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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you take someone back who left you because you didn’t want more kids?

74 replies

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 16:46

Just wondering what people would do in this situation. I’m the one who left because he didn’t want more kids but I’m constantly going back and forth in my head about whether I have done the right thing. We have been split up 6 months but have remained in touch and still have to see each other now and again and when we do there’s still that spark there. So months after us splitting up I’m still wondering if I have done the right thing. If I decided that I could give up having kids though, I am also trying to see what people would do from his point of view. If you didn’t want more kids and your partner did so you split up, would you consider taking them back in this scenario? We both haven’t met anyone else. I haven’t even tried to as I’m not ready and still have feelings for my ex. Just trying to figure things out in my head so was hoping to get any advice / opinions on here that could help.

OP posts:

PousseyNotMoira · 16/01/2023 16:53

I would never take back someone that left, for whatever reason.

nc1013 · 16/01/2023 16:55

I'm not sure on the reason you split up. Is it because he didn't want kids at all, or didn't want more kids?

Think it makes a difference as if you have no kids and you want them, I think you may end up resenting him long term.

If my DP left me over me not wanting kids then wanted to get back together I wouldn't be against it as neither party has done anything wrong, as such. However, I'd still be concerned deep down that my DP wanted dc and would end up resenting me for us not having them so I'd be wary from that pov.

Also, as I have dc of my own and know how special/important/life changing it is and I would never want someone I loved to miss out on that in order to be with me (ie I have a Dd but my DP has none....i can't have more and if thought for a second he had any interest in having his own I'd probably end it. More from the pov that I love him so much and I would never want to be the one responsible for him not having his own. It wouldn't be fair on me to deny him that chance...even if he was willing to compromise I wouldn't be comfortable taking that away from him)

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2023 16:55

It depends if I believed that they had genuinely decided - through some counselling ideally - that our relationship was more important to them than children and they’d put the idea of children firmly to bed. I wouldn’t want to waste either their time or mine, if they were still hoping I might change my mind.

How much has really changed in six months? Few people swing from wanting children badly enough to end a good and loving relationship over it, to deciding that they could probably do without the children after all in such a short space of time. Have you had any counselling over it? It would always be in the back of my mind, tbh, that you were still unhappy over it or worse, would wait until more time had passed and perhaps more commitments had been made like a mortgage and / or marriage, and then begin going on about children again.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/01/2023 17:00

Probably no. I would be wary of being with someone who resented me and having children is one of those things it's hard to be neutral on. I wouldn't want to be responsible for a person that wants children missing out on them.

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:04

@nc1013 we split up because he has kids and didn’t want more and I have none. Neither of us wanted to split up but ultimately I was the one who left. He would have stayed as we were. @ComtesseDeSpair I think I have always wanted them in the right relationship but I also don’t have a burning desire to have one to the extent that I would do it solo. I think it took so much heartache and energy from me when we split up Im not even sure I have anything left to give someone new and I can’t seem to get rid of my feelings for him. But then when I consider us getting back together I do worry about resentment creeping in from my side and whether he would even consider it anyway. I wouldn’t go back or even mention getting back together unless i was sure I could accept no children ever which is why I’m on here debating it rather than in my head.

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2023 17:06

How old are you OP?

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:06

@roarfeckingroarr mid 30s

OP posts:

PetitPorpoise · 16/01/2023 17:08

I wouldn't, because it is a pretty fundamental issue, and I would be worried that it would be brought up every time we argued;

'I gave up having children for you' etc.

Six months isn't long to meet someone new, and it doesn't sound like you've been that serious about dating if you're still not over your ex.

misssunshine4040 · 16/01/2023 17:10

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:06

@roarfeckingroarr mid 30s

No. It's really sad but you have to decide if kids is important enough to you.
Your young but not for starting a family so I guess it's something you have to consider really carefully.
What if you split up in 6 years and it's too late for your fertility?
He's being responsible and putting his needs first which is good.
It's so hard, I don't envy you. Good luck with whatever you chose.

