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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he won't fight for me/us

96 replies

lanabye · 17/01/2023 20:55

My boyfriend and I generally have a good relationship but my dd and he sometimes clash when it comes to bedtime (she's a terrible sleeper) and her typical 8 year old girl behaviour, e.g., answering back, pushing boundaries etc.

He's very firm with her and doesn't like her arguing, yet his way of dealing with her arguing is to argue back. This antagonises her and makes the situation a hell of a lot worse, when it could easily be nipped in the bud. I've learnt to pick my battles and not to sweat the smaller stuff but he can't do this. He has to have the final say.

I have EUPD which means that I find it really hard to regulate my emotions, and when I feel hurt, I really, really feel it. My boyfriend ruined my birthday by arguing with dd, and I was so upset that I told him that I couldn't carry on with the relationship. Ending the relationship is something I've tried to do previously, as it's my way of coping in that I'd rather just cut it off and try to save myself getting hurt any further.

Obviously he feels discarded and like he's not important, but I'm so fed up of not having my feelings validated, and him wanting to brush things under the carpet. When arguments happen, he says that I dwell on it and make them last for days, whereas he'd rather just pretend they never happened and move on immediately. I can't do this.

He's now saying that he won't fight for me any more, and that I've "won". I feel like shit, but I don't know what else I can do. His defences become so high after an argument and I can't get through to him - he becomes this cold, horrible stranger who I don't recognise. Hence why I end it.

What do I do? Do I fight even though I ended it?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/01/2023 21:30

lanabye · 17/01/2023 21:21

He says that he doesn't like the way that she has no respect for me, and that if he doesn't agree with something then he will speak up. But she's 8 for gods sake.

He might be right. But it's not his decision, she's not his child and discipline isn't for him to mete out.

So if he can't shut up and leave it to you then he needs to go.

tillytown · 17/01/2023 21:30

You got upset when he shouted at your young child on your birthday, imagine how she must have felt.
Just block him, apologise to your daughter, and move on.

category12 · 17/01/2023 21:30

"He says that he doesn't like the way that she has no respect for me, and that if he doesn't agree with something then he will speak up. But she's 8 for gods sake."

The bit in bold is the important thing and the thing to hold on to.

Don't let some bloke make her childhood a misery.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 21:31

What’s there to fight for? You’re fundamentally incompatible, you’re constantly pushing him away, he’s cold and obviously bored of the push pull drama.

And he’s bullying your young child ffs! He doesn’t even live with you - thank god - and you’re letting him undermine you and treat her badly.

Why?! She could be a massive brat that’s your problem as her mother and the consequences will be yours, not his.

You’ve dumped him again, he’s accepted it, so move on.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 17/01/2023 21:31

Please get rid of this bullying idiot. As a pp said, wanting to end the relationship is healthy. Your second guessing yourself isn't.

Original poster
lanabye · 17/01/2023 21:34

Thank you everyone. It's what I needed to hear/read. While I don't see it as bullying per se, I do think that it's inappropriate and unhealthy. Dd deserves better and so do I.

OP posts:
HappyNewYear2023 · 17/01/2023 21:49

Good riddance OP.

Pardon44 · 17/01/2023 21:59

Its your child. He has no right to discipline her. He has no right to over compensate for your perceived soft parenting. He isn't her parent or step parent. Obviously you need to ditch him and leave him ditched.

BunchHarman · 17/01/2023 22:05

Who the fuck did he think he was?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 17/01/2023 22:08

Your entire post is about you, your feelings, ruined your birthday, what about your bloody 8 year old?! He is a grown adult and you’re letting him make your daughter feel like shit. Do better!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 17/01/2023 22:18

My ex used to do this. Every time I disagreed or challenged him he would say “well maybe we should break up then.” V effective way of shutting me up. Until the day I went “yeah, ok.”

firsttimemother22 · 17/01/2023 22:20

Your daughter is for life OP, men come and go. Her childhood will affect whether or not she wants a relationship with you when she’s an adult. It will also affect the type of men she gets involved with. Please please get rid and do some inner personal development on building up your self esteem and research narcissism as it sounds like he could be one.

