand. CUT HIM OUT and move on with your life!

I think you’ve done the right thing by ending it, stick to it.

@Intrepidescape just FYI there's no such thing as unregulated emotional personality disorder. She has emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), which is what BPD is called in the UK. Medically speaking, you can use both labels interchangeably in the UK – they haven't standardised it amongst different NHS trusts. I have BPD/EUPD myself.

A bit more about BPD: Family history is a really strong predictor of BPD. If you have a parent or sibling with BPD, you grow up in a really emotionally unstable environment, and are 5x more likely to develop BPD yourself (some studies say 3x, some say 4x, and others say 5x).

So without me wanting to sound judgmental, a lot is at stake if you have children. Your choices can determine the whole outcome of their life. There will be many emotional and mental/logical tools available to you, whether as free DBT resources or as part of a structured programme under the NHS. It's not easy but you have to at least attempt to apply those resources and skills.

@Intrepidescape I also don't think it's right to say people with BPD shouldn't be in a relationship. Severe BPD yes, I can see the argument.

But where do you draw the line? Clinically, there are many studies talking about the overlaps between ADHD and BPD. Both are strongly co-morbid.

Males are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD based on BPD symptoms like impulsiveness, chronic boredom/emptiness, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. Females are overwhelmingly more likely to be diagnosed with personality disorders, but in general for both genders, ADHD is obviously the more palatable diagnosis.

I have what you'd call severe ADHD but very mild BPD. It's also inward-facing, sometimes called "quiet" BPD by practitioners.

Mental illnesses/diagnoses do overlap and occur on spectrums. It's not a good idea to ban everyone but the most neurotypical, mentally healthy person from getting into a relationship.

You do deserve better, and so does your dd. Well done for ending it - please take that as a sign that you are a strong woman and a good mother.

Now you can parent her as you see fit - and you already know that arguing with her won't work. You can both work on negotiating a healthy mother/daughter relationship. What a great role model you've been, you've shown her that controlling relationships can and must be ended. x