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:12

@PetitPorpoise I haven’t dated anyone since him, I have had an anonymous scroll through a dating site, and all that did was make me miss my ex even more which means I’m not over him. It would maybe help if we cut complete contact but we can’t (don’t want to go into details about why as possibly outing) so I just feel stuck in limbo and don’t know which way to turn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:15

@misssunshine4040 thank you. I guess the obvious answer is for me to try and meet someone on the same page as me. It’s just hard when we still have that spark there, I can’t imagine having that with anyone else anytime soon.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 16/01/2023 17:16

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 17:15

It's so difficult as it's hard to find a good relationship and someone you have that spark with

Soproudoflionesses · 16/01/2023 17:18

Don't go back op - find someone that wants kids

Ofcourseshecan · 16/01/2023 19:34

I don’t see how you could avoid resenting him as the years pass, OP. And does he really love you, if he wants to deprive you of something you so naturally want?

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 19:43

@Ofcourseshecan his answer to that is he let me go because he loves me so that he’s not depriving me. But that he can’t (won’t) give me a child. I think I know deep down we can’t be together, it’s just hard because the relationship didn’t come to a natural end.

OP posts:

LadybirdHere · 16/01/2023 19:48

Op, this happened to a friend of mine but she stayed. 10 years later the relationship is cracking and she has no kids. She works in the education field to be closer to children but I can't help thinking it was a mistake then again I'm not sure it was worth waiting for someone.

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 19:55

@LadybirdHere I think that was one of my big reasons I decided to leave, the thought of the relationship ending in 5 years and then my chance was gone. I may as well live out the rest of my fertile window with the door open. Rather than closing it now. I think I know deep down I’ve done the right thing, I just have these moments of ahhh I miss him and have I done the right thing.

OP posts:

sjmijm · 16/01/2023 20:05

Don't let someone stand in the way of you having children... men come and go, where as children don't when it's too late. I know it's hard, but find someone who is on the same page xx

LegoGoldenDragon · 16/01/2023 20:15

You may or may not have kids with someone else. You definitely won't have kids with him. Are you prepared to close the door to that possibility? You won't be able to guarantee that choosing him will mean you stay together forever and happy. I know both men and women who didn't want kids, then broke up and had them with the next partner.

category12 · 16/01/2023 21:01

You haven't really given yourself a chance to get over him by staying in contact so much.

I would make an effort to move your life on completely from him. What is the reason you "have" to see him regularly? I think that needs to stop, whether it means changing jobs or habits or whatever, just to give yourself the opportunity to see what else is out there for you, without him getting in the way.

anthurium · 16/01/2023 21:32

You're not giving yourself a proper chance by still being in contact with him. Of course you will take longer to get over him.

It's difficult to describe what you'll be feeling for your child as it's more of a visceral experience, and not comparable to anything else, but one thing I've learned is that without a child, you've got a lot of headspace for a relationship/man and you can't see past it right now. Don't loose an opportunity to experience something so unique, if you want a chance to have your own family.

Ponderingwindow · 16/01/2023 21:41

op, in the situation you describe, I would consider the break final if I were the parent. It isn’t good for the kids to be bringing a partner in and out of their lives. The two of you have no ties as you have no shared children. You can make a clean break and build a new life.

its Really quite normal to be done having kids once hours are 7-8. It’s also quite common to only want to have children with one partner, no matter how much you care about a new partner, just because of the complications new children will bring. Your ex is settled, let him find someone who is a better match and you can do the same.

Dery · 16/01/2023 21:53

“You haven't really given yourself a chance to get over him by staying in contact so much.

This.

It is a very painful situation, especially if you don’t have such a burning desire for children that you would go it alone if necessary. I think your position would be clearer if you did.

But as PP have said, your relationship with him may break down in time by which time your fertility window might have closed. And you were clear enough about it to end the relationship so I think you know that your desire for children is pretty strong. Stop seeing him. It’s stopping you from moving on which is what you need to do.

Original poster

Cutlerydraw · 16/01/2023 21:57

His kids are 18 & 20 so he feels he can’t go back to babies. Which is fair enough. I do think the contact with him is maybe clouding my judgement.

OP posts:

Nowthatlovehasperished · 16/01/2023 21:59

I would reframe this as you left because you wanted kids.

I don't believe you'll be happy if you change your mind just to be with him. Also, one day it will be too late.

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