SausageInCider · 17/01/2023 22:23

If you can’t recognise bullying behaviour for what it is keep future blokes away from your dd. You aren’t as important as her in this scenario I’m afraid

whynotwhatknot · 17/01/2023 22:36

you dont even live together he has no right to discpline your child

YouTarzan · 17/01/2023 22:49

It’s strange that your language about making your relationship work is all about ‘fighting’. Him fighting for it, you fighting for it. Doesn’t sound healthy.

Want2beme · 17/01/2023 22:58

He argues with an 8 year old?! Good grief, get rid!

I do think it'd be a good idea to explain to your daughter why you've ditched him. She needs to understand that the way he treated her and you is not healthy and not acceptable.

AuntieStella · 17/01/2023 23:08

You dumped him.

You should be relieved that he's not going to "fight" to keep it going.

You can start planning a new future

ClaryFairchild · 17/01/2023 23:12

How ironic - "fighting" is exactly what you wanted him to stop doing IN the relationship ....

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2023 23:30

It’s not bullying. You just aren’t compatible with your parenting styles. He sounds like he wants to put boundaries in place and adopt a firmer way of dealing with her when she kicks off, whereas your approach is a lot more relaxed and you’re happy to just let her get on with it. Somewhere in the middle is where you need to be.

monsteramunch · 17/01/2023 23:31

Want2beme · 17/01/2023 22:58

He argues with an 8 year old?! Good grief, get rid!

I do think it'd be a good idea to explain to your daughter why you've ditched him. She needs to understand that the way he treated her and you is not healthy and not acceptable.

This.

She deserves an explanation to help her process the fact that you have witnessed her being bullied by someone, let alone an adult male.

He's very firm with her and doesn't like her arguing, yet his way of dealing with her arguing is to argue back.

Not only does he have no right to discipline a child that isn't his and he doesn't even live with, he's such a hypocrite that be thanks arguing with an eight year old is a good way to teach them that arguing is bad...

It's awful you allowed this to go on for so long. It might sound OTT to you but I wonder if some counselling might help you understand how unhealthy this dynamic was, to avoid you either getting back together with him or replicating this relationship dynamic in future.

Your EUPD diagnosis is relevant as you may mistake intensity for love. This isn't healthy for anyone but when you have a child, it's also a risk factor for them and their emotional welfare.

monsteramunch · 17/01/2023 23:33

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2023 23:30

It’s not bullying. You just aren’t compatible with your parenting styles. He sounds like he wants to put boundaries in place and adopt a firmer way of dealing with her when she kicks off, whereas your approach is a lot more relaxed and you’re happy to just let her get on with it. Somewhere in the middle is where you need to be.

He isn't her dad and doesn't even live with them so it's not appropriate for him to apply a 'parenting' style to OP's daughter.

Let alone argue with her and in OP's words antagonise her and have to have the final say. Against an eight year old.

Pathetic behaviour from a grown man.

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2023 23:39

Obviously he feels discarded and like he's not important, but I'm so fed up of not having my feelings validated, and him wanting to brush things under the carpet. When arguments happen, he says that I dwell on it and make them last for days, whereas he'd rather just pretend they never happened and move on immediately. I can't do this

But this jumps out at me. I’m married to someone who makes an argument last for days, ie sulks and silent treatment, which I view as emotionally abusive tbh, whereby I just want to draw a line under it and move on. Just sounds like op and her bf are totally incompatible with a lot of aspects of their lives.

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 23:48

@lanabye

Regardless of anything else, is "answering back, pushing boundaries etc" typical 8 year old behaviour? I thought it was generally early teens!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2023 23:50

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2023 23:30

It’s not bullying. You just aren’t compatible with your parenting styles. He sounds like he wants to put boundaries in place and adopt a firmer way of dealing with her when she kicks off, whereas your approach is a lot more relaxed and you’re happy to just let her get on with it. Somewhere in the middle is where you need to be.

He’s not a parent. He happens to be dating a woman who has a child. They’re dating, not living together. He gets no say.

But OP’s dumped him, repeatedly, and he’s accepted. So that’s something.

ricepuddin · 18/01/2023 00:08

I think all 3 of you deserve better, not just you and DD but him as well.

Constantly threatening to break up (as well as requiring him to "fight" to remain with you) is emotional abuse that people with BPD commonly practise. I used to do it too before DBT — please look into proper treatment or if you already have it, try to practise it in your life.

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